tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post6576994695347989771..comments2023-12-16T22:38:40.273-08:00Comments on .: Polishing a future memorymenohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-31318281638573594652007-06-12T18:53:00.000-07:002007-06-12T18:53:00.000-07:00I think some times are better left to living in th...I think some times are better left to living in the moment.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-1781389427636878902007-06-12T18:17:00.000-07:002007-06-12T18:17:00.000-07:00tara, you must be wrong. I KNOW all the drama wil...tara, you must be wrong. I KNOW all the drama will be over by age 19.......Why are you laughing. STOP LAUGHING!<BR/><BR/>moi, i know i will adapt. But i wonder exactly how. I guess i will figure that out.<BR/><BR/>biscotto, i really appreciate you letting me know. I'll add the URL to my reader so i'll know when you do post. I think instead of a project, i'll plan the Trip. Maybe Greece, maybe Peru.....menohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-29741384238367110002007-06-12T17:26:00.000-07:002007-06-12T17:26:00.000-07:00My neighbor is taking her daughter to college at t...My neighbor is taking her daughter to college at the end of the summer. She has friends who told her what to do. They said that she has to start some gigantic house project as soon as her daughter is gone. Then she can channel her anxiety towards something productive. I think that is how it is supposed to work. So to weather the grief now, you've got to start planning The Project.<BR/><BR/>I had to shut down the Diary. Will post later this week on my new blog, The Panhedonist Explains. Thought you'd want to know. I told Luckyzmom, too, I have gotten attached to you both. Don't know what to do about the folks who read but never wrote. <BR/><BR/>Oh, one last thing. Other people tell me that it isn't all grief when the go. Some good bit of relief, too.Biscottohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18147863937186806344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-54400063639427908322007-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:002007-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:00I anticipate grief and loss way before it actually...I anticipate grief and loss way before it actually happens and for me, it may be a good thing to prepare me. It makes sense that you don't have the right cloth..this is your first time with this type of situation. If Em were the fourth kid, you'd just be grabbing the old familiar college cloth!<BR/>You'll adapt after the weirdness subsides.Mother of Inventionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03797365678860039018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-67152241883376837742007-06-12T10:57:00.000-07:002007-06-12T10:57:00.000-07:00great photo of mamma and daughter hands.the antici...great photo of mamma and daughter hands.<BR/><BR/>the anticipatory grief - so human, meno! You describe it exquistely well. It will help shorten the post-graduation grief, trust me. I did the same thing, and now I feel such freedom. She's home temporarily and I can't WAIT for her to do her 19 yr old drama in her own home again.....Taradharmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17665801586196931603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-60284418954165591462007-06-11T19:46:00.000-07:002007-06-11T19:46:00.000-07:00jeremiah, so you have the polishing gene too. At ...jeremiah, so you have the polishing gene too. At least you get to polish happy memories too, even if they didn't happen.<BR/><BR/>ac, it sure sounds nicer doesn't it? My marketing department came up with that term for me. :)<BR/><BR/>moose buyer, awwww. How sweet. Of my two nephews who are no longer in high school, one managed to graduate by the skin of his teeth, and the other didn't make it, yet.<BR/><BR/>sally, thank you, that's nice of you to say.<BR/><BR/>liv, i know that feeling. How could this have smacked me when i was so worried about that other thing? It's not fair!<BR/><BR/>hearts, thank you for that. No one wants to say it, just talk about how happy we will be. And in some regards i will be happy, but i will miss her something awful too.menohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-26205409688710803122007-06-11T18:36:00.000-07:002007-06-11T18:36:00.000-07:00It hurts when your child moves away. There. I've ...It hurts when your child moves away. <BR/><BR/>There. I've said it. I can't take it back.<BR/><BR/>To some degree, it will always hurt, even though baby Em was replaced by high school Em and college Em. They are all wonderful, but in a tiny corner of your heart, you will always be waiting for the day she decides to stop this adult Em nonsense and come home to Mommy.<BR/><BR/>At least, that is how it's been for me. <BR/><BR/>All you can really do is try to enjoy the time you have with her and to set aside, as much as possible, your anticipatory grief because it dilutes your now, even though it also heightens your awareness that now is really all we ever have. And our memories.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-13765980002636583382007-06-11T18:32:00.000-07:002007-06-11T18:32:00.000-07:00as a fellow "worst-case-scenario-Mary," I feel you...as a fellow "worst-case-scenario-Mary," I feel you. I do find that there are only so many things that can get me pre-grieving or worrying in advance. This is a blessing and a curse---I might be worried about something while getting smacked with another thing I didn't even see coming!Livhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09154719979114564561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-13986013702057523062007-06-11T17:21:00.000-07:002007-06-11T17:21:00.000-07:00That was a beautiful post meno.That was a beautiful post meno.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-52374661886660859792007-06-11T16:51:00.000-07:002007-06-11T16:51:00.000-07:00I sat and cried through my grandson's Jr High grad...I sat and cried through my grandson's Jr High graduation last Thursday night, I cannot imagine his graduation from High School.<BR/><BR/>Of course if he doesn't apply himself better my daughter isn't sure he will even get through high school.the moose buyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08239785732953146415noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-61541784352191415762007-06-11T14:31:00.000-07:002007-06-11T14:31:00.000-07:00Polishing Grief is the best and most poetic descri...Polishing Grief is the best and most poetic description of horribilizing ever. For a moment, I was almost glad to have the ability myself!AChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02949724388906286696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-11385743632666069722007-06-11T14:20:00.000-07:002007-06-11T14:20:00.000-07:00ortizzle, it is a tactic isn't it? I'll just have...ortizzle, it is a tactic isn't it? I'll just have to take it as it comes. Damn!<BR/><BR/>lee, oh no! Do i have to quit drinking too?<BR/><BR/>maggie, that is my hope too, that the mile marker will signal progress, not distance. :)<BR/><BR/>dick, you spend a lot of time at Starbucks i think! :) I hope that Em will always look forward to coming home.<BR/><BR/>sari, you will, you will. Eating is just one of those things that kids like to control. Annoying and upsetting as it is.menohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-55656861196064107632007-06-11T14:19:00.000-07:002007-06-11T14:19:00.000-07:00I've come to live with my own ability to polish my...I've come to live with my own ability to polish my grief. It's just a "feature" of my personality. For added internal strife, I also like to polish up my positive anticipations to the point that what they reflect is just way too ideal for the actual event to ever play out as well as I imagine it will. And, it never does. You should've seen the image I polished up for my son's championship baseball game. I had him hitting the game-winning homer in slow motion and the whole team rushing out to hug him, and parents hugging each other---geesh! <BR/><BR/>They did win, but, it didn't quite happen that way...and if it did, I'd probably yawn since I'd seen it a hundred times in my head already!Elliothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09276602228894928374noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-60472741909604566922007-06-11T13:33:00.000-07:002007-06-11T13:33:00.000-07:00I just had another in an ongoing series of fights ...I just had another in an ongoing series of fights with my five year old over eating and I'm just wondering if I can do the parenting right in the first place to get him to the point HE needs to be.<BR/><BR/>So in other words, still crying now that I've read this.sarihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16144333694009700155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-91251119846118346482007-06-11T13:21:00.000-07:002007-06-11T13:21:00.000-07:00It really is a bitter sweat event as our kids grow...It really is a bitter sweat event as our kids grow up. You hate to give them up and yet you really do want them to be off having their own lives. And hopefully grandkids. One of the Starbucks coffee cup sayings talks about a sign that you did good in parenting is when your kids have left home but still do want to come visit and spend some time with you. I think there is a lot of truth to that.Dickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12381970360203140143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-4513487011333247772007-06-11T12:31:00.000-07:002007-06-11T12:31:00.000-07:00I found myself overwhelmed with sentamentality and...I found myself overwhelmed with sentamentality and a sadness last night when I looked at your photo of your hands together. I think I may have been feeling this same pre-emptive grief attack about my children and me. Your hands are so lovely together. I look at mine and wonder if my and my children's will remain so close - figuratively of course. Everywhere we look there are mile markers coming and going. But, maybe after the initial grief, the mile marker will signal something new and fun. I hope so.Lynneahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08255266354171825474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-78755899089011893102007-06-11T10:52:00.000-07:002007-06-11T10:52:00.000-07:00One day at a time...one day at a time.One day at a time...one day at a time.Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14915252268400469774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-38101566410742867592007-06-11T10:38:00.000-07:002007-06-11T10:38:00.000-07:00I do that, too. Anticipate possible bad stuff so I...I do that, too. Anticipate possible bad stuff so I am ready for it, so maybe it won't hurt so bad when it happens. But some things, even though you know they will happen, are just too tough to look at. And why cloud the present with sadness that is to come? Plenty of time for that later. I totally understand your tactic, and also why it doesn't always work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-9980323924784398222007-06-11T08:13:00.000-07:002007-06-11T08:13:00.000-07:00lynn, i think the anticipation is always worse tha...lynn, i think the anticipation is always worse than the grief, and by then we still have the grief left to feel. Silly us!<BR/><BR/>flutter, i can only begin, and i am not sure what feeling i have from it. This bothers me as i don't like surprises.<BR/><BR/>nancy, so far it's a puzzlement. Maybe i'll just feel proud and happy. Although that doesn't sound like me, it's possible. :)<BR/><BR/>mrs.chili, yes, the relationship with a child is really one long series of separation. In fact, separation is the ultimate goal. And hopefully coming back together to continue the relationship on an adult level. I'm just funny about it because i have the knowledge that with my mother and i, the coming back together never happened. I really don't believe that this will happen with Em and i, as i have not been the same mother that i had, but i still have that image....<BR/><BR/>qt, i know, we are such a pain in the ass. How about we work on developing the skill for anticipatory joy?<BR/><BR/>sanjay, of course it would be better. It's not a trait that i am proud of. And thank you!<BR/><BR/>ms.chica, 1) you are funny. 2) you are smart 3) Are you sure you've never had kids?<BR/><BR/>bob, that sounds like a good way to ease into it. I just don't know if Em will go off to college and never come back. Actually, that's not true, i know she will come back, that's just the fear talking.<BR/><BR/>mamap, thank you. Maybe we should start looking on ebay for the right cloth. :)<BR/><BR/>chani, we must think alot of our cognitive skills then. I wonder if this has ever worked. I doubt it.<BR/><BR/>jen, i know that it's a waste of energy, and i'm trying to stop. And thank you for the support, i appreciate it a lot.menohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18065283682414369608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-85158001359667527702007-06-11T07:38:00.000-07:002007-06-11T07:38:00.000-07:00that's the hard part about planning for grief...so...that's the hard part about planning for grief...so much goes into the planning and then it's generally not what we expected anyways.<BR/><BR/>we will be here to support you all the way.Girlplustwohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07056576921114387218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-23642785039391665472007-06-11T07:09:00.000-07:002007-06-11T07:09:00.000-07:00I'm thinking most of us do that very same thing ~ ...I'm thinking most of us do that very same thing ~ whether we acknowledge it or not.. as though somehow the act of it will make it go away. <BR/><BR/><BR/>Peace, <BR/><BR/><BR/>~Chanithailandchanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10171731740204067889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-65868705228189433142007-06-11T07:05:00.000-07:002007-06-11T07:05:00.000-07:00"I see potential pain a mile, no, two miles away a..."I see potential pain a mile, no, two miles away and take it into myself and remember it before it happens, then polish it until it glows all shiny and reflects back my image to me." One of your most beautifully written posts. Thanks for making me cry my eyes out. And I still have 14 years until graduation! (Do they make 15 mile polish cloths? I'm gonna need some extra)Andrea Frazerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14293267612840259503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-34518051195836806832007-06-11T06:51:00.000-07:002007-06-11T06:51:00.000-07:00She may leave but you'll always be her mom, that ...She may leave but you'll always be her mom, that won't change.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-27114054775231021032007-06-11T06:22:00.000-07:002007-06-11T06:22:00.000-07:00Zack is still living at home, but with working swi...Zack is still living at home, but with working swings we might or might not see him during the week - and weekends is a crap shoot too as he tends to keep his weekday schedule then too. Kris (during the semester) comes home at least every other weekend, so the pain of separation is being teased out, a little at a time. <BR/><BR/>I am finding that the quiet during the week when both are gone is nice and that Laura and I are adjusting to having the house to our selves.<BR/><BR/>I guess we have the best of both worlds, life with and without the kids. I think we will be ready when they are really gone.Bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13690660290319444722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30306964.post-59867303519876332512007-06-11T05:58:00.000-07:002007-06-11T05:58:00.000-07:00You're not alone in your anticipatory grief. I won...You're not alone in your anticipatory grief. I wonder if that's the cerebral version of premature ejaculation? <BR/><BR/>The parent child relationship is characterized by bittersweet moments. Regardless of age, you will always be Em's mother. If your relationships is strong, it will continue to grow stronger as she enters adulthood. It's understandable to long for the lost days of innocence. While you might not actively seek a sense of accomplishment, nothing gives us the feeling of purpose like protecting and nurturing.ms chicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11281861496244331321noreply@blogger.com