Thank you all for your kind, understanding and insightful words. It means a lot to me to hear what you have to say, even if it's just "I'm sorry."
All right, let me see if i can get this correct, and then we must never speak of it again. :)
I figured out the trigger for my "kamikaze attacks from the past." (Thanks for that phrase Caro, it's perfect.) The Mister has travelled 3 times in the past month. And, of course, that's where this all began, on a business trip.
I am embarrassed as i write this, because how typical, how tawdry. But why am I embarrassed? Because in this culture, i know there are people who think that it must be a reflection on me.
I want to be careful here, because there are thousands of ways to "get it wrong" when describing someone else's issues.
The Mister wants to be attractive to and liked by everyone. A legacy from his father, i believe. Some people, understandably, mistake this for something else, including him. So, the infidelity was just the recognition of this problem, all the way around. The solving of it has taken longer. With slip-ups. Details not to be included as they aren't important. Not major slip-ups, but enough to rip the scab off of my still tender wound.
The Mister has spent the past 13 years working on this issue, trying to recognize and correct the behavior.
I frequently quote Chani on this one. Love is a behavior, not an emotion.
And to quote Patty Griffin from her latest album, "I don't give up. I don't ever give up."