Sunday, April 08, 2007

Can i just beat her a little?

I am exhausted. Em had two full-blown temper tantrums yesterday. I thought this was the exclusive territory of toddlers. The tantrum performance has changed from when she was a toddler, but the basic crying, yelling and make wild leaps of logic have not.

The good news is that i did not beat her. Not even a tiny bit. Although i tell you that one good whack would have felt REALLY GOOD! I remained calm, externally. It was all because i asked her to clean her room this week and the deadline has come and gone, and been extended once, with no results. So, as promised, i turned off her internet access. See what a beast i am?

This morning, as we were heading off to our gig cleaning cat cages, she asked me "What can i do to make it up to you?" She can tell that i am not really feeling all that kindly towards her right now and she is ashamed of herself too. I told her that she can make it up by never having another tantrum. I also told her that i need a time out from her, not that i don't love her, but i don't want to be around her right now.

Usually we meet the Mister for lunch after shoveling cat poop. Not today. The Mister and i took a lovely walk in the spring sunshine instead.

**************************************

I am about to tell the Mister that i have a blog and have had one for almost a year. And that no, he can't read it. I am to go off and meet some other bloggers soon and one thing i won't do is lie about where i am and who i am with. My guess is that he will be very excited and happy for me. He is a great cheerleader and thinks more of me than i think of myself. I appreciate that. But he still can't read it.

48 comments:

TTQ said...

TTQ= Temper Tantrum Queen. I'm 32 *shrug*

TTQ said...

Ooops 33.

alphawoman said...

My 12 year old step daughter still has tantrums. But not with us, with her mother. She would not dare with us One day my sister was out waiting for her Chinese take out when my step-daughter and her Mom came in and proceded to have a major fight in the store. My SD turned and saw Peg and immediately turned scarlet and hid her face behind her hair. Peg pretended that she did not witness anything. I remember my own daughter having fits. Hell, I once had a fit when I was 16 I think. Not good memories.

That is so cool you are going to meet some fellow bloggers!! I told my husband and he in turn told some members of his family and it sort of ruined the experience for me. I always have to watch my p's & q's because no telling who I will insult or upset. By sheer accident....my in-laws are rather nuts.

Nancy Dancehall said...

No no no, don't tell me the tantrums don't stop at five. That's the little light at the end of my tunnel.

Wow. I hope I haven't put you in an uncomfortable situation. I know how important anonymity can be. There are times I wish O (or anyone else) didn't know I have a blog.

jen said...

if he can't read it he still won't know how all these people are crazy about you. a whole other layer to the meno.

i love what you said to Em.

Caro said...

Dear Lord! I thought the temper tantrums ended on their 16 th birthday. Am I in for a treat! L.P found out about my blog. And read it. He told me NEVER to post a picture of him. I've been having a hard time writing since. Hmmmmm...

QT said...

Yay for you meeting some other bloggers! My BF wouldn't even know what a blog is - he can't even operate the computer! And BELIEVE ME, I like it that way!

As for Em, well, she had to give it one last go, didn't she?

meno said...

ttq, i never knew what that stood for. Now i have a new name for Em. :)

alphawoman, one reason she has these tantrums with us is because she feels safe in our love. How to make het feel less safe i wonder. The Mister will know i have a blog, but he won't be able to find it. No real names, all evidence on my laptop that only opens with my fingerprint. Very Mission Impossible.

nancy, nah, he really will be excited and i think he'll respect my request not to look for or read it. You may not know this, but meno is NOT MY REAL NAME!

jen, he also won't feel offended by any of my descriptions of him. Which are all true, but only in my reality. Thank you though, that was sweet.

caro, ha ha ha ha ha. No. It doesn't end at 16, at least not for mine. How did he find out about your blog?

qt, The Mister is WAY more of a computer geek than i. He is the one who keeps the network running in our house. All i know how to do is cycle the power on the modem. But i am a whiz at Excel. :)

Lee said...

How interesante! It never occurred to me to be anonymous; I think it was bc I put my "art" up. I hope that Mister is supportive and not hurt. I think it would be weird to know that my lover had an online journal that the rest of the world was allowed to read, but that I wasn't. Just a thought.

I met with a couple of bloggers last night...it was so much fun! Will be writing about it soon!

Joan of Arf said...

I don't think the tantrums will end until Em heads off to college or moves out... whichever comes first. I still have tantrums with my parents, only they are inside my head.

I so don't want to tell my husband about my blog yet... too much venting still to be had!

patches said...

I admire the restraint with which you handled Em. It would have been difficult for me to manage the situation with that much calmness and maturity. I also appreciate her actions had consequences, and you followed through as you said you would.

After twenty five years, the Mister should be willing to give you some space when you need it. I think it's great that you are meeting part of your online community. I hope to do the same one day.

amusing said...

I'm loading the kids in the car and moving to Seattle. I'm changing our names to....um....MENO! (As in "me no want to see the ex again") What neighborhood can we afford?

Caro said...

He Googled my stepdad's name-he was looking for a newspaper article about him-and there I was!So I am kind of re-thinking the whole blog idea...

ellie bee said...

I have found after all these years in pediatrics that what you had at 3 is what you have at 13, at 4, 14, etc. They are remarkably like they were a decade ago...and I really do hope they outgrow it! My daughter, a lovely young woman, can throw a tantrum that would make a class 5 hurricane look tame...her brothers just head for cover...;)

urban-urchin said...

i recently told my husband about my blog and then after a fight he went and read it (to see if he was much maligned in it) satisfied, he doesn't read it. I like it better that way. I told him even if he did read it, I would not censor myself, for his sake. He understood.

Good luck!

meno said...

lee, i wanted to be anonymous because i did not want to censor myself in any way. This is the world from my point of view. If i had any art, that might change things.

joan, i still, very occasionally, have tantrums too. I am ashamed for weeks afterwards. I hear you about the venting. I will tell The Mister, but i will not tell him where.

patches, i really wanted to KILL her. I am the follower-througher in my house. I truly think The Mister will be excited for me. He trusts me. As he should. I hope to meet more of y'all too. Seattle is georgeous in the summer.

amusing, girl, come on over. There's got to be somewhere you can afford. Just wait until you get your master's. You'll love it here.

caro, ah. I have used no real names here. Just start over with a different blog, and tell a few of us who read you and whom you trust. After all, you have my real name and address. :)

ellie bee, i heard that same thing from the pediatrican when Em was 6 weeks old. She has really been easy, in many ways, but she sure has some passion in her.

u-u, i remember some of your posts from that time. How odd that must have been. I have not maligned the Mister, if i needed to do that i would leave him. Thank you sweetie. :)

Lynn said...

I just started reading a great book called "Get Out Of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" by Anthony E. Wolf, PhD. A friend has seen what I have been going through with Twelve and recommended it. You really handled the situation with Em well! You stood your ground and if you are a beast...I'll meet you at the zoo.

Toni said...

Great! David is 13 and still doing the tantrum bit. Thought it would be over soon.

Your hubby doesn't know about your blog???? I'm shocked! I told my hubby after about a month. He reads it about once a week. If I have a problem with him, trust me he will know before I blog about it! Yeah! For getting to meet other bloggers! Green with envy here!

deb said...

My sixteen year old still has temper tantrums, full blown, screaming, swearing, door slamming, wall kicking temper tantrums. Aren't kids fun?

meno said...

lynn, i have read that book. I'll see you at the zoo too!

toni, nope, there will be more tantrums. Sigh. No, The Mister doesn't know. I think. I will tell him soon though. Really soon.

deb, they were so cute when they were little. What were we thinking?

luckyzmom said...

You can want to beat her a little. I admire your cool. My daughter and I had a volitile elationship from about 11-21 when she moved into an apartment of her own. My husband has always said that we didn't get to see 'happy face' until she moved out. I think I could have prevented the screaming matches had I known then what I know now.

I would not have a blog if it weren't for my husband helping me. He doesn't read my blog though, to busy (or not interested). If I had known then what I know now though I would have an anonymous blog so I could let it all hang out.

I lived in Seattle til the third grade when we moved north to Edmonds. I met my husband at a place called Lucky's on 3rd Avenue. My husband lived all his life in Skyway and is a UW graduate.

sober briquette said...

I don't have anything helpful to add. I know I still have days where I yell too much, or express frustration more emphatically than I'd like. I feel that I never matured emotionally and it's something I work on.

I'd wager a guess that there will be some tough times ahead, right along with the big change of getting ready to move out to college.

Have fun at your meet-up. Will we hear more? About the Mister? About the meeting?

Mona Buonanotte said...

My husband was blogging for nearly a year before he told me about it. I was pretty excited for him, actually, and immediately stopped procrastinating and had him show me how to set up my own blog.

I've already accepted the fact that my kids will always throw tantrums. Because, well, as much as I try not to, I'm not always the best example. Urgh.

Lee said...

meno - i completely understand; i was just thinking if i were mister, i would be terribly curious. my ex and his new wife read my blog...i'm not sure why as they seem to intensely dislike me. i definitely censor myself which sometimes i wish i didn't have to, but on the other hand, it keeps my blog from being a complete borefest of criticisms and anger.

lu said...

Oh the teenage tantrum, I'm not looking forward to them.

As for hubby and the blog- I hate to be cynical, but I imagine he will feel resentment for the withholding; Especially knowing that you are meeting those who read in real space. He might not understand how you can share your thoughts with strangers, but not with him--kinda that what would you have to say to them that you can't say to me? What do you say about me? I don't see anything wrong with telling him about it, but I don't think he'll get the privacy thing.

Mother of Invention said...

Good to know that you followed through on your taking away the internet...so many parents don't do this and it's one of the first things I learned in Teaching...no empty threats, so tell them something you really are prepared to do. Sounds like it really works with her. I think she will likely emulate your style with her own children some day.

Interesting and amazing really that your husband doesn't know about your blog. Does he not ever see you at the computer? (Mine does, btw,and I would never mind him reading it...the nature and purpose of my blog was just a place to express and put my poems,and I don't usually rant, certainly not about really personal things. Every blog has a unique tone.)

Lisa said...

I'm sure the Mister will be supportive, as always. I just hope his feelings aren't hurt because you haven't told him until now.

My greatest fear concerning my blog is that somehow my mother-in-law will find it. I haven't told my mother, because she corresponds with my m-i-l. I haven't told any of my relatives because I'm afraid they will tell my mom, and it will get back to the m-i-l. I censor myself enough without feeling that she is looking over my shoulder. If that happened, I would just quit altogether.

Are you going to Chicago for BlogHer?
I might be there, if I can find the cash.

Bob said...

I didn't tell my wife about my blog, she finally came across it. she reads it occasionally but tells me she pretty much stays away - so I will have a place of my own.

Sounds like maybe Em is at the age where she realizes the consequences of loosing her s%@t and will start to learn to control her anger.

Joan said...

I think it's great that you can tell the Mister about your blog and have the confidence that he will respect your wishes and not read it. That speaks volumes about your relationship and you are one very lucky woman.

Thailand Gal said...

You handled that so well with Em. It really takes a lot of patience to not buy into it and to be upfront about needing time apart.



Peace,

~Chani

meno said...

luckyzmom, most of the time we get along well. Most of the time. So what are you doing in NV?

de, i don't feel like an emotionally mature person either. I work at hiding it, but sometimes it just pops out. You will hear more about the meeting i am sure. And about the Mister.

mona, that's the reaction i expect from the Mister. And, um, i am not always the best example either. :(

lee, i think he will be curious, i know i would be. That is odd that your ex and the ex's wife read your blog. I mean, why? Ammunition? Inability to let go? Weird.

lu, and they are so much more able to lob the verbal grenades than when they were toddlers. Ugh. We'll see about the Mister.

moi, taking away the internet is about the only tool i have left. The Mister and i both hang out at the computer a lot. Also, he is gone all day at work.

lisa, i don't think his feelings will be hurt. We'll see. I would have to remove many of my posts if my mother ever found this blog. Too hurtful, even if true. that's why i haven't told anyone. I hadn't really considered going to BlogHer. I could, i do love Chicago. It brings up high school anxieties. Who would i room with? Who would i hang out with? Will anyone talk to me?

bob, how did she find it? I like the place of my own too. It's the introvert in us. :) I hope Em can learn to control herself. It's going to make life harder if she doesn't.

joan, i am a lucky woman. :) He's never been a jealous or possesive person. I find i am having trouble telling him because i like having a little corner of the internets just for me.

chani, i think i did do okay on this one. Unfortunately, i am not always this capable of staying calm. Thanks. :)

gr said...

You have only blogged a year? Your husband doesn't know and will not know? Who is that masked woman?

liv said...

************
Ooh! The last bit: I am totally psyched for you. Sing it loud and proud, and no, he can't read it!

Rock it, girlfriend!

Ortizzle said...

Temper Tantrum: raging PMS?

The blog confession: hmmm... maybe you could say they are friends you met cleaning cat cages? (I'm thinking it might be rather difficult for him to resist sneaking a peek at your blog...)

DDM said...

You're meeting other bloggers?? Did I miss that? Can I meet you too???

sari said...

Oh good, then I can start sending you postcards and he won't say "Who is THAT from?"

Maggie said...

I've learned from you by now that the tantrums still happened. However, I was surprised it was over something like cleaning her room...ugh. I thought that battle would be won long before then. Oh well.

Let us know how it goes when you tell him.

Kelly said...

It must have been in the air this weekend. We had the same problem over the same issue. When did our kids get so spoiled??? I blame it on my husband. Not quite sure why yet, but it makes me feel better.

Esereth said...

I don't envy you. Even though I think I'm fated to become you. It's the line between friendship with your daughter and mothering your daughter. Most of the time you guys sound like buddies. But a buddy doesn't have the right to turn off her buddy's internet. Difficult to master, isn't it. I can't WAIT to find out just how difficult.

meno said...

gary, i am wonder woman! Except she has...um...bigger talents!

liv, he really can't read it if he doesn't know the URL. Thanks! :)

ortizzle, it might be PMS, but i am not real big on buying that as an excuse. Even if he finds the blog and sneaks a peek, he can't admit it, right? Trapped!

ddm, i am meeting Nancy Dancehall and her friend Schmoopie as Nancy is coming into town and Schmoopie invited me. I would be happy to meet with you sometime too. I know you live not far away. Send me an e-mail.

sari, i usually get the mail anyway as i am the one at home, so send away baby! :)

maggie, In all fairness to her, i occasionally, very occasionally, like every two years, have a tantrum too. I will let you know. I'm thinking i'll keep it casual.

kelly, did you get to beat yours? I need a vicarious thrill! (Of course i know you didn't, but tell me you were at least tempted to swat them!)

esereth, i wish for you as good a relationship as i have with Em, or better. I also wish you TONS of patience. Difficult, but not impossible. Sometimes i sez what i means and i means what i sez!

Nancy Dancehall said...

*blink blink* It's NOT? You parents aren't philosophers? ;-)

Em said...

Ah, the urge to beat. I've got three teenagers. I know it well.

egan said...

I'm so late on this one. I find this interesting you won't let your husband read your blog. I'm curious to the reasons why. Shouldn't anything on here be stuff he already knows?

Good luck with Em and meeting your blog buddies.

meno said...

nancy, no, not so much. More like critics.

em, thanks for understanding. And for knowing how hard it is NOT to beat some days.

egan,, i don't know if i can explain. It's complicated. He's pretty touchy, and might not like some of the things i've said about him, even though they are true from my perspective. Also, it might be about having something that is my own. It's not like i won't let him read it, he just doesn't know about it. Yet. Not a good answer, sorry.

Antonia said...

We would LOVE to see you in Chicago. I had the same worry as you: that I won't know who to talk to. Also: will Blogher be fun? Or will it be like being back at school with 1000 girls who take the school magazine too seriously? Etc.

I expect it will be all of the above. If the worst comes to the worst, I am a great people-watcher, and Chicago is supposed to be great fun to look at.

Good luck with your blog revelation to the Mister. I blew my anonymity from day 1 and people from all walks of my life read mine. It's weird. If I thought about who reads it, I wouldn't be able to write.

egan said...

I appreciate your answer Meno. I read many blogs where they don't tell their spouse and I'm trying to wrap my head around why. I do get why you want to have something to yourself. It makes sense. I just want to make sure he's represented fairly.

Anyways, enough about that. I hope your blogger meeting went well.

Bob said...

Laura and I only have one computer. I think she ran across it in browser history - you know how they autofill URL's as you type them.

It is encouraging that Em apologized after her tantrum, that tells me that she knows it was wrong. That is a big step down the road of controlling your anger.

MonkeyDragon said...

I have 2 DD - 11 and 13 . . .

When the school counselor stood up at 6th grade registration last month and explained how the middle school age child would change more physically, emotionally, cognatively, etc than during any other period of life since that first year after birth , having not heard aword of this (in one ear and out the other) with the first child's registration - I took notes!

This age is like a toddler on hormones! LOL! Use the same tactics - but this time I take the time outs!