Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Need to know

It has been a long time since i broke up with someone.  It has not been as long since i was broken up with.

A friend of mine just got dumped, really unexpectedly, by his boyfriend this past weekend.  He came over to my house right after because he didn't want to be alone.  This is cool, i am very glad that i was able to at least be there because i of all people know that there is really nothing i can do to help, other than be there and listen.

His new ex bf gave three reasons for wanting to "take a break".  As i was listening to the "reasons", i realized that they were all bullshit.  The truth is that ex didn't want to be with him anymore.  Period. And then he looked for some reasons, because we all expect reasons when we are dumped.

I think if i ever break up with someone again, i will give no reasons.  And if i am ever broken up with, i will refuse to hear any reasons.  Those reasons can resonate in a person's head forever, and they are often not the point, or the truth. And they are unkind and they hurt.  Why not skip the reasons and just simply say "I don't want to be with you anymore"?

Because that is the truth, bottom line.

Saturday, September 03, 2016

Writers gotta write

Things of note that happened in the past 2.5 years:

My brother died of cancer in May of 2014.  I have feelings about this because i always thought there would be time to correct whatever it was that made him not want to be around me.  I have another brother and if he died i would be devastated, but not regretful.  He loves me and i love him.  Now that  our brother has died, we say that to each other, although we both always knew it.

My parents are really fucking old.  My mom is losing her mind at 87, and my 90 year old dad is taking care of her.  He used to be 6'2", and is now closer to 5'9".  He's doing okay mentally, but is kinda frail.  I have always said "It's what you do when you have the power that shows who you are".  When my mother had the power over me, she was mean.  Now i have the power, because she wants me to like her.  I realized a few years ago that my thing that i say applies to me too.  So i will be kind and helpful to my mother, even if i don't like her.

I went online just over a year ago to find a boyfriend.  I met someone and we are hanging out, but there's not much out there and i won't do it again.  He refers to me as his girlfriend, but all he does is talk and talk.  There is no room for me.  He is kind and smart and funny, but i know why he has been divorced twice. It's okay for now, but i fear it will not end well. 

All my life, i have been preparing to be/been part of a couple.  Readjusting to the thought that i will be alone the rest of my life is ...... interesting.  I mean, i am not alone, i have 4 people on this earth, maybe 5, who love me and get me, but not being a couple is weird.  But, slowly, i will accept it.

I got a dog about 6 months ago.  I have wanted a dog for years, but i understand the time and commitment that having a dog takes.  She is so great. I didn't want a puppy, but i went to the Humane Society and there was her face.  I had no choice.

I still hate my ex.  I still think about him every day.  I hate to say that, but it is true, goddammit.  He is a shitty dad and barely sees his daughter.  This makes me both happy and sad.

There is probably some other stuff, but i weary of typing.