Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Stinky and silly

This picture has nothing to do with anything. I just think the bird has a pretty tail and funny little black toenails.

Em gave me Satsuma Body Butter and Mango Body Scrub for Christmas. I smell like a fucking fruit salad.

I have a question for all you girly girls, what do i do with Body Scrub anyway? After body wash? Before body wash? Instead of body wash? Wash the dishes? Wash the cats?


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I get frequent spam mail offering to enlarge my male part so that:


1) My girlfriend will not be ashamed
2) I can make my girlfriend scream
3) I will no longer be forced to slink around the dark edges of the locker room.

I know i am not alone in getting these messages, but this one really cracked me up:

"Promote your Love Private to a Love General." A spammer with a sense of pun.

32 comments:

Maddy said...

Do all 'domestic ' cleaning first. Soak personal body in bath on completion of yucky tasks. When body resembles prune [that would be a raisin in the States] take body scrub stuff and slough off several layers of superfluous [and possibly elderly] skin. Empty bath. Rinse bath of several tonnes of skin cells. Leap to shower. Shower off all the dandruffy stuff that seems to be left over. Use body soap to clean whatever might be left of your body. Dry body apply body lotion that will be sucked in like a sponge. done.
Cheers

Stucco said...

I like the way the Viagra spammers are screwing with subject lines, like "MammothErectationPenisatisfaction" or "ThunderClimaxScream". Sheer poetry.

Maggie said...

I am not as fastidious as Maddy, I just use it instead of shower gel and scrub off all that dead skin and let the water drain it away. But smelling like a fruit salad is a bit much. You might want to tone that down with a little patchouli...hee hee

liv said...

Maddy really looks like she knows how to get the job done, but I'm with Mags---I do a less comprehensive job, and then only if I have some scrub that someone bought me because I (truly) do not buy girly girl bath products for myself.

btw, my favorite spammer said that I should use his product to "unleash a dragon in my pants" LOL

fiwa said...

Me three, I use it instead of body wash. Unless it's the salt scrub kind that has oils in it, and then I'd use it after body wash.

unleash a dragon in my pants... that's a good one.

ETK said...

Personally, I prefer to layer same smells - Satsuma bath gel and then body butter, that's they way I roll.

Were I to accidentally buy body scrub, I would first use it to torture the cats, then second, I would use it instead of bath gel, were there any left, that is.

But I'm lazy like that.

I need to pay more attention to my spam.

furiousBall said...

I'd use the body scrub on my Love General

sari said...

lately i'm finding i prefer soaps with no scent at all.

tt said...

body butter, fruit salad, wash dishes,wash cats,make my girlfriend scream,enlarge my male part............Too much to process ..........

Alli said...

LOVE the satsuma!! It's my fav from the Body Shop!!!

Yes, srub instead of bath gel, but I prefer the bath gel. Sometimes the scrub is too harsh.

I am sure the kitties would LOVE it. HAHA!

My Reflecting Pool said...

I wash, then scrub then lotion. This time of year I oil then lotion. Its dry here.

Funny spam. I just get religious bankers wanting my money. I think I'd prefer penis talk.

flutter said...

Maddy has quite the routine down. I thought I was all girly but I relinquish my crown.

I am kind of fond of a penis growth pill that "guarantees the screaming when humping of the love cave"

oh yeah baby, bring it.

amusing said...

I saw that header and had a different thought about what you meant ---

but I will add that the Jerrster recently introduced me to the term "wrinkle beast" -- though perhaps if one used body scrub on it and then moisturized carefully afterward, one might be able to reduce the wrinkling....

Sparkliesunshine said...

If there is one thing I know about it's how to use bath and body products. I used to sell them so I actually had to take classes. Fun!

Anyway you wash with body wash or soap first and then use the scrub (You might want to get a bath mit. It aids the exfoliation process and helps use less product.) Then use lotion after the shower. You'll want to use the scrub every other day during the winter and two or three times in the summer.

Hope I helped. :)

QT said...

I second all people who say wash yourself first (umm, you shouldn't be putting scrubs in your hoo-ha) then scrub and rinse, followed by moisturizer of some kind. I am not religious about the scrub, tho I always seem to have some around.

I'm loving all the subject headings for spam! My favorite is: Is that a male or a female? I could not tell. Can you?

Susanne said...

Well, I've had some body scrub around for five years. Unused, I might add, so I'm no authority on this one.

And why is everything smelling like mangoes these days? I got a new hand lotion that smells like fruit salad, and you can tell that there is some unpleasant smell lingering underneath that. I suspect shea butter. Really. I'd rather smell like shea butter alone.

I've had an offer get enlarged by 150 percent or some such. Well, 150 percent of nothing is still nothing...

meno said...

maddy, wow, that sound like i not only have to clean myself, but the bathtub too. That's a lot of work, plus i don't have a handy bathtub.

stucco, i think of them as haiku! Maybe you need to have another contest focusing on erotic spam haiku.

maggie, you ARE a hippie! This is the proof.

liv, if i were a guy, i might be a little hesitant to unleash a dragon in my pants! Love the term.

fiwa, it's the salt scrub kind with oil, so after wash it is.

etk, i glance through my spam just to make sure some real mail didn't slip through. Sometimes it's pretty funny.

furious, that might help get those wrinkles out.

sari, i mostly do too, but these were a gift.

tt, coward! :)

alli, it really strong though. If i use it all over you can smell me across the room.

my pool, i get those too, but they don't amuse me as much as offers to enlarge my penis do.

flutter, i know, that is quite the process. Ha ha! I bet that whoever wrote that is not a native English speaker.

amusing, your mind wandered to.....what? wrinkle beast. Ha ha. I'm so using that.

sparklies, thank you for that! That sounds like a routine i can accomplish.

qt, i'm writing this down "no scrub in hoo-ha" Sounds like it would be painful.

susanne, i will try and use this scrub up quickly, so that it doesn't make me feel guilty every time i see it.

ms chica said...

I'm completely out of my league here...perhaps serving with English muffins the next time you have your mom over for brunch?

Or just send it to furiousBall...

deb said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning and I love that line "Promote your Love Private to a Love General".

Cheesy said...

What I want to know is what the hell gives these spammers the idea I HAVE a penis... idiots I say!

I love the scrubs but my skin is to fair to use them...It turns as red as my hair lol.

TTQ said...

I have honey scrub my back with the body scrub..

Irrelephant said...

I use plain old regular Irish Spring soap more often than not. Unlike the promise of the commercials, however, it does not attract scads of lovely red-headed Irishwomen to me.

luckyzmom said...

I would think you would use the Body Scrub on selected places, like knees and elbows or places where you need attention (never your "hoo-ha"). It drives me nuts that so many lotions and potions smell good enough to eat now days.

Which brings me to ....I am real happy with my Love Colonel!)

Princess in Galoshes said...

Dirty spammers. The penis-enlargement ones enver bothered me so much as the ones that sounded like the beginning of a story.

"Sarah and Nolan rode away after the fire, in search of the promised..." Then, nada. WTF, spammers? I tried collecting them for a while, to see if it formed a cohesive story, but alas, it did not.

Wayfarer Scientista said...

I always save my body scrub gifts for the next naked lady party or some such.

Lynn said...

Scrub, gel, wash, rinse, wring, dry, done.

I'd only promote to a 5 star general!

thelairoftheplatypus said...

Yup, as has been said before: wash then scrub then moisturise. I'm trying to build that into my routine and my skin is so much softer since I started. I've actually found an Elle McPherson scrub that cleans as well if you're short of time. Bargain!

For some reason I never get interesting spam - except at work where the firewall stops it and all I get is a message saying it's been blocked. Sometimes the titles are amusing though.

Mamalujo said...

I'd just like to know what the hell you're supposed to do with Body BUTTER!? Slide it on an jump in the hottub? Reminds me of my Crisco party days back in college.

Maggie said...

no way man, I'm no hippie. Just because I like, like some stuff and stuff...

Anonymous said...

Don't know. I'm allergic to scents and could not tolerate anyody smelling like mango fruit salad.

Originally, these scents were developed to hide the fact that the wearer did not bathe very often, if ever.

Get over it people. We all can, and should bathe often. Please do not wear scents or I will have to puke on your shoes just before I go into respiratory arrest.

Take a bath and quit wearing smelly stupid crap to cover up your own clean smell.

Thank you

Melanie said...

I LOVE the promotion tag. targeting soldiers i guess.

fruit salad, yummy yummy. how sad is it when I hear that term now I sing the Wiggles song. :eek:

scrub is to be used when needed and in stead of wash. like after a good sunburn and the skin is peeling off.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I get all those penis enlargement ads too, even though my name is Susan which is not by any stretch a unisex name unless you're in a Johnny Cash song.

I think you should send the body scrub to Furious Balls.