NOW who's whining?
Fight with the Mister. My fault. I let something go too long and then blew up about it so that he felt ambushed. Not cool. Wonder if i will ever learn.
But really, i have trouble knowing what to just let go and what to bring up. Much of the stuff that bugs me i just let go, because it's stupid. For example, i dislike how when the Mister gets home he stands in the kitchen and yells "Hello" until i answer. It shatters the quiet of the house. When i come home, i go and find him, i wish he would do the same.
But i've never told him this, because it's not really important. Or maybe it is.
But really, i have trouble knowing what to just let go and what to bring up. Much of the stuff that bugs me i just let go, because it's stupid. For example, i dislike how when the Mister gets home he stands in the kitchen and yells "Hello" until i answer. It shatters the quiet of the house. When i come home, i go and find him, i wish he would do the same.
But i've never told him this, because it's not really important. Or maybe it is.
I blew up when he spilled wine on the carpet, and then complained about our glasses. He liked these glasses before, but then he started criticizing them and saying that they cause him to fumble. So use the real wine glasses dude!
But that was just the trigger, the bullet was already full of gunpowder waiting to explode. I am tired of him complaining so much. To my mind, he does it a lot.
- The weather isn't sunny enough for him to go and take pictures on the weekend. (And then when it is he doesn't go anyway. )
- He hates his job most of the time. Many details are given, repeatedly.
- Both his big toenails are falling off due to some too small hiking boots. He's bummed, repeatedly. (I should post a picture, it is soooo gross.)
- Em is disrespectful to him.
- He's tired.
- And on and on.
I usually just listen. But this time i got pissed and went to the weapons-grade yelling with my response. It all came out, how i wish he would stop complaining so much and being so cranky so much.
If you think about it, it's amusing that i was yelling at him, whilst accusing HIM of being cranky. Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture.
I think i don't tell him about the things that bug me sometimes because if i tell him and he still does it, it will make me feel like he doesn't care. And that would make me mad.
This treatise on Happily Ever After was brought to you by meno.
45 comments:
Okay, Im not saying I handle this type of thing well either, but reading this post is like looking in a mirror.
Just the same, there are times when complaining is nothing more than venting. Venting because he trusts you and because you are his partner. BTW, don't think of it as exploding, you just exercised your reciprocal right to vent back :)
The Funasuarus was surly tonight because he only (ONLY!) got about four hours of PlayStation in today, before I asked him to please help clean the house already for HIS sister who is coming in to town.
I handled it as passively agressively as possible, which, you know, always leads to good outcomes.
As Ms. Chica said, you are not alone by a long shot.
Valium.
That's quite the double edged sword. Bummer.
That one is a bit rough because the constant complaining can become really difficult to handle. On the other hand, he probably has no other outlet for it. You know how workplaces are. Show a bit of weakness and they pounce like rabid dogs.
Maybe he could at least modulate it a bit? Go to the gym and get it out that way?
Peace,
~Chani
It's funny how these things are.
I used to HATE that I would come home and have to yell to MrStapler "Hello." In my mind, a civilized person, upon hearing their partner arrive home, COMES to greet them with a sweet smile and a kiss. I would yell and yell for him, THEN have to go find him and he would glare at me. It just ruined my day all the time. I thought HE was being an asshole.
ms.chica, you and i are not sentimental women. But right now, i really love you.
princess, you are ready to be married. Thos proves it.
stucco, if only i had some.... Wine?
airam, I just met a girl named airam, and suddenly it seems.... Yeah, double-edged.
chani, if you only knew how many times i have begged him to get som damned exercise. It's the one thing that works for me.
suebob, i see the other side of this, and if i am in the room when he comes in, i do greet him with a hug and a kiss. But, yeah, i hate being shouted at.
My husband does the shouting thing too, and while I am cooking his dinner he will tell me things from three rooms away in what I consider a shout. Drives me so bonkers. I drive him bonkers in a lot of ways too.
Right now I am in a place where all those little quirks that sometimes make me want to run away from home are cute and sweet. I wonder why sometimes it makes me so mad that I scream and other times it is kind of sweet?
This is my first visit to your blog, and I had to comment. It's good to know that married life is similar in most cases. I'm less likely to end up in jail as long as I know others go through the same headache as me. hehe.
Sometimes it is just all the little things that irritate us and they mount up to a whole lot until they run over the top of the barrel. Hope you cleared the air enough for some positive things/changes or whatever needs to happen.
Ok Suebob cracked me up. I am just like you Meno, if I'm reading or the babies are actually quiet, why in the world would I want my rare peace shattered while being yelled at like a puppy to come? I didn't think there could be another valid side to this, until I read Suebob's comment. Amazing the perspective issue.
As for your vent session, I so identify with it. *Sigh* We sure got sold a load of bull when they told us all those stories ended with happy ever after...
Isn't EVERYONE'S marriage a little like this?!
Communication is HARD. GOOD communication is damned near impossible. We do the best we can with what we have to work with, and hope that the odds lean in our favor. Really, the fact that you're self-aware enough to even DO this kind of thinking is approaching miraculous - you'd be shocked (and more than a little scared) by how many people never stop to consider what they're actually doing - or why they're doing it.
And please: if you're going to post gross pictures, give us a head's up and stick it at the bottom of a post. Please?
After reading all these comments, I am relieved to see that my marriage is quite normal.
There are some days, when my husband does something and I think "Great, I have to live with this for the rest of my life?". Then, there are other days when my husband does something and I think "Great, I get to live with this for the rest of my life?"
I guess if the 2nd statement outnumbers the first, I am doing fairly well in the grand scheme of things, eh?
My husband seems to have all of his best thoughts in the morning before I've even opened my eyes. And he's not too shy to share them. We can go hours of an evening without saying a word, but then morning comes. And every morning, I wake up to a complete 3rd degree grilling, and every morning, I wake up irritated, with little or no clue as to how I may have responded to his rapid fire litany, much less what I may have committed myself to in a state of grogginess just to get him to SHUT.UP.
*sigh*
But I still love the big dolt. :-)
Oopsie, somebody shook the bottle of champagne and it exploded when opened. The fizz will go down and the rest will be fine.
marsha, we are all guilty of the shouting thing in this house, at times. I try to remember to go to the person i want to tell something, but i don't always. Sweet huh? I hope you stay there.
batgirl, welcome. No, killing them is a bad idea. I tell my daughter that i'd be in jail, her dad would be dead, and she'd be all alone, so i try to restrain myself.
moi, yeah, i let off some steam. But i would have gotten listened to better if i had been calmer.
maggie, it is great isn't it? To hear another side! What? your marriage isn't all love all the time? that's odd. :)
mrs.chili, i'm puzzled, it's a picture of some grafitti on a bench??????? You are right that many people don't take the effort to understand their impact on others. They just want to see one side.
cagey, oh yeah, you are normal. I love those two perspectives. Some days it's fun. and then there are those other days.
In a perfect world we would all sing in tune.
It sounds like you both had something to get off your chests.
I just read an article that talks about focusing on the positive stuff -- making an effort to do the thoughtful stuff that will be appreciated and in so doing, hopefully put less emphasis/shift the balance of the other crap that we all do just b/c we are human dealing with other humans.
Also, and I don't fully understand it, there's some sort of "systems theory" thing in relationships. I was critiquing myself in my last relationship; I was too much THIS WAY. And therapist said that in the absence of any of it from the other partner, partner A compensates by doing more of it than normal or necessary to achieve the balance becuase systems always balance out. I need to have her explain it to me more. If he'd shared more inner angst, I'd have shared less? But how does that ever work if the person isn't inclined? Do you just acknowledge the way the balance has worked out?
[Meno: I think Ms. CHili was referring to your threat to post pics of the hubby's toenails...]
Geez...and here I thought I was the only one who keeps things bottled up until I explode over something small. Hubby will look at me and let me know he knows something is annoying me (even though I wont discuss it with him) and that only makes me even more upset. And at some point, the fireworks explode and it all comes out of my mouth. Boom!!!
Stucco and I have "rules" that we follow about who greets who, when and how. The person who comes home to the other, finds the one who is home and gives them the kiss. Same with going to bed. The person who is last to bed scoots over to kiss the one already in bed. It works well. ;)
Relationships would be boring if we were all "perfectly matched." A little conflict now and then will happen.
Sounds a lot like my house. I get so tired of a husband who can only see what he doesn't have, instead of appreciating all that he does have.
I refuse to answer people when they yell for me in the house, they can get up of their asses and come and talk to me. I'm not going to track them down.
Shall I go on?
There's not enough room here Meno, or time in the morning. Apparently I'm a little irritated this morning as well.
imperturbable. humph. nothing's absolute.
my parents do the hello thing when one of them comes home, that way the person there won't worry when hearing footsteps or doors shutting, etc. The one home hollers back. each can then either go see the other or not, but each now knows that the other knows who's where. (violating the quiet of the house? sounds like you really, really have a thing about silence. I'll bet you aren't someone who turns on the stereo a lot or the tv for company.)
If communication isn't happening naturally, then maybe you can foster it. set up a weekly meeting where you both get to DISCUSS, NOT YELL, the issues you have with the other. Set some ground rules - no interruptions, no postponements except for emergencies or unless it is mutually agreed upon (vacations, etc.); one topic at a time with rebuttals, no interrupting, etc. This meeting should be inviolate until unnecessary. sounds a bit formal for a marital relationship, but maybe the structure will provide the means for you both to learn when and how to approach each other in the future with issues before they become something to yell about.
Do you remember that scene in Pleasantville where the husband comes home and stands at the door and calls to his wife, Honey, I'm home!
That's what my husband wants, to be greeted. And sometimes, despite the fact that I'm a grumpy old bat, I will do that. But sometimes the girls have been noisy all day and it's the first moment of quiet I've gotten, and I don't, and he sulks, and oh then it just all goes to hell because in ADDITION to being grumpy I'm stubborn.
Sometimes, I swear, if we weren't legally married with two kids and shared debt, I'd pack a little bag and leave. But that's only the really bad days. I never expected marriage to be unalloyed bliss, and sometimes it's quite lovely, but sometimes I feel like chucking it all and going to be a Quaker, or a shameless sort of gypsy-grifter-hussy-artist.
Thank goodness for whiskey, and boxes (and boxes) of wine. (Really, it's not so bad. Today, for example, I'm quite happily married. Mind you, he's sleeping at the moment and the kids are at school, it's 10 am and I'm still in my pink fuzzy robe, with almost six hours of peace and quiet strung out in front of me. I only wish I could be this content when things weren't in a state of disarray and confusion.)
Been there, Meno. Yes, how DO you address the 'you're being grumpy' issue without being grumpy yourself? Anyone? Anyone? My overly logical self wants to know. *snort*
Communications. So easy to say but sometimes not so easy to do it effectively. And then there is give and take. I'll bet there is a thing or two that he'd like to have you do differently, too. Set some ground rules about keeping things civil and talk about these things. You would be surprised how many times the partner isn't aware of what or at least how much some things he/she does bothers the other person. Try it.
Our only rule is the toilet paper has to go OVER the top. Other than that, we just figure it out.
Sometimes I think I'm awfully crabby in my head because I'm home all day with my thoughts. And then the boys. And then Mr. Geek. And that's not his fault, no matter how much he may or may not do something that drives me crazy.
And I do the same thing, I won't say anything for a long time and then WHAMMO it's like An Outburst, the poor man has no idea what's coming.
Well, as you know, I am in this space right now. I bite my tongue because when I do get upset it is QUITE sharp and I have learned to curtail its use unless absolutely necessary.
But sometimes silence, or "picking our battles", is taken as approval. And when that happens, well, like you, I come out swinging.
I have a Napoleon Dynamite doll in the kitchen that when you push a button, says quotes from the movie. I like to get it set up to "Why don't you get out of my life and shut up?" when the complaining gets to be too much.
You left out the resolution...the "and then what happened."
Why is Em disrespectful to him?
What did he say during your argument?
I don't really expect you to answer these cuz it's no fun to rehash a fight over and over to strangers days after the fact.
I'll just fill in the blanks in a wildly inappropriate manner with my imagination.
That's why I'm never getting married again.
I mean, that and also the fact that, legally, I am still married.
Fisher says that love is like saying to someone, I know that you are an asshole a great deal of the time, but you are the asshole that I want to be with.
So think of it that way, and maybe you won't be so disappointed. I mean, accept the fact that the Mister is a jerk, then decide that you want to be with him anyway.
See how easy it is?
(Disclaimer: You really should think carefully before you take marital advice from someone who just left her husband.)
I was just talking at my husband about this on the way home in the car last night. He stores it up and then some small thing makes him explode, which scares the shit out of me. I agree with amusing about keeping a balance. I talk and talk because he doesn't. I tell him most of the things he does that bother me and he tells me so little so that I am always wondering. His mother was emotionally abusive and so I understand but feel it is time to snap out of it and learn how to express his emotions. After all he just graduated summe cum laude.
Sorry. Got carried away.
I welcome, "Hello, Honey, I'm home", because I have a different disfunction that created an exaggerated startle response.
Weapons grade yelling sounds fucking petrifying.
However, I sense you are probably pretty fun to be married to, generally speaking :)
jennifer, oh god, spare me from morning people. :)
ttq, good analogy!
crazymumma, we usually do! Most of the time we get along well, but there is always the occasional boil over.
amusing, i have seen this "systems theory" in action, with the underperforming spouse and the overperforming spouse. And thanks for clearing up mrs. chili's comment. I just couldn't figure out what she was talking about. It must have been morning.
joan, you do not have the corner on the bottling market! Not by a long shot.
schmoopie, i have never told the Mister that i don't like the house-entry yelling. Guess i better do that huh? In my opinion, any marriage that has no conflict is dead.
deb, yes, the constant complaining is pretty galling, especially when he has a pretty fucking great life. I mean he gets to be married to me, the lucky dog. The Mister and i need to have a chat about the yelling thing.
bob, i thought about you calling me that when i wrote this. :) I have the radio on most of the day. NPR addict. Most of the time we do really well, just some days......
shara, and in every Leave it to Beaver episode too! You have described it all very well. The kids add much stress too. Hope you enjoyed your day.
nancy, a bit more quietly than i addressed it apparently.
dick, but isn't there lots of little stuff that just isn't worth bringing up? I guess i have trouble deciding which those are.
sari, i'm with you on the TP. Hurricane Sari?
qt, i know, i know. But i hate constant complaining from anyone. I mean, life is hard, get over it. That doll sounds awesome. You can just use it to speak for you.
esereth, i took out a gun and shot him. Oh, wait, that was just the fantasy. No, after we all calmed down, i was able to tell him about the complaining and how it was really getting to me. He hadn't realized that he was doing it so much. We'll see what comes of that.
biscotto, oh god, me neither. I like the idea of separate houses, three blocks away. He really is not a jerk very often, but he is insecure, and that has it's own problems.
luckyzmom, no no, you aren'r carried away. It's hard to be the talkative one. I know, because i am the other way, and i also know (honesty alert and OUCH) that i sometimes am quiet because he wants me to talk so much. I have that startled response too, but i can hear him coming in the door.
flutter, yeah, i can get pretty excitable. I wish it were otherwise, that i was calm and serene, but alas.....
'I think i don't tell him about the things that bug me sometimes because if i tell him and he still does it, it will make me feel like he doesn't care. And that would make me mad.'
BINGO! That's me in a nutshell, so I can relate to how frustrated you feel right now. ((hugs))
I think that resentment is like gas, it expands to fill the space and if there isn't a vent, it erupts and explodes. As least that's how it rolls in my life.
I have to watch myself on criticizing the small stuff. L. is a saint and never says anything unless we have an argument, and then I suddenly realize how critical I can sound. I made up my mind a long time ago that I would much rather be with L. than not, and the little annoying stuff, as long as it is a quirky habit and not symptomatic of major problems, really just have to be ignored.
I think everyone else has already said it but don't beat yourself up about it. You're both only human and sometimes you'll lose your temper over the stupid stuff. Maybe when things calm down you can talk about what wound you up so much and whether there's anything that you do that winds him up and see whether you can reach a compromise. I did often feel that being married was like having another child - but I'm sure that's not the norm for you!
"Mrs. Chili, I'm puzzled, it's a picture of some graffiti on a bench???????"
Wise ass - I MEANT the toe pictures - if you're gonna post 'em, warn a girl, wouldja?!
My husband and I make sure to tell each others about the little things that we don't like. But we don't expect the other one to keep it in mind all the time. So, maybe if you told your husband that you would like him not to yell from the kitchen maybe he'd say, "I never thought about that." and then just do it. Things like that happen.
I snap at my husband for being cranky all the time. Of course it's his fault. Because I'm such a sunny person, all smiles all the day. Ahem.
(To muted swing band accompaniment) The way he hangs his shirt (sloppily, on the first piece of furniture he passes); the way he trims his beard (slowly, one hair at a time, when we're late going out); the way he squirts his ketchup (three times as much as he needs, so that two thirds gets rinsed down the sink); the way he leaves his knives (in the sink, plastered in excess butter); oh no, you can't take that away from me. Sing along!
In a perfect world, we would all be able to dispel little annoyances right when they happen with a joking, lighthearted tone. The problem is that the annoyances are most annoying when I am in a foul mood already and there is no lightheartedness to be found.
::sigh::
we can all get crabby, but then we have to try to be grateful for all the good in our lives, but damn, it can be hard like when it is pouring buckets of rain, the car won't start and you have to go to jury duty
(source of recent crabbiness in my life...)
The Other Half has been mighty irritating to me the last few days. I've tried to handle this move with positivity and grace. He seems determined to focus on the negatives and be in a right grumpy mood. Nothing cuts me through to the heart like his negativity. I hate it. ;( I tolerate it, but damn I just wanted to yell at him to cheer the f up. :)
Snoskred
www.snoskred.org
This is what makes marriage the most rewarding and challenging relationship/bond in our lives.
Meno - I noticed you on both Egan and Ms. Chica's site. Your post seemed to hit a chord with a lot of people, basically anyone who's been married a while. Hang in thereand I hope tomorrow is a better, more peaceful day of coupledom!
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