Friday, April 22, 2011

The Panic

It comes, it goes.

I hate it when it comes.  I feel like my skin cannot hold me inside, and i am going to become a puddle of goo sliding on the the floor and never be able to re-form into me.


And then it goes, eventually, and left behind is low level panic.  It's not a pretty existence.


I know it's soon, less than 4 weeks.  Okay, who am i kidding, exactly 4 weeks tomorrow.  

I miss the relationship desperately.   Waking up in the morning, no ones knows if i am alive or dead.  Reading an article in the paper and thinking, "Hey, HE would like this."  And then, oh.... no one to share it with.


And getting home at night, and no one cares.  No one missed me or asks how was my day and what did i do.


I'm just letting you know what it's like.  If there are any good things, i am struggling to find them.

Oh, there is no pee on the toilets, or the floor.  That's nice.

17 comments:

Lilith said...

Baby steps woman.

That feeling of becoming a puddle of goo, sliding onto the floor and never being able to reform yourself, I've had that too. And survived.

Sending hugs.

JelliDonut said...

I know these feelings. I was there and came out of the other side. You will too.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

No pee on the toilets is a great start! We'll take what we can get at this point, and from this humble beginning, wonderful things will come.

How was your day and what did you do? I'm asking, and I know that the rest of your fan club wants to know, too.

nick said...

After 30 years with Jenny, I can't imagine what it would be like not to have that special person to share everything with. That must be tough.

lu said...

I hear you. It's just so fucking hard.

Hand to heart
Lu

De said...

I'm sorry that it hurts. Don't forget to breathe.

Gordo said...

Meno, are you a pet person? Some unconditional love sounds about perfect.

luckyzmom said...

We care.

meno said...

lilith, i know, and i am making those steps. And i know you know.

jelli, i am beginning to think you might be right. Just a glimmer.

hearts, there are a few other things too. No snoring. Today i went for a walk, got a haircut, am meeting a friend for coffee and then off to spend the night with another friend. Thanks for asking. <3

nick, i am happy that you have no idea. I hope it stays that way for you.

lu, yeah, you know. Somehow that helps.

de, breathing is one of the things i try to do when i am panicking. Sometimes it helps.

gordo, i am. I love animals. I have a cat, who is a real sweetheart. But not so good at the intellectual conversation.

luckyzmom, thank you for that. You are sweet. I know you do.

jaded said...

okay so I'm not waiting at the door when u arrive home....but I still want to know, "how are you and what did you do?"

Dick said...

I found those evenings home alone to be the hardest. I also have a cat and she was a help but as you said, it is hard to carry on a two way conversation with a cat. And TV really isn't much help.

But friends are wonderful. Go get involved with some things you have thought about doing in the past but didn't feel that you had time for. Find a place to volunteer some time. Stay open to new possibilities. It will take time but you will make it and likely will end up liking your new self even better than you did the old self. You are above ground, Spring seems to maybe finally be here. Go ahead and move on in your life. Go Girl!

Schmoopie said...

We care, Meno! Sending love and hugs to you on the eastside :)

Cat said...

Happy Easter! How was your day? Did you celebrate?

flutter said...

I have nothing i can say except that i am thinking of you. and i care

Bob said...

You are ever in my thoughts.

Scott from Oregon said...

Sounds to me like you need to fatten up a bit and come down and climb Mt. Shasta this summer...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I had a haircut, too, the other day. It is shaped like a Christmas tree and bulges oddly. I knew I was in trouble when he cut it in large sections in about 10 minutes and then spent over 45 on a blow dry, making it do things I can't. How did yours turn out?