Monday, May 18, 2009

Untitled due to lack of inspiration

I am not the most mentally healthy person in the world, but neither am i the least. Nonetheless, there are times when i swear, if i were able to do so, that i would push a button and just vanish.

I am currently in a very familiar mental place. It is not a place i like. It is a place of fear and insecurity. I used to think that when i grew up, this wouldn't happen to me any more, because i would be all grown up and secure. But i begin to think otherwise, which makes me feel even more hopeless. Which doesn't help.


This is the definition of a positive feedback cycle.

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Right now i am sitting at the reception desk for my volunteer thing. It is a place that does counseling for kids. Waiting in the lobby are a mother and daughter both seething with resentment. This mother had called earlier saying that she couldn't find her daughter and thus didn't know if she would be able to keep the appointment.

Then they arrived over an hour early and are sitting in stony silence, occasionally broken by one of them hissing something angry at the other. The other clients are studiously avoiding eye contact.

It's sad, really.

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Today is my mother's eightieth birthday. There is an event tonight that i will be attending. I have known about the event for months, but my subconscious has been playing tricks on me all week and been trying to get me to schedule something else for tonight.

Subconscious: Hey, wouldn't Thursday be a great night to go see the Star Trek movie?

Me: Oh hey! Great idea subconscious! Oh......wait.

a few days later;

Subconscious: You know, Thursday would be a great night to go out to dinner at that Italian place. You haven't been there in months and you deserve it.

Me: Oh yeah! I could really go for some of that creamy tomato pasta they make. Oh....wait. *sigh*

25 comments:

The Real Mother Hen said...

Walking to the kitchen to pour you a glass of wine.

Bob said...

I see you published this 3 days ago (or started it then, and hit publish today????) so I'm hoping you're feeling better.

Maybe a better mental spin on having to attend your mother's birthday event is that your smiling face and pleasant demeanor is her present from you. Too bad you can't take someone along to say snarky asides to. Take a hip flask instead.

Clowncar said...

and the familiar mental place is related to your Mom's 80th birthday?

and the anecdote about the mother and daughter?

I'm sorry. lord knows I can relate.

fiwa said...

Hang in there tonight. Have a drink for lubrication.

I'll be thinkin' aboutcha.

de said...

there is a part of my brain that has been absolute batshit for about a week. it's very hard and tiring when one part of the brain is screaming, "Mayday! We're going down," and another part is rolling its eyes saying," When is this going to be over, drama queen?"

treat yourself to something really fabulous when tonight is over.

Daisy said...

Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one with a brain that works like this! I also used to go home after work, make myself some spaghetti, and then I'd feel tired and lie down and fall fast asleep. Then I'd wake with a start realizing I was an hour late for meeting a friend!

Nodding.

Yup.

Hope it's... um.... hope you survive. If you remembered to go.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Oh, poor baby. I know exactly what you mean. When I returned from a summer in Europe at age 22, awaiting my parents to pick me up (late) at the ship, I said to a young man who had become my friend, "What if they don't like me?" It never really got any better.

Every time they made me feel inadequate came screaming to the surface on such State Occasions and reduced me to a helpless child.

Go to that party with your head high and remind yourself that producing YOU was the best thing your mother ever did. Because it's true.

colleen said...

Sometimes I think I schedule events just to cancel them, preferring the spontaneous.

Sometimes I'm blown away with how deep the roots of insecurity go.

Hope that mom and daughter kiss and make-up.

meno said...

mother hen, why, thank you! I needed a glass of wine.

bob, i forgot to change the date when i published. Silly me. I had my daughter and husband there to make snarky asides to.

clowncar, no, not related to my mother. I hadn't realized how this all fit together until you pointed it out.

fiwa, social lubrication in the form of alcohol! yes!

de, seems to be a lot of this going around. Must be the swine flu. :)

daisy, isn't the sunconscious a wonderful thing?

hearts, you are so sweet. My family is mostly pretty wonderful, just my mom makes me crazy.

colleen, yes, those roots will always be there for me. I hate that, but i am happy that i haven't passed those roots on to the next generation.

flutter said...

meno you are the best

hockamama said...

well, I'm assuming you survived, seeing as how I arrived here a day late. I hope this weekend, as a reward for pulling birthday party duty, you go to the italian place and have a great meal with much wine, followed by the star trek movie (which is very good, if not a bit unsettling in the rewriting of star trek history as we previously knew it).

Enthusiasm Contained said...

At moments like these I think a time released alcohol patch would be a good idea. You don't want to depend on self-medication lest you make a total ass of yourself. Just enough to remain calm for the duration...They should be mandatory for any awkward social interaction.

SUEB0B said...

Oh, I hope the birthday is blessedly quick and painless. Hoping.

Your mental state sounds all too familiar. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. One of the reasons I'm barely blogging.

Ortizzle said...

Kind of a milestone birthday, and when it's called an "event" you probably couldn't get out of it unless you were having emergency open heart surgery.

Perhaps you could get really loaded before going and then have a designated sober person to sit next to you will a roll of duct tape to plaster across your mouth in case you decide to blurt out what you are really thinking.

Mrs4444 said...

I hope the party went well. My mom's 80th is next month.

Hope you're soon turning a corner....

Cheesy said...

Just remember --Creamy pasta will still be there Friday!

deb said...

A freudian slip, it's when you say one thing but mean your mother:)

TTQ said...

oh opps.... i wrote something decideded... it was too long for a
for a comment, now I've forgotten what... it was nice and snide...

Dick said...

I realize that sometimes family things can become a bit burdensome but there will eventually come a time when she will no longer have birthdays. I guess I'd try to enjoy her while I could, as best as I can.

As to the volunteer job, I think I like Pat's at the hospital short stay surgery unit better. Although some of those family people she deals with there do kind of seem a bit off the wall, they don't all have problems as your patients apparently do. You are doing a good service and one that not all would be strong enough to handle.

Irrelephant said...

Is it a full moon? I've been...deranged, too.

meno said...

flutter, thank you. You too.

holly, i survived, and i had a good time. Next up, the Italian place.

enthusiasm, your names crack me up.

suebob, as an introvert, i can't write when i am unhappy. It seems that i am not the only one.

ortizzle, hi! How are you? Duct tape was not needed. yay!

mrs 4444, i hope so too. And Happy Birthday to your mom.

cheesy, yes, yes it will. I look so forward to it.

deb, hah! i like that.

ttq, i like snide. I am snide.

dick, i know, i should be better about appreciating what i have. Thank for the reminder.

irr, sadly, no. It's a new moon. Something hopeful about that, i hope.

QT said...

Hey - I'm in that mental place too! How come I haven't seen you around here yet?

Sari said...

I keep wondering when I will be grown up. Or when I will do the things I want to do. Or if I will.

I hope that you're feeling better by now, and can get to that nice Italian Place. And see Star Trek.

Sometimes family things, they just mess with us, don't they?

Cat said...

So have you gotten Italian, yet? Goodness woman, you have certainly earned it.

Hope this week is going better!

Brad said...

Ah! now I have an inkling - sorry sistah - sometimes the old genetic lottery doesn't always play out for us.

But what ever may have played out in the past ended up in a sum total that's pretty cool. (you)