Expectations

I had a talk with myself before they showed up. I was going to be positive and i was not going to try and smooth the way for my dad, so that my mom wouldn't be nasty to him. I was just going to be cheerful and have a pleasant lunch.

Then, within 20 seconds of the doorbell ringing, i was pissed off. I see my dad out in the driveway while i greet my mother at the door. He's struggling to pull a large piece of lawn furniture out of the car.


"Oh, you gave this to us before you left for Colorado (19 years ago), and so i brought it back to you so you could use it."


It's a filthy, broken lawn chair. Great, just great.

Am i supposed to say "Thanks, now i have to take it to the dump instead of you?"

My annoyance was out of proportion to the act, i know. But this is not the first time, or even the tenth time she has unloaded some crap on me that i then have to deal with, under the guise of doing me a favor. I can do without these kinds of favors, thanks.

I did some deep breathing in the car on the way to lunch and looked for my sense of hunor. It took a few minutes, but find it i did.

Anyone want a filthy, broken, twenty year old lawn chair? Cheap?

Good eatin'

I am reading But Enough About Me by Jancee Dunn right now. It's lots of fluffy fun.

I was struck by this recipe she included about a typical meal her mother would make:

"Brown some hamburger, then open a can of cream of mushroom soup and dump it in. Then add a can of cheese soup (when it is thwapped into the skillet, it will retain a jiggly can shape); finally, pour in a can of water. Stir until gray and mildly lumpy. Serve over a pile of white bread that has been ripped into bite-sized chunks."

Ahhh, the stuff of my childhood. I can cause my mother to go into a fluster of defensiveness even now by reminding her that she used to regularly serve us instant mashed potatoes made from those freeze-dried flakes. Those flakes were also handy in case you needed to hang wallpaper.

Remember Kraft macaroni and cheese? With a color orange not found in nature? (A secret shame is that i still actually like that stuff. Please don't tell.)

More awful stuff we used to eat instead of food:

Hamburger Helper. A clever concoction of chemicals designed to make hamburger and noodles look like you cared.

Remember those diet fudge things with the unfortunate name of Ayds? I swear i am not making that up. They were awful, but i used to sneak them anyway.

Wonder Bread. It was cool because you could squish the soft bread into little pellets and fling them at your brother with a spoon.

Frozen bags of various vegetables from the Giant that were designed to be microwaved and served right from the bag.

Minute steaks. Big flat frozen patties of some substance that resembled meat separated by waxed paper squares. You would just peel one from the frozen pile and fry it on up without defrosting first.

Canned peas. Why were they such an odd color, and so mushy?

Oh oh, and those snow ball pastries! Big pink half domes that would never ever go bad. The downside was that they tasted like Comet.

I bet you have more.

Yuck

I cringe when i am watching a movie and two impossibly beautiful people wake up together after a night filled with unparalleled ecstasy, open their eyes to gaze lovingly at one another and start kissing.

Ewwww. Get up and brush your teeth first.

Does this make me a frigid bitch? Do you like a bacteria filled mouth breathing on you first thing? (I make that sound pretty sexy. )

Is it just me that finds this gross? Does anyone else even notice this?

Look!

I would say that my daughter is fairly oblivious to her surroundings as she moves through the world. (One reason it terrifies me to have her driving. Driving + Oblivion = BAD.)

I am an observer of the world, especially the natural world. Plus i like to share what i see. I have spent seventeen years pointing things out to her as we have been out and about.

"Look! A Butterfly!"
"Mmmm, smell this rosemary."
"See the new snow on those mountains."
"Those leaves are amazing!”
"It looks like the birds are having a convention on the lake."
"Can you hear all those frogs?"

And on and on and on, pretty much constantly. She always looks and says "Oooh, pretty," or somesuch, rather than, "Shut up about the damned flowers already."

Yesterday as we were driving (she was driving, i was clutching the arm rest) home, she said to me, "Oh, look at the mountains mommy."

YES!

Two things

I was tagged for this Two Things meme by WNG over at A Whole New G.

(two names you go by) Mommy and Meno

(two things you are wearing right now) Carhartt work pants and Satsuma fucking Body Butter

(two things you would want (or have) in a relationship) Trust and Humor.

(two of your favorite things to do) read outdoors sitting in the shade when it's hot and snorkel in warm water with many fish.

(two things you want very badly at the moment) Willpower and a cookie.

(two pets you had/have) Bucko Photon Uberkatt, Intrepid Space Wanderer and Intergalactic Soldier of Fortune and Boots.

(two people you think will fill this out) Patches and Liv.

(two things that you did last night) Cooked a meal and finished a book

(two things you ate today) Brown Rice Spicy Tuna Roll and a Coconut Chocolate Chip Cookie.

(two people you last talked to) my friend Matt and my daughter Em

(two things you're doing tomorrow) riding my bike and cooking something new. (Got a recipe for Spicy Garbanzo Bean Soup that sounds tasty. I will have to go to the store and buy something called 'fenugreek seeds.')

(two longest car rides) Oh hell, when we were kids my parents drove us across the entire country, more than once, for FUN.

(two favorite holidays) I swear that nothing comes to mind. I find most holidays annoying and resent the expectations they engender. Bah! Humbug!

(two favorite beverages) Merlot and Champagne.

(two people no longer alive who you'd like to talk to) My grandmother on my mother's side, i'd like to tell her off to her face for being a total bitch, and my grandmother on my dad's side, because i never got to really talk to her and she had an interesting life. For example, she lost one leg when she was 11 or so, running behind the ice truck, and she went on to marry twice, have twins, walk, play tennis, etc. I can remember sitting at her feet and knocking on her legs to see which one was real. She thought that was funny.

A typical night

10:00 pm: *Hoping i can stay awake until bedtime, 10:30.*

10:05: "Fuck it, i'm going to bed." *Turn on public radio station and listen to whatever.*

10:20: *Sleeping.*

1:30 am: *bolt awake. Turn radio on softly to the BBC so my little British friends can either bore or depress the hell out of me*

1:45: "Fuck it's hot!" *Push man away. Toss cats off bed. Throw all covers on top of man.*

1:50: *Wonder if spot on arm is sign of impending arm cancer/gangrene/scurvy.*

1:55: "I'm freezing!" *Pull covers up. Move over next to man.* "Here kitty kitty kitty."

2:05: *Wonder if odd noise in house is the cats or an intruder.*

2:15: "Fuck it's hot!" *Push man away, toss cats off bed, throw covers over man.*

2:20: "I'm cold!" *Pull covers up. Move over next to man.* "Here kitty kitty kitty. Where ARE those damn cats?"

Repeat until 4:45 or so. *Drift off to sleep and dream weird dreams until man's alarm goes off. Curse man. Curse world. Go back to sleep.*

Ooops!

This sign cracks me up.

Well, that didn't take long. About three weeks.

On Friday Em banged into another car whilst exiting a rather tight parking space because she turned her car too early. She got out, looked at the other car, didn't see any damage, so off she drove.

This happened at her school and since the kids have assigned spots, the girl who's car she crunched knew who did it and called Em.

Em then called me, in tears, asking, "am i going to get arrested?"

The thing is, the child is clueless about certain things. She truly did not notice the dent in the other car. When i got home, i looked at Em's car in the garage, walked into the house and said, "Let me guess, Heather's car is black."

"How did you know?" asked an amazed Em.



How indeed.

The other parents were cool. I called them up right away and made the arrangements. (This is one good thing about having Em at a yuppie private school, we know most of the other parents, and have known them for several years.)

One of you brilliant people needs to invent a padded parking space with sensors that kids can use to practice. Make it so.

Stinky and silly

This picture has nothing to do with anything. I just think the bird has a pretty tail and funny little black toenails.

Em gave me Satsuma Body Butter and Mango Body Scrub for Christmas. I smell like a fucking fruit salad.

I have a question for all you girly girls, what do i do with Body Scrub anyway? After body wash? Before body wash? Instead of body wash? Wash the dishes? Wash the cats?

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I get frequent spam mail offering to enlarge my male part so that:

1) My girlfriend will not be ashamed
2) I can make my girlfriend scream
3) I will no longer be forced to slink around the dark edges of the locker room.

I know i am not alone in getting these messages, but this one really cracked me up:

"Promote your Love Private to a Love General." A spammer with a sense of pun.

That was fun

Met up with some fellow bloggers last night. Two out-of-towners, and two locals. (Although i guess one of the locals isn't REALLY a blogger as she posts with the infrequency of an ice age.)

I was mostly grateful to them because it got me away from the radio where i would have been subjected to blather about the New Hampshire primary all night. Not that i don't care, but ENOUGH!

Man, i really had a great time. These are some funny, funny people.

A major topic of conversation was one of our waitresses. Eventually we reached consensus, No way were those things real, no way! Of course, then we went on to discuss world peace and shit like that.

I took a few pictures, but they mostly turned out crappy. This is the most beautiful picture i took. (Note the high spoon count.)


At the end of the night, they all sweetly walked me to the bus stop and waited with me until the bus came.

In honor of the event, i would like to tell a penis story. And unlike Scott's, this one is true.

One of the carpenters who worked on our house when we had it remodeled was also part owner of a tattoo/piercing business. And he was a walking advertisment for his trade, as was his wife, a former stripper with a name similar to "Chesty."

He had a piercing on the tip of a body part. (I believe the piercing is called a "Prince Alb*rt." I could find out but i am not brave or foolish enough to google it.)

After a while he removed this piercing because it was causing some irritation issues for this body part. The ring must have been of a fairly large gauge, because it left a large gauge hole.

Now he has to put his finger over that hole when he pees, so that the pee doesn't dribble out the side.

Aren't body piercings sexy?

Time

A friend of mine had a hideous thing happen between her parents over Christmas. Her dad has a serious, terminal disease, the kind that takes your mind along with your body. He got all whacked out and tried to hurt/kill his wife. And he damn near succeeded. The rest of the details are not really for me to tell, i just wanted you to understand how sad and horrible this situation is.


At the end of my life, if i am sick, mentally or physically or both, i hope i will be able to wake up one day and say, before i am not capable of it anymore, "That's it. It's time." And that i will be strong enough to do it.

But i also secretly hope in my heart, although i would never admit it, that someone will love me so much that they will beg me not to go, that my mere presence is of such comfort to them that they want to hang on to it as long as possible, despite the burdens of caring for me.

I still hope i will be strong enough to do it.

Mommy, dearest

I was sitting in a movie theater a few weeks ago with The Mister, waiting for the movie to begin when i leaned over and asked The Mister if he had remembered to turn off his cell phone.

"Yes, did you?" was the slightly snippy-you-are-not-my-mother reply.

I thought about it and he has a point. It's become kind of a habit with me, what with raising a child for the past 17 years and all, to try and nag gently remind people of things i think they need.

This weekend The Mister and i decided to go for a walk. It was cold and windy outside. I thought about nagging gently reminding him to take a hat and some gloves. But then i stopped myself, because i am not his mother, right?

Then out on the walk, he got cold. And then he got grumpy. And that was no fun. To my credit, i didn't say anything about it, like "You should have brought your hat and gloves pinhead." Because he just might have taken offense to that. He's sensitive like that.

But i notice and think of these things. (This is just one in a long line of examples for both The Mister and Em.)

So should i remind them and risk annoyance, or should i just shut the hell up and let them, and sometimes me, deal with the consequences?

She really got me

My parents have pretty bad taste in wine. It's odd, because they have a nice wine cellar and spend some money on their wine, but YUCK! It's kind of a standing joke between the Mister and me and my siblings and siblings-in-law. We always try to arrange it so that the parents don't bring any wine to family events.

As an example, one year they gave the Mister and me, along with my brothers and their spouses, a half case of this wine from a winery called "Amity." This wine smelled like cow manure, i am not kidding. Even my SIL, who is a much nicer person that me, called the aroma "unfortunate." I actually threw it away, and that's saying something because it kills me to waste wine, even if it is swill. I wouldn't even cook with that shit.

Three years ago my parents gave each of us "kids" a case of wine. We happened to be having Christmas morning at our house that year, so my rat-fink sister-in-law (obviously NOT the nice one mentioned above) managed to leave her case behind. Hidden. In my closet. Under some towels. So it was not an accident, as she later tried to claim.

But i got her back. Her birthday is in late January. I wrapped up the case of wine and the Mister and i drove over to their house and left it on her doorstep, along with a syrupy birthday card, the "To a Dear Sister-in-Law" kind. Then we drove away really fast, in case we were spotted.

I got a mock outraged call from her later that day and we laughed and giggled and hooted. She told me how she had been all excited when she saw the box, until she opened it. She swore she would get me back.

Three years went by, i forgot all about it.

But she didn't.

This Christmas she had her son (i can't believe she involved an innocent 19 year old in her scurrilous plan) pretend to be interested in my car. And i fell for it; hook, line and sinker. Nobody is ever interested in my car, because the Mister always has a fancier one. So i took him out and showed him the car and let him sit in it and offered to let him drive.

And that little stinker watched where i put my keys and then went back outside and transferred that damned case of wine into the trunk of my car. I didn't find it until after we got home from San Diego.

So i called her up yesterday and told her just how much she sucks. And then we laughed and hooted and giggled.

But i am plotting revenge.