tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post5889950129225405631..comments2023-12-16T22:38:40.273-08:00Comments on .: Life, and deathmenohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-61710558800547780082007-10-01T10:04:00.000-07:002007-10-01T10:04:00.000-07:00I hope your father is all better.Funny, I just won...I hope your father is all better.<BR/><BR/>Funny, I just wondered about how it would affect me if my parents died. They visited us for a week and don't hink I'd be devastated either. But then you never know.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14220769941216066968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-57884324646126245522007-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:002007-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:00I hope your Dad is okay. And I hope you are okay w...I hope your Dad is okay. And I hope you are okay with him. My Dad is also "vague", especially emotionally. I know he lived through a fair amount of trauma, verging on abuse, as a kid and his way of dealing with it is to pretend it didn't happen and everything is fine. He has always been very distant, and therefore so have I. And sadly, I do think it is probably too late for either of us to change that now. So I think I know how you feel.peevishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14135920853307511091noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-19176822698471694452007-09-24T22:04:00.000-07:002007-09-24T22:04:00.000-07:00humphI know this feeling.It's worth getting to kn...humph<BR/><BR/>I know this feeling.<BR/><BR/>It's worth getting to know him I think.<BR/><BR/>But that is just my opinion...crazymummahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04663148723513574331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-70229626173319450232007-09-23T23:30:00.000-07:002007-09-23T23:30:00.000-07:00It couldn't hurt to try. Maybe at least you could ...It couldn't hurt to try. Maybe at least you could fill in some of the blanks and shed light on incidents from your childhood that puzzle you. <BR/><BR/>It would be good to know who your father and Em's grandfather is. It's possible that he has always wanted to know you better, but your mother and her needs made it too difficult.<BR/><BR/>Good luck. I hope he feels better soon. Macy's is treacherous.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-50631983121029014302007-09-23T21:23:00.000-07:002007-09-23T21:23:00.000-07:00I adored my Daddy.. but my Sis and him had many wo...I adored my Daddy.. but my Sis and him had many woes... But~ It's never too late, unless he is gone. I'm thankful my Sis and Dad were able to connect before we lost him. If you want to know him... all you can do is try!Cheesyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02099545260198846488noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-47042995061633742572007-09-23T20:53:00.000-07:002007-09-23T20:53:00.000-07:00I think that inviting him to lunch is a great idea...I think that inviting him to lunch is a great idea...you certainly do not want to be haunted by "what ifs", and "coulda dones".Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12994258976391146989noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-74272101552790797422007-09-23T06:57:00.000-07:002007-09-23T06:57:00.000-07:00Oh yes, go to lunch. Every day gets in the way of...Oh yes, go to lunch. <BR/><BR/>Every day gets in the way of so much of what is put off for all the tomorrows to come.<BR/><BR/>I keep looking for some break through in so much of what I long for, or feel is missing and I think I'm hoping to come to terms with the fact that there is no break through, just moments that are what they are before its too late. More moments with people in our lives, this is what we need.luhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14486545199810361580noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-58009768155013741702007-09-22T16:02:00.000-07:002007-09-22T16:02:00.000-07:00flutter, ha ha! I'm betting on a little of both.l...flutter, ha ha! I'm betting on a little of both.<BR/><BR/>luckyzmom, just so. I remember telling the Mister that her first relaionship with a man was with him.<BR/><BR/>deb, he has some buddies, but i think you might be right about being lonely.<BR/><BR/>biscotto, we'll see. I am excellent at anticipatory grief. In this case i don't feel any. And i am willing to live with the risk of being wrong.<BR/><BR/>ac, like you, my mother is such a presence that it's difficult to breathe for her taking up all the oxygen in the room. That is why i am glad he's still her to take most of her attention.<BR/><BR/>ortizzle, i will. I'll just tell my mother that i want to take him out alone. She'll have to deal. Although i know she'll be hurt because i've never invited her out.<BR/><BR/>moi, and some knowledge to gain. So i will. :)menohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-7682623863294108112007-09-22T14:20:00.000-07:002007-09-22T14:20:00.000-07:00I always think it's neat to get together with pare...I always think it's neat to get together with parents one on one. It's just a different dynamic and could be quite revealing in a positive way. Give him the opportunity. You've nothing to lose.Mother of Inventionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03797365678860039018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-88653841779140239352007-09-22T08:55:00.000-07:002007-09-22T08:55:00.000-07:00Do go to lunch with him. You never know what you m...Do go to lunch with him. You never know what you might find out. And even if it's a replay of the Velveteen Rabbit, at least you will know. (I will leave it up to your imagination how you will manage this without your mother tagging along.)Ortizzlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03709991994425909880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-65634603020397665122007-09-22T07:18:00.000-07:002007-09-22T07:18:00.000-07:00I didn't know my dad either. There are things in ...I didn't <I>know</I> my dad either. There are things in my memory, real or made up - doesn't matter - that I miss. He was really intelligent and slightly eccentric and if head been the one left, I think we might have had a good time getting to know each other.<BR/><BR/>What I do miss for sure is, over these last 18 years, <I>his</I> responsibility for my mother's happiness and welfare. An only child, raised with manipulation through guilt - no matter that I don't respond to that anymore - the fact remains that there is no one else and some days seem awfully burdenous.AChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02949724388906286696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-72164035859676450792007-09-21T19:51:00.000-07:002007-09-21T19:51:00.000-07:00Don't fool yourself. You will be devastated when ...Don't fool yourself. You will be devastated when he dies. No matter how weak the bond, it still ties.<BR/><BR/>Knowing that, do what you have to do to make sure that you don't have any huge regrets where he is concerned. Either make your peace with the distance or make an effort.<BR/><BR/>I, personally, am hoping that my father doesn't kick off before I decide to start talking to him again. I'm willing to live with the risk of this and I'm willing to live with the certainty that I will regret this decision. <BR/><BR/>See, that is how it works.<BR/><BR/>The death of a parent is a big deal. Denial is also an option.Biscottohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18147863937186806344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-818228995632647092007-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:002007-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00Sorry to hear this. He sounds lonely or maybe he ...Sorry to hear this. He sounds lonely or maybe he decided retreat was the best option.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-12135409612773515842007-09-21T14:07:00.000-07:002007-09-21T14:07:00.000-07:00A fathers admiration and attention is so important...A fathers admiration and attention is so important for daughters. If more of us had it, fewer of us would have to work so hard at being emotionally healthy.luckyzmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04176703683321469118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-40509151691131008802007-09-21T11:43:00.000-07:002007-09-21T11:43:00.000-07:00I don't think it's too late. Maybe the reaction wa...I don't think it's too late. Maybe the reaction was to your mother, and not at all to Macy's.flutterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11828689769747130419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-81357399917315606102007-09-21T11:24:00.000-07:002007-09-21T11:24:00.000-07:00u-u, it will be interesting to find out if the man...u-u, it will be interesting to find out if the man who was once my Daddy is still in there.<BR/><BR/>mamap, thank you hon!<BR/><BR/>cagey, i live in terror of the day i am found out by my family. I'll have to take the whole site down. The Mister has given up on his mother, and i know it causes him pain, when he allows himself to think about it. Thank you. :)<BR/><BR/>bob, nice memories. I don't think you should hate to say it, i think you should be glad to be able to say that you have a great relationship with your parents.<BR/><BR/>Em, i think he will be okay, at least for a little while. We'll see what happens.<BR/><BR/>wng, i know it isn't nice to admit to not really caring, but honesty compels me.<BR/><BR/>sari, how sweet. you are lucky. No, mom will have to stay away. And thanks for the good wishes.<BR/><BR/>mrs.chili, my parents are not as awful as yours, but i completely understand your wanting to dance upon their graves. They will probably die as they have lived, without love.<BR/><BR/>qt, she may not see it that way, so i will just have to explain it to her using words of one syllable. I was a daddy's girl when i was little too. In fact, the only reason my mom had me (i was third) was because my dad wanted to try for a girl.<BR/><BR/>maggie, you are fearless. My parents profess to love each other too. But it does not manifest in a way that i would like to live in.<BR/><BR/>melanie, what a clever idea. Maybe i'll do that. It should work out well as my dad does like to talk. One time the Mister just started asking him questions and my mother actually let him talk. It was fun to hear about his earlier days.menohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-24221453758034066032007-09-21T10:56:00.000-07:002007-09-21T10:56:00.000-07:00Interesting analogy with the V. Rabbit. I have a s...Interesting analogy with the V. Rabbit. I have a similar issue with my father, not nearly as distant, but I had no idea who he really was. <BR/><BR/>My therapist suggested (seeing as I don't have good intimate relationships with men) that I do a video interview with my father. I came up with a list of things I wanted to know about my father. It went really well. And I found out a lot of things I never knew about him. I did it under the guise of "this is for your grandson".<BR/><BR/>I haven't gone back over the actual tape to work on it, and write down some further questions. but that is my plan.<BR/><BR/>anyway, end of saga. I hope that this episode will pass with good news and a healthier dad. Consider the interview. Might be fun to find out all you never knew. Be prepared to dig though. He wasn't very forthcoming. good luck!Mermaid Melaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02726231529791645694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-51100971118494651172007-09-21T10:26:00.000-07:002007-09-21T10:26:00.000-07:00Funny, I asked him that once - though tried to be ...Funny, I asked him that once - though tried to be not to blurty about it. Something along the lines of "you know there was a time when I thought the two of you would end up apart" he answered that in spite of everything he still loves her and on top of that he figures at this stage of the game, she won't survive without him. That last part makes me sad and yet he's right.<BR/>I don't consider myself all that brave in those conversations as I find since seeing the therapist, topics seem to just vomit out of my mouth before my brain really checks what I'm saying. Surprisingly, it does come out astute enough to describe my feelings and Dad has been mostly receptive to hearing it. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but we've sort of reached a place where we're ok with that.<BR/>I think Patches is exactly right too. Directness is the best way to go. Otherwise you get stuck in games and that is so not worth it.Lynneahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08255266354171825474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-308780974613054232007-09-21T10:18:00.000-07:002007-09-21T10:18:00.000-07:00At this stage in the game, I agree that your mom s...At this stage in the game, I agree that your mom should understand and give you space to have one on one time with your dad.<BR/><BR/>I am glad he is ok. Dad's can be tough for a girl, I think. When I was growing up (prior to the teen years) I had a great relationship with him, now he is just so eccentric and strange. And as you point out, is it the stress of being the only man in a group of women his whole life? Because I can see how that would make a person a bit cra-zay.<BR/><BR/>It seems like you have done a lot of thinking about all of this already, so I guess the best outcome is that you would be pleasantly surprised.QThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15544956727530046973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-3279763747577141142007-09-21T09:57:00.000-07:002007-09-21T09:57:00.000-07:00This resonated for me. I will not mourn my parent...This resonated for me. I will not mourn my parents' deaths - I will celebrate their passing and hope, for their sakes, that someone takes them aside and shows them where they may have made better choices. I hope that reincarnation actually exists and that they get another shot at getting this life stuff right the next time.Mrs. Chilihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09814787474739856911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-48111537781357752002007-09-21T09:37:00.000-07:002007-09-21T09:37:00.000-07:00PS Sorry, I came back to say I hope your dad's fee...PS Sorry, I came back to say I hope your dad's feeling better soon.sarihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16144333694009700155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-65366043238657173032007-09-21T08:31:00.000-07:002007-09-21T08:31:00.000-07:00I would be devastated if my dad died. My dad and ...I would be devastated if my dad died. My dad and I live in different states and I miss being able to just have lunch with him or go to a movie or just hang out, listent to music and do jigsaw puzzles.<BR/><BR/>But you know what - it's never too late to try with your dad. And don't let your mom come. It's Father-Daughter day.sarihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16144333694009700155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-41597876746053189172007-09-21T08:19:00.000-07:002007-09-21T08:19:00.000-07:00I say yes to the dinner, or lunch, or whatever you...I say yes to the dinner, or lunch, or whatever you can try. I'm also glad that you are self aware enough to know that his death might not devastate you and why. These are tricky relationships(or non relationships)Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00900726730265994177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-86864073811899743382007-09-21T08:10:00.000-07:002007-09-21T08:10:00.000-07:00Hope your dad is okay. It sometimes takes a moment...Hope your dad is okay. It sometimes takes a moment like this for us to even give it one more try. Maybe it will work out.Emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14063254538593495040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-57153646514449187482007-09-21T08:06:00.000-07:002007-09-21T08:06:00.000-07:00I can still remember when I was 17 and the 3-hour ...I can still remember when I was 17 and the 3-hour drives with my dad when he would either come get me or take me back to college. He would tell me about things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go, stuff about mom that would get his goat - he was treating me as an equal. That was the first time I can remember thinking that I really was grown/growing up into an adult. He and I stopped arguing and started discussing.<BR/><BR/>I hate to say it amongst all of the comments here, but I have a great relationship with my dad. mom too.<BR/><BR/>I hope your dad is okay and that you can find the person inside of the amiable stranger.Bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13690660290319444722noreply@blogger.com