Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Warning: Too Much Information

I had my annual visit with the doctor a few weeks ago.

The usual, plus extra fun, was had by all. I got to do the tit squeeze, then the usual call back for more tit squeezes and a complete round of tit gelling. They've started using a device which warms the gel up first, isn't that sweet?

Next week i get to do something called a Stress Echo test. I think it involves getting me all annoyed and then yelling into my ear to see how long the sound takes to make it out my other ear.

I had blood drawn. My cholesterol numbers are great! Plus there was a notation added by hand from the doctor about FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone.) It said; " FSH levels consistent with menopause. Ovaries are no longer functioning."

I read that last part out loud while facing my naughty bits, just to make sure they were listening.

They were not listening.

38 comments:

Brad said...

My naughty bits won't listen to me either, but that's a whole different issue.

Daisy said...

You have many more activities at your doctor than I ever had at mine (in the days when I had health insurance and used to go...).

Do you have to buy tickets at the door? Do you win prizes?

H.E.Eigler said...

thanks for reminding me that I need a tit squeeze, I'm overdue for the fun ;p

Mrs. Chili said...

I get my annual poke-and-prod in August (yippee! Can't wait!) I've been put on the three-month pill, and I LOVE it - one period a quarter totally works for me. Of course, I'm passing 40 in January; I don't know how much longer I can be on this magic medicine...

Scott from Oregon said...

Ummm, how does one face their naughty bits?

TTQ said...

I'm 34 and my naughty parts won't work, which is good. Saves money. i'm a freaking cheap bitch. But hey no pms or monthly! LookI saved even more money! I really ought to charge my husband for rental of my "naughty bits"

TTQ said...

Oh and am I the only one to wear my best pretty matching bra and panties for the doctor even if they never ever see them? I mean why do they leave the room shutting the door behind them only to come back and touch and feel and i guess view everything.?

Stucco said...

Meno has menopause? That's like Lou Gehrig getting Lou Gehrigs' Disease. Who didn't see that coming?

Incidentally- sorry to hear it. Please don't kill me.

Deb said...

Congratulations. I can hardly wait. Truly.

Several years ago I had to have one ovary removed due to a cyst. I thought that would speed up the whole process, but my doctor said it doesn't work like that. Too bad for me.

jen said...

dude, did i miss something? is that your fracking tattoo?

flutter said...

rat bastard naughty bits!

QT said...

I am sorry, I lost it at your description of the Stress Echo Test...

meno said...

brad, i swear they are just like teenagers, won't listen to a word i say.

daisy, i wish! I think my doctor is procedure happy. And we wonder why insurance rates are so high.

h.e.eigler, get right on that ma'am.

mrs. chili, wow, that's cool!

scott, bending over, silly!

ttq, mine have been nothing but a nuisance since i gave birth. I don't have any pretty undies. Sad.

stucco, bastard!

deb, your congratulations are premature. Dammit!

jen, it is! Isn't it pretty?

flutter, i know! almost more trouble than they are worth.

qt, glad to amuse you. At least i didn't descibe it as shouting into my naught bits and waiting for an echo.

Maggie said...

Tit gelling? What the hell is that? Could these doctors think up more avenues of legal torture for women and get away with it?

Sienna said...

You are one of the funniest women on this earth!!!

This is good, keep an eye on these bits and pieces, even the buggars that don't work anymore.

Heard (some of) your radio! I have been pronouncing your name..."Meee-no"...I didn't realise it was Minnow...(could be the Oz accent).

Great radio voice and great sharp wit Meno, you seriously should have your own radio show, a lot of folk here in cyberspace don't realise the humor and delivery and timing of someone over the air, as opposed to keyboard interpretation...you are fun!

BTW what was that clacker of keyboard going on in the background?? I'm a little ignorant when it comes to cyberspace stuff, but if u guys were talking how come someone was typing??

We have a new GP (Doctor) in town, a sweet guy that giggles a lot and sings hymns...he kinda joins up the hymns with whatever task he is performing; (this is serious)...so it goes:

"Hallelujah....hallelujah...where's your cervix, where's your cervix.."

Pam

Mona Buonanotte said...

Have you had "the wand" yet? Ooh, that beats tit gelling ANY day! (Different body parts, ya understand, I'm simply talking what docs poke and prod with...mmm...prodding....)

Sober Briquette said...

I doubt my cholesterol numbers are great. and the way I've been feeling, I think my follicles are over stimulated. A bit of a last hurrah, hopefully.

ms chica said...

I have a stress test every time I visit my in-laws.

Tink said...

You said tit gelling and all I could think of was those stupid shoe insert commercials. "Are you gelling? I'm gelling!"

Say It said...

it seems your bits have had the stress test?

The warming gel had to have been invented by a woman.

furiousBall said...

my naughty bits put their fingers in their ears whenever i try to talk to them

Bob said...

excellent label. is that why it's sometimes called a muff?

I assume this stress test of which you speak is a cardiac stress test? I had one years ago when they heard my heart murmur. a bunch of running on a treadmill that is gradually raised (as if you're going up a hill) and then jump up on a table for ecg/sonogram. mucho fun.

meno said...

maggie, it's an ultrasound. They put this gel all over your boobs so the "wand" can get good contact. Then, as the gel becomes warmer, it oozes and slides down your sides as you get wanded. Nice!

pam, i prefer to think of it as Men? NO! for the pronunciation. :) The keyboard was from Vulgar Wizard, she types loud. We are all in a chat room along with the radio show. This explains the sudden random laughter from when someone says something funny in chat.

mona, oh yeah, been there been done by that. Is it you who calls it "dildo cam?"

de, that last hurrah thing can get really intense. Poor baby.

ms. chica, yes, but do you PASS the test?

tink, i should start shouting that as i am being gelled!

say it, i bet it was invented by a woman who had to get the dildo cam.

furious, a common theme from the male commenters; deaf naughty bits.

bob, yep, that's the test. That will be in about two weeks. Oh boy.

Nancy Dancehall said...

Oh god, you had me at teh Echo Test.

Hmmm, now if I do end up becoming a sonographer, am I'm gonna have to deal with a Mona-type fan club?

Franki said...

Great. Now I can't stop thinking about your naughty bits and Follicle Stimulating Hormone.

Maddy said...

Define 'functioning'?

I don't think I can count the number of first time mums I know who were supposed to be menopausal.

There again I love urban myths.

Cheers

Vanessa said...

Glad the cholesterol numbers were good. I've met very few doctors who listen.

Irrelephant said...

Mmmmmm...meno's naughty bits. *lol*

Another listener! I'm gonna have to get VW some sort of finger-damping thing to cut down on keyboard clatter. *g*

Cheesy said...

Passing you the q-tips for those naughty lil bass~turds..

peevish said...

wow, that had to be weird, esp. the part about your ovaries. Happy/sad?

egan said...

Umm, I got nothing. Is there a male equivalent of menopause or is it a bright red corvette?

Bobealia... said...

How did the naughty bits take it?

Brad said...

Shoot - I should have tagged you - consider your self meme'd

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Fun. How 'bout the old finger up the butt? That's what I always look forward to (not.) Off to find your radio stuff.

P.S. You are brilliant. Thanks for sharing your shining self on my blog :)

fiwa said...

I think the gelling is worse than the smashing (let's call it what it is... squeeze is way too polite to be the right word).

And I like your tat! I'm so thick, it didn't occur to me that's what your new profile pic is till I saw Jen's comment.

meno said...

nancy, why, yes, you are!

franki, lucky you. Sweet dreams.

madddy, well, mine are stull functioning enough to give me grief, and cramps. Little fuckers.

vanessa, ain't that the truth?

irrelephant, she has a heavy hand at the keyboard, that's a fact.

cheesy, thank you.

peevish, i just wish it were true, the non-functioning part. I think i'd be happy.

egan, you nailed it. You are still young so what would you know about it?

bo, they didn't listen. As usual.

brad, oh no. oh no no no!

half-past, i HATE that part. It makes me shudder for days. Not even a drink first. Yeesh!

fiwa, how would you know? About the tat i mean.

liv said...

oh, oh, oh-varies...

it sounds so over.

xoox

crazymumma said...

I fucking hate going to the doctor.