In which i complain
1) This morning some pin-headed, shit-brained, low-life, scum sucking slime-infested, unfed burp of a human being washed his/her car and hosed the residue directly into the lake, causing a soapy streak to appear in the the water and this foamy crap to wash up on our beach. Dirt bag. Lame brain. Haven't these people heard of the environment?
The Mister had a place made to wash cars in back of our garage that is gravel covered so that any soap can filter through the gravel and the ground before the water reaches the lake. And then he further helps the environment by taking the cars to a car wash anyway. What a guy!
2) Why do women who are damned near 80 years old (hi mom) (no, my mom does not know about or read my blog) insist upon dying their hair jet black? It looks ridiculous and fools NO ONE. Do you hear me? No one!
3) You know those mag lite flashlights? The one that take 4 D cell batteries? And weigh about 20 pounds? The Mister dropped ours on his big toe yesterday. There was copious bleeding (and swearing for that matter) and i thought for a while that he might have broken his toe. His entire foot puffed up and turned purple. It's better today, thanks for asking.
4) So you are a large breasted woman, and you are wearing a bra that doesn't adequately hide the fact that you are cold. Please, for the love of all that is decent, make sure your headlights are both pointing in the same direction. The person i am referring to looked like she was cross-eyed, except a little lower. Yeeps!
Okay, all done now. :)
45 comments:
I will use the burp of a person comment a lot today. thanks. Oh, and thanks for the reminder to adjust myself often! I forget.
Those lights are actually weapons.
this kind of post really gets me going, thinking of all the things I could add...how about the girl who is just a smidge larger than that tiny little belly shirt dictates.
my thoughts are racing now. although, that's nothing unusual after reading your blog, you always get me thinking
ha ha. This morning I couldn't think of anything to post about (still. again.), and I thought, how does Meno do it? I live such a sheltered life.
Ouch...on the toe.
Can you imagine if she HAD been adjusting the cross eyed headlights when you walked by? I frequently adjust in my office, but I have cameras to make sure no one it about to come in!
1. I'm sorry that I dumped my latte foam in your lake. (burp!)
2. bec. all over color is cheap from the box?
3. ouch! poor Mister!
4. lemme get to fixin' these here milkers straight away.
I'll make sure mine are always aligned with each other.
my sympathies to TheMister(tm).
I am actually glad to see that someone else is in this kind of mood, too.
loved the rant. were those err lights of mass ditraction?
Loved the rant. Wouldn't it be fun to scoop up all the soap scum and deposit it on your car washing neighbors front door step along with a note saying, I found this on my beach and beleive it belongs to you.
Thanks for the reminder to adjust my crosseyed headlights! Usually the hubs reminds me, but with him deployed I am probably walking around making people talk!
Somebody woke up a cranky bear only to find that the somebody else had pissed in your cheerios.
Let's make fun and bitch at more things now! Please? *hands clapping*
Um, wait. They need adjusting? Omigod, who knew? Life is so complicated.
Sending good thoughts to the Mister's foot.
And bad ones to the scumbucket who upchucked beer foam in your lake.
1).It wasn't me who dumped soapy water into your lake... I promise. 2). Probably they are married to men with the 'comb over'. 3). Ouch! 4). I don't have that problem...sigh
Years ago, I saw a woman on Jeopardy with her nipples all crazy unaligned. I imagined her getting home and watching the tape - her face falling as she realized...God, I'm still all upset on her behalf.
When you hurt your foot, or toe or whatever, it's like it gets magnetized. Every heavy object in the house is drawn to it. It's guaranteed that if I break my little toe, I will then hit that same toe on every lawn chair, bed frame, and coffee table in the tri-state area. My kids know lots of curse words.
my pool, always happy to give you a new insult to use. Just get a lined bra, then they can point any way they fall.
d-man, i have a friend who traveled across the continent on a motorcycle. He took a mag light as his defense. They are wicked.
holly, yeah, and the FLH (Female Love Handles) spilling over the top of the not quite big enough pants!!
de, i can always find something to bitch about. It's a gift. :)
v, as she was walking towards me, i began to get cross-eyed myself.
liv, so it was YOU! That was one hell of a big latte. My mom has someone else color her hair, it can't be that.
bob, thank you for that. Or you could offer to adjust them for other people. "Here, let me fix those for you!"
suebob, i am always up for a good bitch session.
sanjay, they sure were distracting! I like it.
marsha, oh what a satisfying idea.
toni, was it you i saw?
ttq, bitch, it's who i am and what i do.
hearts, just wear a lined bra, then there's no issue. Of course, then who would we talk about?
Oooooo, a bit snarky. But I love it. Get it all out right here.
Doesn't it feel better to let all that out?! ;) I'm with you on the lak thing though, that sucks and the perpetratot should be forced to suck it up with a straw... As for nipple alignment, I swear that had never occurred to me - ever. I just make sure they don't show!
man! ha, im not laughing at you. just the fact that all of this happened around the same time. bad luck that day!
i totally agree with the black hair dye thing!
hope today is better!
I hate when older women dye their hair unnatural colors. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. The big color around here is red or orange. It looks like we're having a clown convention.
LOL!! That's really funny!
Here's another one for you: Heavyset women who wear polyester pants that cling to every single bump she might have.
Don't these people have mirrors?
And that's my gripe for today.
When all else fails, I return to the idiots who insist that we all share their musical tastes while driving, including causing the windows in the front of my house to vibrate.
Now if I wasn't who I am, standing for the things I stand for, I could easily say such people should be shot.
But.. I wouldn't think of it. :)
Peace,
~Chani
Black hair dye, and RED hair dye that turns that weird shade of pinky-orange on white hair.
My mom (in her mid-60)s still dyes her hair light red. It fools people even less.
Plus, the requisite blue eyeshadow and red lipstick (there are no other colors in her world) are just the bow on the package.
Poor mom. I don't think she'll ever change.
OMG - I had to laugh at this. Why oh why do people not wear lined bras? Jesus.
As for your neighbor, I hope a bird pooped on their car the second they pulled out of the driveway...then they can drive to the carwash!
Hope the toe gets better soon.
And I don't imagine your neighbour used bio-friendly soap either, eh? I can't stand when people wash their hair with regular shampoo in a lake.
It used to be the Blue rinse crowd that was older ladies' claim to fame!
Hope the Mr.'s toe is on the mend.
This reminded me of the time I was wearing a bra in which I hadn't noticed that I had somewhat recently outgrown and while out and about with my son B, one of my guys popped right out for a peek. My son looked down at his feet and said, "Mom, Mom, put it back in." I was confused, looked down toward his feet and on the way down saw the problem. Quickly reinserted Mr. Escapee and off we went, two red-faced Moss people shopping at Walmart. Poor scarred kid.
Snarky is necessary - if you don't get it out, you'll explode.
*snort* Still laughing at your post and Maggie's response.
The GM dies her over-permed hair jet black. She's 85. She has about 6 matching wigs as well. It's soooo gross. And she delights in telling D she wishes she had his curly hair, just WAITING for someone to take the bait.
Oh what a list. Do I have to pick just one?
#1 Yup. #2 Double yup. #3 I thought I heard repetitive swearing beyond my zip code. #4 Just wait until you got to the airport later this month. I'm just sayin'
Condolences to the Mister. I had a similar experience involving a bench vice, and an 18 volt drill, but apparently I'm a faster dancer. No you really don't want to know. And yes, I was completely sober.
lynn, married to men with comb-overs. ha ha good one! Although my dad doesn't have a comb over. Be glad that you don't have this issue with the headlights.
capacious, and to have it captured on live TV like that. OMG! The Mister is keeping well away from coffee tables and other things that like to leap out at him.
lucia, the sad fact about me, is that i AM snarky. I admit it. Except for the pinhead with the soap, who deserves it.
platypus, it hadn't really occurred to me until i saw this sight...it was coming towards me...they were cross-eyed. Auugghh.
brookem, you are too laughing at me! I need to do a fashion intervention with my mom.
tink, do you see your future in those clowns??? Huh? Do you?
chani, WHITE polyester pants so that we can see every dimple and ripple. *shudder* I'll shoot them for you.
bad mother. don't you just want to go up to them and ask them if they own a mirror?
princess, let me guess, she won't listen to a thing you say about it and keeps telling you how pretty you would be with just a smidge of blue eye shadow.
qt, i know! Lined bras are where it's at baby. I hope a whole flock of geese (they have big poop) shat upon the car.
moi, i imagine not, not with that amount of foam. Jerk! I guess the old ladies' motto is now "When i am old, i shall wear purple hair."
maggie, an attempted escape! i'm still laughing! Start saving for therapy for your son now.
sari, i like that theory.
nancy, all the better to fit into that wicked witch of the west persona.
patches, Did you learn any new swear words from the Mister? i'm keeping my blinders on at the airport.
ms.chica, Hissing in sympathy. Who knew that we need to wear steel-toed shoes at all times?
Eeek - for ALL of them (but especially the flashlight on the toe - those things can be used as weapons, you know - there's a reason they're that heavy). I'm still laughing about the cross-eyed NERTS. That's pretty funny (but only if it's not you...)
I try to keep my headlights aligned but sometimes they have a mind of their own. LOL. My friend and I were just discussing this and I told her I need some of those formed bars with a thin layer so I don't broadcast the fact I am cold or that my headlights are not the exact same size.
I'll keep my headlights line if you don't mind if I reach in to adjust them from time to time.
As for washing cars, if you have to own a car, you shouldn't wash it.
Now if only I could come up with a politically correct reason for the inside of my car to be dirty...
Re: Big boobie nipplage going willy nilly...
I thought I was the only one who noticed!!! Or the ones who wear a bra that is too small and they fall out from the middle treating us all to the dreaded quadra-boob? OY!!
Oh great...now I can't get that image from #4 out of my mind. Oh...and having done that flashlight dropping thing myself, I sure hope The Mister's toe recovers nicely.
I could not stop laughing at these!!
And I've seen 80 year olds with PURPLE hair!!! As if that's natural!
You know- there is a potential business model there. An alignment station where women can get precision adjustments with laser levels and protractors and stuff. That way these unfortunate ladies won't drift to the right or left when they leave.
meno, the nonstop observer to the world.
i so don't understand washing a car into the lake.
mrs.chili, i think it's unkind of you to laugh when i was traumatized by the sight!
janice, since i discovered those bras, i never have to stop to re-align, or worry of i am advertising my nipples to the world. They are just so friendly that they want to come out and play. :)
biscotto, why not? men reach in to adjust themselves all the time. Go for it. The inside of your car is filthy because you wouldn't dream of throwing any litter out the window. How's that?
flutter, we could stage a bra intervention!
joan, happy to provide you with a visual to help you enjoy your day. :)
airam, what CAN they be thinking? Really?
stucco, i was expecting you to offer your services as an manual aligner. It's a win/win.
jen, sometimes i wish i didn't notice this stuff. And a pox upon the soaper.
1. the soap thing is a completely a**hole move. They should be whipped.
2. You mean that color isn't natural??
3. Glad he survived.
4. Once I stop laughing I might have some less-than-witty comment for this too.
1. we help the environment by never washing the car
2. blue hair and pink hair on those same senior citizens should be outlawed as well.
3. we use it when we are investigating bumps in the night- to beat the crap out of intruders
4. we call this smuggling raisins.
I love old ladies with cotton-candy hair—the kind that looks apricot or lavender. Of course, they have to be strangers. If an old woman was related to me and went for pastel hair, I'd have to have her moved to a home.
I recently saw a woman in khaki capris so tight, the cellulite bumpiness cast shadows on her ass and thighs. I'm terribly afraid that the fabric wasn't a knit, that her pants were just that tight.
I usually don't wear lined bras, and I don't always tend to alignment issues. (I should, huh?) At least I cross my arms when I'm cold.
lol...I am often that woman! It sucks. I try hard to align my nipples properly, but as I move around my boobs sometimes readjust themselves without my realizing it.
I appologize on behalf of all large-breasted cross-nip's everywhere.(. )( *)
em, 1.COMPLETELY! douche bag! 2. You can tell for sure by checking the pubes, if you are that brave. 3. me too! We are going hiking this weekend and i hate to leave him behind. 4. Let me know...
u-u, 1. that is so sweet of you. That's my strategy too, but the Mister has some pride thing about it. Whatever. 2. Any of the blue-pink range has got to go. 3. It would do the job. 4. Ha ha ha. I never heard that! Thanks.
orange, i think moving them to a home is a fine idea. That sight sounds like a horror. Did you do her the favor of telling her? No? Arm crossing is a sure sign of a chill.
rachel, you could have some fun with it. Make them look right one day and left the next. Love your graphic.
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