I have a bad temper.
This is not something of which i am proud. The opposite is true. I am ashamed.
There is a lifecycle for this temper.
I lose it. I totally lose it. I scream like a rabid harpy at my child or my husband. I scream for about five minutes. Sometimes i throw things. The more i scream and storm, the worse i feel. I can't seem to stop it.
Then i have to go away. I can't calm down unless i am alone.
After a while, i present myself to the offended party. I apologize. I admit my failure. I stare at the floor.
I feel deeply ashamed of my disgusting behavior. I slink around for several days, not being able to look anyone in the eye. I sigh a lot. I am depressed, deeply. I think how they would be better off without me.
I can see it coming with Em. I can't with the Mister. So with Em, sometimes i can get away from her and calm down before i lose it.
With the Mister it comes out of the blue. It's binary. From zero to sixty in 3 nanoseconds.
My family forgives me, but i do not. I swear it will never happen again, that i will control myself. (The fact that i never do this in front of other people is proof that i can control myself. This makes me feel even worse.)
Then, six, eight, ten months later, i do it again.