Scorekeeping
I like to talk about my weaknesses and failings here, so there will always be lots to talk about.
I am a secret scorekeeper. I keep score. I keep score of the most petty things. And as i'm thinking about it, i'm trying to figure out why.
Here's an example: We have our house on the market so we are trying to keep it cleaner than our normal pig wallow. One thing we did is buy a squeegee for the shower doors, so we can wipe it off after showering and thus (hopefully) keep the shower door cleaner. Sounds good right?
But after a few days of using it, The Mister has kind of stopped. Normally it's not a big deal, as i usually shower within a short time after he does.
But not always. So i was looking at the un-sqeegeed shower door this noon (i was off playing squash in the morning) and making a mental note of this lack of compliance. Score one for my superiority.
And did you know, that every morning i re-hang his towel because he doesn't hang it up like the towels in a model home? Score two for my superiority.
And the list goes on, with each item being as earth-shattering as the towel situation.
Don't i sound like an ass? This man, who works all day every day so that i can sit on my butt and eat cookies, is being scored over towels and shower doors. Ick. We didn't squeegee the shower door for eight fucking years, so i think it will be okay.
Why? I don't really know. I know that i will try and let it go, but it is surprisingly dear to me.
What a waste of energy, and surprisingly like my mother. Man, that stings.
36 comments:
I let go of a lot of stuff I was packing around at work a few days ago. Like you, a lot of it was that "I'm superior to X" thing, and much like you I only have a few vague clues as to why I have this desperate need to do it. But, and unsurprisingly, I let it all go and be damned if I don't feel immensely better. Oh, I still hate "X" for all that she stands for (redneckisms, abuse of the language, borderline child abuse disguised as parenting) but I've set aside the need to constantly prove myself better than her.
Funny how foolish we can be, us adults.
It is a form of Autism, this score keeping, albeit a super mild form.
But this realization and the attendant resolve to get over it and let it go is SO not like your mother. Which means you really aren't like her. Give yourself credit for transcending.
but i also get the feeling (like from this post) that along with this inner score keeping, you also have a sense of humor about it - and my theory is as long as it's funny, it's ok
Its that honesty that keeps us real.
Having to keep the house clean for showing is enough to make anyone an ass. Good luck selling. :)
irrelephant, would that be SFRs you are talking about? So, how did you do it, the letting go? Maybe write a book about it, it would be a bestseller.
scott, really? Autism? Then i am in good company.
bob, thank you for that. I do resolve to get the fuck over it.
furious, wouldn't we all just die without our sense of humor?
crazymumma, yeah, i can admit my failings, honestly.
fiwa, don't we have awewsome tining with the selling of the house? Shit!
I hate that discovering shit about myself that I don't want to know. So rude.
My husband and I both do the keeping score but we do it out loud toward one another. He says I did A..B.. C. I say, well I did D..E..F..G..H..I and he says, your better than me. Or sometimes I end up saying your better than me. I am sure we sound petty and mean to our children who have to hear us go on and on, but it happens.
When we first got married Jeff used to hold it all in and not speak to me for a couple of days when he was upset. Now I see him getting pouty and I needle him until he gets it off his chest. It is better than the silent treatment.
I hope your house sells soon, that sounds like a nightmare.
Yes, scorekeeping is a popular past time here, mostly because my other half is the one who issues the proclamations that he fails to follow through...so maybe it isn't scorekeeping as much as it my justifying job position to a middle management supervisor for yearly employee evaluations.
Makes marriage sound really sexy that way, doesn't it?
omg, yet another thing we have in common. I can't tell you how often I have to kick myself with the reminder that rich works his tail off every day, he deserves to relax, not get fussed at because he didn't do some pissy little thing I wanted him to do. I, too, see my mother in all of this, her martyrdom, which I frequently discuss with my brother and his wife...well, guess who inherited it. jeez, is 9 am too early for a glass of wine?
I do that too and you're right, it's a waste of time and energy. Why we do it, I have no idea and how to quit, god only knows.
I agree with Bob and Fiwa, also, I think of it less as scorekeeping and more of a highly defined sense of fairness. (But I guess I still keep score by declaring myself more fair)
I have those "ouch I am my Mom" moments at times too... especially when I feel the kids are not meeting some weird "need of the moment". But life is just one big freaking learn from our errors lesson isn't it? Um... try after you have cleaned the glass doors and stall to polish with something like Pledge... it helps in between squeegie sessoins!
Heh. You and I have the same fantasy that involves sitting around all day and eating cookies.
Too bad neither of us really gets to do that. ;)
We all have a bitter inner monologue at times. We're human!
Hm. Okay, I'll admit I do a little competing with the hubby. Just last night, I scoffed at him because he was adding butter and salt to microwave buttered popcorn he made for Kyle and his friends. I was like, "What are you doing?!!!" He said, "Kids dig this." I told him he was crazy. GUess what?! Damned kids made a fool out of me.
I totally Keep Score, also.
It was a few years before I figured out that my husband really, truly, absolutely did NOT leave his towel all wadded up for me to hang up. He just did not think to hang it up with no ulterior motive whatsoever. And he was shocked that 1) I thought he did it on purpose and 2)that I cared about it so much. Sigh. I try to keep that in mind with my Keeping Score, but it hard.
I am a huge scorekeeper. I get frustrated because I work as much and and hard as mr b does but I do 95% or more of house and child care. But I know I have to stop because all i do when I keep score is get more frustrated and unappealing. But it's SO HARD.
i too am a secret score keeper.
i hate it because it's petty and i like to think i'm not...petty, that is.
but secretly, i like the fact that i'm superior to others.
i'm trying to do better though.
I blow up and chew his head off before I can keep a score! :)
meno, that's exactly it. Hmmm... someone IS listening. Nice. How? I just finally let myself realise that I was spending HUGE amounts of my valuable energy and time on someone that really doesn't matter a gnat's fart to me, and that it was a rather stupid thing, so I just stopped doing it. Kind of like stopping a bad habit, just mental.
Guilty is as Guilty does. Everyday my husband never fails to
Ask: "Are you going to be mean again today?"
"Of course I'm going to be mean meat head because you ask me this every day!"
"You are very pretty, you couldn't be mean if you tried!"
"Try me Honey, just fucking try me"
Ta-da! You see how that works for us?
I pick up all my husband's stuff and put it in a pile in the corner of the bedroom until he can get to it. No one ever speaks of it.
flutter, i am bad at denial. Must practice more.
marsha, that's actually pretty funny, and sounds healthy in a way.
jaded, yep, that's HOT!
holly, 9am? well, maybe a LITTLE early, but what the hell?
deb, i am hoping that awareness will help, at least a little.
mignon, god, we are so funny! You win by being MORE fair!
cheesy, oooh, thanks for the tip.
schmoopie, it's my life's ambition! Do what you love and the money will follow. We'll see.
mrs. 4444, oooh, i hate that when he's right!
cagey, i wonder if leaving the towel to mildew would get the message across. No, i don't think so.
gina, that's a tough one. I can try and let it go because i no longer work. But when i did, i was bitter about the housework.
robin, you have described me acurately. Sucks though.
mother hen, ha! I do that and keep score. Guess i am good at math. :)
irrelephant, yes, someone is listening. You are not very helpful with the quitting advice, i was hoping for something more concrete, like swing a dead cat by the tail three times around your head and face the full moon while howling.
ttq, too pretty to be mean??!! Aha ha ahha hha haha haha! That's a good one.
colleen, You made me laugh. "The Pile That Dare Not Speak It's Name."
OK, but do you do this one? Keep score for him against yourself? That's really fun, especially when you get defensive and pick a fight because you've counted up a bunch of scores for him against yourself that he would be really pissed about, if he were you?
I really know how to keep things fun!
god Meno. I keep score too.
and it exhausts me. utterly.
i've missed you.
We are all psycho in our own special ways!
You do that.
I do that.
Everybody does that.
You squeegee your shower door for people looking at your house? We're lucky to get the cat poop off the carpet in time.
I think the obvious solution to the shower door thing is to shower together. It is nice to have someone else to wash one's back. Then you can squeegee together.
Perhaps this issue is dear to you because it stands for something deeper that needs to be addressed.
Flip and I have always shared everything equally, the workload and the benefits. His disease has changed that, and I now carry a larger load but remind myself of his track record when I feel resentful. It's easier to think that life is unfair than that ones partner is.
I do the same thing and I'm working on stopping! it is exhausting!! hell - sometimes I keep score on me!
I was thinking of you today - a few people have recently "stolen" the ME Too badge from me and that always makes me think of you - it's how we met ;)
I hate when I act like a baby, and I seem to do it a lot. I'm working on that.
Oh my god I am so superior to my husband too! You should see my score card.
Maybe we need to change our mental outlook about it. Perhaps the truth is that this scoring goes by golf rules, which puts me waaaay behind him. Ha.
de, no WAY would i keep score against myself. I can't even count that high!
jen, it is exhausting, and soooo stupid. I'm honored that you stopped by, i know how hard it is for you to get a connection.
suebob, special. Yep, i'm special.
clowncar, really, everybody does? I think you might be right, but not everyone admits it.
dick, we had our shower built with two heads, so we could shower together. The first time we tried it, we discovered that The Mister likes the water about 10 degress hotter than i can stand it.
hearts, i think it's a remnant from childhood, when score was loudly kept, about everything.
dianne, i don't know if i will be able to stop, but i can at least laugh at myself and then erase the scoreboard and start over.
sari, i know, you'd think we were 4years old.
maggie, good thing i don't kow how golf is scored. So i'm still ahead.
I'm a score keeper. I also have a very good memory. So I keep score from things that happened three to eight years ago. It's kind of exhausting, to tell you the truth. Rain-X for shower doors and such works brilliantly. It was my little trick when I was selling my house.
"In any relationship you are either a giver or a taker. Takers keep score to justify the taking."
Dr Phil
"Do as I say, not as I do!"
LZM
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