Monday, May 19, 2008

Peeved

I got this idea from Gina at My Very Last Nerve.

*********
Dear Ford F350 driver,

Was it really worth the half gallon of gas your car guzzled for you to jam on your car's gas pedal so you could pass me and get one car ahead? That's $2 worth of gas right there, dude. And how many times a day do you do it?

It's not just how far you drive, but how you drive.

Love,

26-miles-per-gallon-in-the-city driver

*********

Dear husband,

I hate it when you brag. It makes you look small and petty in front of other people. Just calm down and listen. You have nothing to prove.

love,

your wife

*********

Dear crazy mail lady,

Just hand me the mail. I do not want to gossip with you about the neighbor's remodel, or the past occurrences in the neighborhood. I am not interested.

Love,

mail customer

******

Dear neighbor,

That huge lawn you planted a few years ago takes most of your weekend to mow and weed eat. I hope it was worth it. I'm glad you like yardwork so much.

I am grateful that the geese like your yard better than mine, and you now have to plow through piles of goose poop when you mow instead of me.

Also, it makes me sick when the Chem Lawn people arrive in their big truck and spray chemicals all over your huge lawn. Do you think about how some of that fertilizer ends up in the lake?

love,

Your greener-than-thou neighbor

*********

Dear friend,

When you use your daughter as a way to present your ideas to me, i am not fooled. I know who's opinions they really are.

love,

parenthood-is-not-a-competition


*********

Who would you write a letter to?

39 comments:

jen said...

Dear Meno,

When you write this way it makes me want to take you out for a bottle of wine.

Love,
Jen

meno said...

Dear jen,

How i would enjoy a bottle of wine with you.

Love,
meno

Maggie said...

I love the snark. But, it's justified snark, which makes all the difference.

QT said...

I especially love the last one. I am somewhat snark-free at this early hour so I will abstain. However, definitely count me in on the wine drinking! I'll bring another bottle.

Jennifer said...

Too funny.

I'd write a letter to the GenY-er in my office who is in such a rush of entitlement. And to the guy at the grocery store who thinks eye contact is taboo. And to the idiots on the interstate who wait until the very last second to merge, no matter how much traffic they hold up in the process.

Too many letters, too little time.

Irrelephant said...

Dear meno,

No matter how much you bitch I still keep coming back because you're awfully good at saying what I'm not so good at saying. Plus, you do it in such a delicious way, so as to make me smile very big all the time.

Yours,
Irrelephant

Gina said...

Dear Meno,
I believe I met the Ford 350 driver on my way to work this morning. Except he was driving a Chevy.
Love, Gina

Franki said...

Thanks to Bob of Greens'n Cornbread, myslef!!

Franki said...

myself too.

tt said...

I'd do the same as you did. Plus one to the local grocery store clerks and the biggest one to myself I think. ;)

meno said...

maggie, you are nice to say it's justified. Me, i'm just annoyed.

qt, bring it on!

jennifer, i know what you mean. The jerk at the grocery store who talks on his cell phone all through the check-out line. The dude SMOKING at the gas station, and on and on.

dear irrelephant,

i am glad that my bitching causes you to smile very big. Smiling is good.

love,
meno


dear gina,

i hope he gets 2 tickets today, AND has to fill up that car. Thanks for the inspiration.

love,
meno

franki, yes, but what did your letter say????

tt, what would you tell yourself?

Dick said...

Since we live in a small town we have quite a few 4-way stop type intersections. It is a bit frustrating how many people there are who don't know how to proceed through them. Some seem to just want to sit there until all the other vehicles have cleared out and that delays all, even if you are not behind them.

fiwa said...

Man, that's a great way to let out some pent up feelings. I may be a copy-cat and do a few too.

TTQ said...

Dear me and all of you who share this space in my head with my other personas. Can't we all just fucking get along. Really. If not I will have to find alternative actions to take,like voodoo or spinning my head around in circles while spewing green stuff.

Love,
Me and me,and me,and me, oh yea mustn't forget little old me and me too.

Brad said...

What a great Meme - I'm gonna have to ponder this one. But I'll sure use it - Thanks Love

liv said...

i am guessing you were out of the country when i did this...

bitch.

Schmoopie said...

Dear Preschool Parent,

Quit bringing your child to school with head lice. I am tired of wearing my hair in a "bun of steel" and worrying that I will contract them.

Your Child's pissed-off Teacher


Thanks for letting me vent here Meno!

flutter said...

dear Boy,

I adore you, but if you fart on me in your sleep one more time, i am going to rip your nads off and glue them to your forehead.

love you baby,
flutter

ms chica said...

Dear Flutter,

Good luck with that. If things don't work out, try a wine cork and super glue.

Been There, Choked on That

*****

Dear Unsolicited Marketing Caller,

Click.

Signed stop wasting my time, bitch!


*****

Dear beloved Gray House Cat,

When you bring a love offering like a rubber lizard or cockroach to my pillow at 2AM, don't announce it with furtive cries. Tell me about it in the morning when I trip over your gray ass on my way to the coffee pot.

love,
ms chica

Dianne said...

This is a great idea.

Similar to the rants I sometimes do in my journal just so I can center myself.

I'm going to think about this one.

TTQ said...

Dear Meno,

You have created a monster. People everywhere are now penning hate mail. it's like being "emo" for grown-ups.

I'm loving every minute of it, except for the part where Honey sent me packing after I read him his dear Honey letter.

Oh well, can't win them all.

Love,
TTQ

crazymumma said...

Dear In Laws.

I have alought to say, please take a seat.

Anonymous said...

Dear Fellow Motorists who park on the kerb of the busy main road, it would be so much easier for me in the same lane, if you went to the tiniest bit more effort and parked around the corner in thevacant side street.So much easier.To my family, as much as I love you, please announce you are taking the last of the cordial/fruit/chocolate/bacon/or one remaining egg that I needed for cooking, or a much anticipated breakfast.At the very least replace(how hard can it be to replace) the toilet roll, so this long-suffering mother/shopper does not have to roll her eyes heavenward where they will get stuck if the wind changes.Signed 'Don't Mind Me'.(Pam, Australia).

Sienna said...

Heh! The above post comment is from Pam, Australia! (Not me...)

I am a Pam from Australia too, well Sienna for the red dirt/earth where I live because I couldn't get my Pam name thing... taken already in blogger.

I am usually a placid Pam...occasionally something crosses my radar and really upsets me... bigotry, bullying, children/human rights abuse...and stuff like that and I cannot contain myself. Something kinda switches..

My last letter was a beauty, the guy that was on the other end of it was acting like a real arsehole (except arseholes are handy)...and he copped it. Both barrels.

I would do it again in an instant too, as placid as I am there are somethings that are a no go zone...ya know.

Pam

Mona Buonanotte said...

I love this post! Whatever you call it...snark...righteous indignation...snide cynical bitching...it always gets me tingling!

You should do this every week. I'm sure it would be emotionally cleansing.

LazyLazyMe said...

Dear Meno,

Gosh, what a lot of pictures of Japan. How amusing you find them. I think I have the general idea now thanks.

Also, he who dies with the most lawn wins.

Hugs and kisses

Lazy

Say It said...

I love this letter post. You express yourself well. As for who I'd write too? Too many to count or name.

egan said...

Dear Meno,

I was kind of bad and used fertilizer this weekend. I think the birdies thought I was feeding them which I wasn't. I will not let it happen again. We don't share mailcarriers for sure. Mine loves his iPod too much.

meno said...

disck, as opposed to here, where the right of way goes to the person with the oldest car. :)

fiwa, it is fun!

ttq, hello to all of you guys.

brad, i look forward to it.

liv, whoa! sorry.

schmoopie, lice? Even reading that makes me itch. *shuddder*

flutter, two can play that game!

ms. chica, caller ID. I highly recommend it.

dianne, ranting is my idea of fun.

ttq, some things are better left unsaid, hence the nastygram.

crazymumma, oh is there enough time in the world for that letter?

pam, good luck with getting them to replace the TP. If you figure out how, let me know.

pam also, wow, two people named Pam in Australia, What are the odds? Good for you for actually sending a letter.

mona, every week? I was thinking daily.

lazy, What, is your dog hiding from so you can't find him to kick?

say it, i had lots more, but i didn't want to bitch myself out in one day. Pacing you know.

egan, if it was a "natural" fertilizer i think it's okay. But just the name "Chem Lawn" makes me think otherwise.

ETK said...

Dear meno,

I LOVE you!!!!

love,
ETK

Princess in Galoshes said...

These were fun to read. Mine'd go to my phone company.

Dear company that rhymes with Pomcast:
You are all f*cking morons and I cannot believe that you get paid to f*ck up my bill EVERY MONTH FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS.
Love,
Princess-Will-Switch-As-Soon-As-There's-Another-High-Speed-Option-in-the-Area

Vanessa said...

I love these! I can relate to almost every one of them, especially the neighbor with huge yard.

I would write a letter to the neighbors next door that bring there dog to my front yard every morning to poop then pretend to only speak Mandarin when I ask them to clean it up.

Lynn said...

Dear Self-Absorbed Parents waiting in their cars to pick their children up from school,

Please get off your cell phones and pull your damn car forward in the line, instead of leaving 4 car lengths between you and the car in front of you.

Signed,
A parent at the end of a very long (but spacious) line.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Dear Parent Who Does Her Kid's Homework for Him and Then Gets Pissed When She Doesn't LIke the Grade:

Quit trying to pretend you "helped" Junior write his book report. I work with him every day, and I know iliteracy from 4th grade grammar and punctuation. You are not doing him any favors.....

Great post.

Anonymous said...

Dear Husband,

Drunk is not an excuse anymore. Grow up.


Signed,

That 'little bitch' you married

meno said...

etk, why, thank you!

princess, yeah, i know that company. I pay them more and more money every month for cable TV, and we hardly ever watch it.

vanessa, maybe you should get a shovel and fling the shit into their yard. Maybe they speak that language.

lynn, just face it, they are MORE IMPORTANT than you are. Just ask them, they'll tell you.

mrs. 4444, it's hard to believe they think you can't tell.

anon, that's sad. I hope he listens. But alcohol can be very compelling. :(

AC said...

Can't match the aboves...gotta think a while.

Dear Mom,

could you just.....oh, never mind.

signed, wondering-what-kind-of-karmic-debt-I've-rung-up-to-have-this-go-on-so-long.


Dear Lay-off Decider,

Why did you hire all these people when you knew you were going under? Why did you hire someone just two weeks ago and have my darling daughter train her when you knew you were going under? Why did you lay off my darling daughter 4 days from her exit insurance and vacation accrual pay benefits kicking in? Why don't you....oh, never mind.

Signed, mother of crying and freaked daughter who is calling me every hour it seems

mamatulip said...

Dear Giant Puffy, Fluffy Cat of Mine:

Stop crapping on the basement floor. Also? Stop waking us up at 3am to TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

Love,

The Hand That Feeds You (And Cleans Up Your Poop)

Mrs4444 said...

It's taken me a few days, but I finally figured it out; YOU are the one who gave me this idea this week! Thanks; I loved writing my letters :)