from the ridiculous to .....the ridiculous

Years ago, when i was knocked up with Em, The Mister and i would go to prenatal appointments together.

When checking in at the front desk, we were always asked, "Is this work related or an accident?"

The possibilities for smart-assery were unlimited.

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Yesterday i went for an ultra-sound as a follow up to a mammogram.  This doesn't freak me out as i get a call back after a mammogram probably at least half the time, and i've been getting them for over 15 years. 

I have dense breasts, or, it's a cyst, i'm always told.  About 10 years ago, they wanted me to get a biopsy and i refused.  (I worry that to a carpenter, everything looks like a nail, you know?)  Whatever it was they saw, it went away.

So yesterday, after more mammogram pictures and then the gelling and wanding of my boobs, the technician and the doctor come in and ask me when i want to schedule the biopsy, just assuming that i will want to do that.   (As an aside, great bedside manner to not tell me anything, other than that the next step is a biopsy.)

They were pretty shocked when i said i wanted to think about it.

I kind of have a bee in my bonnet about the medical industry and the reason that insurance is so expensive.

Or maybe i'm just in denial.  I am still thinking about it, but i really don't know what to do.  I'll be pissed if it turns out to be nothing, which is the likeliest possibility.  But i suppose i'll be more pissed if it doesn't and i didn't do anything.

Steam of conciousness starting with a hickey

Em's boyfriend just left this morning after being here for a week.  I am pretty sure they had a good time.

One of the days he was here i met them at a mall.  I noticed a....something...on Em's neck and as i instinctively bent over to look at it i realized that it was a hickey at the same time that i heard Morris (the boyfriend) giggle and say "Oops!"

I ignored it after that, i mean, i don't care. It's a rite of passage that they will get over.  I'd give The Mister a dope slap if he gave me a hickey now.

But....ah...a hickey...the memories.

My first and only one was when i was 20 and i was living at home for the summer with my parents so that my boyfriend Dan and i did not have the freedom that we were used to when i was living at the dorms.

One late night as he was dropping me off at my parent's house he got a little carried away and left a hickey on my neck.

My neighbor noticed it the next day and said, "Hey!  What's that on your neck?"  His wife stopped him and said, "Jack, you are showing your age."

Carol Davidson.  Oh Carol. I remember you.  She was a woman who, for a few of my teenage years, i could talk with about things i would never talk to my own mother about.  Carol never had kids and i think she enjoyed our quasi-mother-daughter relationship as much as i did.  I would wander over to her house and enjoy the calm and conflict free atmosphere, just chatting with an adult woman who was not constantly judging me.

What a welcome haven for me. Thank you for that Carol.

Reminds me to be open to opportunities to provide that haven for someone else.

Holy crap!

The toilet in Em's bathroom refused to flush starting late last week and persisted in this state despite all of my usual tricks (repeated flushing, pouring water into the bowl from my exalted altitude, getting The Mister to plunge, etc.)

So i had to break down and call a plumber.

Tom the Plumber (Joe was busy) looked under the bathroom sink and upon noting my choice of wiping material, told me that Charmin TP has LATEX in it.

Can that really be true? I looked it up on the interwebs and couldn't find anything about it. What about people who have latex allergies? Wouldn't this cause them to have rashes in unpleasant places?

Tom was unsuccessful in unclogging the toilet because (heh) his snake wasn't long enough. So he called a different company to come and remove the potty from the floor and use a longer snake.

Rufus the Rooter came over and when i mentioned that Tom thinks we use the wrong TP, he said, "Charmin or Cottonelle?"

I guess this is one of those little secrets that plumbers like to keep to themselves.

Having just been to Costco, i was flush (heh) with Charmin. I offered to pay them with toilet paper, but oddly, they both declined.

Senior moment

I am one of those people who leaves the shopping cart at the end of the aisle and darts around to get the things to put into it. I think it's faster and i can get around those people who feel the need to stop in the middle of the aisle and ponder the difference between Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Caffeine-Free Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Lime Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Lime Coke and Classic Coke.

While i wish them well in figuring out which kind of complete crap to drink, i would like them to get the hell out of my way.

I do the same thing at Costco, leave my cart wherever and wend my way through the store like a cat weaving around ankles in a crowded room.

Yesterday i was all done shopping when i headed back to where my cart was waiting.

.

..

...

....

Where did i leave that cart?

Not here. Not here. Let's see, i was near the kegs o' soy sauce when i last saw it, right? Nope.

Fuck!

I spent about 10 minutes trying to find the damn thing and i never did.

I had to start all over.

Next i will be wandering the parking lot at the mall looking for my car all day,

Sometimes i am not a hypocrite

Em's boyfriend is coming to visit us from New York in a few weeks.

Even if they don't know me well enough to actually ask, the first question everyone WANTS to ask when i tell them this is, "Where will he be sleeping?"

He'll be sleeping in Em's room.

Why?

Well, because she's old enough to make her own decisions, she's been away at college for two years now and could have (and may have) been doing god knows what while she was there, and because i am in favor of pre-marital sex. (To quote sex advice columnist Dan Savage, "Sexual compatibility should be established early and often!")

In my day (YOU KIDS GET OFFA MY LAWN) when you went home for the summer or for a visit with your boyfriend, you did NOT get to sleep with him at your parent's house because that would have meant that your parents were 'condoning' your slutty behavior. Because if you were sleeping with your boyfriend, even if you were 20 years old and you and he had been together for two years, you were still a shameless hussy who should have been content with dry humping just like your parents did before they were bound in holy matrimony.

But really, i just can't imagine that it's a good idea to EVER marry someone with whom you have never had sex.

Bottom line - i trust my child to make her own decisions, and if she is comfortable with it, so am i.

Sorry mom.