Sunday, August 28, 2016

I miss this.

My grandmother called you "The Pansies".  I giggled at the image of a man as a pansy, visualizing a head bobbing on a thin stem, surrounded by purple petals.

My giggles encouraged her to continue her act by flapping her wrists loosely in the air, making me laugh harder.  I knew that my grandmother was being naughty, as she was given to being, when she wasn't drunk and mean.  I was grateful to have the silly and conspiratorial grandmother right then.


I didn't know what a "pansy" was, other than a man who was girly.  As a girl, i understood that being girly was something weak and foolish, something my grandmother was not.

She was most decidedly not girly, this woman who could shoot and hunt and drink and fight and cuss.  In her presence, i shoved down the very little girly parts that were in me, knowing they were weak.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Goodbye.


I know there are very few of you still out there, but i still feel the need to say goodbye.  This is not a safe place for me anymore.  My daughter found me here, by googling the names of my cats, and although i doubt she is interested enough to check in, she might.  I have things to say that i don't want her knowing.

Plus i foolishly gave the address to a few real life friends, one of whom keeps asking me if my therapist considers it "normal" for me to be taking this long to "get over it."

I don't know where i will go, but i need to be able to write without censoring myself.  

Except for the occasional troll, i have treasured each of your comments.  You have no idea what this blog has meant to me.

Okay, maybe you do.

Peace, courage, love and safe travels.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Is this a poem?



I won't compete for attention.  Not for very long anyway.

You ask me a question, and then, when i start to answer, you interrupt me and talk about yourself.

Okay, i get it.  You didn't really want to know what i had to say, you just wanted to talk some more about yourself.  

Okay.  

But i won't beg, and i won't return to my point after you interrupt, unless you insist.  Which you rarely do.  

I will withdraw.  My silence is my defense.

And you notice my silence, subconsciously.  It makes you talk more.  I wonder, is silence an anathema to you?  

I kind of like silence.  It would leave me space to love you.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Same Old Shit

I cried today, in the grocery store, and then in the car on the way home.  It's been a while since i cried, but apparently i am not done grieving.

I had a random memory:

The time he came home after going out "for a drive" and rushed back to his closet to change his shirt before he greeted me.  When i asked WTF? he told me that he had smoked a cigarette and didn't want me to know.  He was trying to quit smoking at the time, so i bought it.  I bought it.  I believed him.

As we now know, this was a lie.

And in remembering it, i was infused with rage.  How could he look me in the eye and tell me that bullshit?  How DARE he?  I want to go back in time and crush his skull with my bare hands.  (If you think i am exaggerating, you are wrong.) This overwhelming feeling of helpless rage is awful.  What do i do with this rage?  How will i ever get rid of it?  I do not know.

And so i cried.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

me me me me me me me ME

It's my business.  And it's my writing, as pathetic/inspiring/cliche/mundane/honest/trite as it may seem.  I did it.  I own it.  If it's trite, like you said in your e-mail, that's okay.  I own it.  I am trite.  I have no illusions that i am unique.  BTW, neither are you.

Monday, July 15, 2013

On My Own

Life is continual change, at least in my case.  I once thought it was static, but i was wrong.

Learning to live with another person in the house, one who sweetly asks my permission to 1) go to dinner with her dad, 2) Spend the night at a friend's house.

Of course, she being 22 (WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN????) does not need to ask my "permission". It is just a sweet way of letting me know what she is doing.

I think less and less of him, but still too much.  I mean, i think very little of him, but i think of him too often.  Heh.

Today's pleasures:

Farm fresh eggs, with chicken shit still on them.
Dogs, i loves them
Hugs
Mojito
Manhattan
Dinner with Em
Sun
A spectacular hike this weekend to look forward to.
A late rising
Reading
Doing it for myself
Friends

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I'm okay, You're okay.

I feel a little bit like i should explain.  

This is my venting place, where i can express things that are better left unsaid in the real world.  I am not bitter and unhappy all the time.  In fact, much of the time i am okay.  Sometimes i am even happy.  And sometimes i get mad and have ugly emotions. That's when you are likely to hear from me, which gives a skewed view of my life and mind.

It's just taking some time for me to adjust to....everything.  Being single after 35 years of couplehood is difficult, and interesting, and crushing and freeing.  I feel no need to rush in to another relationship.  Perhaps i'll never have another one, perhaps i will.  Truthfully, i hope i do.  But it is hard for me to imagine a man that will like me that i will like back.  But stranger things have happened.  I know how it's done these days, online.  I'm just not ready to go there. Yet.

Deb asked me what made me happy today.  Here's a list:


  • I have a job, three days a week.  Not for the money (although money is nice), but for a reason to get out of bed and be somewhere.  I like my job.  I feel valued and helpful and it's interesting and flexible.
  • Tonight's sunset is truly amazing.
  • Em is here, living with me.  She makes me laugh. Out loud.
  • My cat is old, but healthy. 
  • Some nights dinner is cereal, or crackers and cheese and apples.  And no one cares.
  • Some nights dinner is cookies.
  • I have some really wonderful and diverse friends. I want to expand on this because friends are the best.  Never forget that.
  • Pharmaceuticals.
  • Marijuana is legal in Washington.
  • Sleep.
  • Summer.
  • Real farm fresh eggs.
  • Basil.
  • I got 4 hugs today.
  • Tapering off pharmaceuticals.
  • The internet.
  • Did i mention friends?
  • A sign at a gas station today that read "YOUR ON VIDEO"  So clueless.