Saturday, August 19, 2006

When i rule the world, Volume I

1.) Littering will be a death penalty offense, including gum and cigarette butts.
2.) No one will be allowed to get married until they are 30, maybe 28 with parental permission and a note from their doctor.
3.) Women will have to go on the pill to get pregnant, rather than the other way around.
4.) People will not talk, whisper, text message, tap their feet, chew with their mouths open, pop gum or otherwise annoy me during a movie.
5.) Over perfuming will merit a ticket for the first offense and jail time for subsequent violations.
6.) Drug companies will not lie and sell shit that doesn't work, and withold shit that does work because evangelical christians don't like it.
7.) The work week will be 4 days long.

8.) The setting on my iron that says "Permanent Press" will live up to its name.
9.) People who confuse their and there, your and you're, then and than, effect and affect will be repeatedly bopped upside the head with a Random House Dictionary.
10.) Restaurants that play Beatles songs as interpreted by the Ray Coniff singers will have mysterious kitchen fires that cause them to go out of business.

Done for now, but you know there are more inside my head, waiting in a queue of snarkiness.

Got any rules of your own that will make the world a better place?

18 comments:

Chuck said...

Can I get out of #9 seeing that I am dislexic??? check out my site you will see what i mean.

bobealia said...

I like bubblegum litter. When I was at art school some student went all over the city outlining the bubblegum with pink spray paint. It was wonderful. I loved it. Even without the spray paint it's like sidewalk art.
You can bop me when I make grammatical errors. I hate "well" and "good" mixups.
The other day, I said "redder" and my friend said, "more red" and I started giggling and could not stop.
I like the pill idea a lot.
In Halfax, Nova Scotia, Canada, you can get kicked off a public bus for wearing too much perfume.

Oh, and I finally posted my height story.

marshamlow said...

My grammar sucks, let the bopping begin. We recently went on a trip to China, doesn't that sound weird? Our tour guide told us that couples have to have parental consent to wed. It is the law.

meno said...

chuck, yep, you are excused. Thanks for stopping by! I will check out your stuff.

Bo, i hope you have pictures of the gum art. that sounds great. Moving to Halifax. You did real good. (I hate those too.)

marsha, I haven't noticed your grammatical deficiencies. And i am such a jerk that i would have.

Lucia said...

Amen, to #7. I'd love a 4-day work week!

Tracy said...

What, no update on the skinny dipping event? I have been waiting with bated breath to find out how the boyfriend handled it!

Tracy said...

Ok, duh, just saw your comment on that entry, but i still wonder about the boyfriend.....

Antonia said...

What a brilliant title for a post. One day I may have to copy you and do one too.

5. YES. Oh God yes. This would be on my list too. So many people use perfume and aftershave as a chemical deterrent, not a come-hither lure! A pox on them.

9. I feel your pain. I also get upset when people pour over documents. It makes the pages stick together.

Antonia said...

I've just ripped off this idea over at my blog. I ... I just had too much fun tutting at the general public and compiling a list this afternoon. I'm sorry. Please take it as a tribute to your genius in coming up with such an incredibly good posting idea.

meno said...

I am honored. I'll be over in a few to check it out. I'm busy writing a post about what a pussy i am.

Dick said...

I like 3 and 6. I don't want to work that many days as in 7 - I prefer my Sunday followed by six Saturdays week. What is an "iron?" #9 is an irritation but part of the problem is the English language itself.

I would like to see drunk/impaired driving treated as a felony. If someone is killed by one of them it should at the least be manslaughter, if not second degree murder. I think the main reason we treat them so lightly is the law makers are offenders themselves & don't want to get hit too hard when they are caught.

styro said...

Where's the "favorite this" button? Because shit, I agree with all of the above. Can you make another rule about loud stereos at gas stations and stop lights? ("All cars will have stereo systems that automatically self-lower to a reasonable volume when brakes are applied.")

Daniel said...

Found my way here from Fussy. Wow, what a literate readership you have. I'd just like to say thank you Tracy Helgeson for holding your breath. So many times I am lead to believe that someone has been eating minnows.

I'd like to add people who visit web sights. And people who get the meaning of prove wrong when they claim that the exception proves the rule.

While I'm at it, this one is a lost cause but pronouncing buoy as booey instead of boy. I could go on...

marian said...

Yes! Overperfuming! I've turned into one of those people who requests a different table at restaurants because I feel like I'm eating Renuzit!

Dana said...

9.) People who confuse their and there, your and you're, then and than, effect and affect will be repeatedly bopped upside the head with a Random House Dictionary.


AMEN SISTER!!! I jumped up and down when I read this point!

I found you through Mrs. Kennedy (Fussy). Great blog!

Bob said...

You just had to go and remind me of Ray Coniff. Years of mind-altering effort down the drain.

meno said...

bob. ha ha ha ha ha ha. Guess you'd better start the heavy drinking.

Krisco said...

LOVE this list. It is genius.

When I rule the world - and have time to be a benevolent ruler and actually think about my rules - ah screw it! When I rule the world, I get to decide what's benevolent or thoughtful, don't I! Ha HA!