Wednesday, October 12, 2016

A Memory of Caring

Standing by the window on that snowy night,
The radio keeps me company, telling me of damaged cars all over the city.
I am looking for your car to appear, safely, in the street far below.
The snow makes fractal patterns in the dandelion circles of the street lights,
All must be well in my world before i can appreciate them.

My hands have a mind of their own, slowly tearing a paper cup to shreds.
Scarce pedestrians are bent at an angle as they tread carefully, fighting the wind.
When i see your car turn the corner onto our street, i go back and pick up a book 
So that when you come in, i can look up, as if surprised, and say "Oh, there you are. What a nasty night."

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Need to know

It has been a long time since i broke up with someone.  It has not been as long since i was broken up with.

A friend of mine just got dumped, really unexpectedly, by his boyfriend this past weekend.  He came over to my house right after because he didn't want to be alone.  This is cool, i am very glad that i was able to at least be there because i of all people know that there is really nothing i can do to help, other than be there and listen.

His new ex bf gave three reasons for wanting to "take a break".  As i was listening to the "reasons", i realized that they were all bullshit.  The truth is that ex didn't want to be with him anymore.  Period. And then he looked for some reasons, because we all expect reasons when we are dumped.

I think if i ever break up with someone again, i will give no reasons.  And if i am ever broken up with, i will refuse to hear any reasons.  Those reasons can resonate in a person's head forever, and they are often not the point, or the truth. And they are unkind and they hurt.  Why not skip the reasons and just simply say "I don't want to be with you anymore"?

Because that is the truth, bottom line.

Saturday, September 03, 2016

Writers gotta write

Things of note that happened in the past 2.5 years:

My brother died of cancer in May of 2014.  I have feelings about this because i always thought there would be time to correct whatever it was that made him not want to be around me.  I have another brother and if he died i would be devastated, but not regretful.  He loves me and i love him.  Now that  our brother has died, we say that to each other, although we both always knew it.

My parents are really fucking old.  My mom is losing her mind at 87, and my 90 year old dad is taking care of her.  He used to be 6'2", and is now closer to 5'9".  He's doing okay mentally, but is kinda frail.  I have always said "It's what you do when you have the power that shows who you are".  When my mother had the power over me, she was mean.  Now i have the power, because she wants me to like her.  I realized a few years ago that my thing that i say applies to me too.  So i will be kind and helpful to my mother, even if i don't like her.

I went online just over a year ago to find a boyfriend.  I met someone and we are hanging out, but there's not much out there and i won't do it again.  He refers to me as his girlfriend, but all he does is talk and talk.  There is no room for me.  He is kind and smart and funny, but i know why he has been divorced twice. It's okay for now, but i fear it will not end well. 

All my life, i have been preparing to be/been part of a couple.  Readjusting to the thought that i will be alone the rest of my life is ...... interesting.  I mean, i am not alone, i have 4 people on this earth, maybe 5, who love me and get me, but not being a couple is weird.  But, slowly, i will accept it.

I got a dog about 6 months ago.  I have wanted a dog for years, but i understand the time and commitment that having a dog takes.  She is so great. I didn't want a puppy, but i went to the Humane Society and there was her face.  I had no choice.

I still hate my ex.  I still think about him every day.  I hate to say that, but it is true, goddammit.  He is a shitty dad and barely sees his daughter.  This makes me both happy and sad.

There is probably some other stuff, but i weary of typing.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

I miss this.

My grandmother called you "The Pansies".  I giggled at the image of a man as a pansy, visualizing a head bobbing on a thin stem, surrounded by purple petals.

My giggles encouraged her to continue her act by flapping her wrists loosely in the air, making me laugh harder.  I knew that my grandmother was being naughty, as she was given to being, when she wasn't drunk and mean.  I was grateful to have the silly and conspiratorial grandmother right then.

I didn't know what a "pansy" was, other than a man who was girly.  As a girl, i understood that being girly was something weak and foolish, something my grandmother was not.

She was most decidedly not girly, this woman who could shoot and hunt and drink and fight and cuss.  In her presence, i shoved down the very little girly parts that were in me, knowing they were weak.

Thursday, October 24, 2013


I know there are very few of you still out there, but i still feel the need to say goodbye.  This is not a safe place for me anymore.  My daughter found me here, by googling the names of my cats, and although i doubt she is interested enough to check in, she might.  I have things to say that i don't want her knowing.

Plus i foolishly gave the address to a few real life friends, one of whom keeps asking me if my therapist considers it "normal" for me to be taking this long to "get over it."

I don't know where i will go, but i need to be able to write without censoring myself.  

Except for the occasional troll, i have treasured each of your comments.  You have no idea what this blog has meant to me.

Okay, maybe you do.

Peace, courage, love and safe travels.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Is this a poem?

I won't compete for attention.  Not for very long anyway.

You ask me a question, and then, when i start to answer, you interrupt me and talk about yourself.

Okay, i get it.  You didn't really want to know what i had to say, you just wanted to talk some more about yourself.  


But i won't beg, and i won't return to my point after you interrupt, unless you insist.  Which you rarely do.  

I will withdraw.  My silence is my defense.

And you notice my silence, subconsciously.  It makes you talk more.  I wonder, is silence an anathema to you?  

I kind of like silence.  It would leave me space to love you.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Same Old Shit

I cried today, in the grocery store, and then in the car on the way home.  It's been a while since i cried, but apparently i am not done grieving.

I had a random memory:

The time he came home after going out "for a drive" and rushed back to his closet to change his shirt before he greeted me.  When i asked WTF? he told me that he had smoked a cigarette and didn't want me to know.  He was trying to quit smoking at the time, so i bought it.  I bought it.  I believed him.

As we now know, this was a lie.

And in remembering it, i was infused with rage.  How could he look me in the eye and tell me that bullshit?  How DARE he?  I want to go back in time and crush his skull with my bare hands.  (If you think i am exaggerating, you are wrong.) This overwhelming feeling of helpless rage is awful.  What do i do with this rage?  How will i ever get rid of it?  I do not know.

And so i cried.