Monday, October 27, 2008

Hijacked by your agenda

There is this woman i know, someone i thought might become a friend.

I have made plans with her a few times to do something, which she agreed to enthusiastically at the time.

And each time, her agenda begins to creep in, altering the plans so she can fit in other events.

"Oh, i made an appointment to take the car in on Tuesday morning, so can we start hiking later in the day?"

"Of course," i say.

Then a few days later,

"Is it okay if we just go for a short walk? One of my neighbors is having a party at her house and i should go."

And so on. If this had happened only to one of our plans, no big deal, but that it happens every time annoys me.

So i'm done making plans and adjusting them to suit her. Too much work. I'll just stick to the one set time we meet with a group and leave it at that.

The lesson is, don't do this. If you say you're going to be there, be there. If you say you're going to do it, do it. Don't jerk people around.

31 comments:

Sally Forth said...

meno, the name for this is rudeness. Unfortunately some people suffer from it to a greater extent than others. This woman is clearly riddled with it and is a lost cause. Blech.

Nancy Dancehall said...

Ew. That is beyond rude. And she probably sees herself as generous with her time.

thailandchani said...

Totally with you on that! I like to keep things simple and predictable.. as much as possible. If someone constantly changes, I get tired of it very quickly.


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Marshamlow said...

You are giving me a major guilt trip. Today I volunteered to help set up for the relay for life kickoff party being held tonight. Not a lot of people are able to help during the day due to work or kids. However, Lily is sick and I had to cancel. The committee chair said, oh it is ok, I understand my kid has been sick with the croup for three days. I guess she has an alternate care for a sick kid plan in place and I do not. I feel so bad.

I realize that your post is not about me or my situation. Your post just seemed to coincide with my guilt so nicely I had to point it out. Your "friend" does not have a real excuse and is just being weird. Do you think perhaps she does not want to go with you but instead of just saying no, is passive aggressive?

furiousBall said...

i read this book a while ago and one of the things i try to focus on is Always Be Impeccable with Your Word.

patches said...

I have had encounters like this. I thought it might be a generational thing, me being so old, and the people I was trying to do stuff with being younger, but I don't think it is that simple. I think there are people who live in fear of commitment because they are afraid a better opportunity will come along. To those I say, Suck it up! Life's not fair.

Everyone's time is important and no one appreciates getting jerked around.

Vulgar Wizard said...

I fully agree with this lesson. There's nothing worse than a broken promise.

SUEB0B said...

This overcommitment thing is like an OCD. Some people collect things, these folks collect things to do. They can't stop. You either have to accept being a minor player in their lives, or get out.

Brad said...

You added the label: Is there a name for this? - I beleive that word would be 'inconsiderate'. Other words came to mind but this would be the most civil. Self centered also works. I like your approach - carry on with what you were going to do regardless.

Gordo said...

Amen to the lesson. There's no accounting for some people's children.

meno said...

sally, the sad thing, is she's pretty nice, but i just can't accept being treated like i'm the least important thing.

nancy, i bet she does. Or just as disorganized.

chani, it does get old really fast.

marsha, don't feel bad about staying home with your girl. She'd rather you were with her than some babysitter. I think this woman is disorganized.

furious, ooooh, interesting. will look into it. It looks like the other three things are worth living by too.

patches, she's older than me, so that's not the deal. I guess she's just not that into me.

vw, i mean, it does happen, and it's good to be flexible, but every time? No way.

suebob, i got out. I still see her, but do not depend on her to committ to anything.

brad, hah! Wonder what those other words were?

gordo, or that some people are children, without regard to age.

lu said...

This is bad form.

crazymumma said...

Really, only illness should be an excuse.

fiwa said...

I hate when people do that. I have a friend who can never just be with the rest of us when we're doing something as a group. She always has to come late or leave early because she's doing this or that with someeone else. It just makes me feel like we (me and the other friends) are so unimportant to her. Each time I wonder if it should bother me - I mean, she has the right to be as busy as she wants, right? But it does. It feels rude to me.

Good for you for taking back control of the situation. That's the best you can do - control yourself and your part in it.

The Real Mother Hen said...

Yup, I have a handful friends like that too. They are people who can't say "no" actually. Therefore always got themselves into situations that they thought was helpful to everyone, but essentially harmful to even themselves. What a pity.

Maggie said...

She doesn't realize what she missed out on.

flutter said...

amen. I would rather hike with you than go to a party.

TTQ said...

selish and egotistical. I wish I would just say I am going to be busy at the times she or he changes to fit her. It's too bad she overextended herself or she could have had a wonderful time with you at the time you agreed on..

QT said...

You + me = twins separated at birth. Given our height difference, clearly we are not identical.

jill said...

You have a great blog. I found you through Imez. I agree...I also feel the same about RSVPing. Just decide, and then honor your decision. Don't wait to see if something better comes along. Yes.

meno said...

lu, i agree, but it seems so common.

crazymumma, well, maybe death too. :)

fiwa, ah, she always has to be the special case, the exception. That is annoying. And, as you point out, rude.

motherhen, i'll have to think about the inability to say no, maybe that's part of it. It still feels bad to be on the receiving end of.

maggie, you are so sweet. <3

flutter, me too, in a heartbeat.

ttq, well, i won't be making any more plans with her.

qt, i have been thinking lately about how much i appreciate that about you. You just walked on to some strange bus and trusted that i would be on the other end, and i trusted that you would be there too, and off we went. Cool.

hi jill! does it astonish you how many people don't do this??

Franki said...

Amen!

And how I love the mental image of "jerking people around."

Diane Mandy said...

I just had to cancel on a woman because I had forgotten my dentist appointment. That doesn't count, does it? I'd hate to be that woman.

Helena said...

Are you sure it wasn't the hiking and not you. Perhaps she has great ideas about improving herself but then gets scared at the last minute.
I am having the same problem myself with attending my military fitness class at the moment. Or does she duck out of coffee and cake commitments too?

tt said...

I have a friend...I use that word very loosly..who makes plans with me and then cancells the very day we're supposed to do it....WTF?? she's done it for years...blames it on her 'ailing' back everyelfing time! So, guess what? I'm done. Seriously done. People will only do what I let them do to me...so I've taken the punching bag down!! I'm so over that behavior. Ass hats!!!!!!!!

meno said...

franki, i think you just like the mental image of jerking people off.

diane, you are only that woman if you do this all the time. Everyone screws up sometimes and i can be flexible about that, but not everytime.

helena, naw, it's everything, not just the hiking. Besides, who wouldn't want to go hiking with ME??

tt, good for you. I won't allow myself to be treated like this either. I want friends who will mwke me feel like i am important to them.

luckyzmom said...

I was bit like that by someone a while ago and I am now quite reticent to reach out and touch anyone anymore, which is why I blog. Here.... alone in my house .... the day before Halloween .... they're coming to get me and I'll have to open my doors. Don't worry about me though, I have candy!

Tink said...

I HATE that! My Mom is always changing plans, backing out of things, or making everything more convenient for herself. It's gotten to the point where I plan things fully expecting them to fall through. What bugs me the most about people who do this is that they're implying that you're not important enough to come through for. "Rude" is the word.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

My reaction would be to say, "Forget it." I prefer to be with friends who enjoy our time together, not those who make it feel like an obligation.

It's her loss, you know.

capacious said...

Oh lordy, I am this person. It's not that I don't want to get together with you, I DO, otherwise I wouldn't have made the plan, I adore the idea of being friends with you but I'm afraid and depressed and unsure and scared and overbooked, not to mention tired and alcoholic. Don't you want to be my friend? Be glad she cancelled. Trust me. You don't need friends like us. We suck and we will always let you down. Well, maybe not ALWAYS. But most of the time.

sexy said...
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