Thursday, June 02, 2011

It's not pretty

I have chosen now to completely fall apart. I guess i was holding it together for my trip, and now that it's over i'm just a fucking mess.

I feel just terrible about this because Em is actually staying with me right now, and i want to be super woman.


But i'm not.


I was supposed to drive Em down into Oregon by myself this Saturday, to drop her off for her summer internship, and then drive 6 hours back by myself on Monday.


I didn't realize that this was not a good idea in my condition (sleep deprived, not eating enough, panic attacks, etc.) until today, when i was sobbing about whether or not i could make it to my therapist.


So, in a panic, urged on by my therapist, i called my brother and sobbed (again) and asked for his help.  

He agreed to come with me.  Best brother ever.


It good to have people who love me.

19 comments:

Dick said...

There are a lot of us out here who love you but it does sound like your brother is amazing. Go ahead and lean on him.

Trip photos would be good to see.

JelliDonut said...

That's so great that you are able to ask for help. I usually just suffer in silence, but I am pathetic that way. You are not, and that is awesome. Hang in there and don't forget to love yourself.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You are surrounded by love and caring on all sides. It will get better, really, even if it doesn't seem like it now. The trip was a nice diversion, but don't beat yourself up over falling apart on returning. It's only natural. I hope Em enjoys her internship, and I believe that by the end of the summer, you will be in a much better place.

nick said...

Nothing I can add. Just sorry everything's so awful right now. And thumbs up to your brother.

De said...

Sounds like a potential problem has been avoided - that's great. I'm glad he's able to help out. I bet he's happy to be doing something to help you - most people truly want to help others.

Have you got anything to take for anxiety?

Lilith said...

Best brother ever. Sending a hug.

Sabra said...

Well, at least you chose. Falling apart used to choose me at the most inconvenient times -- in the grocery store, driving the car, on the train.....

Road trip sounds like it could be a good sibling adventure. And maybe you can find some time to howl at the moon, if the mood strikes.

sari said...

I'm glad your brother is coming with you. It's good you have someone like him to help you. Don't feel bad about asking for help. xo

mischief said...

Glad you have family support, and that you are willing to ask for that support when you need it. That's how you will get through this, because you have people who love you (with good reason) who will help.

fiwa said...

Hmpf. Blogger problems, I hope this doesn't post twice.

I'm glad you asked for help when you needed it. It's good for you, and it's good for other people - makes them feel good when they can help you.

Hang in there lovie.

lu said...

I love your brother!
Wish I had something pithy to share.
you are my hero,
I love you!

luckyzmom said...

This made me smile for you. I hope it won't be long before you can smile for yourself, inside as well as out.

Schmoopie said...

Panic attacks are the worst feeling. So out of control with that sinking feeling of doom. I'm with De...do you have anything to take for the anxiety? Something daily that won't make you drowsy?

Exercise is the best natural way to prevent the anxiety but you need to eat well first. So work on what will motivate you to take in some calories...cookies, milkshakes, cheese? It can be whatever you like for the short term. And then hike, go walking, run.

Also, get out in the sun (now that we have some!) It will help you sleep at night.

Hugs to you!

Bob said...

You know us guys - always want to fix the problem, and otherwise clueless as to how to help. Well - that's me. I don't know how to help you. I realize I cannot. All I can do is to offer to listen and to reassure you that you aren't alone in this. Here's a great big bear hug.

jaded said...

It's interesting how we try to hold ourselves together for the sake of others, even when it could actually be better to fall apart and just get it over with, but the problem is we never really know and there isn't a way to be sure. In a way it doesn't matter because losing your shit, even for a moment, isn't easy, but I guess it isn't supposed to be.

On the upside when you ask for help and you get it, doesn't that just rock?

Cheesy said...

Are you stopping by?

Cat said...

I love you. Hope today was better than yesterday. Safe travels tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you.

flutter said...

You are more loved than you know.

Mels Place in Big Bear said...

I would totally take you if I was there! Uggg... it WILL get better. Please trust me.