Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dark Hole

Hey there.

I fell into a dark hole when i got home from my trip.  It was really scary.  I had trouble getting out of bed each day and doing most anything was out of the question.  Did a lot of crying and panicking, and had no energy.

Can you say "depression" kids?

Yeah, that was me.  I moved over to my brother's house for two weeks and they fed me and made sure i got up every day.  Not a pretty picture.

But thanks to the meds finally kicking in, I came home three nights ago, and while i am still up and down, i am functioning and am able to move through my day.

Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  I hope i can enjoy the journey as well as the end result.  But lots of shit to wade through first.  Meeting with lawyers and trying to pick one.  Dealing with the Soon-Ex who is much to busy and important to pick a lawyer and divorce his wife.

Trying not to become bitter, but you can't tell from that last sentence.  I guess a better goal might be to try and not REMAIN bitter.

My friends and Em remain the awesomest.  (Shut up blogger, is TOO a word.)


Bob said...

Serve him with papers and I expect he'll discover a new-found urgency to find a lawyer. don't let his inaction in this area dictate yours.

I just some bad news myself (nothing like yours) and I'm finding hard to get motivated to deal with the situation. I'm so glad you have some good people around you to help AND that you're getting some help out of the meds.

just keep putting one foot in front of the other. great things are accomplished from an accumulation of small actions.

take good care.

Lynnea said...

Been thinking about you. I'm happy to hear the meds are helping. Living in panic and tears is no way to live. Have you been eating your cookies? Make sure you don't neglect this part of your life. =)
Many many hugs coming your way.

De said...

I'm relieved you checked in here. I was getting ready to initiate contact.

YOU are the awesomest! You will make it through this.


Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Whatever you have to say, we are hear to listen. I wish I could offer up something more, but you do always have an ear (and you have my email!)

Peace. Man, I am wishing some much goddamned PEACE for you right now.

Lilith said...

Do you know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?

They're too bitter.


It will pass.

And the rest of your life will be awesome, sometimes and sometimes it will suck. At least that's what I'm finding.

Sending a hug and a pitcher of cosmos.

Mrs. Chili said...

I, too, have been thinking of you and wishing you well. Hold still and feel love vibing from the east...

flutter said...

I am glad you went to mama and got what you needed. Love you.

Sabra said...

Um.... does it help at all to hear that nothing your experiencing is out of the ordinary? that hundreds, possibly thousands of us have waded through the same shit? I was sort of relieved to hear it, at the same time that I was disappointed to learn that I was not special in some way regarding the horrifying pain that I was going through. "Misery loves company" -- I really should have embroidered it into a sampler. It does get better -- but that's of no use to you while you wade through the sludge. And, despite what others have chimed in here, my ex took his time even though he had a girlfriend waiting. She must have had her own delusions, as she waited out two years of his stalling...

Hang in there. Life goes on.

nick said...

Oh dear, the familiar story of a guy who quits then drags out the divorce process for as long as possible just to make you suffer even more. Bastard. Just keep putting the pressure on him to shift his selfish butt.

Sorry about the dark holes and inertia and shit. Glad you have plenty of friends to prop you up. Be as bitter as you like, get it out of your system. And yes, keep taking the cookies.

Marshamlow said...

I think of you often and send good thoughts your way.

Nancy Dancehall said...

Awesome attracts awesome. And I think you should coin awesomest.

I don't know how you could NOT be bitter toward the soon-ex (he doesn't deserve caps). I think everything you are feeling is right. And keep going at _your_ pace.

Love you. *hugs*

jaded said...

Hail! the power of awesomeness and good meds for that matter.

I wish what Sabra was just a myth, but I've spoken with people who have gone through what you are going through and the gentler divorces would be described as hellish at best. I'm glad your'e still moving forward. Nothing will make this easy or easier, but know I have your back.

luckyzmom said...

Time to get angry.........

heartinsanfrancisco said...

First of all, the guy is an emotional illiterate, and you deserve much, much better. Second, if being angry helps you through the fight, I'm all for it. Anger can be a great motivator, and going all soft right now would be something you would regret later, when you have no feelings for him except maybe pity. I don't want to be crass because I KNOW it isn't about material stuff for you, but please allow your lawyer, when you choose one, to go all out to get the best possible deal for you. The fewer practical concerns you have, the more energy you'll have to create a new and better life for yourself. And that is where you're heading, so please let others help you in any way they can.

Schmoopie said...

Luckyzmom is right...let the anger flow. Be mad at the man who deserves it, not yourself.

You already have the tools to function in life beautifully without him. You are an awesome person!

I am on a crusade to get Nancy Pants to come visit Seattle to hang out with us. I need a little help...go harass her for the greater good ;)


Cat said...

I am SO happy to hear from you! Glad you're back, and glad the meds are kicking in. I've missed your writing.


Dick said...

And this is just a small sampling of the love your blog friends have for you! You've helped some of us through our own tough times so turnabout certainly is fair play here.

I know you are "retired" but perhaps taking a job doing something you'd enjoy doing would be a help? You don't have to worry about the pay scale, just get the regularity of going to work doing something you like. Maybe in a bookstore? Even a volunteer position, possibly?

Eve said...

Meno, I haven't blogged in over a month (and even then, I blog rarely these days), and haven't read any blogs. Decided to do some housecleaning of my blog links today and came here to read.

My husband of 30 years died in January. I am experiencing all the same things you're writing about here. One doesn't know what to do about the void. Thirty years of marriage leave a huge void when the marriage is over. It doesn't matter how it ends; the void in a woman is the same.

Nothing will help for at least a year, other than medication and putting one foot in front of the other. I've been reading memoirs of grief, which you wouldn't think I'd need to do, having worked professionally in this field and having lost a child 11 years ago this August. Still, one forgets. I think of grief like childbirth: the worst of it fades and we are left with a haze that is kinder to us than the raw grief was.

So fwiw, and from what I know, it won't get better til it gets better. Anyone who tells you there is something magical you can do either hasn't been there or is lying--at least, that's how I see it today.

I have collected several amazing new women friends who are widows or were divorced after long marriages. We are all very similar in terms of process. They tell me that life is raw and terrible for at least a year; year two is a little better. In years 3-5 many women will date and remarry (this is a statistic; men remarry, in the majority, within one year, those jackasses). Women who have been married a long time find it much more difficult to re-enter the dating world, much less to consider marrying again, because we like our freedom and we know too much about men by that time. This explains why you see a lot of older women remaining single and making very good friendships with other women.

This is what I'm learning.

I'm sorry for your loss even though it was necessary. There's really nothing I can say that will help you. Even so, know that you're not alone and the void is there for a reason.

Taradharma said...

Eve, you are a wise woman.

Meno, I am in awe of your blogger buddies. They do indeed have your back.