Friday, April 08, 2011

An ever so brief respite

One of my gay boyfriends came over and spent last night with me. He brought a fun board game and a fifth of whiskey.

I didn't mess much with the whiskey, but we did have fun playing the board game.

Did you hear that?  Despite my ashen stomach and aching heart, i had fun.  It's a wonderful thing to spend time with people who love me.

Still feeling barely in control of myself today.  I don't really know what to do except to keep on doing the things that i do.  Being at home make me anxious.  Being away from home makes me anxious.  Coming home makes me anxious.  Leaving home makes me anxious.  Mornings make me sad and anxious.  Evenings make me sad and anxious.

What you are privy to here is a person very very close to the edge of losing it pretty much all the time.  But what happens if i lose it?  Then what?  Will it change anything?  Will he come and rescue me?  No, he will not.

Feeling overwhelmingly alone.  Thanks for listening.

22 comments:

JelliDonut said...

We are here for you.

fiwa said...

Yep, me too. Still listening to anything you care to say. Do you know, even the way you are feeling right now, you are STILL more interesting than 99% of the people I know?

meno said...

jelli, and how i appreciate it.

fiwa, wow. I must be really good at expressing inexpressible agony. :) Thank you, a nice compliment.

Steph said...

Aw, Meno...thinking about you. I hope things get easier soon.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

If you need to lose it, then I think you should let go and do it. That goes for anything that will help to clear out some of the bad feelings so there is more room for good ones.

When my heart was utterly broken (and IT HEALED!!! yes, it did!) I planted flowers every day for months. Each one represented tears, and I had one amazingly beautiful kick-ass garden that year. I also broke a lot of china, but the garden was much more satisfying.

mischief said...

People are amazingly resilient, no matter how heartbroken. We can get through unbelievably difficult things. You're already doing the right things... just keep doing them. Mother Theresa said "pain is never permanent" and I think this is true. The moments when you can still have fun, like last night, will get closer and closer together.

Lynnea said...

*hugs* listening and loving you

oh P.S. make sure you keep a costco sized amount of tissue boxes around - it helps believe me.

Anonymous said...

Suebob sent me over here. Glad you are getting professional help. Glad you feel you can share here. It will only help to put your feelings "on paper". The only thing I know for sure is that you will go through the 7 stages of grief as in any loss. Surround yourself with the support you need as you have been. Wishing you the best.

Sarah said...

I just caught up over here and I am so so sorry you are going through this. I'm impressed you are sharing here about it and leaning on others. Be patient with yourself, give yourself room to grieve and permission to lose your shit as much as you need to. You are not alone, as your friends have shown you. This is awful, truly awful, but the only way through it is through it, one foot in front of the other. One day after another. The pain will get easier and the moments of fun and even laughter will become more frequent, I promise.
Love & strength to you. Keep talking. Keep leaning. You will be OK. xo

Lilith said...

Maybe get mad? Just saying. Write it out, all of it and then burn it. You can get it out of your head that way. I burned all my wedding photos this morning. Didn't actually make me feel any better though. Sigh.

What I hate is that it just seems to go on for so long.

Sending hugs.

nick said...

I think you're doing the right things. Friendly company to distract you for a while. Keeping on doing what you do. Letting the feelings out, however painful and disturbing.

You may be close to the edge but I doubt if you'll lose it, you're too strong and resilient a person.

meno said...

steph, thanks. I hope so too.

hearts, i don't really know what losing it will looks like. Will i start to cry and never stop?

mischief, i wish it would hurry though. This sucks.

lynnea, thanks sweetie. <3

anon, thank you. I wouldn't survive without ALL the help, including good wishes.

hi sarah, nice to hear from you. Thank for the hugs. xo back.

lilith, i am waiting for the anger, perhaps i can't handle it right now and so am protecting myself. I don't look forward to it.

nick, thanks, i hope you are right.

mischief said...

meno, I hope the same for you, that the happy moments get closer together soon-soon-soon. Sending you warm wishes for strength and heart healing. *hugs*

Mels Place in Big Bear said...

Meno - This is such a rough time for you, but one thing I know in my heart of hearts of hearts is that your ex is going to have a much more difficult life long term. Don't think that leaving someone, whether or not he was happy in the relationship or not, sits right on his shoulders. It's the act of a coward. When you make a committment and you break it in favor of something easier (or someone in this case perhaps) you lose the opportunity to grow your soul because you're too busy growing your dxxk. This kind of character development is shameful, and while I don't wish your pain on anyone, I do know that you will come out far stronger. You are STRONG. Andrea. www.lifehappins.com (sorry about the Big Bear signaure.I can't fix that right now.)

lu said...

Losing it happens until you exhaust it. Least that's my experience.

Big Love and peaceful Mojo!

luckyzmom said...

Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss and wish for you to find comfort and strength.

Anger is the outward expression of sadness and depression. It might help to ease some of the pain. I want to suggest that you beat up his side of the bed with your pillow.

flutter said...

we will catch you if you lose it. you are going to be better than okay, you will be amazing

Nancy Dancehall said...

*tight hugs*

Anonymous said...

Suebob sent me over here...I'm about 7 months further along in the the process of the apocalyptic destruction of my 21 year marriage.

Oh, sister ~ how I wish I could wave a wand for both of us....

(He moved out of state two weeks ago to be with his girlfriend...leaving me with 100% of the care & responsibility for our teenaged kid, who has multiple special needs. We aren't even divorced yet. I'm better than I was a few months ago, but still sucks rocks.)

{{{hugs}}} ~ hang in there.

Princess in Galoshes said...

I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Not everyone would be able to write about what they're going through so painfully clearly like you are. I love your writing, I just don't love that you are hurting so badly.

Wish I could hug you in person. I don't even have good words to say, but I am out here listening and pulling for you.

Cat aka Princess in G

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I don't know what losing it looks like either. I have often thought that I would like to have a nervous breakdown, but don't know how.

Sending hugs in any event, and if you need a rock-throwing buddy or anything, I'm your man.

Sabra said...

well, looks like it would be easy to get a lynching party together, if the mood every strikes you....