Tuesday, July 15, 2008

In which i expose my own ass

No there will not be any pictures you perverts.

I seem to be on a roll lately with the ass posts. In keeping with that, i will now report on my first experience with Colon Cam yesterday.

When you turn a certain age, doctors go nuts. Mammograms, heart tests, and last and most fun, Colon Cam!

I found the idea of this so mortifying that i would have avoided it using the Nancy Reagan tactic of "Just Say No", except that my doctor, who is younger than i am, has had this done several times since she has a family history of colon cancer. So i pretty much had too.

Some thoughts:

* [begin rant] It speaks volumes about our fucked up health care system that i would be considered a candidate for this invasion. I have no symptoms and no family history. It cost about $2,500 for the procedure. I am lucky enough to have health insurance that pays for this, but not everyone does. It pisses me off that only insured people have access to preventative medicine. If you are poor, you better not get sick. Vote accordingly y'all. [end rant]

* The preparation involves a special diet and drinking this horrid liquid that leaves you clean as a whistle, inside and out. Yes, it's about as much fun as it sounds. Butt hey, i lost 4 pounds in 2 days!

* It's a little weird meeting people and knowing that in a few minutes they will be sticking a flexible camera tube up your ass.

* When the doctor came in and introduced himself, i didn't want to shake his hand, as i didn't know where those hands had been.

* Afterwards, they give you pictures. Pictures! In Color! Of the inside of my large intestine! I don't have a real problem with this as i am the curious type, butt they could have at least assked first. Also i bet they charged the insurance company $200 or so for my copy of the pictures. (See rant above.) Maybe i'll carry them in my wallet to impress new friends. "Hi, i'm meno, want to see some picture of me?"

* The drugs are awesome. I floated home in a haze of relaxed happiness, ate a hamburger and took a nap.


I am the perfect ass.

Butt we already knew that.


Brad said...

That's right, just as you had the whole place cleaned up stem to stern you have to go louse it up with a HAMBURGER ?

Glad you got a healthy butt.

H.E.Eigler said...

I really was hoping for pictures. Post the colon pics! I know, I am a freak aren't I?

Maggie said...

so it was whoo whew, clean as a whistle?

TTQ said...

I'm 33 and I've had TWO (maybe 3) already! They need to up the meds 'cause I WATCHED it on the CC TV. Polyps get lasso'ed away! Yee Haw!

Anonymous said...

Glad that everything is OK.

My Dr. wanted me to have one last year because...well, just because mumble mumble, but Tony had a similar rant and talked me out of it.

Then again, I might have to do it for the drugs.

ETK said...

Butt. Heheh! :)

ms chica said...

America is in sad shape when you fork over $2500 to have ass viewed. I could have have recommended at least three people who wouldn't have charged a dime, one of which would bring a good bottle of wine.

floribunda said...

I don't understand how we can have this gazillion dollar food chemistry industry that can make anything taste like anything else, and yet they can't seem to come up with a liquid prep for the colon-cam that doesn't make you want to puke when you drink it! But I agree... the drugs were great! I'm almost up to the 10-year point where they want me to go back and do it again.

Scott from Oregon said...

"If you are poor, you better not get sick. Vote accordingly y'all."

Before government stepped in, the poor actually got preventative health care.

Our community hospital shut down in 86. We used to go be able to go there and pay what we could afford.Once Medical and Medicair got going,the community hospitals all went bankrupt.

Not to be too political here (lordy, what a disclaimer!) but why do we instinctively look to the federal government to provide all the great things we think we want? Why don't you promote Washington health care? Or Seattle health care? Why are you stuck on the incompetent feds?

Have they ever successfully beat out private industry in ANY endeavor?

I read today they just topped the million mark on their "terrorists" watch list. Over a million people need to be pulled aside and "checked" for terrorists activities in American airports.

Once again, why do you want these people to be in charge of health care?

I really have reached the point of not understanding anything anymore.

Anonymous said...

I used to work in endo for a short time. I watched a few colonoscopies and was amazed and surprised at how nice the insides of empty colons look. They're quite pretty, honest. And yes, the drugs are pretty cool:)

Jennifer said...

So, being one who may be a candidate for this same indignity very soon, I want to know...what was it like? Any pain? Any awareness?

meno said...

brad, hell yes, i hadn't eaten anything decent in three days!

h.e., there will be NO PICTURES. So sorry.

maggie, it was exactly like that. You could have blown a tune through that puppy.

ttq, hah! i didn't have any polyps. I have a pretty low tolerance for drugs, so i was kind of out of it. THANK GOD!

de, the prep part sucks. But you will lose weight!! So that's cool. Plus you'd get a day off from childcare. Might be worth it.

etk, you forgot the assking. :)

ms. chica, i know, and not even a kiss first!

floribunda, isn't it the WORST? Gag.

scott, you know what? I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to fix this mess. I don't trust the federal government, you are right about that. Voting is done on many levels, not just federal.

deb, it was all pink and moist. Do you still work? Doing what?

jennifer, i felt no discomfort during. Minimal awareness. Butt i just didn't care. I try and think about how these people do this several times per day, so my ass just ain't that special.

flutter said...

I always had a feeling that you were the perfect ass

Scott from Oregon said...

I hate to sound like one of those ridiculous political people who intrude on other people's lives. It isn't really my nature, but I've finally seen the train coming. The same people you want to run health care is running the military and the CIA and your local schools...

The answer is simple. Reduce the feds to a Constitutionally sized government by voting in paleoconservatives (not the religious fundies, but the Constitutionalists.) Do this in your House and congress votes.

Instead of tuning in to see what ol George is up to, find out about who and what runs Washington State politics.

Support this instead.

Ask your state to opt out of all federal programs and have the state push for programs that you want, like health care and libraries.

Support all efforts to rid the US of federal income taxes and support local tax intitiatives.

If Washington state citizens were relieved of all federal tax burdens, imagine what the citizens could do for the state of Washington, and the health problem.

(The federal government would still make a fortune on tariffs they impose on trade, so they would not shut down.)

Washington state could have the best health insurance policies for its people in the nation, if the feds would just let them.

Just think.... foot fungus and cloudy sky depression all dealt with locally...

Imagine 50 different states all trying out different things to resolve the health issue...

Cream will rise and bad ideas will fall.

We are all so used to staring at the one big black dot on the white piece of paper that we forget to look around for other smaller dots...

Scott from Oregon said...


The feds? Please...

Mona Buonanotte said...

You got pictures of your ass? Post 'em, lady! So we can all see what we have to look forward to!

Irrelephant said...

I had the same thing done two years ago, and all I can remember is the nice little nurse telling me to drink three or four huge glasses of water after I took that phospho soda stuff. My GAWD, the cleaning out process was FAR worse than the actual procedure! Every five minutes I was racing for the john. Without getting too personal (yeah, we're WAY past that point now) I couldn't even use TP toward the (heh) end there, I had to stand in the shower and let water trickle down my back and across the job site.

And yes, the post-procedure chemical glow...aaaah. Good times.

meno said...

flutter, what clued you in?

scott, i can see you feel strongly about this. I wouldn't suggest the federal government to run a lemonade stand.

mona, in a word, no. I already threw them away.

irr, i just got a book and drove the porcelain bus backwards for a while. No racing that way. And having been warned about "anal soreness" i was VERY gentle. But really, let's not get personal. :)

liv said...

I've always thought it was that you HAVE a perfect ass. You're the hotness, lady.

Nancy Dancehall said...


I am dreading this procedure, but happy family history, I'm about due for a check.

Can't I just eat a bunch of tacos from Toxic Hell? They have essentially the same effect as the liquid horror shake.

fiwa said...

Ahem, I think that's false advertising, I was promised some ass! :)

Butt, I'm glad the results were asstastic. Damn, I wonder how long we could go on with these ass jokes??


Anette said...

Classic post! thanks for sharing!

Imez said...

When my time comes, I will not be shy with the ass-lookers. I will clasp their hands to my bosom and hug them. There is no use pretending that we aren't sharing an intimacy usually reserved for loving mothers and leather-daddies.

My god you're a great blogger.

Lynn said...

I had one of those "procedures" a few months ago...the worst part was the preparation. The best part was as the drugs started to take effect.

Joan said...

Been there, done that...don't have to do it for another 9 years...whew! But I'm disappointed I didn't get any photos. Darn!

meno said...

liv, you only say that because you've never seen my ass!

nancy, i wondered the same thing about the tacos. But they said NO!

fiwa, you'll just have to use your imagination. I'm just happy that it's behind me. (heh, behind)

anette, oh, i LOVE to share. :)

imez, maybe i should have asked for a kiss first? And thank you, that's sweet of you to say.

lynn, three days of preparation do not make up for the drugs. At least to me. Yuck!

joan, oh really, you've seen one large intestine, you've seen them all. :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I had one once. The worst part of it was actually drinking the nasty stuff the night before. I don't do medicines well. (Understatement of the century.) It was intellectually kind of fascinating, like the NY subways might look if they were scoured (and pink.)

My present doctor and I are at a stand-off. I don't care to do it again. End of story.

I'm glad you're healthy!

Marshamlow said...

I am glad that your ass is perfect. I hope I never have to do this. One good thing about having military health care is that they never think you really need any tests, they tell you chances are you will be fine, take some motrin.

egan said...

You've written some greats posts and shared some really funny pictures since I've been reading you. However, I must say this post is one of my all-time faves for some reason. I just like it. You slay me Meno.

Yes, I'm buttering you up because I want first dibs on the kayaks.

tt said...

you cleva-cleva girl!you always crack me up...
I'd assk you when you're planning to do it again, butt for some reason I don't think you'll be able to put this experience behind you for quite a while.

The Real Mother Hen said...

Ha you're funny, and great!
I'm supposed to do my Mammograms in August since so many of my friends are battling breast cancer, but gosh, I may give it a pass, since my "devil's dumplings" are quite healthy and the unnecessary squeeze may do more harm than good! :()

Sienna said...

Good on you for having the colonoscopy. Colon cancer being the most common cancer here in Oz. I think? it has nearly overtaken heart disease for deaths..

That little camera and tubing is amazing! The lives it has saved. It is just stastical data that once folks hit over the 5-0 incidence starts to rise with health issues.

Mammagrams, prostate checks, arse-cam...is all good stuff. Just like we get our cars serviced or do occ health and safety update courses, so we need to be looking after ourselves, most of this stuff caught early is so much better.

Life is so very precious, good on you Meno, and good on you for writing about it, you just never know where it might jog someone's memory for a health check on stuff.


Tink said...

I am sickly fascinated by this whole procedure...

...But that doesn't mean I'm going to run out and get one done. No ma'am. My ass gets enough abuse cushioning my frequent falls and bumps each day.

Dick said...

I had that done once and was told that I didn't need to do it again for ten years or so. I can't remember when it was done, though..... As I remember, the prep with all that stuff you have to drink was a lot worse than the actual test which I got to sort of sleep through.

womaninawindow said...

How can the end result be so much fun when at the mercy of such an invasive procedure?

meno said...

hearts, i totally understand why you don't want to do it again. I might not either, especially if you have no symptoms.

marsha, wait until you turn 50 my dear! *evil cackle*

egan, aw, go on with you. You should come by and take them for a spin!

tt, i'm happy that my tail (heh heh) of woe amused you.

mother hen, man those mammongram ladies are MEAN too! You mean your "lovely lady lumps?"

pam, yeah, i suppose humiliation is good for the soul too. :)

tink, you're just a baby, you've got lots of time to be in denial. Use it wisely.

dick, yes, the prep is the worst part, without a doubt.

woman, ha ha, you said "end result!" :)

thailandchani said...

Glad everything is okay... and I really can't see the purpose of those tests. People survived for generations without them. :)

egan said...

We'd love to come by and take them for a spin. I mentioned your offer to Mrs. Lessinges and she seemed very intrigued. We'll work out the logistics.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

I've got a face cramp from smiling. Nice jump-start to a new diet and exercise routine. You did start a diet and exercise routine, right?!

luckyzmom said...

I'll show you my pictures if you'll show me yours.