Thursday, November 12, 2009

Rub me the right way

I joined a massage place, kinda like joining a gym, only with massages instead. There is a pretty cheap monthly rate, for which i get one massage a month, and any other massages after that are 39 bucks! THIRTY NINE BUCKS! For an hour massage!

Score!

I have come to realize one thing about massages though, it's hard to relax while keeping your butt clenched.

She's pressing down, HARD, on my back, and it's pretty soon after lunch. Guess i shouldn't have had a burrito. But on the plus side, i did shave my legs this week.

I guess getting face farted must be an occupational hazard of being a masseuse. Not every one can have the butt clenching abilities i possess.

Oh, and that MUSIC they play. One lute accompanied by a stoned harpist. Today i asked the masseuse if she blasts Metallica in her car on the way home after a whole day of this crap. I know i would. She didn't answer yes or no, but she laughed.

It feels so good that each time after they finish with me, i ask the masseuse for her hand in marriage.

So far no luck with that.

12 comments:

At Least They Didn't Play Yanni said...

Nothing beats a massage, unless it's a massage with a margarita with a really long straw to reach from that little shelf thinghy to the hole in the doughnut thingy where you plant your face.

Maggie said...

I'll marry you. I'm not licensed or anything but I've been told I give a pretty good back rub and well, you make me laugh so much that I'd give you massages every night. But I'd still want you to clench, don't worry though, I'll be clenching too.

lu said...

I think this fear of flatulence is what keeps me from experiencing a massage. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in the world of tootin.

Scott from Oregon said...

try clenching your butt with an erection you're trying to hide...

flutter said...

that's because no self respecting massage therapist will marry you once you've called them a masseuse. :P

meno said...

no yanni, i'll have to ask about one of them drinks! Sounds like heaven.

maggie, THANK YOU! Who shall we have as bridesmaids?

lu, maybe if i went before breakfast??

scott, wow! The trials of being a man. Guess i should count my massage blessings.

flutter, oops! I called them by their names, but now i know that masseuse is a no-no.

nick said...

Well, I've never had a massage and I haven't shaved my legs recently, what kind of slob am I? Why do you have to clench your butt anyway, I thought massage was about relaxing?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

It sounds heavenly, even with the clenching. Sometimes having corporeal bodies is really challenging, isn't it? Enjoy the massages, and remember, once they marry you it all stops. I haven't had a massage at home in about 18 years.

caro said...

As a massage therapist I can attest to the Mettalica blasting in the car at the end of the shift! In my case it's Led Zeppelin.And I don't even play the birds/lute/water/Loreena McKennit stuff.

As for the farting, next time let her rip. Trust me, we don't care. Have seen\smelled it all.

luckyzmom said...

Having worked as a masseuse in ancient times, befort the term was insulting, I experienced a few white flags, to which I would reassure the usually embarrassed gentlemen not to worry about it as it happened frequently. I do not remember any of the flatulence though. When I am confronted with natural flatulence in awkward situatians I just say, "Excuse me". otherwise you can not thoroughly enjoy the heaven you get to visit when you experience a massage. I can feel my muscles relaxing just thinking about it.

Princess in Galoshes said...

That sounds fabulous. I can't even get out of the house long enough for a massage anymore. sigh. But I did like the comment you left me. Thank you. :-)

Mrs4444 said...

I feel stiff just reading this. Again, don't read anything into that, haha.