In which i swear freely
We have just put our house up for sale. Don't we have AWESOME timing?
I fucking hate living in a for sale house. We have to keep it neat, which is totally hard for us because The Mister is a a slob, and i'm lazy. At least my hideously messy daughter is away at college, although she has a roomful of crap that will need to be dealt with.
Some cranky letters to make me feel better:
************
Dear Makers of Aveeno Oatmeal Lotion,
I love your lotion, but i hate that the suction pump straw thing is an inch and a half above the bottom of the container. I feel like it's a plot to get me to buy more of your lotion.
Not going to work as i am stubborn AND cheap, plus i recycle the bottle, after i eke every last bit of lotion out of it.
So there,
-a not to be manipulated consumer
************
Dear Mom who brought her baby to the National Geographic Lecture last week,
Judging from the auditory evidence, your baby didn't appreciate the lecture. And thanks to your inconsiderateness in bringing a baby to such an event, neither did the other 200 people who could hear him crying.
But hey, as long as YOU got to attend, fuck the rest of us.
Just so you know, i don't blame the baby. I blame you.
-One of 20 or so people who gave you the stink eye.
************
Dear Ace Hardware,
I bought a wedge style doorstop from you today. On the back of the package was this;
INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Insert by wedging under bottom of door.
Thanks for that, i had no idea.
-Low IQ Consumer
30 comments:
[standing and applauding]
Brava!
permit me to add one:
Dear fucktard parents of infants,
Don't take your screaming pre-verbal offspring on an airplane. Your child has no words for the inner ear discomfort, but I have plenty of words for you, you inconsiderate, self-absorbed mouth breathing dipshit.
No, your baby is not cute, and does not need to travel by plane. Drive them or we may make you stow them in the cargo hold.
- Surly fat man crammed in the cattle car with wings.
Wait..You read instructions? That is why I never read directions, it's like no shit dumbass, if you don't know what's for or how to use it then you shouldn't be allowed to buy one. seriously.
And how come the mommy never gets thrown out with the bath water? Aways the baby, always the baby.
As for selling the house, not gonna happen. Ever. Even if someone has to die. Oh oops did I type that?
Yep...I bet that woman is the same one who brought her baby to the movies a few months ago and sat, not on the aisle, but smack dab in the middle of the row so we all got to hear the baby scream and scream as mom slowly crawled over everyone in the middle of the film. Sigh...
Dear meno,
I love reading your letters.
Love,
Your most faithful (well, probably not, but it's the thought that counts, right?) fan
daisy, thank you! *takes a bow*
stucco, oh, i hear you. Although i am more understanding on a plane. Sometimes you have to fly, but you never have to take your baby to a lecture.
ttq, i couldn't help but read them, as i seriously couldn't believe they were actually there.
joan, yep, same woman i bet. Way to spoil it for everyone else.
etk, thanks! Glad my bitching amused you. :)
These are my favorite posts of yours BY FAR! RE: the lotion bottle. If it is thin enough plastic, you can cut it in half with poultry shears and scoop the remaining lotion out. Not that I've done that ever....
My impermeable-to-light car sunshade said on it "DO NOT USE WHILE DRIVING."
Well ok then.
dear meno,
for every direction on a package is some idiot who needs it. please disregard prior wedging instructions.
love,
the doorstop
Get your snow shovel from Ace yet?
Good luck selling. We just learned tonight that our neighbors are moving to SF. I'm pretty bummed as we had much in common. Their son is only about two months younger than Baby Singe.
LOL @ flutter!
Good luck on the house my sweet.... I see light on the horizon... or we are about to be hit by an asteroid?
The bright side of selling your house in this market is... if it ever gets sold, you have plenty of options for your next house, so hang in there.
Oh the crying baby... in a lecture? Aw that's really too much.
qt, i've done that. Now i just stand the bottle upside down over a small bowl and go away until all the lotion comes down to the bowl.
suebob, really? Oh no, i've been doing it wrong!
flutter, true that!
egan, i hate it when people i like move away. I'm sorry.
cheesy, flutter=funny. You see light? Should i go towards it?
mother hen, we've already bought the new house. See how SMART we are?
someone somewhere always wants to buy a house on a lake.
We got hilarious instructions with some of the toys at Christmas, most notably the 3-D Snow White puzzle which also attempts to summarize the historical significance of the Brothers Grimm. Sidesplitting.
I love the Aveno lotion, but have that same dilemma. There are so many upside down lotion bottles around here it looks like a forgetful old lady's pill farm.
Snarkety, snark snark.
I think we should start a business, writing complaint letters for people.
very funny. really.
my electric lawn mower sez not to clean the blades while it is running.
duh.
I'll be expecting a letter to Real Estate Looky-loos very soon.
So does that mean you're moving to Louisiana to help raise Borzoi
From Hell? Woot!
I bought a new bush-hog years ago--the warning sign on the drive train was excellent--it made no bones about the danger: "Arm and legs WILL be torn off if they come in contact with PTO/drive train while PTO is spinning." Even came with a lovely ADA-style sticker showing a Roundhead Person with his arm twisted around the drivetrain about three times.
I have seen the error of my ways. Here I've been stubbornly avoiding directions because I figured I didn't need them. Boy have I missing out.
golly, and here i thought those wedges where for moms who bring their babies to adult type discussions and wicked corporate greedy types.
I thought directions were only for women and wimps? But, sometimes they can really help. Although I'm not so sure of your doorstop one.
Good luck on selling your house. I live in a senior manufactured home park and there are quite a few here for sale. Many come looking but most have another regular house somewhere that they have to sell first. So we have quite a few houses for sale.
I am wishing you all the best on the sale of your house!
I have the lotion problem, too. I just get a good pair of scissors and cut the stupid carton apart. Leave yourself a good three inches or so at the bottom and you can scoop out lotion until it's empty.
It doesn't get icky, either. Just so you know.
I hate living in a for sale house too. I'm so cluttery, I go crazy trying to just LIVE in a house, let alone keep it presentable. I know, my issues. ha!
*applause, applause, applause*
Good luck on the house selling front.
good luck on the house sale - we've been talking about selling - we're in a can't afford to stay or go limbo
the moron at the lecture must have tons of sisters - I meet them at the hair salon, the book club, a wine tasting - yes!! a wine tasting - she had the baby in one of those things on her back
I told her I was glad the baby was facing back so it couldn't see me punch her mother in the face
LOL! Oh yeah, crying babies, dumbass instructions, keeping the house clean! I feel ya! Thanks for keeping it "fucking" real! That's actually my favorite word so much so that I've been accussed of Tourette's for using it so much.....fuckitty fuck fuck fuck.... =)
I'm envisioning Ace and Aveeno getting together and somehow wedging their pump into the bottle better.
I'm envisioning Ace and Aveeno getting together and somehow wedging their pump into the bottle better.
These are terrific. Thanks for te smiles.
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