Monday, May 14, 2007

Code RED*

*The chance for drama is extremely HIGH! Beware.

First, thank you all so, so very much for your comments and support. Of course you were all correct. I have told Em that she will not be going to DC.

Drama, Tears, Yelling, "I hate you"s, etc. I am the wicked witch of the West, the meanest mother alive. She is barely speaking to me. It's ok, i can take it.


A few more details; I have met these other parents. We visted DC last July, had dinner with them at their house, spent some time. I would NEVER have even considered sending Em if i didn't know them. No way, no how. The husband was nice, but the wife/mother talked me into a coma. I think my ears were bleeding when we left. Not that this has anything to do with my decision.

I did offer alternatives, none of which were acceptable to Em. GF can visit us. GF can tell her parents. As a few of you noted, it would be the mark of a mature relationship for GF to come clean with her parents. But if she cannot, then that's her decision. I respect it, as i hope she can respect my decision. (FAT CHANCE!)

I just will not tolerate helping another child deceive her parents. That's the bottom line. I will not cross that line.

It's going to be a long few weeks.


jen said...

hey, i'm first. and thus compelled to have something exceptionally witty to say.

and yet, all i can think is you done good, mom. again. she's pissed now, sure. but you taught her honor. you told her no for the right reasons.

now it's my turn to stop, god knows i don't want to make your eyes bleed.

Nancy Dancehall said...

You're doing the right thing, difficult as it may be. I can't imagine any good coming from sending Em into that situation.

*sigh* She'll understand in time what a great mom you are. Look at the contrast. Her GF can't even be honest with her parents. She'll see it too. One day. *hug*

TTQ said...

You were more than fair by giving her choices. She has to respect your rules while in your house. I think the drama is part of not being able to pull the wool over GF's parents by having a slumber party type "cover" story of two "BFF". GF's parents would most certainly not allow a boy BF come fly to visit and sleep over.. I think GF may still be on the fence about her sexual orientation, I hope Em doesn't get hurt in GF's choices. For Em it seems easy (cause her mom rocks) and a no brainer..the other girl umm not so much..
I have a neice who is gay and obviously "the man" ONE of her many girlfriends is adorable, but I don't think she is strictly into girls.. Its hard sometimes living in a small town, this GF is super sweet, super smart, I could go on and on. My neice loves having a few of her GF's from school fight over her and there is constant drama...
Graduation is Saturday!!! It's gonna be a bumpy road next ear but it's my SIL who gets the worst of it. I dunno know her attitude might be the same were she not gay. She is a diffucult child..I though I was a wild child..but I was able to keep a semblance of respect for my family.

mrschili said...

Yeah, it's not going to be easy, but it IS right - and for more than one reason.

I know it's not much help, but we're standing up for your here.

Anonymous said...

Yikes. I can't think of anything to add to all the great, thoughtful comments. This is WAY out of my league at this point, although I do the "I can listen to a point and then I've just got to get away" part pretty well.

Hoping for peace in the funhouse soon.

Irrelephant said...

Not having had the chance to comment yesterday, I see that even without my guiding light (*snort*) you made an excellent decision. And I agree--one day, hopefully sooner than later, Em will realise that you're a fantastic mom, if nothing else for caring deeply about her well-being and for having the guts to stick to what you know is right, for you AND for her, even through the vilification and the drama.

Brava, dear! *big hug*

patches said...

A long few weeks indeed. Not that you need affirmation, but you are impressive, a perpetual rock of parenting. As teenagers, our interpretation of good parenting involves us getting our way. Our perception of fairness is hormonally slanted. We don't appreciate the real strength of good parenting until we've sobered up from the hormone hangover. I am in awe of your strength.

Bob said...

no one said being a parent was a popularity contest.

drama = blog fodder?

good luck. She'll get over it.

Mother of Invention said...

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are what the books say is the perfect disciplinarisn; firm, fair and consistent. You are honourable and honest. If these kids are really what they think they are, they need to develop a little more maturity about how to handle it. This is just a lesson she has to face and hopefully pass on to her kids. Good for you for sticking to your guns.

Susanne said...

"I just will not tolerate helping another child deceive her parents. That's the bottom line. I will not cross that line."

Your perfectly right. But Em wouldn't think so of course.

On the other hand now she has a real big drama at home to concentrate on. Far better than to have to think about her future and all that.

I hope she'll be able to find her peace with this soon.

SUEB0B said...

You are brave and smart.

KJ said...

Not my area of expertise but as a g-mom of a bunch of teeny boppers, I'm very interested. And this was probably covered when I had my head in the sand, but how certain can these young girls be about such a life altering choice/decision/bent? Could it be a trendy thing to get caught up in these days? Whatever, I'm in awe of your solid handling of the situation.

thailandchani said...

She'll get over it.



Toni said...

You gave the girls alternatives- not just a 'NO'. She will thank you later in life. Trust me- may take 10+ years, but she will!

Who was it that said you have done your job right as a parent when a teenager tells you 'I hate you'? Erma Bombeck, I think.

Lynn said...

I will be happy to meet you at the 'Meanest Mother Alive' banquet award.

meno said...

jen, i don't feel any pressure to be witty, why should you? And thanks.

nancy, she of course hasn't thought of what would happen if she and GF were "outed" during her visit. Thanks for the hug, it's likely to be the only girl hug i get for a while. :)

ttq, "pull the wool over" is exactly right. The ironic thing here is that (IMO) the two of them are really just checking out the same sex thing. And then to have me treat it seriously, oh how annoying.

mrs.chili, you are wrong on one thing, it has really helped me to hear what you all had to say, and the support.

de, thanks. Maybe i'll get some earplugs.

irrelephant. while it was difficult without your input, i think we did okay. :) Thanks.

patches, yes, at her age, it's all about getting what she wants, at any price to the peace in the house. "hormone hangover", i'm going to use that one.

bob, i am polling at the bottom of the popularity polls right now. And that's ok. :)

moi, exactly, if they are what they think they are. well said. Thanks for the support.

susanne, just imagine how angry i would be if another parent did that to me? And as you say, great distraction too.

suebob, thank you. Your are sweet to comment when you have undergone a true loss. This must seem like small potatoes, which it is, really.

kj, they are not certain. Which makes it all the more frustrating for them, to have me take it at their word. i can just picture them sputtering "but..but, we didn't really mean it!"

chani, easy for YOU to say. :)

toni, i'll hold you to that too! In 10 years, if i am not forgiven, you are on the hook! Erma was a genius.

lynn, it will be a fierce battle for the top title, but I WILL WIN!

Mama P said...

I choose Bitch of the Year over Wimp Master any day. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

She'll get over it, they do make life hard though, don't they?

QT said...

What patches said!

Maybe you should tell Em what my BF says to his nephew - "Don't stay mad long, it's just you that's got to get over it."

Nice work!

sari said...

The best part of it is that you were honest and open with her. She'll figure it out soon. I'd rather have honest and open and at least be talking about things, so many don't.

thailandchani said...

True enough. Easy enough for me to say. You may have to wear ear plugs for a while until she gets over her need for excessive emoting.




Dick said...

I think you are handling this as well as anyone could. I don't envy you. Makes me kind of glad that I just had two boys to raise! They seem to be easier.

Mona Buonanotte said...

You're a great mom! And Em will get over it, and day she'll tell you that you were right.

'Cause you are.

caro said...

I'm not in the least bit worried, you've got what it takes to get through these long weeks ahead. I'm not quite there with my girls but when I hit these rough patches, I'll think of these posts. And stand firm in my decisions. Thanks Meno.

Maggie said...

Listen, just throw some duct tape over her mouth, toss her in the car and take her for a road trip. Or, you could heavily sedate her for the next few days. Oh what the hell, there's no way around listening to the whining and crying. But you did right and when drama alert starts to drop into manageable colors, being there with hugs is all you can do.

meno said...

mamap, a bitch has gotta do what a bitch has gotta do!

deb, they do indeed. What were we thinking when we had them?

qt, i may tell her that, in a few days.

sari, i hope sooner rather than later! She knows in her heart that i am right.

chani, i actually did put some on the other day. I am a bit sensitive when it comes to noise.

dick, thank you sir! I'm thinking you mighyt be right about the boy thing.

mona, if she ever does tell me i'm right, i will have her sign a statement to that effect!

caro, thank you too honey! I need the support.

Tink said...

>>I just will not tolerate helping another child deceive her parents. That's the bottom line. I will not cross that line.<<

For that alone I think you made the right decision. I can't count the number of times my Mom thwarted my plans and I "hated" her for it. Thought she ruined my life on more than one occasion. Obviously she didn't. ;)

Lee said...

Wow Meno, this is not making me look forward to puberty with my boys. My 13 year old has a girl that calls 3-4 times a day and they're not even "going out". Ugh.

You obviously know what you're doing. Just hang on tight to anything tied down during the tantrums I guess.

holly said...

you're in my thoughts, meno. you are a very good mother, and someday em will realize that...and if not, well, hey, I have a kid or two you can have as replacement!

Jenn said...

It wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager and my parents wouldn't let me do things I wanted to do. I did the same this Em did, throw temper tantrums, scream, tell them I hated them.

I realize now that I was being so mellow dramatic and that being a teenager was hard. I'm sure Em will realize the same thing.

I have a great relationship with them now and am grateful they put up boundaries.


Ortizzle said...

Good for you for weathering the storm and taking the flack for a while. The bottom line is, as others have commented, that if the girls want to do grown-up stuff, they need to come clean and be honest about the nature of their relationship. The fact that you even offered GF the chance to stay with you is more than generous.

So good luck with the torrential downpour. Buy a row boat and a paddle until the hurricane is over. :-)

urban-urchin said...

"I just will not tolerate helping another child deceive her parents. ... I will not cross that line."

Amen sister. That's the thing- Em may be pissed now but at least she knows there is no ambiquity when it comes to integrity, that's what she'll take away eventually.

luckyzmom said...

I believe you probably would have come to this decision without all our help! Isn't it nice though to have so many bloggers covering your back. I would have really liked that when my daughter was 16.

egan said...

Tough call here Meno, but I do think you're doing the right thing. That's a long way to go whether it be for a friend or not. I agree, the girl needs to be honest with her parents about her involvement and intentions. Thanks for sharing such intimate aspects of your life.

liv said...

Maybe I run the risk of being a parrot, but I want to add my vote of support to your decision. Parenting is tough, and you have done us all proud! Godspeed, moon-cat!

Schmoopie said...

As I shared with you before, I am reading this with great interest because A. will be at Em's age in a few years. Our society is so different these days with so many people meeting online. I wouldn't even know what to say if A. would want to fly across the country to see a friend, GF, BF. I guess I might let her go if it was for just 2 days or something like that. (And if GF came clean to her parents.)

What it comes down to is what is right for Em, regardless of how GF or GF's parents are.

Ears bleeding :( I hate when people can't read my yawning or "looking at my watch" cues.

GEWELS said...

Em will get over it. Probably sooner than you think.

I'm sure you can sleep easier having made the right decision.

meno said...

maggie, you are brilliant, brilliant i tell you!

tink, i just have to think about how mad i would be if i found out that a parent had helped Em break my rules. Grrrr.

lee, run, run like the wind away from puberty. Maybe send them to boarding school. Nah, you'll be fine, and so will i.

holly, she knows that she has a pretty good deal. Thanks for the extra kid offer, thanks.

jenn, yes, i recognize these tactics too. But they won't work. Good to hear that it all worked out with you and your parents.

ortizzle, she yelled and cried at me for over an hour today. I'll be out in my boat. :)

u-u, just think how angry you would be if it was you being deceived. Hell hath no fury like a scorned MOM!

luckyzmom, it realy did help to have you all telling me what i already knew. I just needed a little infusion of spine. You were just the ticket.

egan, welcome to parenthood brother. It ain't all diapers and cooing.

liv, welcome home. thank you for the support, i appreciate it more than you can know. Moon-cat. I saw that today for the first time. Cute.

hi schmoopie, i would never let her go unless we knew the parents, which we do. GF is not going to come clean with her parents, so, the trip is a no-go. This woman talked for two hours and never asked a single question about us. Swear to god!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I had the same bottom line when my kids were at home.

It was tested more than once, but if we expect our kids to develop integrity, we have to show them what it is.

Brava YOU.

AC said...

At times like these (and Jen's middle school years were very trying) I recall an old episode of Roseanne when the younger daughter yelled *I hate you!* and Roseanne responded *My work on earth is done*. Its a thought that kept me sane during popularity declines.

Just yesterday, Jenny said I was Awesome! (big smile) It gets better.

egan said...

I know it's not. There are some big decisions that occur in those teenage years.

gr said...

Maybe this is where I am glad that we had cats and dogs rather than children.

lu said...

Em is so lucky. Based on the kinds of things I've read about your relationship, I'm certain she knows this. She'll thank you later. Em's friend will too.

Sienna said...

Meno ...You Rock!

I love your values. (If that makes sense).

Hang in there mate. :)


Joan said...

I'm sure no one ever told you parenting would be easy. But you did the right thing absolutely and, someday, Em will understand why you decided the way you did. Hang in there!

meno said...

gewels, i felt that i had no alternative, althought i did look for one. Not all problems have a solution.

hearts, thank you, thank you. *Takes a bow*

ac, oh i love that! "My work here is done." Excellent. I'll remember that. Thanks.

egan, are boys always so dramatic?

gary, you are one smart man.

lu, she is lucky. And most of the time she knows it.

pam, thanks. And Em knows what my values are too, now more than ever.

joan, thank you for the support. I think we are over the worst of it.

egan said...

Yes, we can be. As one of seven kids, six boys, I know there's plenty of drama to be had. Goldfish make us happy too.