meno's blog

Pity, party of one

2012-01-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

*
Grief is a lonely emotion.

Grief is burning out my insides and making room for something new to grow.

I feel like i have something to tell you, but i keep typing words and then deleting them as too pathetic.

I am lonesome. I've never lived alone before. I find i don't much like it.

This process i am going through feels endless. I am told that it will get better, but i don't know when. And besides, how can anyone know if it will get better?

To be honest, i am better, some of the time. Em was home for a month and left early yesterday morning and i am missing her. So that's why i am blue. But hey, the two of us are going to Hawaii in less than two months. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Bonding and waiting

2011-12-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

.

My baby girl turned 21 a month ago. It's been a time for bonding moments. I bought her her first legal drink (it was a martini!), and today we had our first mother-daughter trip to the liquor store.

It was so beautiful.

*sniffle*

In other news:

I am waiting. Waiting to feel a reduction in anxiety, waiting to feel free. I realize it's a long process, but dammit all, i wish it would hurry. So wanting to avoid writing the same old thing, i don't write at all.

I should be divorced by the end of January. I just never saw myself as someone who would be divorced. I know people who have has two and three (and sometimes more) spouses and i always felt (i hate to admit this, but i will) slightly superior. And then fate came along to kick me right in my smug ass.

Peace to you all.

phone phool

2011-11-28T19:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find yourself sounding like a dithering idiot on the phone? I'm not an idiot, but man, today i sounded like one on the phone while trying to say "No, you can't come and be a volunteer here because we've got nothing for you to do." in a really nice, thank-you-for calling sort of way.

It's hard to say "No" in a positive way. I guess i must think that the more words i use to say it, the nicer it will sound, thus the idiotic babbling.

Did you know that there's a support group for families of people who talk too much? It's called On-and-on Anon.

Still Alive

2011-11-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all.

I'm still alive. I have one foot in hell and the other in purgatory, which counts as progress.

Still fighting anxiety and depression and loneliness and hurt feelings. I think i'm winning though some days it's hard to tell.

Not divorced yet, but proceeding along that line. So sad. So, so sad.

Keeping very busy, that's my method for dealing with the feelings. My therapist says i need to do more grieving and crying. Perhaps. Perhaps.

What do i really have to tell you? There's a long period of slowly moving onwards, slowly getting on with accepting the new normal. My problem is that i just don't see how my loneliness will ever end. Will anyone ever love me again? Will i ever have another life partner? I hope i do because i don't like being alone. The feeling that no one has my back makes me feel intensely vulnerable. But what are the chances that a 54 year old woman will find true love? Not high.

I really want to be able to look back over this time in my life and have it come out okay in the end. I secretly want this story to have an uplifting ending.

A connection

2011-09-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

*
In my family, as kids, my brothers and i were encouraged to make fun of each other. Ganging up on whomever was the current odd man out, whomever had done something stupid (as kids often do) or whomever was being ridiculous (as kids often are).

When it was me being ridiculed, i hated it, and it felt like there was no escape, no safe place to go and collect myself. When it was not me, i participated gladly, thankful that it wasn't me.

The maddest i get as an adult is when i feel stupid. That's when i lose my shit and start throwing things.

At the time of this temper losing, i feel unable to stop, like i am under attack and have to defend myself. My brain time travels back to that stupid-feeling child and becomes her again.

This is not an unimportant observation.

I want to have a tantrum

2011-08-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

I hate to whine some more, but i'm going to do it anyway.

I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of being strong and making it through the day. I want to lie on the floor and pound my fists and kick my feet and scream. But of course, that will not change anything, other than to give me sore fists and feet and scare the cat.

I've lost my capacity for spending long periods of time alone. It makes me anxious because it feels like maybe it will never end. I wonder if i will get used to it eventually. I hope so. I find myself scrambling to find things to do with people. It's not in my nature to call people up, but i am doing it. I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

So instead of having a tantrum, i went hiking today with a friend. We even went swimming in the mountain lake that was the hiking destination, much to the astonishment of our fellow hikers.

Now it is August

2011-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

If i don't let anyone know how afraid i am, will that make it less true?

My start up friend, Cari, who i mentioned a few weeks ago when we went hiking, was diagnosed with cancer a few days after our hike. For the second time. She has already started chemo and will be losing all her hair, again. She's scared too.

Life moves on, without regard to our individual trials.

****************************************************

I just assisted Em in moving into an apartment for her senior year of college. Can you imagine? Now i am in a cheap hotel room (there is no other kind in this tiny town) watching re-runs on TV while i wait to fly home tomorrow. It's both lonely and kind of nice. I won't see her again until Thanksgiving.

2011-07-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

I filed for divorce today. Four months after he walked out the door.

I don't know what else to say. I'm having a bit of a weep over it.

Why did i have to do it, instead of him? you might ask.

Well, who knows when he would have gotten around to it. I feel like i'm living in limbo, not knowing what he will do. Not knowing if i'll have to fight with him or if he will do what he said he would. I don't trust him. Odd that. Not.

So i did it for me, so i can get started on this process so that it will end sooner rather than later. But it sure is sad. Tears seem appropriate.

i have red fingers

2011-07-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

In all this world is there much better than a purloined evening raspberry, plucked from the vine and eaten while it still holds the day's warmth?

I think not.

Hit and Miss

2011-07-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

I don't miss walking on egg shells.
I don't miss being taken as critical when i was not.
I don't miss the competition.
I don't miss the criticism.

I miss having a hand to hold at the movies.
I miss sex. (Yes, i could probably arranged to get laid, but that's not my style, at least until i get a lot more desperate. :))

Something i have been hearing from many people lately is that i am too hard on myself. Okay, i see that that's true, but i wonder, who among us ISN'T hard on themselves? I mean, aren't most people? Are you? It's a behavior with some usefulness, in moderation. I mean, shouldn't we examine our behavior with a critical eye from time to time? Maybe i just need to learn that moderation part.

Em was just visiting here for the weekend. It was so relaxing not to have to feel like i was between her and her dad, because he was jealous of Em and me being close. We had a great time and did some things and spent some time doing nothing together too.

Here's a picture for you to look at. Isn't he cute? It's a sea lion.

Bitter Pill

2011-07-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

I went for a wee hike with a "start-up" friend yesterday. It was a lovely day. When we started out, i was anxious. For no specific reason, my anxiety has a life of its own. But gradually the day and the hiking and the outdoors calmed me.

This woman, i'll call her Cari, is two years into being separated from her husband, because of his alcoholism, and she is going through the divorce process, with all the attendant difficulty of dividing up the money and the stuff.

Another friend told me to be careful who i spend time with. Cari is very bitter, and will talk frequently about how awful her husband is. I listen, not responding in kind, and then she will wear herself out and move on to other topics.

I was chatting with Em later in the evening, telling her about Cari and her bitterness. I told Em that i don't want to be bitter. She said that it would be okay if i was a LITTLE bitter. So what i hope, is that i will be a little bitter for a while, and then stop. Bitter isn't pretty, but neither are lying, cheating and divorce.

***************************************************
A memory that came to me unbidden a few days ago.

When i was 13, i had a much anticipated trip coming up where i would be spending the whole summer with another family far away in California. A family where people laughed and listened to one another. We would be going on a long car trip and backpacking and visiting with people.

As a countdown to leaving, i got a jar and gathered pebbles so that each morning i would throw one pebble away, and the last pebble would be thrown away on the day i left home. A ritual.

Wallowing

2011-06-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am wallowing tonight. All that's missing is the pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a chocolate bar and a box of tissues and i would be a rom-com cliche.

Remember when i used to be funny?

The amount of sadness feels like it will never all come out of me, there's just too much of it.

Shit you guys, i don't want to do this anymore. I want it to be done, and forgotten.

On the good side, it's a normal sadness, not the debilitating depression kind of sadness. What is not sad about 30 years of a relationship ending with a "settlement" deal?

Yeah, i don't know either.

I hired a lawyer today. And that statement makes me want to rip my eyes out and howl at the moon.

Will the lols never end?

Dark Hole

2011-06-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

I fell into a dark hole when i got home from my trip. It was really scary. I had trouble getting out of bed each day and doing most anything was out of the question. Did a lot of crying and panicking, and had no energy.

Can you say "depression" kids?

Yeah, that was me. I moved over to my brother's house for two weeks and they fed me and made sure i got up every day. Not a pretty picture.

But thanks to the meds finally kicking in, I came home three nights ago, and while i am still up and down, i am functioning and am able to move through my day.

Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I hope i can enjoy the journey as well as the end result. But lots of shit to wade through first. Meeting with lawyers and trying to pick one. Dealing with the Soon-Ex who is much to busy and important to pick a lawyer and divorce his wife.

Trying not to become bitter, but you can't tell from that last sentence. I guess a better goal might be to try and not REMAIN bitter.

My friends and Em remain the awesomest. (Shut up blogger, is TOO a word.)

A bit of nature

2011-06-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

An albatross on his/her egg.

Blue-footed Booby.

Pretty Crab.

Handsome fellow.

Iguanas snuggling.

The pelting spray of the sea.

See the sea lion patiently waiting for the man to finish fileting the fish?

It's not pretty

2011-06-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have chosen now to completely fall apart. I guess i was holding it together for my trip, and now that it's over i'm just a fucking mess.

I feel just terrible about this because Em is actually staying with me right now, and i want to be super woman.

But i'm not.

I was supposed to drive Em down into Oregon by myself this Saturday, to drop her off for her summer internship, and then drive 6 hours back by myself on Monday.

I didn't realize that this was not a good idea in my condition (sleep deprived, not eating enough, panic attacks, etc.) until today, when i was sobbing about whether or not i could make it to my therapist.

So, in a panic, urged on by my therapist, i called my brother and sobbed (again) and asked for his help.

He agreed to come with me. Best brother ever.

It good to have people who love me.

Back

2011-05-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how to tell you about my trip.

It was both incredibly amazing and incredibly difficult. Sometimes i would say to myself, "I just can't do this." because of the panic. But then i did do it.

I just got home a few hours ago, and to Em's discomfiture, the minute i walked through the door, i collapsed on the floor and sobbed for 20 minutes.

My friend i went with is awesome. A few times i just lost it, and she just handed me the the tissues and patted my back until i cried it out.

Damn this sucks, and i wish it would get better faster.

Maybe i'll post some pictures later and you can see some of the great wildlife.

Adios por un momento

2011-05-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am heading off tomorrow morning for what should be a great trip, planned last September with my friend Kim.

Two nights in Chicago. Then off to Ecuador and the Galapagos and then Machu Picchu. Won't be home until the end of May.

I wish my mental circumstances were better, but i am still glad to be going. I'm sick of looking at my sad face around here, that's for damned sure.

The only thing is that Em is coming home from college two days after i leave. Oh well, bad timing. She'll do well here by herself, but my inner mommy can't help fussing a bit.

I left her a tiny little welcome home present in her room. Can't tell you what it is yet, but when you do see it, you'll all be a little jealous.

Internet access may be spotty, except on the boat. (What a world!)

Your words have meant a lot to me. I go back and re-read your comments when i need some comfort.

Take good care of my baby girl while i'm gone y'all.

Old

2011-05-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

This is getting old, even to me, especially to me, but i can do nothing but tell the truth.

I am surviving. I am getting through each day as best i can. Yesterday, i picked my brother up at his work, and we went over to his house for dinner. I had to have him drive as i sobbed bitterly the whole way. I think i allowed myself to do that with him as i KNOW he loves me, and i could finally let loose after a day of going through the motions.

I know the man who left was not such a prize in many ways, it's not even about that. it's just that i miss having someone to share my life with, someone who asks how my day was and listens to the answer.

And there's all the new things, setting up a new e-mail account, figuring out how to back up my laptop, trying to get the Roku thing to work using one of the three fucking remote control thingies we have for the fucking tv. Replacing cartridges in the printer and going online to order new ones. Do you know how many god damned printers there are in this world?

There's no one to multi-task that shit with. The collective memories that i used him as RAM for are gone. If i forget it, it's gone.

Proudly helping Em work stuff out for her summer gig. She did most of the work and i provided practical life experience and encouragement. Look what we can do together, with no help. It's inspiring.

Went hiking today with a friend. That was good. But now here i am on a Saturday night, picking at a store-roasted chicken and waiting until it's a respectable time to go to bed.

That's the god damned truth of it.

2011-05-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like i need to do an update, but this is such a slow process that i don't see any change. Maybe i spent a few minutes less panicking yesterday than the day before. But this morning started out in a panic, as does almost every morning.

I am away from home, visiting with friends from another part of the country. It's warm here. I like that. Been doing a lot of walking and talking. And some listening, as friendship involves both. Friends are the best, by the way.

I still can't make sense of it all, and everything reminds me of him. This sweatshirt i'm wearing we bought together at REI. These shorts we purchased in Hawaii and we both got an identical pair. This t-shirt i have on made him laugh.

I am reaching less often for my empty ring finger, but it's still a shock when i do.

More, just more.

2011-04-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

I would like to tell you that i am better. I would like that very much. I would like to boldly walk away and say, "HA! Good riddance to you." But my heart does not work that way.

In reality, i am worse. More crying, more panic. I think that the shock has worn off, and that the pain and anger has me more firmly in its grip.

I am too impatient with myself. If he had died, i would not be saying to myself, "Get over it already!" And in this case, he killed himself, to me, and then shot me in the heart on his way out.

The pain of that betrayal burns like acid in my heart.

Keeping busy can only help for so long, and then i have to go hide in my car, or somewhere else, and then sob for a long time.

How do people live through this? Everyone keeps reassuring me that it will get better. I know they are right, but i don't believe it. I don't feel it.

And there's no one here to comfort me, and there's nothing they could say if they were here.

He came over last night to get the last of his stuff out of the condo. I was all prepared to be calm and pleasant, and then, i smelled him. He smells like her, sandalwood. It hit me so viscerally that i just choked up and could not even look at him. I was pathetic, and i am ashamed. I want to be tough.

My therapist say that i am strong, but not tough. How i wish i were.

The Panic

2011-04-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

It comes, it goes.

I hate it when it comes. I feel like my skin cannot hold me inside, and i am going to become a puddle of goo sliding on the the floor and never be able to re-form into me.

And then it goes, eventually, and left behind is low level panic. It's not a pretty existence.

I know it's soon, less than 4 weeks. Okay, who am i kidding, exactly 4 weeks tomorrow.

I miss the relationship desperately. Waking up in the morning, no ones knows if i am alive or dead. Reading an article in the paper and thinking, "Hey, HE would like this." And then, oh.... no one to share it with.

And getting home at night, and no one cares. No one missed me or asks how was my day and what did i do.

I'm just letting you know what it's like. If there are any good things, i am struggling to find them.

Oh, there is no pee on the toilets, or the floor. That's nice.

In which i am an addict

2011-04-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

When the going gets tough, the tough do research.

I am going through actual physical withdrawal, according to things i've read. There are hormones that we produce when we are in a relationship that are as powerful as heroin. And when that relationship is suddenly over, we go through withdrawal.

The symptoms can include:

pounding heart - yep
flushed face - yep
panic attacks - yep
feelings of doom - yep
sweaty palms - yep
frequent peeing - yep
dry mouth - yep

and various other unpleasant things, not all of which apply (thank you for THAT).

For some reason it helps me to know this. I am in withdrawal from the soon-ex. There is an actual physical reason for these symptoms that i cannot get to go away by sheer force of will. There is nothing wrong with my willpower. I am not idealizing him, far from it. I just have to get through this, cold turkey, so to speak.

I went downtown last night to see a "conversation" with Joyce Carol Oates with 2,500 of my closest friends. She lost her husband to death a few years ago, and, as she is a prolific writer, she wrote a book about it. As she was talking about her experiences, they touched very closely upon mine. It was both timely and disturbing. But ultimately helpful.

A cup of tea after my trip

2011-04-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Just got home from my weekend in Chicago with Em.

Yes, i cried when i saw her, and maybe a few other times, but we had a pretty good time and did some serious talking. It was good. She's an awesome person. I did something right in my life.

My cat missed me, poor dude. He's a little desperate for attention. Luckily a little cat food and some string action and he's entertained.

I'm still very up and down, honestly, mostly down to medium, but i am doing everything i know as aggressively as possible in order to move through this devastation of my former life.

Tonight, as i took the bus home from the airport (lookit me, all independent and shit) i actually got hungry for the first time in three weeks. I stopped and got myself a burrito. May not sound like much, but i am determined not to lose any more weight. (How crazy does that sound?) I know it's unhealthy and i must take good as good care of myself as a i can.

It was good too.

Not The End, but moving towards it

2011-04-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Saw the Soon-Ex last night in what will be the last time for a while i think. We finished up the taxes and sent them off, discussed a few details and then i sat at the computer IMing with Em while he took stuff out of the house.

I can tell he feels badly about all this. As he should. But it's not my job, nor my inclination to make him feel better.

This is all just so ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. This is not the way to end a relationship.

Today i feel hollow and shaky. Which honestly, is how i feel most days.

There's still lots of his stuff here. I think in a while i will gather it all up and put it in one place. Books, clothing, personal items. All the detritus of a life. Looks pretty pathetic in a pile on a hand cart.

Looking forward..... tomorrow i get on a plane and meet Em in Chicago for a weekend. I hope i don't burst out crying when i see her. But if i do, so be it. Sorry Em.

In all fairness

2011-04-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

Because i try, at heart, to be fair, i asked the soon-ex about his living situation, he did not just blurt it out. I did need his permanent address, and i need to know what i have to deal with. Now that i know, i think, hope, there will be no more nasty surprises. I will be prepared for it when i run into them in the 'hood.

And now for something completely different:

Last night i went to a book club. I know, i know, book clubs are lame, but i am trying to get out of the house and be with people. And my friend invited me, and i have read the book, so i went.

The book was "The Help" and if you've read it you will know what i mean, and if you haven't, that's okay too, you don't need to bother.

Very few of the women talked about the actual book, they just talked about their experiences with racism and how horrified and upset they were by them.

There's something REALLY creepy about a bunch of middle-aged white women sitting around talking about racism, like we would know.

I secretly read my kind!e while most of them talked. Blah, blah.

The final cruelty

2011-04-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

The soon-ex came over tonight, so we could finish up the taxes. I learned two things.

1.) He's moved in to an apartment with his girlfriend.

and,

and this is actually worse,

2.) it's two blocks away from here.

I can't even feel sad right now. It has just driven home how little regard he has for me.

I think he's gone completely insane. I don't know this man. Although i really do.

An ever so brief respite

2011-04-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

One of my gay boyfriends came over and spent last night with me. He brought a fun board game and a fifth of whiskey.

I didn't mess much with the whiskey, but we did have fun playing the board game.

Did you hear that? Despite my ashen stomach and aching heart, i had fun. It's a wonderful thing to spend time with people who love me.

Still feeling barely in control of myself today. I don't really know what to do except to keep on doing the things that i do. Being at home make me anxious. Being away from home makes me anxious. Coming home makes me anxious. Leaving home makes me anxious. Mornings make me sad and anxious. Evenings make me sad and anxious.

What you are privy to here is a person very very close to the edge of losing it pretty much all the time. But what happens if i lose it? Then what? Will it change anything? Will he come and rescue me? No, he will not.

Feeling overwhelmingly alone. Thanks for listening.

Raw Bloody Meat

2011-04-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

I tried to go to a book signing thingie at a bookstore in Seattle tonight to support some fellow bloggers made good.

It was for "Let's Panic About Babies" by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy. Eden links to me on her blog, or at least she used to.

They were funny and all that, but i had to leave before i got my damned book signed because i was about to burst in to tears. Which i did outside the door. Yeah. Cool stuff.

Too much talk about babies and pregnancy made me remember when Em was a baby. And then they mentioned their husbands.

Can this be over yet?

I'll probably never get another chance to meet either of these ladies again. And they'll just remember the creepy tall woman in the back who left abruptly. Or actually, i suspect they won't remember me at all.

I spent some time today trying to figure out how to get more drugs from my doctor. The times when i get so scared i literally don't know what to do are freaking me out. I try not to use the drugs, but damn, sometimes i just feel like my insides are gonna burst all over the floor.

Borrowing trouble, but how am i going to face seeing the Soon-Ex and his girlfriend at things like Em's graduation? The bitterness i feel at that thought is going to make it impossible for me to exist in that space.

Rambling, tired, sad, sick, furious, scared.

2011-04-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Fair warning: It's going to continue to be a drag around here.

But first, you should know that although i am incapable of responding to your love comments, i am reading them and appreciating them.

Biscotto thinks i should get a fuck buddy. Not ready yet, but an idea worthy of consideration in a while.
******************************************************

Time.

Time is passing so slowly. I think it's the pain, and the fear, and the loneliness. No, it's the panic. A primal fear reaction that keeps my heart pounding and my stomach in knots, my legs ready to run, run away from the danger.

But there's no where to run that danger does not follow.

Not rational, i know, but emotion is not rational. Trying to wrestle my fear with my logic. Sometimes successful, sometimes not.

Breathe.

I don't know how to stop loving him. My heart does not know how to unwork that knot. I know i must. But it will take time. Agonizing, slow.

Time.

Everybody sees you're blown apart

2011-04-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

I would like to say that it's getting better, but i cannot. Every time i reach to touch my finger, i get a little shock that my ring is not there. I never realized that i touched it so often.

People are offering me what they can. And i am accepting all offers of comfort. There's no room for pride inside the shattered thing that is my heart.

In case you ever need to comfort someone in a situation like this, here are some examples of what you can offer:

My friend Eileen has come over to spend the night with me, and will be coming back over on Tuesday night. My brother asked me to come along on his weekly Saturday walk/run with a group of friends. My sister bought me some (pretty expensive) natural sleeping aids. My friend Kim gave me the key to her house and has let me spend the night twice, so far. People have e-mailed, called, IMed, texted. One of my squash buddies brought me flowers. Another friend sent me a sweet card. Another friend is coming over tonight just to spend some time with me. People leave me comforting comments. Three people have offered me pot. (Really!) Today a friend offered me her leftover sleeping pills.

It's awkward for people. Nobody really knows what to do for me, in fact, there really isn't anything anyone can do, but i accept each gift knowing that it comes from a place of caring. (Okay, i haven't accepted the pot. I don't know if that's a good idea, but i appreciate the thought.)

Last night i went out with one of my gay boyfriends. He's a therapist. He told me that i am not usually a leaner, and that it was nice to see me leaning. He said he was happy and honored to be leaned on. *sniff*

The one person who i must stop leaning on so much is Em. She has her own life. I just get into a panic, and the only way i know to stop it is to contact her. It's like i need to touch what is left of my family, and i need to do it now. But for her, this isn't as shattering as it is for me. She's not here, and so she doesn't see any immediate change in her life, and it wasn't her husband.

I don't even know where he is. I've been looking after him so long that i don't know how to stop.

I look back and i keep going over and over the lies in my mind. I try to stop and then there they are again.

I hurt.

Then, brief moments of okay.

You guys, and more shit

2011-03-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Really, you guys are great. I mean it. Your comments and support are like little pearls of moisture that i clutch to my chest in the midst of this desert landscape i find myself in.

I am having my friends take turns babysitting me. Sometimes i am alone here too, and it is scary and makes my heart pound and my bowels loosen. I can't eat, although i am forcing myself to do a bit of it, because i know i should.

I am still in shock.

My sweet baby girl, who is going through her own shock, is a lifeline for me. I am trying not to lean too hard on her, but she is really the only one who can partially understand how i feel and what i see. I hope i am as much comfort to her as she is to me, but i doubt it.

I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday. (i don't let grass grow under my feet!) It was with the woman half of the couple that The Mister and i used to see as a couple. (Should i ask for my money back? :) )

I asked her for a reality check on my knowledge of The Mister, and she agreed with what i know about him. It helps to have a pair of trained eyes, to know that my observations are not completely cocked up. It makes no difference to the outcome of this, but it still helps to know that i am not insane.

Hanging on......

love you.

pain/bitterness

2011-03-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm looking back over the last few months, and i am seeing the lies.

It is so incredibly painful that i can barely stand it from minute to minute.

I am leaning heavily on my friends and family, and they are coming through like champs. Thank god for friends.

Lying to someone who trusts you is the act of a coward. It protects you (The Mister) in the moment, and damages the person (me) who was lied to forever.

Or should i call him the soon-to-be-ex Mister.

I have no fucking idea how i'm going to live through this.

Even though i know i will, eventually.

The oldest story in the world

2011-03-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well, It's about to get interesting around here. Hang on if you like for the bumpy ride. Or not.

The Mister left me this morning. He's seeing someone else.

You will be glad to know that i behaved with dignity. I told him good luck.

Nothing is worked out, and it's going to be an unholy mess to disentangle our lives after more than 30 years.

I am numb right now. I am not looking forward to dealing with the pain and the loneliness. But i realize that i cannot avoid it.

I called my brother right away, and he, being the awesome brother that he is, came over and went to the doctor with me, to get some sleeping aid and some anti-anxiety meds.

I may spend the night at his house, but in all honesty, i don't know what to do with myself right now.

Not funny

2011-03-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

Other than The Mister, no one has ever accused me of not having a sense of humor.

We are in Hawaii right now, on vacation. We were awakened last night at 12:30am with a tsunami warning which, for us, really amounted to nothing more than losing a few hours of sleep, although the people on the 1st and 2nd floors of the resort were evacuated to higher floors. (And amusingly, told to bring their pillows with them.)

I knew this was going to happen, but today, whilst strolling the tacky shops in Lahaina, i saw the inevitable "I Survived the Maui Tsunami; 3-11-11" t-shirt, less than 12 hours after the waves dribbled into Hawaii, and only a few hours longer after the waves slammed into Japan.

I winced when i saw it. As Em says, "It's only funny if no one died."

I hope they don't sell any, but i know better.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

2011-03-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

I am SO sick of being a female right now. I never know what's going to happen. It's like playing Russian Roulette where the gun is my uterus and the target is my underpants.

Oh, and Happy New Year, a little late.

Things are slowly returning to normal after a big upset, about which i cannot tell you. But the gist is, it's time for me to grow up. I am having some success with that actually. But it's interesting how long i clung to a behavior that wasn't really working to make me happy. Us humans do not like change.

Peace y'all. Miss you. Really, i do.

Not suitable for F@cebook

2010-12-30T11:28:00.000-08:00

There should be a name for the art of conveying contempt in a manner subtle enough to maintain plausible deniability.

Sometimes i sits and thinks...

2010-11-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

Me! I signed my cynical self up and took a meditation class a few nights ago. And i shall return and take a few more.

I'm not sure if it was epic or not. Actally, that's not true, i am sure that it was not epic. But i am committed to sticking with it for a while and getting out of it that which i can get out of it.

Yeah, there was a bit too much "trying to feel the love and light in my heart" stuff. I can't really feel the love in my heart behind all the fear. But maybe that right there tells you that i need to go.

Perhaps it's really just a good excuse to sit still for an hour without the distractions of home. (I really should put those dishes in the dishwasher and then move the laundry along, you know, that sort of thing.)

I tried doing it the next day at home, but there was a cat who insisted that he must sit on my lap. I don't think that meditating with a cat on my lap is a bad thing, but it was distracting.

I did come home feeling relaxed. Which lasted for all of 20 minutes, but it's a start.

Do you have a "Meno's Blog" discount membership card yet?

2010-09-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

I get the idea of cross-selling, and i know that people in service industry jobs are required to do it, so i don't mind patiently saying "No thank you." several times during any sales transaction, but it seems to be getting totally out of hand.

I was at Barnes and Noble the other day, buying a birthday card for my dad. Here's how it went:

Clerk: Will you be saving 10% with your Barnes and Noble member card today?
Me: No.
Clerk: Would you like to get a Barnes and Noble member card today?
Me: No thank you.
Clerk: Do you need a Barnes and Noble gift card to go with this card?
Me: No thank you.
Clerk: So you already have a gift then?
Me: (now i'm annoyed because really, is this any of her fucking business?) No, i don't like my dad enough to buy him a gift.
Clerk: (a little startled) Oh.

And at a restaurant two days ago:

Waitron: Can i get you anything to drink?
The Mister: Yes, a glass of Whatever Brand wine please.
Me: A glass of water please.
Waitron: No wine for you?
Me: No thank you.
Waitron: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Waitron: But it's Happy Hour! The wine is half off.
Me: No thank you, i'd just like some water.
Waitron: (sadly) Okaaaay then, i'll leave the menu here in case you change your mind.
Me: (under my breath to The Mister) I wouldn't change my mind now if this was the last glass of wine on earth.
...a few minutes later, as she was delivering The Mister's wine...
Waitron: Are you ready for a glass of wine yet?
Me: (through clenched teeth) No thank you.

**********************************

Also, to the guy who installed a pair of fake testicles dangling off the trailer hitch of his little Toyota pick up truck; Do you realize that what this says about you to the whole world is "I AM A COMPLETE JERK!" ?

more, or maybe it should be less, boob news.

2010-09-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

Here's something that's a screamin' deal; At the hospital, they validate your parking if you are having surgery so that you get TWO DOLLARS OFF in the parking garage. Makes it all worthwhile i tell you! We've saved FOUR DOLLARS in the last two weeks.

So i had my second surgery yesterday. Hopefully that will be the end of this shit.

My boob is incredibly sore. I am walking around hunched over like a little old lady so as to minimize the natural harmonic waves that accompany walking with boobs. I even have two sports bras on. Yes, at the same time. A little wave action still sneaks in there though. Ouch!

And oh, the hospital stories;

The condescending nurse that speaks to you as if you were 6.
The farting people in the recovery room who just had colonoscopies.
The nurse who keeps trying to get you to get up and get dressed and get the hell out of the recovery room even though you just woke up 5 minutes ago, who finally admits, "It's a factory around here."
One time they insisted that i had to be wheelchaired out of the hospital, the next time i was allowed to walk out to the horrified gasp of a different nurse who said to my nurse, "You can't just let her WALK out of recovery." (I turned to The Mister and said, "Let's hurry and get out of here before they make me take a wheelchair.")
The chatty person in the next bay in the 'induction room' who wants to talk at you about her bladder problems.
The young girl with mental problems who was screaming when she woke up. (That was sad.)

All in all i can't really recommend it.

I would never admit this....

2010-09-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Last night i missed Em so much that i slept in her bed.

I DID IT!

2010-09-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's 84th birthday.

I used this as an excuse to take him out to lunch without the noise that is my mother. She was a bit miffed, but that's to be expected as she does not like to be left out of anything.

My dad got all dressed up. He had on his best old man Norm Thompson sweater (which unless i miss my guess was a present from my mother), powder blue pants (covered with cat hair) to match his sweater and shiny brown loafers with black socks.

It was so cute i almost cried.

I sometimes think my dad is not really doing very well mentally, but most of it is because he is damned near deaf, and despite wearing two hearing aids, has trouble following a conversation, especially in a crowd.

But one on one, he's doing fine. That makes me happy.

We had a lovely time. I need to figure out how to get him out alone again. And don't suggest that i alternate taking my mother out alone, that's a price i'm not willing to pay.

**************************************************

Two unrelated things:

I am wearing a pair of Carhartt overalls. That makes me feel good.
I just put Bag Balm on my new boob scar. It says it's for chapped teats.......

A bunch of pictures and the results

2010-09-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

The Mister and i went hiking over in Eastern Washington last week. Here are some pictures i took with my own teeny tiny camera.

Purple flowers majesty;

This is the potty at the top of Goat Peak. If you look closely you can see the guy wires that hold it in place in a high wind:

Doug fir flowers. Loved the colors.

Adorable mushrooms clustered in the shelter of rock. Fairies dance here at night, you know it's true;

Okay, now for the results of my excisional biopsy.

No, the lab did not call back on the day they said they would.

Yes, it's a Phyllodes tumor.

Yes, it's benign.

Yes, the edges of the tumor were close the the edge of the excision.

Yes, i will most likely have to have more tit tissue removed. ('Nother appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday.)

Yes, i am likely to post a picture of the scar, but not now, as it is not a scar yet, but a wound.

Yes, i am anxious and annoyed.

My final word on the subject;

Topless

2010-08-27T14:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided to go topless for the entire weekend as a homage to the last few days of having scarless tits. Anyone want to join me in solidarity?

On Monday morning i am having an excision biopsy for the (maybe) Phyllodes Tumor. It turns out that Phyllodes can't truly be diagnosed without actually removing the whole thing.

So i get a two inch scar on my left breast. My career as a breast double for Uma Thurman are over. (Check them out in Dangerous Liaisons, i assure you, they are a work of art.)

The Mister is dubious over my decision to go topless. I will probably listen to him, but he really is NO FUN!

How do the raccoons survive?

2010-08-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

I just left my child in Ohio for her Junior year at college. Junior year people!

How did that happen? HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

I seem to feel even sadder this year than previously as it's now obvious that she doesn't really need me there except as The Wallet and The Chauffeur, roles at which i excel.

I didn't say she doesn't WANT me there, but really, she could do just as well without me. It seems i go for myself.

I was a very 5th wheel at a dinner with Em and one of her friends last night. It was Em's dinner # 1 as she had another dinner scheduled later in the evening. I think this was the consolation dinner.

Ohio provided the usual entertainments, tent caterpillars, massive amounts of road kill.

Current two day count;

4 skunks

18 raccoons

1 Canada Goose

1 bunny

5 'possums

1 deer

1 unidentified greasy spot on road with fur.

Oh, and there was corn too. Plus lots of beautiful old barns that tempted me to stop and take pictures.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be......college students.

Choice

2010-08-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

The Mister shocked the hell out of me the other day. He told me that he is going to try and not leave the toilet seat up any more and asked me to remind him every time he does it.

That sound you just heard? That was my jaw hitting my chest.

I grew up in a house with two older brothers, both of whom were trained to put the seat back down when they were done peeing, so i though this was the way it should be.

When The Mister and i first lived together, i used to get angry and nag him for not lifting the seat. He was unmoved by my requests and my anger. After a while, i gave up, as it was not worth it (although i still thought dark thoughts about him from time to time).

It all comes down to choices. Is it more important for him to be right or is it more important for him to make me happy?

And of course, that works both ways. Because it has often been more important for me to be right than to honor what is a trivial request because it make him happy.

Learning, always learning.....

Snippet

2010-07-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

I like to have warning of when someone in my family is about to come home. Usually this warning consists of a noise. So i listen.

When we had a driveway, i knew the sound of The Mister's car, then the garage door opening. Now it's the faint whine of an elevator i am listening for. If it's a long lasting whine, then it's likely to be him, as we live near the top of the building.

I like to have warning so that i won't be caught doing ........ nothing. I feel guilty doing nothing. I feel like i will be judged for doing nothing. Although when i am doing nothing is when i am thinking. Which appears to the casual observer to be a lot like doing nothing.

To be clear, The Mister has never, ever criticized me for doing nothing, even when it would have been justified, so the difficulty lies in my own head.

Picture from our hike to Mt. Baker this weekend, photographed by The Mister.

Sometimes i fail to listen and get caught ~~doing nothing~~ thinking deep thoughts anyway.

Unrelated Things

2010-07-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

I've decided to keep score in a different way, one that will be sure to get me into heaven; if i believed in heaven that is.

It must be easy for nice people to be nice. I wouldn't exactly know, but i'm imagining that less effort is required than is required for me.

Being rather a snarky person, i often have some snarky comment bubbling up inside me. I'm now going to give myself credit for every comment that i DON'T say! Believe me, there must be thousands of them every year.

Brilliant!

Feel free to use my new accounting method!

You're welcome.

*****************************************

The Mister and i were talking about orange juice the other day. For both of us, when we were children, our mothers gave us special teeny tiny glasses of orange juice in the morning, and that's all we could have.

It's as if orange juice was this special expensive treat that must be doled out sparingly.

What's up with that? It can't have been all that dear as we always had frozen. Making orange juice involved getting a can out of the freezer and plopping the contents into a pitcher and adding exactly 4 and a half cans of water and then poking at the lump of orange concentrate with a wooden spoon until it finally dissolved. (Sometimes we would even lick the lump, but don't tell mom.)

Our mothers must have gone to the same mom school. How about your mom?

Blah blah blah

2010-07-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks y'all for the support and good wishes. And thanks for listening. It's nice to have someone to "talk" to.

The results?

Good news and bad news. It's nothing cancerous, but it is (i just always have to be special and different) a rare form of tumor that will most likely have to be excised. (it's called a Phyllodes Tumor in case you are the type of person who likes to look shit like that up, which i do.)

I was advised to make an appointment with a surgeon to get her opinion. But of course, my cynical self believes that surgeons like to recommend surgery.

So i have been and will be doing more research and getting more opinions before i agree to any such thing.

Part of me wants to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and beat my fists on the ground because i DON'T WANT TO! I'm guessing that's not really a useful option though.

I'm going hiking tomorrow instead, Because the hiking season has finally started around here.

Don't touch!

2010-07-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ice Tits.

Sounds like something one would enjoy on a hot day.

"Hey, who wants an Ice Tit? I have blueberry and banana."

Having gathered more information, i decided to go ahead and get the biopsy done. My doctor seemed all for it, but of course, that would be her view.

I liked the (woman) radiologist who did the procedure MUCH more than the (man) radiologist who did the original ultrasound. She explained it all very carefully and told me WHY she felt it needed to be done. Actual information, what a concept.

My left tit was numbed with some Novocaine mixture, a tiny incision made, and a small bore tube shoved in, guided by the image on the ultrasound. Then a smaller needle was inserted through the tube to shoot out 5 times and get samples. Sounded kind of like a staple gun.

She showed me the samples afterward. Looked like little white bits of fat floating in a tiny jar. (Maybe next time they could biopsy my thighs and get some of the fat out there.)

Now i am sitting here with an ice pack on my tit. Good thing it's 90 degrees outside. I get the results tomorrow. Oddly i don't feel worried at all. The lady radiologist was most reassuring, saying it looked like a blah blah blah thingie.

But really, it's a lose/lose situation for the medical industry. I will be pissed if it turns out to be nothing, and i will be pissed if it turns out to be something.

I am nothing if not contrary.

from the ridiculous to .....the ridiculous

2010-06-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Years ago, when i was knocked up with Em, The Mister and i would go to prenatal appointments together.

When checking in at the front desk, we were always asked, "Is this work related or an accident?"

The possibilities for smart-assery were unlimited.

****************************************************

Yesterday i went for an ultra-sound as a follow up to a mammogram. This doesn't freak me out as i get a call back after a mammogram probably at least half the time, and i've been getting them for over 15 years.

I have dense breasts, or, it's a cyst, i'm always told. About 10 years ago, they wanted me to get a biopsy and i refused. (I worry that to a carpenter, everything looks like a nail, you know?) Whatever it was they saw, it went away.

So yesterday, after more mammogram pictures and then the gelling and wanding of my boobs, the technician and the doctor come in and ask me when i want to schedule the biopsy, just assuming that i will want to do that. (As an aside, great bedside manner to not tell me anything, other than that the next step is a biopsy.)

They were pretty shocked when i said i wanted to think about it.

I kind of have a bee in my bonnet about the medical industry and the reason that insurance is so expensive.

Or maybe i'm just in denial. I am still thinking about it, but i really don't know what to do. I'll be pissed if it turns out to be nothing, which is the likeliest possibility. But i suppose i'll be more pissed if it doesn't and i didn't do anything.

Steam of conciousness starting with a hickey

2010-06-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

Em's boyfriend just left this morning after being here for a week. I am pretty sure they had a good time.

One of the days he was here i met them at a mall. I noticed a....something...on Em's neck and as i instinctively bent over to look at it i realized that it was a hickey at the same time that i heard Morris (the boyfriend) giggle and say "Oops!"

I ignored it after that, i mean, i don't care. It's a rite of passage that they will get over. I'd give The Mister a dope slap if he gave me a hickey now.

But....ah...a hickey...the memories.

My first and only one was when i was 20 and i was living at home for the summer with my parents so that my boyfriend Dan and i did not have the freedom that we were used to when i was living at the dorms.

One late night as he was dropping me off at my parent's house he got a little carried away and left a hickey on my neck.

My neighbor noticed it the next day and said, "Hey! What's that on your neck?" His wife stopped him and said, "Jack, you are showing your age."

Carol Davidson. Oh Carol. I remember you. She was a woman who, for a few of my teenage years, i could talk with about things i would never talk to my own mother about. Carol never had kids and i think she enjoyed our quasi-mother-daughter relationship as much as i did. I would wander over to her house and enjoy the calm and conflict free atmosphere, just chatting with an adult woman who was not constantly judging me.

What a welcome haven for me. Thank you for that Carol.

Reminds me to be open to opportunities to provide that haven for someone else.

Holy crap!

2010-06-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

The toilet in Em's bathroom refused to flush starting late last week and persisted in this state despite all of my usual tricks (repeated flushing, pouring water into the bowl from my exalted altitude, getting The Mister to plunge, etc.)

So i had to break down and call a plumber.

Tom the Plumber (Joe was busy) looked under the bathroom sink and upon noting my choice of wiping material, told me that Charmin TP has LATEX in it.

Can that really be true? I looked it up on the interwebs and couldn't find anything about it. What about people who have latex allergies? Wouldn't this cause them to have rashes in unpleasant places?

Tom was unsuccessful in unclogging the toilet because (heh) his snake wasn't long enough. So he called a different company to come and remove the potty from the floor and use a longer snake.

Rufus the Rooter came over and when i mentioned that Tom thinks we use the wrong TP, he said, "Charmin or Cottonelle?"

I guess this is one of those little secrets that plumbers like to keep to themselves.

Having just been to Costco, i was flush (heh) with Charmin. I offered to pay them with toilet paper, but oddly, they both declined.

Senior moment

2010-06-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people who leaves the shopping cart at the end of the aisle and darts around to get the things to put into it. I think it's faster and i can get around those people who feel the need to stop in the middle of the aisle and ponder the difference between Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Caffeine-Free Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Lime Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Lime Coke and Classic Coke.

While i wish them well in figuring out which kind of complete crap to drink, i would like them to get the hell out of my way.

I do the same thing at Costco, leave my cart wherever and wend my way through the store like a cat weaving around ankles in a crowded room.

Yesterday i was all done shopping when i headed back to where my cart was waiting.

...

....

Where did i leave that cart?

Not here. Not here. Let's see, i was near the kegs o' soy sauce when i last saw it, right? Nope.

Fuck!

I spent about 10 minutes trying to find the damn thing and i never did.

I had to start all over.

Next i will be wandering the parking lot at the mall looking for my car all day,

Sometimes i am not a hypocrite

2010-06-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

Em's boyfriend is coming to visit us from New York in a few weeks.

Even if they don't know me well enough to actually ask, the first question everyone WANTS to ask when i tell them this is, "Where will he be sleeping?"

He'll be sleeping in Em's room.

Why?

Well, because she's old enough to make her own decisions, she's been away at college for two years now and could have (and may have) been doing god knows what while she was there, and because i am in favor of pre-marital sex. (To quote sex advice columnist Dan Savage, "Sexual compatibility should be established early and often!")

In my day (YOU KIDS GET OFFA MY LAWN) when you went home for the summer or for a visit with your boyfriend, you did NOT get to sleep with him at your parent's house because that would have meant that your parents were 'condoning' your slutty behavior. Because if you were sleeping with your boyfriend, even if you were 20 years old and you and he had been together for two years, you were still a shameless hussy who should have been content with dry humping just like your parents did before they were bound in holy matrimony.

But really, i just can't imagine that it's a good idea to EVER marry someone with whom you have never had sex.

Bottom line - i trust my child to make her own decisions, and if she is comfortable with it, so am i.

Sorry mom.

I kissed a juror

2010-05-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

I spent the last week and a half on jury duty.

I spent the first two days sitting in the ~~Death by Boredom~~ potential juror waiting room and thought i had successfully avoided getting empanelled.

I was two minds about this.

Mind One:

Oh, oh, pick me, PICK ME!! I am special. Whatever your criteria are, i meet and probably exceed them.

Mind Two:

Shit, get me out of here! I have things to do, squash games to play, quilting to attend. My cat is lonely.

One of me got her wish, Dammit!

At the very end of the second day, just when i thought i had made it without actually having to do anything, i got called as Number 12 for a potential jury. Sadly, i was not able to say anything offensive enough to get out of it. (Even wearing my "KILL 'EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT 'EM OUT!" t-shirt didn't work.)

Being on a jury is quite weird. This was a civil case about a man suing the local Bus Authority because of an injury sustained when he was getting off the bus.

It's just amazing that 12 people can watch the same thing and come up with such different perspectives.

I decided to lay low so as to not get elected as the "presiding juror." In the end this might have been a mistake as the woman who did get elected got all officious and emotional and kept saying things like, "HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK LIKE THAT?"

Well excuse me all to hell for trying to apply logic to the situation.

Anyway, jury duty is over and i'm back to living my unimportant life doing unimportant things.

Out of nowhere

2010-05-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it creeps up on me, despite my best efforts to distract myself with shiny objects and food.

We are NOT IN CONTROL. Any one who thinks we are is a fool.

Something horrible could, and often does, happen at any moment, without any warning.

Earthquake, Nose piercings, Car accident, Cancer, Heart attack, Meteorites, Plane crash, Car bomb, Locusts, Oil spill, McDonalds.

And so on. The list is literally infinite.

There is no amount of money or planning that can insulate us from these events. As the bumper sticker says, "THINGS OCCUR." (Or something like that.)

But there is really know way to live knowing that at any SECOND, things could deteriorate into utter shit. So i blunder on. What else can we do?

Nothing in particular triggered this in me, things are a bit uncertain right now in regards to selling our house, it might happen, it might not, either way we'll be fine. But it's the suspense that's driving me anxious.

Must practice denial skills.

My Big Mouth

2010-05-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

picture purloined per Wikipedia.

I was half-assedly listening to the radio and i heard a promo for this upcoming segment "How to repair a sarcastic friendship."

My eyebrows went up as i thought, What an interesting topic! I could use that information.

What my brain failed to process is that i was listening to a cooking show and the upcoming topic was "How to prepare a sarcastic fringehead." (A real fish, see above.)

Big difference.

But i am still interested in how to repair a sarcastic friendship. Sometimes i meet someone who is a real smart ass (like me) and we get going, moving from sarcasm to amusing insults and never recover. I then find that the other person has a higher tolerance for sarcasm and amusing insults than i, and i wonder how to tone it down so we can actually get to know one another, because i'm bored with the sarcasm and insults.

I find myself in this very situation with someone The Mister and i are becoming friends with, one half of a couple. I've come to be very wary to be around this person.

See? Mom was right, It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt!

It's difficult for me to play the earnest dim wit, but i think that's the course of action i've settled on. Perhaps when things settle down a bit i can bring the sharp tongue back out.

Of course the best thing would have been to not get started in the first place, but given my medium level of social anxiety, i'm not sure what to do without that coping behavior.

I really could have used that advice show.

The Human Disaster Report

2010-05-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

I organized a function, a "Tea Party" (and thank you to those fuckers for ruining THAT phrase) to thank the former volunteers of the organization i volunteer for.

One of the women i invited is someone i don't really care for, but i figured she would get lost in the crowd and i wouldn't really have to interact with her.

Which was mostly true, but she managed to deepen my dislike of her in 5 seconds. Pretty impressive!

This woman, i'll call her Cynthia, LOVES bad news with almost a sexual excitement. She'll rush up. panting slightly, and say, without even a" hello" first, "Did you hear about **fill in disaster here**?" There's this little gleam of excitement in her eyes.

I find it really unappealing.

Someday, with all the work scientists are doing on brain chemistry and genetics and all that, i wonder if there will be some genetic marker for people who are ~~REALLY FUCKING CLUELESS~~ socially inappropriate.

Something really horrible did happen to someone close to Cynthia, but she made it really hard to respond sympathetically because she seemed so aroused by being able to deliver the news.

Wrong venue, wrong delivery, wrong audience.

Yuck!

2010-04-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

Can you read this? It cracked me up. I don't think they appreciated me taking a picture of it but the customer is always right, right?

It's been a good week.

1.) Someone made an offer on our house. Which we accepted. And now the waiting begins.....

2.) Something good happened to Em, which is her news to tell, but it made her happy and that makes me happy.

3.) The Mister "found" some extra money that he forgot we had. Silly, silly man! (This is why i balance the checkbook.)

and,

4.) I have a BRAND NEW laptop that is better than yours in EVERY WAY! (At least for a week until the next version comes out, but WHATEVER!)

5.) I am in San Diego visiting with a friend and so far the weather is lovely.

(Yes, number 3 and number 4 are connected.)

Some bad and sad stuff happened too, but i am choosing to live in denial, just for a little while.

What's up with you?

A brief thought

2010-04-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

A conversation from The House of Meno last evening:

Me: (after the cat had just yawned in my face) Brown Cat has Kitty Breath!

a moment of silence...

Me: I suppose his breath is pretty good considering he never brushes his teeth.

The Mister: Maybe if i only ate cat food i could skip brushing my teeth!

another moment of silence...

Me: Yeah, and then you could skip sex too.

Kitty Litter Saga

2010-04-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

We recently moved to an upper floor condominium, where my previously indoor/outdoor cat would have to use a litter box for all his potty needs.

He's a good boy, so he hasn't had any problems with this, but honestly, all the litters out there SUCK!

Attempt the first: The usual standby, clumping clay litter. Oh My God! The dust! I felt like i needed a face mask just to scoop it every morning.

Attempt the second: Compressed pellets of sawdust. Says on the package that it's an ecologically sound use of recycled material. What they DON'T tell you is that upon contact with moisture, it disintegrates into a soggy pile of smelly stink that sticks to the sides and bottom of the box.

Attempt the third: This cool looking blue and white crystal stuff. Oh My God! The noise. It sounded like he was mining gravel when he scratched around in the middle of the night. Who would have thought that kitty litter could be so noisy? PLUS, it didn't clump and some of the crystals would turn yellow with pee and that's just gross. PLUS, he tracked it all over the house and those little crystals HURT when you step on them.

Attempt the fourth: Corn-based kitty litter with "Fresh Pine Scent." Oh My God! The smell! I don't want to smell a whole fucking pine forest when i walk within 20 feet of his potty room. At least it clumped.

Attempt the fifth: Wheat-based kitty litter. It clumps. It's renewable. It has very little smell. But again, he tracks it all over the house. Sigh. Looks like i get to vacuum every day.

You'd think with all the chemical engineers we have in this country whose job it is to turn cat pee into cement there could be a perfect kitty litter out there by now.

Grumble grumble.

I amuse myself

2010-04-03T09:27:00.001-07:00

My dad got a k!ndle for my mom for Christmas, and since i already had one i was appointed to help her figure out how to use it. This was a smart move on my dad's part, as she tends to resent his interference and him telling her what to do, and since she wants me to like her, she will listen to what i say.

Right after Christmas i got her device all set up and registered to their Amaz0n account, and we bought a few books for her. It was painful, but we muddled through.

So far so good.

At the last family cluster fuck, she showed me her k!ndle and asked me to fix it as she couldn't seem to buy any new books. Turns out she had somehow managed to deregister it.

(As an aside, why is it that older people, at least the ones i know, all have ONE e-mail account, and ONE Amaz0n account between them?)

I got that all figured out and fixed it up and presented it back to her.

What i didn't tell her was that i purchased her an extra (free) book called "Male Call - Hot Zones Book 1" that will appear on her device the next time she turns it on. My niece and nephew (who were looking over my shoulder) and i all thought this was hilarious.

Today i signed back into their Amaz0n account and gave the book a 5 star rating.

Oh the LOLs!

They will NEVER figure out why they are suddenly inundated with recommendations from Amaz0n for trashy light porn novels.

What a waste of a day.

2010-03-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

Oh My God, you guys, it was awful. Em and The Mister and i all came home feeling creeped-out and pissed-off. Not such a great way to end the day.

Today was the day i have been in denial about for a month or so. It was the day that we, we being my entire family, got together to do the "Family Video" that i have been dreading. It was something that my middle brother, Tim, bought at some auction or other and thought would be a cool thing to do for my parents. Something that we would all be interviewed for and would come up with happy beautiful memories of my parents to preserve forever on video.

Something we could all have a copy of and watch when we felt like it. (Which would be fucking NEVER for me, thank you very much!)

So we all gathered, dutifully, because one thing we all are is dutiful. We were told to be there at 10:30. As i suspected, there was no planning and no one had organized the event. So we waited around, all 14 of us crammed into my parent's apartment pretty much the whole damned day. I finally got "interviewed" at 3:30 pm. A whole beautiful Saturday, wasted!

Oh the pressure to some up with some happy memories, the pressure to preserve the illusion that nothing was ever wrong growing up, that we all love my mom and dad.

Yuck!

There was lots of sarcasm. You are shocked, i know. I kept saying, to anyone who would listen (who wasn't my brother or my mom or dad,) "I just can't tell you how much i've been looking forward to this. No, really, i can't!"

And the end result? Who knows, i mumbled some crappy answers when it was my turn. I mean, really, three words that describe my mother? (I said prolix, stubborn and outdoorsy. How lame is that?)

The end result is that i love my family. All of them but one. One of the two about which this video cluster fuck was about. My mother. Yeah.

That was what we all danced around. We danced around the fact that we all love each other, but we don't love one of the seeds of this family.

Later, after thinking about it for a long time, i decided not to give her that much power. The power to ruin a family that is pretty damned cool, a family of survivors of her.

So what i say? Out loud? I love 13/14ths of my family!

But i didn't say that on video.

One cool thing i got out of the day is this picture of my brother and me at ages 15 and 13, respectively. Same hair, same glasses, same clothes, same body shape. I think we are so cute!

Umm, Thanks?

2010-03-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

I should have been suspicious when my mother asked me for our new address. I suppose i was hopeful that she might be sending me a check!

I forgot all about it until last week an unexpected package arrived from who-the-hell-is-Meg-McMathers?

I had no clue until i opened the package and a funny old freshwater pearl necklace and a note popped out.

Turns out Meg McMathers is the name of an old friend of my mother's who has been married twice more since i last knew her, 40 years ago, hence my not recognizing her name.

Despite the fact that i was puzzled as to why the hell she would think i would want this necklace and why the hell she would send it to me, i sent her a nice thank you note, because without regard to what you may think, i was not born in a barn.

It must be that since i have forbidden my mother to give me HER old stuff, she's having other people send me theirs!

Peeved by ignorant sound bites

2010-03-08T14:31:00.001-08:00

I swear to god, what is it with people and their stupid bumper stickers?

Yesterday's entry into the Hall of Shame and Dumbassery:

AMERICAN AND PATRIOTIC WILL NEVER VOTE DEMOCRATIC!

Great, so being patriotic and an American means that no thinking is ever required for voting? And if i ever vote for a Democrat i am not an American or patriotic? Awesome, just awesome.

****************************

To those of you who have contacted me to ask if all is well in my world, Thank you. I truly appreciate your caring. All is well actually. The Mister and i went off to Hawai'i for two weeks and had a wonderful time and avoided the tsunami.

It's whale season there right now, and we could hear them singing when we were swimming. It was magical.

I am pretty content right now. I am just busy enough and have been getting the regular exercise that i require for my mental health.

Em is coming home this Friday for the second half of her spring break. She's off in NY city right now staying with a friend and his parents. I love it when she stays with other families and sees their dynamics. She sent me this text message yesterday:

"Watching Mark and his mother interact is one of my least favorite activities. Yikes. I am so grateful for you right now."

That warms a mother's heart right through i tell you!

Up next! A story about my mom, because it's such low-hanging fruit.

I can ask for what i want

2010-02-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

What i am learning from people who are paid to teach us this stuff:

I didn't think i had the right to ask him to change his behavior just because it was a problem for me. I kept trying to get him to see that it was a problem for him.

And that never worked, because, i guess, it was not a problem for him, even though i thought it was. In fact, i thought it very clearly was a problem for him. I felt frustrated because he would not see that. I thought he was being stubborn. But he was perfectly happy with what he was doing.

But i do have the right to ask him to change something, because we are striving to be and stay a couple, who do things together and are each other's support system. Because people who want to have a successful and happy relationship are willing to make changes for each other.

So i asked The Mister to stop drinking because i don't like it and it made me anxious when i watched a bottle of wine come out every night and disappear.

And he did. Which makes me happy and that increases his happiness. See how that works?

Have a Seat

2010-01-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

I was hanging out with a group of women the other day and one of us was complaining about the spotting issue.

You know, those spots of pee left behind right in front of the toilet for you to step in later.

Apparently pee is damaging to her floors so when she has parties, she patrols the bathroom for mop up detail. She ended by saying that she could tell us which men have the most caustic pee.

Ha ha! We all laughed in commiseration.

Another woman pipes up with, "My husband sits down to pee!"

After thinking, "and wouldn't he be thrilled to know you are telling us all this tidbit?" i let her statement sink in.

I didn't know a man could do that! I mean, i just never even considered it. I got an amusing mental image though.

I mentioned this (somewhat hopefully i admit) to my husband when i got home. He laughed at me and said, "in your dreams!"

Damn!

Hypersensitive

2010-01-25T15:07:00.000-08:00

This happened a while ago, but i just started to think about it the other day in a new way.

The Mister and i went out to dinner with another couple who are good friends. Wine, food, conversation, the usual.

During the dinner The Mister did this thing he does that makes me cringe. He acted all the Big Man with the waiter, trying to be buddies with the man. Discussing wine like he knows what he's talking about, talking with a slightly louder voice than usual, leaning back in his chair and nodding knowingly.

Ugh!

The next morning i went for a walk with the woman half of the couple, as we have enjoyed doing together for years. As we were walking and talking about this that and everything else, she told me that she had been SO EMBARRASSED by her husband's behavior the night before.

Huh? I hadn't noticed him doing anything heinous.

Apparently he had done this thing that he does and tune out anything that might make him have to participate in any decisions regarding the meal, choosing wine, discussing whether or not to get an appetizer or a dessert, dividing up the bill. He's a "whatever you guys decide" sort of man.

She mentioned it because The Mister ended up paying for more of the meal than he should, because her husband had not been paying attention, and she felt badly about it.

I hadn't even noticed, and in any case, it tied in nicely with the Big Man routine of The Mister.

Ha ha, we laughed and went on to something else.

This happened about 6 months ago, and for some reason i thought about it the other day. I hadn't realized how it shows how all up in our respective husband's business we both are. Looking for things to criticize and privately roll our eyes over and be anxious about.

Pretty silly when you think about it that way.

Gaslighted

2010-01-18T09:16:00.000-08:00

I read something i shouldn't have. Something that wasn't good for me.

It was a book called "Happens Every Day" about the disintegration of a woman's marriage because her husband fell in love with someone else.

As an aside, i cannot recommend this book on a literary level, it's not all that well written. But what it did capture was that level of insanity being lied to by someone you are supposed to trust creates in you.

Where you KNOW something, you know it with every instinct that you possess, but you are told, repeatedly, that you are wrong, you are crazy, you are a jealous controlling person who needs to get some help.

You are being gaslighted.

I realize that i am more afraid of being lied to than being cheated on. It creates more damage. It's the way out for a coward. The coward who can tell him (or her) self that they are doing this to try and spare you the heartache, when in reality, they are sparing themselves from the consequences of their behavior.

See how i used this book to pick open an old scar and make it bleed again?

I should have but the book down (okay, it was on my Kind!e, i should have deleted it) and never picked it up again when i realized how wounded i was starting to feel, how angry.

So the question is, why the hell would i do that to myself? I can't come up with any good answers for that question. But it clearly holds some appeal for me. I have to admit that these sorts of stories fascinate me. And that's just creepy.

What is wrong with me that i would do this?

There are some things that you never really "get over" you just get on.

Life in a bubble

2010-01-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

I've been existing in a sort of bubble of unreality for the past month or so.

Moving.
The "Holidays." (Used an excuse for practically anything and everything. Depressed? It's the "Holidays." Too busy? It's the "Holidays." Happy? Lazy? Eating too much or too little? Yep, must be those pesky "Holidays." Kind of like the whole nation gets its' period. (Oops, sorry, got carried away. End rant))
The Mister being on vacation.
Em home from school.
Off to the ocean for a few days.

I have been reluctant to come out of this bubble, as there is work associated with reality that i would prefer to ignore.

While in the bubble, if we get hungry, Hey! No problem, off to a restaurant. In reality, the credit card bills for eating every meal out are nasty. So, back to meal planning and shopping.

In the bubble, the computer is used for playing yet another game of Chainz. In reality, i must answer e-mails and pay bills and converse with lawyers and insurance companies.

In the bubble, moving into a new home meant that i could avoid housework because everything was so clean to start with. In reality, the dust bunnies are raising their grandchildren right out in the open. So, i must find the vacuum cleaner and USE it.

In the bubble, all the eating and drinking has no consequences. In reality, it, um, does. So, back to moderation.

Freeze Frame

2009-12-16T20:41:00.000-08:00

It's been cold around here lately. Verry cold. Colder than a witches ......

fountain! Yeah, a witches fountain.

We went to visit our recently vacated house on Saturday. While driving down the driveway i noticed that there was water seeping out from under the garage doors.

Note to self: This is a bad sign.

There was a new water feature at our house!

And like Mrs Piggle-Wiggle's upside down house, the garage ceiling was on the garage floor!

What i enjoyed the most about this is that the big fluorescent lights that were hanging down, still worked.

What i enjoyed the least is that the water had gotten into the house and ruined some of the flooring in the dining room.

But hey, that's what insurance is for, right?

*************************************

On a different note, i'm going to have to put word verification on here for a little while. I apologize for that, but some damned ad-bot program is leaving me little presents on all my old posts and i weary of deleting them.

There's a special place in hell for spammers, right next to John Wilkes Booth.

Going for a guilt trip

2009-12-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

A phone call from my mother.

She just wants to "drop off" a little present for Em on Sunday. Would that be all right?

So i invite them to come and have lunch with us. Seems like the decent thing to do. They are bringing my child a present after all, and they haven't been to our new place.

After we get the directions and the details all worked out, my mom starts protesting. "Oh, are you sure it's okay? It isn't too much trouble?"

After a few more of these statements, which i have answered with "Oh, no, it's okay" i realize something else is going on, and i say, "Why are you questioning me?"

"Oh," she says, "i had just hoped that YOU would call us."

Ah.

After she hung up it took me a few moments to identify the emotion i was feeling.

Guilt.

Which was exactly her intention. Which made the guilt shift to mad. I do mad better than guilt anyway.

One quiet moment

2009-12-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

I took a bus to downtown Seattle the other day, as i sometimes do.

While i sat reading, waiting for my next bus, a rare moment of quiet descended on my little section of the city, causing me to look up from my book.

I looked to my right, curious as to the source of a tiny sound. It was the toenails of one of the ubiquitous pigeons clicking on the sidewalk. He cocked his head to look at me, trying to intuit the possibility of my possessing food.

The quiet was ended by the raucous laughter of two women walking behind the bus stop. I looked over to see them clinging together, one woman hopping on one foot while her other foot was no longer shod.

Her momentum had carried her forward without her shoe when the fashionable heel had been snared by a sidewalk crack.

She hopped back to retrieve her shoe and they continued on, still laughing. I smile at their fun.

Evangelical Atheism

2009-12-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

Some fools have paid for advertising on the buses around here that says "Yes Virginia, there is no God."

I am an atheist, but i don't like evangelicalism of any ilk.

As if an ad on the side of a bus would convince anyone of anything.

Can't you just see this happening?

Spying one of these ads, a woman slaps herself on the forehead, "Oh man, that makes SO MUCH sense. Now i know the truth. Thank you Atheism Board."

Yeah, right.

Seems like it's just designed to annoy and upset people.

Obnoxiousness from the other side:

Last week i saw a bumper sticker with this

If you are living your life like there's no God, YOU'D BETTER BE RIGHT!

My bumper sticker response?

If you are living your life like your God is the only true God, YOU'D BETTER BE RIGHT!

As promised

2009-12-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

FLUFFY BUNNY!!!

Also, you know i rarely post links, not because it's beyond my skills or beneath my dignity, but because i'm too lazy.

But if you have never been here, please take a few minutes to check it out. You won't REGRET it. (har har)

If you need enticing, it's some of the weirder stuff that makes its way to Etsy, A site where people can sell crafty stuff, or in some cases, crazy stuff.

Back later with the usual ranting.

If i gave birth to you, do not read this

2009-12-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

There are only so many responses one can make to complaining, only so many times you can say "i'm sorry," or "that sucks." But the urge to complain is strong within this one (like the force within Luke.)

I finally went to the doctor for my sprained ankle.

I've been sentenced to THE BOOT!

I hate THE BOOT. I spent 8 weeks in one several years ago. THE BOOT makes your calf muscle disappear, leaving it looking like a deflated balloon. Disgusting.

And, the worst visit ever with Em over Thanksgiving.

She was mean and argumentative. Constantly spouting song lyrics or inside jokes from her buddies at school. Which is boring and off putting. Talked about how much she missed her friends and how lonely she was. All this for a week away from them.

I never before have been happy to see her leave.

Guess she's finally doing some separating. In talking about it with other parents, it seems like the sophomore year at college is the worst as far as stress.

I hope so.

So, i'm a little sorry for all the bitching, but it had to be done.

Next up, a post about FLUFFY BUNNIES!

The week in review

2009-11-27T18:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday: I sprain my ankle playing squash. It hurts, but the colors are pretty. I try to keep it in perspective by remembering that it's not liver cancer (which a friend of mine has, so i should just shut the hell up.) I am grumpy.

Sunday: I wash my face with hair conditioner. The good news is that my face is tangle free, but my hair is not. Frequent applications of ice to my ankle help reduce the swelling.

Monday: I complete my first load of laundry at the new place. Already, a sock is missing, i kid you not.

Tuesday: The Roomb@ shows up! All of us, including the cat, watch in fascination as it navigates around the house and vacuums up cat and meno hair.

Wednesday: The Mister takes the day off to relax and then spends the entire time watching worker bee dudes fuck around with the lighting and security system. The Mister is grumpy.

Thursday: Thanksgiving with the family. My brother and i fuck up the gravy, but my sister, dragged in for a consultation, manages to rescue it with the liberal addition of sherry. The Mister drinks too much and Em is sick and grumpy. She has to go to work at midnight so we leave early.

Friday: The Mister falls down the stairs whilst carrying a nightstand. We spend 3 hours in the emergency room mostly waiting. He gets his chin glued shut and three stitches in his lip. His face looks like he came in third in an axe battle. He is grumpy.

Stuff it

2009-11-17T16:41:00.000-08:00

Boxes and hand carts and newsprint and STUFF, SO MUCH STUFF!

We are moved into our new place, without really being moved out of our old place. In the midst of so much chaos, i find that the one thing i must do every single morning, before the sheets are even cold, (Get your ass out of bed NOW, Mister!) is make the bed. It seems i need to have at least one thing in my life in order.

In our new place, we have a storage locker (Now full of The Mister's STUFF, but really, who notices things like the fact that 90% of the STUFF is his STUFF?) There are also a couple of restaurants in the building, one of which has the storage locker next to ours. It's where they keep the booze.

When we were moving some of our STUFF into the locker last week, someone made a trip to the restaurant's locker and dropped a bottle of beer whilst inside. The whole room full of lockers smelled like a frat house for three days.

Today when i went to our locker to drop off some MORE STUFF, i noticed that the restaurant's storage locker has been left unlocked.

OH THE MORAL DILEMMA!

I peeked in. Bottles and bottles of wine and Patron and Bombay Sapphire and Grey Goose and and......

Oh, how it hurt to go out through the restaurant and tell them.

Rub me the right way

2009-11-12T15:02:00.000-08:00

I joined a massage place, kinda like joining a gym, only with massages instead. There is a pretty cheap monthly rate, for which i get one massage a month, and any other massages after that are 39 bucks! THIRTY NINE BUCKS! For an hour massage!

Score!

I have come to realize one thing about massages though, it's hard to relax while keeping your butt clenched.

She's pressing down, HARD, on my back, and it's pretty soon after lunch. Guess i shouldn't have had a burrito. But on the plus side, i did shave my legs this week.

I guess getting face farted must be an occupational hazard of being a masseuse. Not every one can have the butt clenching abilities i possess.

Oh, and that MUSIC they play. One lute accompanied by a stoned harpist. Today i asked the masseuse if she blasts Metallica in her car on the way home after a whole day of this crap. I know i would. She didn't answer yes or no, but she laughed.

It feels so good that each time after they finish with me, i ask the masseuse for her hand in marriage.

So far no luck with that.

Inappropriate

2009-11-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, i am busy moving, but i have the best mother story ever. EVER!

A tiny bit of background:

Seattle built a new trolley in the past few years. It's called the South Lake Union Transit. Amazingly, no one thought about the acronym that would result from this.

Here's the mom part.

I went to breakfast with my sister a few days ago, she told me this story, for which she WINS for all time.

She went to visit my parents for the 16th birthday of her youngest daughter.

The present from my parents was some money, and a t-shirt that said "Ride The Slut."

Oh My God! This for a sixteen year old girl!!

My jaw dropped on my chest and bounced a few times.

The fun thing is that Em's birthday is coming up soon, and my mother often gives the same present to each grandchild. So, thanks to my sister, i am prepared to deliver a total smackdown.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO WEAR ACROSS HER CHEST??????????

i don't think so.

2009-10-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

In case that's too small to read, it says, "What men see in women or women in men to admire is generally a puzzle to those who know the men and women in question intimately."

It's a quote and picture from a book that is over a hundred years old. It belonged to my grandmother and was published in 1901. the title of the book is Crankisms and the author is Lisle de Vaux Matthewman, with illustrations by Clare Victor Dwiggins.

At some weddings a part of the ceremony is to ask the audience if they will support the newly minted couple. I always enthusiastically answer this question in the affirmative, and i really mean it.

So, some of us don't understand what you see in the man you have chosen. He's not a bad man, i just don't think he's anywhere near wonderful or funny or engaging enough for you.

But you chose him. And i support you in that choice.

I do.

Gentlemen, start your grills

2009-10-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

In the past few months i have observed some interesting behavior in regard to meat grilling.

Scene 1: At someone else's house, i watched a male guest critique, and then ultimately take over the grilling of the fish. The host, a secure and calm man, let Mr. Rude Guest take over without a fuss and went off to toss the salad.

(As an aside, the fish was slightly over done.)

Scene 2: Steak this time, also at someone else's house. Three male guests began to argue rather vehemently about the correct steak grilling technique. To sear or not to sear? How long on each side per inch of thickness? Is the grilling fork with the temperature gauge a worthwhile tool or a crutch for the incompetent? Apparently. THESE THINGS ARE VITALLY IMPORTANT!

(My steak was also overdone, but to be fair, i like it RARE.)

Scene 3: Our house this time, and back to fish. The Mister and Mr. Polite Guest were outside. When The Mister declared the fish done, Mr Polite Guest expressed concern that the fish was NOT done. The Mister's explained his theory that the fish continues cooking after being removed from the grill.

(The fish was yummy.)

I'm trying to think if any guest, other than my mother, has ever criticized me while i was cooking. To my face i mean. (When my mother did it, i told her "Great idea. Here, you do it." That shut her up!) I couldn't remember any.

My theory is, if someone else cooks, my job is to offer to help, shut up, and eat it.

Clueless

2009-10-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

The Mister and i went to an obligatory brunch with my parents yesterday.

Those of you who have been following the adventures of meno know that my mother likes to talk, and is constitutionally unable to listen.

So all that was needed from me was the occasional "uh huh," "really?" " is that right?" and "you don't say," to keep the ~~monologue~~ conversation going.

As she likes to do, she began to complain about one of my brothers and his wife, who had visited them a few days before. "I never learn anything from them about their lives when they are here," she whined.

"Did you ask them any questions?" i asked.

"Oh you," she answers, "don't be that way." Which is her standard reply when i say something she isn't expecting or doesn't like.

I am not wondering why she didn't learn anything from them.

Fun in bed

2009-10-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, unbeknownst to me, a nickel, yes, a coin worth 5 pennies, was lurking in my bed.

As i rolled over, again, unbeknownst to me, the nickel stuck to my hip. A few seconds later, it detached and slid down my leg, because gravity, it works.

All i knew at that point, is that something vaguely cold was moving down my leg under the covers.

Being the calm and collected person that i am, as well as (sadly) an arachnophobic, i screamed and leapt about 5 feet from the bed, dragging the blankets and top sheet with me.

Oddly enough, this woke up The Mister, who also leapt out of bed, ready to do battle with whatever evil hell minion was attacking his woman. He seemed rather put out that there was nothing to slay.

The nickel remained calm and stayed in bed.

Oh, for a video camera in the bedroom at that moment.

Crank Call

2009-10-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

I got to give someone a well-deserved verbal dressing down the other day.

Man, it was FUN!

I was answering phones during a pledge drive at our local public radio station. They had just announced a special premium for a $250 donation. It was two tickets to come and sit in on a live taping of a show featuring Al Gore.

So the phones start ringing, including mine.

"Thank you for calling KUOW. Are you calling about the Al Gore tickets?"

"Yes!"

I raise my hand in the air to make sure that caller dude gets one of the special stickers that denote this premium.

He continues talking;

"I wouldn't give warm spit to see Al Gore!"

I reach out with my hand to prevent the station worker from attaching the sticker to the pledge sheet i had begun to fill out.

"Never mind," i tell her, loud enough for the man on the phone to hear, "he's just calling to bitch."

The other people at my table start to pay attention. We all love a good cranky caller. We trade stories about them during the down times.

"So," i say, "you don't like Al Gore?"

"No!" says my caller. " I think he's a total fraud."

"And you felt so strongly about this that you called me, a volunteer on the pledge line, to complain about it?"

"Well, ah, yes"

"Seriously? I think that was a poor choice. What possible good do you think that will do? What a complete waste of energy."

"Ummmm...."

"And what exactly would you like me to do for you?"

"Ahhhh...."

"Unless you are willing to give me you name and phone number so i can have someone from the station call you back, i'm going to hang up now."

(small voice) "Uh, okay. Bye."

My table mates were quite shocked that i had spoken to this man so sharply, and then hung up on him. But the lady from the radio station said, "You handled that really well!"

I was grinning! So, thanks Mr. Caller Dude. That was fun.

Getting Started

2009-10-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

Years ago, like thirty years, i saw an little animated short film called "Getting Started" at one of those ubercool film festivals that universities are so fond of.

The movie depicts the difficulties of just getting started.

A man sits at a piano, hands poised above the keyboard, ready to play. He stops, deciding that perhaps a nice cup of tea would be just the thing.

Back at the piano with tea, hands raised, when his pet mouse appears. He talks to the mouse.

He scratches his nose, he gets up to take a phone call, he stares out the window.

And so on.

I've never been one to blog daily, but i begin to recognize that one of the advantages of it would be that you would not have to get started, you just keep going.

It's like those sexless dry spells that married (and i suppose unmarried) couples go through. After a while, you have to stop waiting for the time to be right, and just DO IT fer crissakes!

Writing is something i do. In many it's ways necessary to me. But the longer i go without writing, the harder it is for me to get started.

Excuses:
1) Things are going on in my life that are hard to talk about. Not necessarily BAD thing, but things.
2) My daughter ferreted out my blog and reads it. That i feel a tad stifled by that.
3) The cat needed to be petted.
4) And so on.

Stuck in the Middle

2009-09-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Scene 1: Dinner with my parents last week.

Partway through the meal, my dad starts complaining about my brother, Tim, how he never sees them and doesn't feel close to them, etc. etc...

My mom chimes in about how busy they always are and how they never return her phone calls. (I'm thinking, 'They return MY phone calls,' but wisely decided not to say that out loud.)

Blah, blah, blah, more complaining ensues.

Scene 2: Dinner at my brother's house Monday.

I tell Tim the good news, that mom and dad aren't going to be around for Thanksgiving this year! (Well, i thought it was good news!)

Tim starts complaining about how busy mom and dad are, and how he never sees them unless he invites them to do something and how they never see their grandchildren.

Uh oh!

My 2 cents:

I tend to think, from past history, that Tim possesses the opinion closest to reality.

Now i'm wondering what to do. Truthfully, i would do nothing if not for the fact that Tim seems truly hurt. If i were to talk to anyone, it would be Tim, as i think he has the more adult view, but i am hesitant to stick my big fat nose into this, because i can see how it could VERY EASILY come back to bite me in the ass.

If you give a Meno a Cookie

2009-09-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm staring down a Star8uck's oatmeal cookie right now. I made the mistake of looking up the calorie count on the interwebs after i bought it and before i ate it.

400 calories, 65g of carbs. Wow. I've been in denial and it was a lovely place to visit. I think i stayed too long.

So the cookie is sitting next to me. The struggle is that it cost $1.49 (plus tax) and i hate to waste money. But then, at the end of the day, would i pay $1.49 (plus tax) to have eaten 400 fewer calories? I think i would. If only it were that easy, because what i actually have to do is much harder than spending money. I have to not eat the cookie.

Can she do it?

I don't know.....stay tuned.

******************************
The Mister somehow damaged his Visa card, so he called for a new one. When it arrived he got on the phone to activate it, and was puzzled when he got transferred to an actual human.

"Can you tell me what you use your card for? she chirped.

"To charge things," answered The Mister, thinking "WTF?"

"What kinds of things?" asked little Miss Ch*se Bank employee.

"I'm not willing to answer that. If you want to know, look it up in your records. Is my card activated?

"Yes, sir, your card is activated. We are trying to assess your spending habits in order to ~~sell you shit you don't need~~ better determine your credit card needs," responds Ch*se Bank employee, her accent becoming more pronounced.

"I'm going to hang up now. Bye." And he does.

"Let's cancel that credit card," is my helpful suggestion.

"Excellent idea!"

Fucking marketing.

****************************

Since when did the criteria for pulling in front of someone in traffic change from 'You shouldn't cause them to have to slow down' to 'If there's any possible way that they can slam on their brakes to avoid hitting you, go ahead???'

I must have missed hearing about that new law.

****************************

The cookie is still outside my stomach. For now.

Attend to me!

2009-09-15T16:49:00.001-07:00

Today is my birthday.

I mention this for two reasons
1) so you can shower me with attention and,
2) so you can see what a geek i am when i tell you about the presents i got.

I got a wireless mouse for my laptop (the Wireless Mobile Mouse 6000, she's a real beauty,) and a gift certificate to get my car detailed! No perfume or clothes for this woman, no indeed.

Looking over the literature accompanying my shiny new black mouse i notice that (and i quote);

"Failure to properly set up, use, and care for this product can increase the risk of serious injury or death."

OMG! Death by mouse. It happens you know, just like spontaneous human combustion.

Apparently i should also not eat the battery. Good to know.

That is all.

Why?

2009-09-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

Do you know damaged people? I know damaged people.

I have a friend, a friend that most other people don't understand how i could be friends with, because she is so guarded, so odd, so....uninteresting.

I have recently found myself trying to explain why i like this "uninteresting" person. In thinking about it, replaying the conversations to think about what i should have said, i suddenly got it.

What i find, in this damaged person, really damaged, damaged in ways that i don't know and cannot truly understand, is the courage this person has, to go on and find a way to live a life, a full life, maybe not a full life in a way that i think a full life might be lived, but full for her.

That means courage to me. Not a courage easily recognized, but i see it. I just realized that i see it, and i respect the hell out of that.

Quietly, and with great respect for the distance that living this life requires, for her.

Look around. Do you see her?

A Frown and a Smile

2009-09-01T21:14:00.001-07:00

As a favor to The Mister, this morning i took his shirts to the dry cleaners. (Because i am a good wife. Not good enough to wash and iron his god damned shirts, but good enough to deliver them to someone else to be serviced.)

The Mister strips off his shirts and dumps them into a bag (on a good day, mostly they land on the floor,) and leaves them buttoned up and with the sleeves rolled up.

The dry cleaner man, a joyless human, does not like this. Maybe it's all those chemicals he works around that make him so grumpy. He pulled the shirts out of the bag, one at a time and glared at me whilst unbuttoning them and unrolling the sleeves. Slowly.

"Oops, sorry!" i said and grabbed one of the shirts out of the bag to help. Mr. Grumpy Pants snatched the shirt out of my hand and continued to grumble and glare.

Okay, i get it, i should have done this, but since this is only an occasional chore for me, i forgot. He could have said, pleasantly, something like, "If you could please unbutton the shirts and unroll the sleeves, it would be most helpful." But no, he just gave me the stink eye.

I react badly to this kind of disapproval. Fuck you Mr. Grumpy Pants, there are lots more dry cleaners in the sea!

******************************

And now for something completely different.....

THE LARCH!

Never mind, my Monty Python brain cell turned on for a moment.

Later in the day, while driving to my quilting group, i was stopped on the way by a shiny yellow school bus. As we all sat there waiting, two VERY TINY little girls, complete with brand new pink back packs almost as big as they, got on the bus, while mom, dad and baby sister all watched from the sidewalk.

As the last one hopped on, she stopped in the doorway and turned back around so that her dad could take a picture.

Ah, the first day of school.

For some reason it brought tears to my eyes. So tiny to be heading off all alone.

Not so long ago it was me watching from the sidewalk.

Em, before heading off to her first day of school.

Trip report

2009-08-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

Blueberries and huckleberries so ripe and sweet in the mountain sun that i could smell them as i hiked through the bushes. I had a blue tongue for most of the day.

Blue Grouse clicking and cooing in the bushes, allowing us the occasional thrill by crossing the path in front of us.

Sweat and rubber legs as our lungs struggled to cope with less oxygen.

Mount Baker from the Lake Ann trail. You feel as if you could almost reach out and touch it. Don't use your tongue though, it might stick.

Swirling patterns in the volcanic rock, enhanced by erosion and lichen.

Mountains have glaciers. The blue of the deepest ice crevasses looks painted on. We could hear pieces of the glacier breaking off and thundering down the mountain. We were glad to be observing this well away from the fall zone.

The terminus of the hike, and our lunching spot. Lake Ann with Mt. Shuksan in the back, looking all mountainy and volcanic.

Right after lunch, i decided to take the opportunity to pee in the bushes whilst no one else (except The Mister) was about.

So i head off the trail a little ways, drop trou and commence liquid evacuation. All goes well, as in i don't pee on my pant leg or into my boot (yes, i have done these things, it ain't easy being a girl sometimes,) but when i stand and pull my pants back up, i inadvertently trap a black fly inside.

I don't know who was more surprised, me, at having a small buzzing insect near my tender parts, or him, being confronted with a huge wall o' ass.

He's dead now, because in this case, might makes right.

Dream

2009-08-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

Night before last i woke myself up at 2:11 am just to stop the horrible dream i was having.

It involved slit throats and rape and blood and desperate fleeing and one person having complete power over another. I seem to not have been a participant in the dream, just an observer, as there were two main characters, neither of whom were me.

I lay awake for a few hours, trying to shake the dread i was feeling, trying to find something else to focus on. I did eventually go back to sleep, but the yukky feeling stayed with me through much of the day.

I am disturbed by me, wondering what kind of mind i would come up with this.........plot line.

I sorta hesitate to ask, but does this ever happened to you?

Things there not here

2009-08-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

Things in Ohio, not in Washington;

Fields of grasses...
Wonderful old barns...

Soybeans...
Road kill. (lucky for you, no picture)

Teasels... (i don't know if that's what this is, but that's what i want to call it.)

Corn... (okay, there is corn here, but there is LOTS of corn there.)

Tent caterpillars... (again, no picture because they creep me out.)

CRICKETS! I love that noise they make at night.

Em...

Way to go Ohio

2009-08-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning, Em and i are flying to Ohio. I am accompanying her to kick off the beginning of her sophomore year of college.

Did you hear that? Her sophomore year of college!

How the hell did that happen?

This year, in much contrast to last year, i am just staying long enough to get her stuff from storage and drive it to her dorm room. I am becoming obsolete, or i will be as soon as she is old enough to rent a car.

Since i am really just going as the wallet and the chauffeur, i am only taking one small purse-sized bag. I am not even going to take my laptop. I am a little anxious about leaving my precious behind, but i think i am far enough along in my rehab to take this momentous step. It's kind of refreshing to reduce my stuff down to the essentials, which, by the way, include my Kindle, my camera and my ipod. I have my priorities in order.

Mixed feelings about Em being gone again. I realize that i view these little trips off to college as temporary things, just something that has to be endured before she comes home where she belongs. Anyone else recognize the denial in that? Yeah.

But it will be quieter and neater around here. Not a very good trade off for her company, but hey, i'm looking for any good i can in this.

I will be leaving The Mister at home alone for the weekend. Wonder what will happen in my absence? Will the cat get fed? Will the dishwasher get run? Stay tuned....

Helpless

2009-08-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Back lit field of fire weed and tow-headed babies (also known as mouse on a stick.)

I have never lost anyone close to me. At my age, i think that's unusual. I am lucky. I wonder how i'll feel about it when i do.

Or maybe i'm not lucky, because i have lost two grandmothers, two grandfathers, two-step grandmothers, a step-grandfather, a father-in-law and an Uncle.

And i wasn't close to any of them. It's not that i didn't like most of them, the ones i knew, but i never felt any personal sense of loss when they died, just a vague "Oh, that's sad." Maybe i have a deficit of feelings.

One of the members of my quilting group had colon cancer last year. She is a really nice woman, the kind who never swears or has a bad thing to say about anyone, and i like her anyway. She went through treatment and slowly recovered. Last week she went back for some tests and learned she has liver cancer. That terrifies me, for her, for her family.

I have feelings about this, about her, but i don't know what to do with those feelings, the helplessness. Of course, this is not about my feelings, it's about her, supporting her in any way i can.

I just don't know what those ways are.

Adventures in Hiking

2009-08-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

It's been oppressively hot here lately, the kind of hot that has middle-aged women, myself included, wearing severely inappropriate outfits, and NO ONE frowns disapprovingly at us.

So i borrowed The Mister's car and took off to the mountains to go hiking with Kim.

We got up at the crack of 8:30, in time to eat the magnificent repast provided for us at the B&B where we stayed, then moseyed on out of the place at 10 am or so.

After stopping at the Ranger Station, we decided to tackle a hike that would require every fancy-assed gadget on The Mister's SUV in order to reach the trail head. High clearance, low gears and Hill Descent Control. WHEEEEEE!

As we were bumping along, about a mile below the trail head, we come across a white pickup, stuck in a ditch on the roadside, such that no one could get past in either direction.

And OH! GET THIS! The Stuck Truck is a FOREST SERVICE vehicle containing two mortified young ladies in their little forest service uniforms.

Kim and i get out, joining Grumpy Smoker Woman and Boring Man, who are blocked from above by Stuck Truck. (NOTE: Made up names reflect Kim's and my ability to stereotype people in an instant.)

Begin head scratching, requests for tow ropes and lots of 'helpful' advice. None of us has a tow rope. Boo!

A third vehicle stops, just below Kim and i, out comes The Silver Fox, and Bar Mitzvah Boy, with their little dog Shadow.

More head scratching.

Oblivious Dad, various small children, Crusty Grandpa

Two more vehicles pull up from below. Families pour out, complete with Wandering Grandpa, Frustrated Daughter-in-Law, Small Crying Children and Oblivious Dad.

The men and Kim cluster around the truck, giving advice, while the rest of us make stupid jokes and slap at the biting black flies.

I finally think to get my camera out. First intelligent thing i've done since stopping.

Attempts are made to rock Stuck Truck out of its rut. Gravel is fetched. Tree branches are laid down. Shovels are employed. All to no avail.

Wandering Grandpa wanders off and has to be pulled out of the road by Kim.

More cars pull up below. Groups issue from each car, including Crusty Grandpa and more small children. Some one has a chain, but no hooks. Oblivious Dad tries to TIE one end of the chain to Stuck Truck. I tuck a small child under each arm and move way far away as i know a tied chain will not hold and flying chains can be fatal.

Finally, maybe 45 minutes later, British Guy comes from below. Hallelujah! He has a towing cable!

Men take over, much fussing ensues.

British Guy, Silver Fox and Boring Man

I love men!

Cable is attached, in a complex scheme that somehow involves a toy carabiner from The Mister's key chain. I move further away.

Clear everyone out, she's gonna blow!

Frustrated Daughter-in-Law, Silver Fox, Bar Mitzvah Boy, British Guy, Wandering Grandpa and Mortified Ranger Girl.

Victory!

Frustrated Daughter-in-Law, Oblivious Dad, British Guy, Mortified Ranger Girl and Kim.

Wandering Grandpa's wife wonders where wandering Grandpa is.

It was a great shared experience. Since we were all heading the same way, we nodded and smiled at one another as we moved along with our day.

So, on with the hike. The flowers are in full bloom.
This flower is a Fringed Grass of Parnassus.

I'm using the wet bandanna under the hat trick. I don't look stupid do i?

Kim, rolling in the snow like a frisky husky dog. Did i mention it was hot?

It was all worth it.

Still

2009-07-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's hot enough here that i have retreated outside to a lawn chair in the shade. I know other places are hotter, but most people here do not have air conditioning, so 100 degrees F is pretty F-ing hot.

I don't spend much time sitting outside in our yard. I realize that this is sad because as i sit here, quietly reading, the wildlife that i normally miss because i am blundering around carrying a hose or a shovel, has forgotten i am here.

A bunny hopped right by me, about a foot from my chair. (Good thing my cat is too hot too move, as he likes bunnies.) Normally i squeal when i see a bunny, but this time i managed to just watch him hopple by, nipping at the grass as he went.

Off to my left, several birds are cooling off by splashing in the creek.

The douglas firs have a whole tiny forest growing on their trunks.

An opportunistic bit of grass and a baby maple tree are the first signs of a tree trunk reverting to soil.

In the lawn, an bright orange bug sits on a white mushroom.

WWMD?

2009-07-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

Went hiking last Friday with my friend. It was beastly hot that day. (Stop snickering, it was over 90 degrees F! So it was too hot.)

At the terminus of the hike, this is what we found:

Mmmmm. That water sure looks cool and refreshing.

We looked left:

We looked right:

No one in sight.

Hmmm. What to do, what to do?

I'm sure you would have made the same decision we did.

(As an aside, the most common way for google searchers to get to my blog is something like "family sk*nny dip" or "sk*nny dip blog" all because of a post i wrote over two years ago about a hot summer night at our house. Weird.)

An effective method for surviving teenagehood (hers, not mine)

2009-07-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

It was observed by a clever friend (also the parent of teenagers) that teenagers often add a silent "dumbass" to the end of their sentences. The "dumbass" is communicated by tone rather than the actual word, as they can deny tone.

Examples: (use your inner snotty teenager tone for the second sentence in each example.)

"Have you seen the cat?"
"No? Why would i? dumbass!"

"Do you have work today?"
"I already told you my schedule, dumbass!"

"I like that new song by Linkin Park. Can you tell me the name of it?"
"They have lots of new songs, dumbass!"

The Mister and i have taken to voicing the silent dumbass after many of Em's sentences. It makes us laugh, and occasionally makes her laugh too. But mostly it pisses her off.

I count that as a double win!

Do try this at home. It's lots of fun!