Monday, May 30, 2011


I really don't know how to tell you about my trip.

It was both incredibly amazing and incredibly difficult.  Sometimes i would say to myself, "I just can't do this." because of the panic.  But then i did do it.

I just got home a few hours ago, and to Em's discomfiture, the minute i walked through the door, i collapsed on the floor and sobbed for 20 minutes. 

My friend i went with is awesome.  A few times i just lost it, and she just handed me the the tissues and patted my back until i cried it out.  

Damn this sucks, and i wish it would get better faster.

Maybe i'll post some pictures later and you can see some of the great wildlife.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Adios por un momento

I am heading off tomorrow morning for what should be a great trip, planned last September with my friend Kim.

Two nights in Chicago.  Then off to Ecuador and the Galapagos and then Machu Picchu.  Won't be home until the end of May.

I wish my mental circumstances were better, but i am still glad to be going.  I'm sick of looking at my sad face around here, that's for damned sure.

The only thing is that Em is coming home from college two days after i leave.  Oh well, bad timing.  She'll do well here by herself, but my inner mommy can't help fussing a bit.

I left her a tiny little welcome home present in her room.  Can't tell you what it is yet, but when you do see it, you'll all be a little jealous.

Internet access may be spotty, except on the boat.  (What a world!)

Your words have meant a lot to me.  I go back and re-read your comments when i need some comfort.

Take good care of my baby girl while i'm gone y'all.

Saturday, May 07, 2011


This is getting old, even to me, especially to me, but i can do nothing but tell the truth.  

I am surviving.  I am getting through each day as best i can.  Yesterday, i picked my brother up at his work, and we went over to his house for dinner.  I had to have him drive as i sobbed bitterly the whole way.  I think i allowed myself to do that with him as i KNOW he loves me, and i could finally let loose after a day of going through the motions.

I know the man who left was not such a prize in many ways, it's not even about that. it's just that i miss having someone to share my life with, someone who asks how my day was and listens to the answer.

And there's all the new things, setting up a new e-mail account, figuring out how to back up my laptop, trying to get the Roku thing to work using one of the three fucking remote control thingies we have for the fucking tv.  Replacing cartridges in the printer and going online to order new ones.  Do you know how many god damned printers there are in this world?

There's no one to multi-task that shit with.  The collective memories that i used him as RAM for are gone.  If i forget it, it's gone.

Proudly helping Em work stuff out for her summer gig.  She did most of the work and i provided practical life experience and  encouragement.  Look what we can do together, with no help.  It's inspiring.

Went hiking today with a friend.  That was good.  But now here i am on a Saturday night, picking at a store-roasted chicken and waiting until it's a respectable time to go to bed.

That's the god damned truth of it.

Monday, May 02, 2011

I feel like i need to do an update, but this is such a slow process that i don't see any change.  Maybe i spent a few minutes less panicking yesterday than the day before.  But this morning started out in a panic, as does almost every morning.

I am away from home, visiting with friends from another part of the country.  It's warm here.  I like that.  Been doing a lot of walking and talking.   And some listening, as friendship involves both.  Friends are the best, by the way.

I still can't make sense of it all, and everything reminds me of him.  This sweatshirt i'm wearing we bought together at REI.  These shorts we purchased in Hawaii and we both got an identical pair.  This t-shirt i have on made him laugh.

I am reaching less often for my empty ring finger, but it's still a shock when i do.