Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I filed for divorce today.  Four months after he walked out the door.

I don't know what else to say. I'm having a bit of a weep over it.

Why did i have to do it, instead of him? you might ask.

Well, who knows when he would have gotten around to it.  I feel like i'm living in limbo, not knowing what he will do.  Not knowing if i'll have to fight with him or if he will do what he said he would.  I don't trust him.  Odd that. Not.

So i did it for me, so i can get started on this process so that it will end sooner rather than later.  But it sure is sad.  Tears seem appropriate.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

i have red fingers

In all this world is there much better than a purloined evening raspberry, plucked from the vine and eaten while it still holds the day's warmth?

I think not.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Hit and Miss

I don't miss walking on egg shells.
I don't miss being taken as critical when i was not.
I don't miss the competition.
I don't miss the criticism.

I miss having a hand to hold at the movies.
I miss sex.  (Yes, i could probably arranged to get laid, but that's not my style, at least until i get a lot more desperate.  :))

Something i have been hearing from many people lately is that i am too hard on myself.  Okay, i see that that's true, but i wonder, who among us ISN'T hard on themselves?  I mean, aren't most people?  Are you?  It's a behavior with some usefulness, in moderation.  I mean, shouldn't we examine our behavior with a critical eye from time to time?  Maybe i just need to learn that moderation part.

Em was just visiting here for the weekend.  It was so relaxing not to have to feel like i was between her and her dad, because he was jealous of Em and me being close.  We had a great time and did some things and spent some time doing nothing together too. 

Here's a picture for you to look at.  Isn't he cute?  It's a sea lion.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Bitter Pill

I went for a wee hike with a "start-up" friend yesterday.  It was a lovely day.  When we started out, i was anxious.  For no specific reason, my anxiety has a life of its own.  But gradually the day and the hiking and the outdoors calmed me.

This woman, i'll call her Cari, is two years into being separated from her husband, because of his alcoholism, and she is going through the divorce process, with all the attendant difficulty of dividing up the money and the stuff.

Another friend told me to be careful who i spend time with.  Cari is very bitter, and will talk frequently about how awful her husband is.  I listen, not responding in kind, and then she will wear herself out and move on to other topics.

I was chatting with Em later in the evening, telling her about Cari and her bitterness.  I told Em that i don't want to be bitter.  She said that it would be okay if i was a LITTLE bitter.   So what i hope, is that i will be a little bitter for a while, and then stop.  Bitter isn't pretty, but neither are lying, cheating and divorce.

A memory that came to me unbidden a few days ago.

When i was 13, i had a much anticipated trip coming up where i would be spending the whole summer with another family far away in California.  A family where people laughed and listened to one another.  We would be going on a long car trip and backpacking and visiting with people.

As a countdown to leaving, i got a jar and gathered pebbles so that each morning i would throw one pebble away, and the last pebble would be thrown away on the day i left home. A ritual.