Saturday, May 07, 2011

Old

This is getting old, even to me, especially to me, but i can do nothing but tell the truth.  

I am surviving.  I am getting through each day as best i can.  Yesterday, i picked my brother up at his work, and we went over to his house for dinner.  I had to have him drive as i sobbed bitterly the whole way.  I think i allowed myself to do that with him as i KNOW he loves me, and i could finally let loose after a day of going through the motions.


I know the man who left was not such a prize in many ways, it's not even about that. it's just that i miss having someone to share my life with, someone who asks how my day was and listens to the answer.


And there's all the new things, setting up a new e-mail account, figuring out how to back up my laptop, trying to get the Roku thing to work using one of the three fucking remote control thingies we have for the fucking tv.  Replacing cartridges in the printer and going online to order new ones.  Do you know how many god damned printers there are in this world?

There's no one to multi-task that shit with.  The collective memories that i used him as RAM for are gone.  If i forget it, it's gone.

Proudly helping Em work stuff out for her summer gig.  She did most of the work and i provided practical life experience and  encouragement.  Look what we can do together, with no help.  It's inspiring.

Went hiking today with a friend.  That was good.  But now here i am on a Saturday night, picking at a store-roasted chicken and waiting until it's a respectable time to go to bed.


That's the god damned truth of it.

20 comments:

jaded said...

The truth has a way of feeling damning when we are thinking about it…otherwise it seems to be just ether. When truth is good or neutral there isn't much reason to give it any thought.

Maybe you should cut yourself some slack on what you are going through. If this were happening to a friend, instead of yourself, would you will expect that friend to recover so quickly? I understand the desire to have the emotional strain over, as I am the same way with expectations of myself..but sometimes its good to extend the generosity to ourselves we are more willing to extend to others. Love yourself.

JelliDonut said...

Sometimes when we think people are listening, they're just going through the motions. And sometimes when we think they don't care they will take a bullet for us. It's cool that you're learning new stuff on your own.

nick said...

Having to do everything yourself is a big shock when you're used to sharing the load with someone else. But perhaps the plus side is that you'll discover a new sense of self-sufficiency and the extent of your own resources.

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

If there is an appropriate, healthy place for revealing one's truths, this is such a place to do it.

Been thinking of you, Meno. Hang tight.

Mrs. Chili said...

Honestly? This sounds pretty okay to me. You're doing it, and you're doing it fine. Cut yourself some slack.

Plus? There is NO shame in store-roasted chicken. In fact, I think they're yummier than what I make at home. Just sayin'.

meno said...

jaded, i know you are right, i should cut myself some slack, but i am just so tired of feeling scared and sad.

jelli, and i am apparently unable to tell the difference. Yet.

nick, i hope so. I get by with a little help from my friends.

cagey, i'm kind of melting all over the page aren't i? Thank you. It matters.

mrs. chili, i will try. the panic is just undoing me.

luckyzmom said...

Everything is going to be okay.

mischief said...

My experience with heartbreak is that is that it heals slowly. So slowly that you do not really notice that you feel better day by day. It's just that some night when you're lying in bed trying to fall asleep and going over your day in your mind, suddenly you think, Hmm I didn't cry today; that's interesting. And it seems like nothing, but it's actually something big you once thought would never happen again. But it does, it always does. *hugs*

Nancy Dancehall said...

*hugs* Happy Mother's Day, Meno. You're one of the best.

lu said...

Everyday one day, one hour at a time.

This morning I fixed my garbage disposer all by myself. I thought of you.

Little steps get us there.

Love,
Lu

De said...

Listening. Understanding. Wishing I had even a lame suggestion to make things better.

Cheesy said...

Sending you a hug... baby steps dear lady.

andrea frazer said...

I have been keeping up with you and thinking of you so much. I know it's no consolation, but someone in L.A. loves you and is supporting you! Andrea

Stucco said...

Call Schmoopie. She listens, and is amazing in limitless ways. It cant change what happened, but may help your mood.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You should try to be proud of yourself because you really are managing, even when it doesn't feel like it. You are learning to do things you've never had to do before, and the more self-sufficient you become, the more likely your next partner will love you as much for your strength as for all your many other amazing qualities. Growing pains hurt, but growing is always beneficial.

Cat said...

For what it's worth (not much) we eat store-roasted chicken nearly once a week. It's better than the chicken I make. I think about you all the time. Congrats on getting through this day by day...it's got to be excruciatingly slow. Love from Colorado.

Lilith said...

Glad you went for a hike.

Go buy yourself an electric screwdriver, very empowering. My kids bought me a pink one for Christmas, it's faster than my ex husband and doesn't make me feel like shit:)

Just saying.

secret agent woman said...

Here via Nick. My heart goes out to you. I found myself going through a divorce a few years ago and blogged my way through it. The support was enormously helpful as were my non-blog friends. It's disorienting, though - there is so much you rely on with a spouse. But I can tell you that four years later, although I do very much hope to be in a full-time partnership again one day, I have discovered strengths and abilities I would have never guessed I had. Pain can be fertile ground, even though it sucks utterly to go through it.

andrea frazer said...

Thinking of you today. You are stronger than you know. Andrea

Schmoopie said...

Come over and hang out with Stucco. He's hilarious and will make you laugh, guaranteed!

Or come over and have a glass of wine and share your thoughts/burdens with us.