You guys, and more shit

Really, you guys are great.  I mean it.  Your comments and support are like little pearls of moisture that i clutch to my chest in the midst of this desert landscape i find myself in.

I am having my friends take turns babysitting me.  Sometimes i am alone here too, and it is scary and makes my heart pound and my bowels loosen.  I can't eat, although i am forcing myself to do a bit of it, because i know i should.


I am still in shock.


My sweet baby girl, who is going through her own shock, is a lifeline for me.  I am trying not to lean too hard on her, but she is really the only one who can partially understand how i feel and what i see.  I hope i am as much comfort to her as she is to me, but i doubt it.

I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday.  (i don't let grass grow under my feet!) It was with the woman half of the couple that The Mister and i used to see as a couple.  (Should i ask for my money back? :)  )


I asked her for a reality check on my knowledge of The Mister, and she agreed with what i know about him.  It helps to have a pair of trained eyes, to know that my observations are not completely cocked up.  It makes no difference to the outcome of this, but it still helps to know that i am not insane.

Hanging on......


love you.

pain/bitterness

I'm looking back over the last few months, and i am seeing the lies.

It is so incredibly painful that i can barely stand it from minute to minute.

I am leaning heavily on my friends and family, and they are coming through like champs.  Thank god for friends.

Lying to someone who trusts you is the act of a coward.  It protects you (The Mister) in the moment, and damages the person (me) who was lied to forever.

Or should i call him the soon-to-be-ex Mister.

I have no fucking idea how i'm going to live through this.

Even though i know i will, eventually.

The oldest story in the world

Well,  It's about to get interesting around here.  Hang on if you like for the bumpy ride.  Or not.

The Mister left me this morning.  He's seeing someone else.

You will be glad to know that i behaved with dignity.  I told him good luck. 

Nothing is worked out, and it's going to be an unholy mess to disentangle our lives after more than 30 years.

I am numb right now.  I am not looking forward to dealing with the pain and the loneliness.  But i realize that i cannot avoid it.

I called my brother right away, and he, being the awesome brother that he is, came over and went to the doctor with me, to get some sleeping aid and some anti-anxiety meds.

I may spend the night at his house, but in all honesty, i don't know what to do with myself right now.

Not funny

Other than The Mister, no one has ever accused me of not having a sense of humor.

We are in Hawaii right now, on vacation.  We were awakened last night at 12:30am with a tsunami warning which, for us, really amounted to nothing more than losing a few hours of sleep, although the people on the 1st and 2nd floors of the resort were evacuated to higher floors. (And amusingly, told to bring their pillows with them.)

I knew this was going to happen, but today, whilst strolling the tacky shops in Lahaina, i saw the inevitable  "I Survived the Maui Tsunami; 3-11-11" t-shirt, less than 12 hours after the waves dribbled into Hawaii, and only a few hours longer after the waves slammed into Japan.

I winced when i saw it.  As Em says, "It's only funny if no one died."

I hope they don't sell any, but i know better.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I am SO sick of being a female right now.  I never know what's going to happen.  It's like playing Russian Roulette where the gun is my uterus and the target is my underpants.

Oh, and Happy New Year, a little late.

Things are slowly returning to normal after a big upset, about which i cannot tell you.  But the gist is, it's time for me to grow up.  I am having some success with that actually.  But it's interesting how long i clung to a behavior that wasn't really working to make me happy.  Us humans do not like change.

Peace y'all. Miss you.  Really, i do.