Pity, party of one

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 Grief is a lonely emotion.

Grief is burning out my insides and making room for something new to grow.


I feel like i have something to tell you, but i keep typing words and then deleting them as too pathetic.


I am lonesome.  I've never lived alone before.  I find i don't much like it. 


This process i am going through feels endless.  I am told that it will get better, but i don't know when.  And besides, how can anyone know if it will get better?

To be honest, i am better, some of the time.  Em was home for a month and left early yesterday morning and i am missing her.  So that's why i am blue.  But hey, the two of us are going to Hawaii in less than two months. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Bonding and waiting

.

My baby girl turned 21 a month ago.  It's been a time for bonding moments.  I bought her her first legal drink (it was a martini!), and today we had our first mother-daughter trip to the liquor store.

It was so beautiful.

*sniffle*

In other news:


I am waiting.  Waiting to feel a reduction in anxiety, waiting to feel free.  I realize it's a long process, but dammit all, i wish it would hurry.  So wanting to avoid writing the same old thing, i don't write at all.


I should be divorced by the end of January.  I just never saw myself as someone who would be divorced.  I know people who have has two and three (and sometimes more) spouses and i always felt (i hate to admit this, but i will) slightly superior.  And then fate came along to kick me right in my smug ass.

Peace to you all.

phone phool

Do you ever find yourself sounding like a dithering idiot on the phone?  I'm not an idiot, but man, today i sounded like one on the phone while trying to say "No, you can't come and be a volunteer here because we've got nothing for you to do." in a really nice, thank-you-for calling sort of way.

It's hard to say "No" in a positive way.  I guess i must think that the more words i use to say it, the nicer it will sound, thus the idiotic babbling.

Did you know that there's a support group for families of people who talk too much?  It's called On-and-on Anon.

Still Alive

Hi y'all.


I'm still alive.  I have one foot in hell and the other in purgatory, which counts as progress.


Still fighting anxiety and depression and loneliness and hurt feelings.  I think i'm winning though some days it's hard to tell.


Not divorced yet, but proceeding along that line.  So sad.  So, so sad.


Keeping very busy, that's my method for dealing with the feelings.  My therapist says i need to do more grieving and crying.  Perhaps. Perhaps.


What do i really have to tell you?  There's a long period of slowly moving onwards, slowly getting on with accepting the new normal.  My problem is that i just don't see how my loneliness will ever end.  Will anyone ever love me again?  Will i ever have another life partner?  I hope i do because i don't like being alone. The feeling that no one has my back makes me feel intensely vulnerable.  But what are the chances that a 54 year old woman will find true love?  Not high.


I really want to be able to look back over this time in my life and have it come out okay in the end.  I secretly want this story to have an uplifting ending.

A connection

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In my family, as kids, my brothers and i were encouraged to make fun of each other.  Ganging up on whomever was the current odd man out, whomever had done something stupid (as kids often do) or whomever was being ridiculous (as kids often are).

When it was me being ridiculed, i hated it, and it felt like there was no escape, no safe place to go and collect myself.  When it was not me, i participated gladly, thankful that it wasn't me.


The maddest i get as an adult is when i feel stupid.  That's when i lose my shit and start throwing things. 

At the time of this temper losing, i feel unable to stop, like i am under attack and have to defend myself.  My brain time travels back to that stupid-feeling child and becomes her again.


This is not an unimportant observation.

I want to have a tantrum

I hate to whine some more, but i'm going to do it anyway.


I don't want to do this anymore.  I am tired of being strong and making it through the day.  I want to lie on the floor and pound my fists and kick my feet and scream.  But of course, that will not change anything, other than to give me sore fists and feet and scare the cat.

I've lost my capacity for spending long periods of time alone.  It makes me anxious because it feels like maybe it will never end.  I wonder if i will get used to it eventually.  I hope so.  I find myself scrambling to find things to do with people.  It's not in my nature to call people up, but i am doing it.  I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

So instead of having a tantrum, i went hiking today with a friend.  We even went swimming in the mountain lake that was the hiking destination, much to the astonishment of our fellow hikers.

Now it is August

If i don't let anyone know how afraid i am, will that make it less true?


My start up friend, Cari, who i mentioned a few weeks ago when we went hiking, was diagnosed with cancer a few days after our hike. For the second time.  She has already started chemo and will be losing all her hair, again.  She's scared too.


Life moves on, without regard to our individual trials.


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I just assisted Em in moving into an apartment for her senior year of college.  Can you imagine?  Now i am in a cheap hotel room (there is no other kind in this tiny town) watching re-runs on TV while i wait to fly home tomorrow.  It's both lonely and kind of nice.  I won't see her again until Thanksgiving.