Annual Joke Post
Em told me this joke this morning:
A woman goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she'd like. "I'd like a Double Entendre please." So her gave her a stiff one.
This from my 16 year old.
As a blatant rip off of Prairie Home Companion's annual joke show, i'm going to try it here. This will prove once and for all that i have no pride or sense of propriety. There should be something to offend everyone here. Here are a few of my favorite stupid jokes:
Q: How do you circumcise a whale?
A: Four skin divers.
Q: What did the salmon say when he ran into a cement wall?
A: Dam!
(Em told me this one when she was 6.)
Q: Why do lawyers* wear neckties?
A: To keep their foreskins from covering their heads.
*use whatever profession you like, doctors, accountants, newspaper columnists, i bear no particular ill-will towards lawyers.
Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (glaring) That's NOT FUNNY!
Oh please oh please leave me your favorite stupid joke, or two. God knows i need some new material.
37 comments:
Too funny! I have several 'bad' jokes, but I wont post here!
My favorite is an English Teacher Joke:
A new freshman is wandering around the campus of Harvard, and he’s good and lost. He makes a decent stab at finding where he wants to be, but eventually breaks down and stops a student to ask directions.
“Excuse me? Can you tell me where the library’s at?” the freshman asks.
The upperclassman looks haughtily at the freshman and snobbily replies “Here at Hah-vard, we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
The freshman squares his shoulders and says “Alright, then; where’s the library at, ASSHOLE!”
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
Q: Do you know how fat yo mama is?
A: Yo mama is so fat that when she walked in front of the TV, I missed two seasons of my favorite show. (courtesy of Twelve)
A mosquito walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?" (this double entendre is for Em)
"Knock, knock"
"Who's there"
"Yo mama"
"Yo mama who?"
"Don't you know who yo mama is?" (courtesy of Ten)
from the girl: how do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.
A piece of string goes into a bar- the bartender says 'We don't serve strings here.'
The string goes outside ties himself into a knot and messes up his hair. He goes back in the bar and the bartenders says 'hey aren't you that string that was in here a while ago?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Can't think of any right now... But I'll probably wake up at 3 am thinking of a great one!
toni, not even one???? They can't be worse than mine.
mrs.chili, ha ha, i love that!
patches, :) I'll have to tell that one to the Mister. Thanks.
lynn, kids are so funny with the jokes! I'll pass those on to Em. We love stupid jokes around here.
u-u, i love pun jokes too. That's cute. And thanks to your brilliant kids.
abigail, i'll be waiting!
Do you know the difference between a sucker (fish) and an attorney?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
*groan*
(Must say this one out loud):
A man walks into a shrink's office and says, "Doc! You gotta help me. Every night I dream the same thing. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, it goes on all night!"
The doc responds, "Well it's obvious. You're two tents!"
And for the existential:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Good way to start the day, which actually started at 11:30 last night and kept on going. Sick, sick kids. I'm so giddy, these will keep me laughing all day & I'd better not operate any heavy machinery.
Enzo cracks himself up: Knock Kno-ock. Who's there? Truck! Chee-hee-hee. (Works on me every time, because what is funnier than a 20 month old boy?)
lol. I got not funnies of my own. I am enjoying the ones you put up and all the ones in the comments. :)
Ok I only ever remember one joke. here goes:
There is this guy and he wants a tattoo on his penis. He has his girlfriend's name: Wendy tattooed on it. When he is limp only the W and y show. When he is hard her whole name appears. One day he is at the gym and sees a tall Jamaican man with a W and a y on his limp penis also. First man says, hey I have a tattoo like that, does it say Wendy when erect? The Jamaican says, No mahn, it say: Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.
Damn, someone stole my 'bar tender' joke!
I have one like Maggie, only the tattoo visibly says "Joe's Bar and Grill, Chattanooga, Tennessee."
Other than that, I got nuthin'.
I don't know too many silly jokes.. but this one made me chuckle: :)
It was a solemn occasion, planning Mom's funeral, and us kids were gathered around the kitchen table
deciding who would preside, who would give the Eulogy and especially what music would be played.
"Mom loved the Bee Gees", said John the eldest, and the rest of us nodded our heads in agreement. Looking around at the consensus he went on "Are we all agreed then, that we'll play Bee Gees music at the funeral?"
Again, we all silently nodded our heads, except for Sis, who suddenly burst into gales of laughter. We all looked at her in disbelief, as she'd taken Mom's death the hardest ...
"I guess we won't be playing 'Staying Alive', though, will we?"
she asked ...
~*~
Well, it's the only clean one I could come up with in the moment.
:)
Peace,
~Chani
Great. I only ever can remember two jokes, and I'll tell you the musician one:
Why is the singer knocking at the door?
First she didn't find the key and then she didn't know where to come in.
When my daughter was four, her best friends were a set of twins from Ireland. One day, Brian told the two girls a "joke:"
"Bisquick! Your pants are on fire!"
The next day, his sister Maeve went around telling anyone who would listen, "Nabisco! Your pants are on fire."
OK, I've got one now, thanks to the sore throat popsicles:
What washes up on really small beaches?
Microwaves.
Maggie - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
laurie, always love a new lawyer joke!
nancy, groan! Two tents. I did read it out loud too. The monkey one made me laugh out loud.
d-man, i know you have a good joke in that twisted brain of yours! C'mon.
de, i am sorry your kids are sick, but i'm glad that we all made you laugh. Little kids telling jokes are a riot.
sanjay, i'll bet you have one somewhere. Don't be shy.
maggie, ha ha ha haha ha *snort* That's awesome. I can't wait to pass that along.
mona, ask your kids, they always have new material.
chani, that's funny! No need to stay clean here.....
susanne, i've never heard that one. It's great! Thanks.
hearts, that's really precious.
de, you're back! Excellent, i will be sure to use that the next time i want to make Em roll her eyes.
mrs.chili, that's a good one huh?
all, one more from me:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Pamela Anderson, this is a bust!
Sorry.
A man has a priapism for going onto 4 days. He can't stand it any longer. He puts on a loose-fitting coat and goes to the drugstore. He walks up to the counter in back, sees a female druggist and asks if he could see the male druggist. The woman replies, "My sister and I are both licensed pharmacists and have been running this drug store for 15 years. We went to the same schools as male pharmacists and got the same training as male pharmacists. I would deem it a courtesy if you would treat me as a professional and not as a woman." so the priapic man shrugs, opens his coat and asks "What can you give me for this"? The pharmacist asks him to wait a moment and walks into the office. A few minutes later she comes back out and says "My sister and I will give you $600 and a 1/3 interest in the store".
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...
yeah, right.
A guy walks into a bar and says:
Hey, Jackass bring me a beer!
He finishes his beer and says:
Hey, Jackass bring me another beer!
This goes on for awhile, with the man always calling the bartender Jackass, a guy sitting down the bar says to the bartender:
Why does he call you jackass?
Bartender says: Hee Haw Hew Haw always calls me that!
Dave was very depressed. He ran into his friend Jon. Jon asked him what was wrong.
"I'm just depressed and can't get over the fact that I have three balls."
"Three balls? You're DEPRESSED? Dude, we can make a *fortune* with this!" Jon exclaimed.
"How do we do that?"
"We go from bar to bar, and bet everyone that between you and the bartender you've got five balls. It can't miss!"
Dave brightens up and off they go.
They get to the first bar, make friends with some of the strangers at the bar, then made the annoucement, "I'll bet anyone that between the bartender and my friend Dave, they've got five balls." Jon announced.
Almost everyone rushed up to place their bets.
Jon turned to the bartender and said, "You don't mind if we use you on this, do you?"
The bartender said, "Not at all. In fact, I'm very impressed."
"Yeah?" Jon asked, "How come?"
"Well, I've never met a man with *4* balls before."
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "do you mind it when you get shit on your fur?" The rabbit says "no, it's okay" so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
What do you call a person who graduated last in their class from Medical School?
A Doctor.
Lauren - I've heard a slightly different version of your joke:
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Does shit stick to your fur?" The Rabbit responds "No" so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
I like those bear/rabbit jokes!
Urban-urchin told my dad's old favorite, the "I'm a frayed knot" joke, so that leaves me with my kid's favorite knock-knock joke:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?
Do you know what the blonde said when her doctor told her that she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it is mine?"
A shy man is sitting in a plane reading his paper, when the most sexy woman he has ever seen sits down right next to him.
Looking at the empty seats around him, he has a burst of confidence and says hello. She hello back, stating that she's on her way to a nymphomania convention where she will lecture on the myths of sex.
Intrigued, he asks for examples from her research. She gives him three."Well, did you know, contrary to the belief about black men, that Jews have the biggest dicks on earth?"
He shook his head. She continued, "American Indians have the best stamina on the planet, and Mexicans give women the strongest orgasms."
She extended her hand to him. "I'm Sally." He shook it tentatively, then offered, "Hola, I'm Tonto Goldberg."
bob, did you notice how many our our jokes have to do with penes? (It's a word, plural of penis.) That's funny.
princess, guffawing! As if.
ttq, that one would do well with the sound effects. i can just hear it in my head.
patches, Did Lance Armstrong tell you that one? Ohhh, that was mean. :)
lauren, somehow, despite the subject, that's cute!
lisa, ooooh, more scary than funny!
bob, telling jokes is like playing telephone. It changes a bit each time.
orange, a perfect joke for you! Thanks.
dick, i love blonde jokes, despite the fact that i used to be one.
mamap, ha ha. Most excellent. I;m passing that one on.
Do they have to be clean? Cause you know I have trouble with that. ;)
Go here for my two favorite jokes of all time:
http://pickledbeef.blogspot.com/2006/01/two-crude-jokes.html
My favourite:
Why does Edward Woodward have four Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar.
Oh!! And:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
tink, cleanness is not a requirement. The only jokes i don't care for are rape jokes and dead baby jokes. Thanks for the link. Some of the comments were a riot too.
antonia, i knew you couldn't resist chiming in. Love the jokes. I will be telling the Mister the Philip Glass one posthaste.
A big moron and a little moron are on a roof, and the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little one?
because he was a little more on!
*runs away from the tomatoes*
...please where can I buy a unicorn?
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