Friday, May 23, 2008

We've been through worse

We are not taking very good care of each other right now. Tempers are short, irritation is high.

**The Mister is in negotiations for a "bigger job." You know, to take up more of his time and energy and health. (Bitter much?) Update: Last night he found out he got the job. Now he's even more anxious.


**We are thinking about moving, which involves selling a house, buying another and getting rid of years of crap. I quail to think of it.

**Em will be taking off in August for college.

**The last few weeks of high school are filled with activities, many of which require my time and attention.

In the past, after a while, (click
here for back story) i have pitched a hissy fit and dragged his ass back to reality, back to the family i mean.

I wonder if i'm willing to do it again.

I don't know. I'm a pretty solitary creature. I have some friends, i do some social stuff, i have lots of time alone. If i want sex, i know where to turn (to my left.)


Maybe it's because i don't feel as if there is as much family to protect.

i dunno. Maybe it's just part of the sine wave of a marriage. Maybe i'll just let the wind fill this marriage. Maybe i am out of energy.

Maybe.

46 comments:

Maggie said...

I'm not sure what to say except could your husband commute from Quebec? Pleeeaaase?

I've been thinking about the whole marriage and getting the husband involved thing. Sometimes things are so in sync and other times, it's like pulling teeth to get in step and get some attention on family in more ways than just laying around the house together you know?

Maybe there is extra tension stirring underneath everything because of the big life change on the horizon (empty nest)?

<3

furiousBall said...

you know what, all that tension means? you love each other and want to do right. you're both human.

you're ok.

Princess in Galoshes said...

Wish we could go for coffee. Or drinks. Maybe liquored up coffee drinks?

My husbands out of town for the 4th weekend in a row. (Of course, one of those weekends was on a honeymoon with me, so that doesn't count.) But I miss him. He has only been home for dinner a handful of nights in that time, too.

And I wish his demanding job, sports teams, and friends didn't monopolize so much of his time. Blegh.

But right now I have the energy to fight for it. He just called to say he made it to the east coast safely, and I informed him he's taking me out to a nice dinner when he comes home, because we need some time to talk, just the two of us.

Hope you get some time to reconnect soon, too. I'm sorry it's rough right now.

Mrs. Chili said...

Wow. This feels huge to me - I'll be vibing for your highest and best outcome...

Daisy said...

I saw "Little Miss Sunshine" with a male friend (well, there's a story there too..) and afterward he said "why were all the men so fucked up" -- and I suggested that perhaps one of the messages was that too often men define themselves by what they "do" -- and that wasn't working for any of the men in the film anymore. (And I guess maybe the beauty pageant was a warning to women who define themselves by how they look?)

From my empty little house I look around me and marvel that men and women ever manage to get together and stay together.

qt said...

oh meno....sometimes it just has to be like this, doesn't it? you'll find your way, I know you will. I think a HUGE part of it is that Em will be gone. Protecting & nurturing her will always be #1, but without her under your roof....

womaninawindow said...

This is sad. Give him a shove. Real hard like, in the shoulder. It might not wake him up but it might just feel good...

fiwa said...

I like womaninawindow's comment.

Ennui. I am feeling it too, but mine is over friendships. Everybody seems too busy to make the time right now, and it's making me blue.

Yours sounds like it is because there are some changes coming your way with the Mister's new job, Em's going off to college, the possible move.

I hope the feeling passes over quickly and the Mister takes a minute to mull over how lucky he is to have you.

flutter said...

want I should come and kick some ass?

Sally Forth said...

Changes are always energy draining when you have time to think about them. Then you get so caught up in the doing that you don't have time to think. The changes headed your way are doubly so because they represent a major shift in the focus of your life. Take a deep breath, your family loves you.

Sober Briquette said...

I think it's OK to let the wind blow...for a bit. These are some big changes, but you don't know exactly what will come of any of it just yet.

If you're really pissed about the new job, you should definitely talk to him about the changes you are apprehensive about.

ms chica said...

It's possible, he thinks he is taking care of his family by pursuing a better job. In the rush to define our "selves", we can forget "being there" is as important as financial stability.

Most men I know, see taking care of their careers as the same as taking care of their family. If the career is well managed the family reaps the residual benefits of food on the table, security, etc. They tend not to be active nurturers the way women are. Women are intuitive and sensitive. We often react before being told. Men don't look for signs, and they like that women are intuitive. Many men don't like to suffer the indignity of asking for things (emotional or otherwise) they need. It's too humbling.

I'm not so presumptuous as to assume this applies to your situation, just thoughts to consider.

Marshamlow said...

I have similar issues with my husband all the time. I know where you are at. I sometimes get to a place where I don't want to do it anymore. It is hard and frustrating. What works for me is to just lay my cards on the table, to be vulnerable and try to explain what I need from him specifically in a way he can somewhat understand me. Yes, I hate that I have to do that. If I don't do it I feel resentful, when I do it I feel guilty and weak. I am sending hugs. I really think that you are much more important to your husband than this job take up his time as much as you need, I know that he wants to give you his time, your no ones inconvenience.

Em said...

Sounds like a very tough time at the moment. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive energy and good wishes your way.

Bob said...

damn.

that's a lot. does the moving relate to the job change? i.e. can it be put off while these other changes occur?

man.

I'm sorry.

Mignon said...

Hm. Sounds tough. I hope you don't have to move. I imagine your spot on the water is beautiful. My family moved the week before I went to college freshman year, and I always returned to the new home a little reluctantly, to my bare, foreign room. Sorry - that probably doesn't help.

SUEB0B said...

Go over and read Kevin Charnas: http://www.kevincharnas.com/2008/05/therapy-and-mexican-food.html

At least it will make you laugh.

Robin said...

so many changes, so many things going on can leave us overwhelmed to the point where we just don't feel like fighting or trying. i know.

i think if you weren't so overwhelmed by all of it, you probably would've already put your foot down, very firmly and told the mister "THIS is NOT what we need right now."

you'll find your balance soon..maybe you just need some "quiet" time after so much going on.

in any case, sending good thoughts your way!!

ETK said...

I have the same thoughts and wonders. Does it feel any better to know that you aren't the only one? Sometimes. Not really, I'm sure.

Well, I am thinking of you. Wish I could do more.

jen said...

oh meno. i love you.

meno said...

maggie, i'll check into the Quebec thing. :) And yeah, i know. I am sure that all the stuff going on is a factor.

furious, oddly enough, i teared up a little at your comment. Thank you.

princess, drinks it is, not so much on the coffee. Real life is hard on a marriage sometimes. I think i'm just tired.

mrs. chili, it's not HUGE, i mean, we've made it for 26 years. But dammit, i want someone else to do the fighting for a change.

daisy, i loved that movie! It actually is a marvel that any of us stay together. Men and women, women and women, men and men.

qt, yes, sometimes it does have to be this way. But it's kind of lonely.

womaninawindow, if i can muster the energy, i will give him that shove.

fiwa, people can be disappointing. I know i can be too. Thank you for saying he's lucky to have me. :)

flutter, just the offer is great. I can kick the ass on my own though.

sally, i think i think too much. Using energy better spent on action. Thanks for the thoughts.

de, it is okay. I'm not really going anywhere and neither is he. I have talked to him everytime he has gotten a bigger job. It's just hot air i think.

ms. chica, oh yes, you can be assured that his view of this qould be RADICALLY different. But really, how much $ does a person need?

marsha, thanks for that. i'll probably do that, when i get the energy. What a cool thing to say, about being no one's inconvenience.

em, yeah it is tough, but we've been through way worse.

bob, no the moving doesn't relate. It would be, in the long run, a simplification of lifestyle, but in the short run...

mignon, i think Em will feel that way. The house that she has known will be gone, and in it's place, her parent's house will appear.

suebob, hell to the yes. Laughing is always good. Thanks.

robin, i appreciate the thoughts. It may not be what we need, but he needs it. We and he are not always the same. We'll adjust. In a while.

etk, it does help, of course it does. Thanks for the thoughts. :)

jen, you know how us old married ladies are. Thank you for the love. It's appreciated.

liv said...

you know, you're a good woman.

(that statement stands on its own)

and look at all these watershed moments that are looking at you like bullet points in a dumbass corporate memo-- it would be right to feel all the things you're feeling.

what am i saying? well, i guess that you've listened to me cry over someone, and that i happily offer up my shoulder or whatever body part sounds good to you, big sis.

xoxo

pat said...

Actually, a new start might just be a good thing right now. With your child going off, it might just give you some extra focus and keep you busy enough to adjust to that.....and maybe a fresh start for the 2 of you...Whatever happens, at least we know you will tell a good story about it!!!

Deb said...

Life changes, always. My children are grown, pretty much, only one left but she's an adult now, at only 17, something she finds as strange as I do.

I look at my marriage, my life, my role and I don't know who I am or what I want to do. For so many years I've been a mother and then a wife, and now, now what?

It's scary but I think it's what happens to us in middle age, there is a seismic shift going on in my life and I feel like I'm just hanging on, unsure of where it's all going to end up.

I'm not good with change and middle age, that time in my life when I had finally gotten good at organizing and dealing with all the responsibilities of being a mother and wife, middle age I find is not about sameness, but all about change. A second puberty, if you will. Fuck!

I know you feel and yes, I am verbose this morning, comes from not having written much for the past two weeks:)

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

I can relate somewhat, as Mr.4444 lost his job yesterday. (We're not freaking out, though, because he's already being pursued by a few companies.) I'm pretty sure a new job would allow us to stay here (he normally works out of our home), but you never know...

If you don't want to rant, why not write a few sweet notes to leave in random places for your hubby to find...something like, "Thank you for ???" or just validating what you love about him. Keep them positive and short. but "I miss us. Wanna do lunch?" would be okay, too.

The empty nest thing cannot be underestimated. I know I will be a mess when my time comes....

Cheesy said...

I send you HUGE hugs! After the last of my 5 left I was a lost soul... had to realy stop and ask myself "what's my job now?" Of course I had my day job but at night... I had to come to grips with ME.. god those were scarey times. But remember the you before all the husband and children times. Embrace her! I'm pretty sure some of these feelings on your marriage are mixed into this batch of life changes....hold on tight to your feelings and SHARE them with him. Guys like to know what's expected of them~ spelled out. That's all the advice I have but know we are thinking of ya sweetie.. oh and.. will the move be local?? Or a little to the south?? heheh I hear Oregon is nice this time of year! :o)

caro said...

Well Meno if you make your way to Qu├ębec city, I want to be on the fun.

I can totally relate as it's always been like that in my relationship with my husband. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am so tired of keeping the ship afloat, I could scream. Is it like that in all partnerships? Are we demonstrating maturity or sheer bullheadedness in behaving this way? Man oh man...

Nancy Dancehall said...

I know, I know. *hugs* from a little sister.

crazymumma said...

Oh yeah. I know. I have been there...hmmm. it seems every two weeks or so.

lu said...

Marriage is a hard series of compromises and building briges. I think as long as there is some level of give and take, there is hope.

Divorce is a hard series of all alone with no compromise and a brige a-fire.

tt said...

Ya know, sometimes there are just too many things changing at one time.
Just remember to breathe sister....just breathe...

peevish said...

Aren't you glad you have a blog where you can vent this stuff?

I hope things even out soon.
xo

Vanessa said...

I hope things work out soon and for your highest and best good. Sometimes we just need someone else to fight a for the relationship, almost as a way of saying we are worth it to them. Good luck.

hockamama said...

isn't it funny ~not funny haha, more funny ironic~ that when old(er) people tell us that marriage is alot of work, we just don't believe them..but we LOVE each other, how in the world can that be anything but fun and good times?

reckon maybe he's used to you pulling him back to reality, so he knows he doesn't really need to make the effort? looks like alot of times the not-strong partner doesn't really know how to support the strong partner when they're not feeling so strong...

if y'all move, will it be in the same vicinity you're in now, or will you move AWAY away?

p.s. I'm sending you hugs ;)

Say It said...

Ugh. Let that wind blow, see where it takes you. Your daughter sounds like she needs your energies anyway right now.

Sienna said...

But what do you wanna do Meno?

I mean all this going on, what would you like, what feels good for you mate?

Hugs from Australia too, koala hugs and kangaroo hugs, just the best kind. :)

Pam

thailandchani said...

Downsize. Downsize! That is the first word that comes to mind as I read this.

Irrelephant said...

meno dear, I don't know what to offer you. I can barely keep my own relationships working so I don't think I'm the one anyone should be turning to for help or even a kind word. Just know that you are an extraordinary woman who has impressed many of us out here much more than once with your smarts, your love, and your ability to make things work.

I have nothing but the utmost faith in you.

*much loves*

Dick said...

There comes a time when it is important to realize that one has enough money to be comfortable and it is time to start thinking about what you could do with the extra time if the work were to slack off. It is a hard shift to make after years of looking at it the other way, but I think it is important. You did it, now to work on him to recognize the same thing. Maybe it is time for the two of you to start talking about a specific retirement target? I know he has interests outside work so isn't one who would be bored.

And if the move isn't related to the job change, in other words doesn't have to happen right now, why not postpone it a little while? Maybe get Em involved with the two of you on that project so that she does feel it is still her place, too?

egan said...

Hmmm, like leaving the Puget Sound region leaving? That would be sucky to see you go. Family is so important. I've read many of the supportive comments and based on your response, you've got some great blogger buds.

P.S. thank you so much for donating to my wife's charity. That was very generous of you.

Diane Mandy said...

You know that even the best marriages go through ups and down. With all the stress you've described, it's now wonder it's a down time.

I'm rooting for you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You have quite a lot on your plate right now. Perhaps it's time to redefine yourself and think about what sets YOU on fire, and do it.

It seems to me that big decisions like jobs and moving should be made by both of you together, taking into consideration that the marriage entity is more important than either of your individual wills.

My children have all been gone for a long time but a part of me is still waiting for them to forget this being-an-adult thing and come home to Mom again.

Good luck working everything out. You are smart and kind. You'll know what to do.

lu said...

I love you meno.

Clowncar said...

I like the idea of marriage as a sine wave. But I'll fall for those science similes every time.

The crazy mail lady letter from your last post made me smile. Our newspaper delivery guy is like that. Actually he's only like that to my wife, who he's clearly in love with. Me he merely tolerates.

meno said...

Finally mustering the energy to answer all you people.

liv, and he's a good man too. That's something i need to remember more often. Thanks for the body part offer.

pat, that's a nice positive way to look at it.

deb, i think my problem might be that i don't really have any ambitions. Need to think about that.

mrs.4444, oh man, i hope one of those other jobs works out soon. This was a good reminder that i could really have something to complain about.

cheesy, sorry, the move will be local. but i LOVE Oregon, especially the coast. Thanks for the thoughts. I am glad to hear from some one who has survived.

caro, nice to hear from you. I think part of it is just bullheadedness. I am pretty stubborn. But is that a good thing?

nancy, thanks honey. A very little sister. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

crazymumma, your cycle must be shorter than ours, we are here about every three years.

lu, that's a hell of a good perspective to have. Thank you.

tt, *breathing in-breathing out*

peevish, oh hell to the yes!

vanessa, thank you. I know he'll fight too, after i remind him.

holly, we were young and naive once too, remember? the move would be local. Thanks for the hugs.

say it, yes, but she'll be gone in a few months, and it's not her job to support me. She has other, real life fish to fry. What i mean is that i don't want her to feel like she has to pay attention to me right now.

pam, i hear koala bears are grumpy little things. :) Thank you.

chani, yeah, i love that idea.

irrelephant, stop it, you're making me blush. Talk to you Sunday.

dick, he does have interests. And i have tried to get him to think this way, but in the end, he works because he likes and needs it, not for the money, for other things. I have to respect that.

egan, nope, not leaving the area. I do have great blogger buds. And you are welcome, it's my pleasure to support your wife on her walk.

diane, thank you, and i do know this, god knows we've been through it enough times.

hearts, that made me laugh, waiting for the kids to come home. Be careful what you wish for, you may get it. :)

lu, thank you. <3

clowncar, i'm a sucker for a science simile too. They are so perfect for describing so many things.

Mama P said...

Hugs from here.