Sunday, August 28, 2011

I want to have a tantrum

I hate to whine some more, but i'm going to do it anyway.


I don't want to do this anymore.  I am tired of being strong and making it through the day.  I want to lie on the floor and pound my fists and kick my feet and scream.  But of course, that will not change anything, other than to give me sore fists and feet and scare the cat.

I've lost my capacity for spending long periods of time alone.  It makes me anxious because it feels like maybe it will never end.  I wonder if i will get used to it eventually.  I hope so.  I find myself scrambling to find things to do with people.  It's not in my nature to call people up, but i am doing it.  I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

So instead of having a tantrum, i went hiking today with a friend.  We even went swimming in the mountain lake that was the hiking destination, much to the astonishment of our fellow hikers.

15 comments:

myowntimemachine said...

I know that anger. I know that "will this ever end" feeling (and the nagging fear that it won't). So very proud of you for reaching out to people. And cheers to them for being there when you need them.

Wish I had magic words for you. But it does seem to take forever.

tysdaddy said...

I usually just eat ice cream . . . which really doesn't work so well. ;-)

Bob said...

what's the matter with having your tantrum? Have a good kicking, screaming, fist-pounding tantrum and get it out of your system.

I would recommend, though, that instead of waiting until you NEED company to find someone to do something with, that you make plans ahead so that you have things to look forward to doing.

I think its fantastic that you went swimming at the lake. I bet it was SOOOOO refreshing.

lu said...

I used to wail and collapse when I was alone. I can't say it helped, but I don't think in those moments I had much control. It is honest to let loose.

Keep reaching out,keep hiking, keep jumping in lakes.

mischief said...

Maybe your nature is changing. Maybe when you get to know this new version of you, you will like her. I do.

nick said...

It's natural enough to have difficulty being on your own when you're so used to being with someone else. I'm sure I'd feel the same if Jenny wasn't around any more. It's also natural enough to call your friends for some company. Why not? And perhaps we all need a room somewhere we can wail and scream in when it's necessary.

jaded said...

You could always drop water balloons from the terrace in an attempt to meet more neighbors...but you are probably more mature than I am.

It becomes easy to lose pieces of ourselves in long term relationships..and not know what to do with them when we rediscover them.

JelliDonut said...

Were you skinny dipping in the lake? Now THAT would be awesome! I've always wanted to do that but never had the chance (or the guts.)

Taradharma said...

tantrums are good and cleansing and not to be feared. as long as you are having them as a PART of your experience, and balancing them with, yes, calling friends and jumping into lakes.

How about planned movie-potluck nights with a couple of friends? I think it's great that you are reaching out and filling the spaces with people who give you joy. Keep it up.

Lilith said...

Go ahead and have a tantrum. Break some dishes. Then put your big girl panties on and deal with it. (I say that with love and because I know).

I'm starting to like my alone life. It takes time woman. Breathe.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm usually not one to call people either, although I'm happy to be called. I am trying to learn to live without Flip and despite the different circumstances, the effect is similar. I would like to have what used to be called a nervous breakdown, if I knew how. Hiking is a lot more productive, and I'm proud of you!

De said...

Maybe you and I can arrange a Freaky Friday situation? I'll stay by myself in the city condo above the unlocked liquor cage and you can deal with the horny husband and the unending neediness of children under ten.

You'll have to host book club at our house on your birthday, but they're a decent group and we read Half-broke Horses.

Nancy Dancehall said...

I think tantrums are wonderful things. But hiking and swimming with friends is even better (I understand you and Schmoop had a 'beautiful view' on one of those hikes...)

I'm thinking about you every day.

flutter said...

you are allowed to have these days, these weeks, these moments. You are allowed to feel like shit one moment and like a rock star the next. You are allowed your process.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hey, Meno, what's going on? How are you doing?

Sending hugs and cheers to you.