Ibuprofen. (Vitamin I)
Jabba the Hutt?
Ibuprofen. (Vitamin I)
Jabba the Hutt?
Posted by meno at 4:51 PM
Posted by meno at 4:40 PM
The Mister and i were at a party recently and we were chatting amiably with some friendly strangers, as one must do at parties, when they discovered that we had been married for 26 years.
(An aside, i do not like going to parties with The Mister, and usually i manage to avoid him when i do, but we were eating and i was trapped. I don't like going to parties with him for two reasons; because he takes over the conversation and is touchy about what i say, so i tend to try and not say anything.)
So the other two people, who had been together for about 6 months, smiled at each other with googly eyes, asked the inevitable question: What is your advice for staying together?
(The irony of them asking us for relationship advice is that i was busy thinking dark thoughts about The Mister because i couldn't get a word in edgewise.)
The Mister answered them with something about listening and humor and trust, all that true but treacly stuff.
If i had answered, this would have been what i said:
FOR GOD'S SAKE GET TWO SINKS IN YOUR BATHROOM!
Posted by meno at 4:43 PM
I went hiking last weekend with my friend Eileen and The Mister. Em really likes Eileen, so i used Eileen's presence to entice her to go hiking with us. (I try and sneak exercise into Em's day through whatever devious methods i can think of.)
Eileen is about 20 years younger than i am, which makes her much cooler than i in Em's eyes. During the last part of the hike, The Mister and i could hear Em and Eileen chattering away behind us. It pleases me a lot that Em has adults other than boring old mom and dad who like her and listen to her and to whom she looks up.
It's important in a young person's life to have these people. People you know will give good advice and say things that you are okay with her hearing. And that your child might actually listen to because it isn't you who said it.
(I will say that Em listens to me pretty well, but it's always nice to have reinforcement.)
The Mister and i smiled that Indulgent Parent Smile at one another and kept out of their way.
Posted by meno at 4:26 PM
No there will not be any pictures you perverts.
I seem to be on a roll lately with the ass posts. In keeping with that, i will now report on my first experience with Colon Cam yesterday.
When you turn a certain age, doctors go nuts. Mammograms, heart tests, and last and most fun, Colon Cam!
I found the idea of this so mortifying that i would have avoided it using the Nancy Reagan tactic of "Just Say No", except that my doctor, who is younger than i am, has had this done several times since she has a family history of colon cancer. So i pretty much had too.
* [begin rant] It speaks volumes about our fucked up health care system that i would be considered a candidate for this invasion. I have no symptoms and no family history. It cost about $2,500 for the procedure. I am lucky enough to have health insurance that pays for this, but not everyone does. It pisses me off that only insured people have access to preventative medicine. If you are poor, you better not get sick. Vote accordingly y'all. [end rant]
* The preparation involves a special diet and drinking this horrid liquid that leaves you clean as a whistle, inside and out. Yes, it's about as much fun as it sounds. Butt hey, i lost 4 pounds in 2 days!
* It's a little weird meeting people and knowing that in a few minutes they will be sticking a flexible camera tube up your ass.
* When the doctor came in and introduced himself, i didn't want to shake his hand, as i didn't know where those hands had been.
* Afterwards, they give you pictures. Pictures! In Color! Of the inside of my large intestine! I don't have a real problem with this as i am the curious type, butt they could have at least assked first. Also i bet they charged the insurance company $200 or so for my copy of the pictures. (See rant above.) Maybe i'll carry them in my wallet to impress new friends. "Hi, i'm meno, want to see some picture of me?"
* The drugs are awesome. I floated home in a haze of relaxed happiness, ate a hamburger and took a nap.
I am the perfect ass.
Butt we already knew that.
I love my daughter. Now i have proof of that love that no one can deny.
Last night i committed this act of pure love:
Yes. Yes i did. I took Em to see the American Idols Live! show. (I apologize for the crappy picture, but it was DARK in there.)
I expected there to be much merchandising and tackiness and sales pitches, but i never expect it to be as much as it is. There was even an intermission so they could make us listen to pitches for more sponsors.
You can see by the ticket that the event was sponsored by Pop Tarts. So naturally there was a person dressed as a Pop Tart milling around. I did not take a picture of the giant Pop Tart because too many other people were and i didn't want to give the Pop Tart the satisfaction. That'll teach it!
I spent some time amusing myself with my camera and was able to add to my collection of ass cracks in public photography collection.
Yes, of course you can see:
In all honesty, i must admit that i enjoyed the show. These kids can really sing.
But the best part was listening and watching Em have so much fun. She sang along, she screamed, she clasped her hands to her bosom in happiness. She held up her cell phone so that her friends could "hear" their favorite songs. She chattered 50 miles an hour the whole way home. It was great
I came home the other day to find a mostly submerged paddle boat nudging our beach.
"Oh, how sad," i thought, "someone lost their paddle boat. I better go rescue it and maybe they'll come by, see it and take it home."
I started bailing out the wells, and trying to tug it up onto the beach. It weighed a ton. I would bail a little, tug a little and then bail a little more. One of my neighbors saw me struggling and came over to help. (Neighbor man is kind of cute, so that was fun!) Together we managed to drag it up on the beach.
There was a big gash along one side. "It must have gotten damaged in the water," said i to neighbor man.
Then i noticed all the regularly sized square holes all along the side and sprinkled across the top.
Apparently the real story is that someone decided they were tired of their paddle boat, took a railroad spike and drove it repeatedly through the boat and pushed it out into the water. As if something made of plastic and Styrofoam would actually sink.
Now we have to chain saw the bitch apart, as i cannot lift the whole thing, rent a truck and take it to the dump. I briefly contemplated pushing it back out and letting someone else deal with it. But that's not how i roll, dammit.
Posted by meno at 4:19 PM
I volunteer at an agency that does counseling for kids. Kids with drug problems and/or family problems. Kids with no money. The term for these kids is "at-risk." I don't work with the kids, as i am not qualified, but i do other stuff that helps the place out, because i believe that all kids deserve to be taken care of as best we can.
The agency just started a summer program that takes some of the kids to various places in the community for free. Places like the zoo and the aquarium and hiking.
Last week i noticed that they didn't have enough adults to supervise the next week's activity, when they were going to go hiking, and i like hiking, so i volunteered to go.
However, last Thursday dawned with rain, lightening and thunder, the likes of which are rarely seen around here, so hiking was out. But i had to go anyway, because without me they didn't have enough adults.
We took the kids to a museum. Here are a few of the comments:
"This is stupid."
"I've already been here."
"When are we leaving?"
"Do we have to stay here?"
Honestly, the kids had a pretty good time, but these are kids with behavior and attitude problems, so they complain. And complain. Along with all the other normal but obnoxious behaviors of a group of pre-teen mostly boys. (Spitting, cursing, endless fart references, punching each other, throwing things.)
But i survived, and was grateful to get back to the agency. One of the counselors asked me how it went.
"You know," i replied, "I don't really like kids."
"Who does?" he answered.
Cheered me right up.
Posted by meno at 8:23 PM
I see how it begins.
You don't want to drive downtown anymore, because the traffic scares you. So you stop. You still go downtown, but you take the bus. But only during the day, because at night there are scary people on the bus. And not during rush hour as it's crowded and you might have to stand.
Driving at night is difficult because you don't see well in the dark, so you stop going places at night, unless it's somewhere close with which you are familiar.
Remembering the directions to new places is hard, and so is seeing the street signs. Why don't they make them bigger? Your kids tell you to use Google Maps, but you can't figure out how. They show you, but it just never works when you try it.
Crowds annoy you. So you start planning things so as to avoid them. Go to the county fair? No way! It's hot and noisy and crowded. Plus the food is overpriced.
Hey, you can get the early bird special at Anthonys if you get there before 6:00 pm. Cool. Plus it's not dark then, or crowded. Triple score.
The other cars on the freeway are driving past you like you are standing still. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Now you don't drive on the freeway at all. It's not safe.
After a while you just stop going anywhere at night, it's just not worth getting in the car.
Next you make a mental list of the 5 places you are still comfortable going.
1) Grocery Store (plan ahead to avoid going on the weekend or after work. If you go then, all the little carts that you like are being used.)
2) Post Office (but not at noon, or after three. There's always a line then.)
3) The Mall (but only on a weekday during the middle of the day, otherwise the crowds are hideous.)
4) Mexican Restaurant just up the street (before 6pm, after that there might be a wait.)
5) Library. (It's closed on Tuesdays though, and you would never go there on the weekend.)
I watched The Mister's parents go through this process and now i am watching my parents go through it. They are still pretty adventurous, but there are two of them. I wonder how much further their world will shrink when there is only one of them. I want them to fight against this trend, but i don't know if they even see it. Maybe it's inevitable.
I want to fight against this shrinking of my world. I already hate crowds and i take the bus downtown. But that's to avoid paying for parking and to save gas. Really.
Posted by meno at 12:52 PM