Friday, February 27, 2009

Footloss

My right foot hurts, so I went to visit a podiatrist. I made the mistake of wearing a new pair of black cotton socks that day, so when he asked to see my feet, they were covered in black sock fuzz that looked like mildew. Nice.

After i scraped off the black fuzz, he told me that I have what is called a Z -shaped foot, and because of this I have developed arthritis between my metatarsal bones.

The first line of attack is arch support. Way to make me feel decrepit. Now I am wearing the kind of shoes normally reserved for ancient waitresses named Flo who call you 'honey.'

I have small breasts, so they are staying up. I have big feet, so they are sagging. I can't see my butt without making an effort (an effort I have no desire to make) so I can't speak for it, butt I have my suspicions as to which direction it's heading.


By this logic my nose should be safe.


(The above is an example of self-deprecating body humor for which female bloggers are well known. It's not clever, but it is fun.)

30 comments:

hockamama said...

well, kiss my grits! ain't gettin old a bitch! while I don't have your foot problem (I feel for you, though) I do have the saggy breasteses. damn kids...

Daisy said...

Meflo it is.

Brad said...

According to the Wash. State Dept. of Licensing I have a double chin.

You might want to give them a wide berth.

Princess in Galoshes said...

As a kid, I actually wanted a pair of those shoes. I thought they looked bouncy.

Gordo said...

I have insanity. Does this make you feel any better? I also have gas. LOL

Cheesy said...

Well crap... can't you maybe check into orthodontics? I wear them and can get them into just about any shoe I want.... well except for heels but you know me! Even if the feet were perfect I am not graceful enough to wear them.
PS~~ shut the hell up about your ass! I can see mine without turning around!

de said...

just here to tell you that even small breasts can sag, though you're probably safe if it hasn't happened yet.

Joan said...

Welcome to my world. I'm wearing orthotics because I have fallen (or is that sagging) arches and I'm not even going to mention my "upper frontals"...that's what Hubby calls them. Sadly, I'm thinking he should start calling them "lower frontals."

meno said...

holly, it is surely a bitch honey!

daisy, hmmm. meflo. Is that like flowmax?

brad, THOSE BASTARDS! Why would they photshop your picture like that? That's just mean!

princess, and they give excellent support. :)

gordo, the gas thing makes me glad this is the internets. I think we're all insane.

cheesy, yeah, i might have to do that. Grumble grumble. Heels re not an option, i might get altitude sickness.

de, ooooh. I figured it was the size that kept me safe.

joan, upper frontals! Ha ha ha! Maybe "middle frontals" as a compromise.

deb said...

Orthotics may sound old but they work wonders. I spent almost two years hobbling around before I got smart and got myself some orthotics. I have happy feet now. Of course they're old, happy feet, but they're happy.

Nancy Dancehall said...

It looked just fine to me.

And so did your nose. ;-)

The Real Mother Hen said...

Take 10 min each day, sit down on a firm square chair, hold on to the sides of the chair, and bend your feet at the toes, lifting the heels but keeping the toes on the floor. The heels and arch of your foot are lined up over your toes, not dropped outward or inward.

Next, fold your toes (like shameful toes hiding their faces on the floor), then drop your ankles/ whole feet to the ground very gently and slowly. Make sure that the feet are straight and not bend inward/outward.

Next, the ankle exercise, but it's too long to type... and I'm lazy ;(

SUEB0B said...

The picture of a Z-shaped foot in my head is quite bizarre. Hope it isn't as bad as I am picturing it.

Good call on the black fuzzy socks. SO something I would do.

Irrelephant said...

Black? No argyle? You should be ashamed!

Jonas said...

You crack me up every time. Just sayin'.

meno said...

deb, based on your recommendation, i'm going to go get some.

nancy, you could see my nose from down there??

mother hen, wow! Are you a physical therapist? I will try it.

suebob, it's less dramatic than it sounds. Thankfully.

irrelephant, they were my husband's socks. That's my story and i'm sticking to it.

jonas, oh, that makes me happy.

Scott from Oregon said...

A woman was at her gyno and the doctor didn't hide his surprise very well...

"What's wrong doc?"

"Umm, you have a very , umm, large, uhhh, never mind..."

Worried, the woman went home and stood over a mirror. Just as what happens in these jokes, her husband steps into the room and asks her what she's doing.

"Nothing, honey. Just changing my panties."

"Well careful dear. Don't fall into that hole in the floor..."

(Speaking of not being able to see your backside...)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Oh, Flo, honey, I'm so sorry.

Look at the bright side - your small nose will never need arch support.

flutter said...

kiss my grits!

Stucco said...

At least you HAVE a butt. Show off. I can trump you anyway. One warm day last summer I reduced myself to tears by sitting on my balls. Of all the things to sag and swing around, let's pick the most delicate. Intelligent design my absent ass.

meno said...

scott, that's a beautiful story. *sniff*

hearts, my nose is safe for many years. :)

flutter, "what'll ya have honey?"

stucco, ha ha ha. Not laughing at you, i swear, laughing with you. Dude, might be time to switch to briefs.

jaded said...

I knew if I waited long enough someone would post about the benefit of small racks.

BTW, your ass is just fine. It's okay to say that since we've hiked together.

The Real Mother Hen said...

Nah, I'm not a physical therapist, I just happened to have a very "troublesome" body structure due to a bad car accident many years ago, so to learn the right way to stand/ walk/ do things, I've been going to physical therapies, years of yoga lessons, body structure classes, tai chi, you name it.

Another important thing - when you stand, don't stand on your toes, but shift your weight slightly towards your heels, specifically the outside of your heels. Find the center point of gravity within you by having your torso up and forward, shoulders back and down.

Ah, if you come to Bend, I'll take you to Crater Lake and I'll show you some exercise :)

lu said...

it starts with arch supports, next thing we know...

parish the thought,,,

every age is the new ten years younger.

I like my tiny tits too.

Clowncar said...

You need to get some of those glasses with the rhinestone encrusted fins to go with the shoes.

Magpie said...

A small nose is a nice thing.

crazymumma said...

fun indeed. One must poke humour at ones own bits.

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO @ Clowncar! Laughing WITH you of course. ;)

sari said...

I broke my big toe a few years back so I always wear horrible ugly comfortable shoes.

Oh well. Good thing I'm fairly cute.

(HA!!!!)

egan said...

Oh, that sucks. I have high archs and have been told to protect them. I do that by keeping a desk job and staying off my feet at all costs. Ha, sort of. Ironically, having a desk job allowed my plantar fascitis to go away which enabled me to start running again and thus an Ironman was born. What was this post about again? Your flat butt?