Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Same Old Shit

I cried today, in the grocery store, and then in the car on the way home.  It's been a while since i cried, but apparently i am not done grieving.

I had a random memory:

The time he came home after going out "for a drive" and rushed back to his closet to change his shirt before he greeted me.  When i asked WTF? he told me that he had smoked a cigarette and didn't want me to know.  He was trying to quit smoking at the time, so i bought it.  I bought it.  I believed him.

As we now know, this was a lie.

And in remembering it, i was infused with rage.  How could he look me in the eye and tell me that bullshit?  How DARE he?  I want to go back in time and crush his skull with my bare hands.  (If you think i am exaggerating, you are wrong.) This overwhelming feeling of helpless rage is awful.  What do i do with this rage?  How will i ever get rid of it?  I do not know.

And so i cried.

11 comments:

Magpie said...

((hugs))

Anne said...

This suggestion may be of absolutely no use at all, but in case it is--
If it had been termites, or bedbugs, or a broken water heater that flooded the basement and everything stored there--or, say,a melanoma diagnosis, followed by prompt excision and clear margins--I think you'd be very sorry it happened, but also relieved that you'd discovered it as soon as you did. It's too bad that it happened at all, and since it did happen, of course you'd much rather you'd discovered it sooner, but, on the other hand--it could have gone on longer, and, if it had, it could have gotten still worse. Much, much worse--and, that you have avoided.

It won't get worse, because you discovered it, and you dealt with it.
And that is a very good thing.

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

You have every right to grieve and to be furious. I wish I had wise words about moving on, but I am the sort of person who stews.

Hugs to you, Meno!

Deb said...

Sending hugs.

When my ex-husband and I sold our house and he left me with the last bits to clean up I cleaned with a vengeance. I was so fucking mad, until I realized I was sad and then I burst into tears.

Marshamlow said...

I am so glad you are blogging again. I missed you very much. I am sending good thoughts your way.

mischief said...

I have heard it said that a breakup is mourned somewhat like a death. I almost wonder if a death is easier to mourn in that there is more closure.

luckyzmom said...

Crying is never bad. If nothing else, it gets rid of bad toxins. You could also try fluffing your pillows with your fists or something (baseball bat or...). And if you have a picture of him, tape it up somewhere and throw stuff at it, like tennis balls, darts....be creative! I'm not even kidding.

Lu said...

You have a perfect right to your outrage. I'm outraged after godknowshowmany years...

Fuckers.


I'm so glad that your daughter is sweet. Oh, what I would give for less anxiety and fear for my boys futures! I love you!

Therese said...

I think you're doing just what you need to do to get through your helpless rage. You're feeling it. You're mourning the passing of your old life. This process goes at it's own pace; your only job is to not hinder it by ignoring it or fuel it by excessively wallowing.

Two weeks ago through a strange series of events I found myself sitting in a room with "the other woman" that my childhood best friend destroyed their family for. Leaving my friend's mother, Chris, bereft, drunk, and so so angry. The other woman told me that about six years into their marriage Chris sent them a letter saying she forgave them: that she could not live her own life until she did. It must have worked on some level, the other woman and I were both attending Chris's father's memorial.
Feel this pain, Meno. If you run from it, it will only chase you to ground like a rabid dog. Sit and let it go through you like water, even if it hurts.
And just keep marching. This desert burns but you have all the supplies you need to cross it. It will just take time.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have caught up with your posts, but am simply too sad and weary myself to comment. I just wanted you to know that I care, I think you're amazing, and I send love.

Lynnea said...

You said, "crush his skull with my bare hands," and I thought:

Don't call me a sissy

(I hope my html worked. If it didn't just go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwR7zTdN3Nc)