Saturday, September 03, 2016

Writers gotta write

Things of note that happened in the past 2.5 years:

My brother died of cancer in May of 2014.  I have feelings about this because i always thought there would be time to correct whatever it was that made him not want to be around me.  I have another brother and if he died i would be devastated, but not regretful.  He loves me and i love him.  Now that  our brother has died, we say that to each other, although we both always knew it.

My parents are really fucking old.  My mom is losing her mind at 87, and my 90 year old dad is taking care of her.  He used to be 6'2", and is now closer to 5'9".  He's doing okay mentally, but is kinda frail.  I have always said "It's what you do when you have the power that shows who you are".  When my mother had the power over me, she was mean.  Now i have the power, because she wants me to like her.  I realized a few years ago that my thing that i say applies to me too.  So i will be kind and helpful to my mother, even if i don't like her.

I went online just over a year ago to find a boyfriend.  I met someone and we are hanging out, but there's not much out there and i won't do it again.  He refers to me as his girlfriend, but all he does is talk and talk.  There is no room for me.  He is kind and smart and funny, but i know why he has been divorced twice. It's okay for now, but i fear it will not end well. 

All my life, i have been preparing to be/been part of a couple.  Readjusting to the thought that i will be alone the rest of my life is ...... interesting.  I mean, i am not alone, i have 4 people on this earth, maybe 5, who love me and get me, but not being a couple is weird.  But, slowly, i will accept it.

I got a dog about 6 months ago.  I have wanted a dog for years, but i understand the time and commitment that having a dog takes.  She is so great. I didn't want a puppy, but i went to the Humane Society and there was her face.  I had no choice.

I still hate my ex.  I still think about him every day.  I hate to say that, but it is true, goddammit.  He is a shitty dad and barely sees his daughter.  This makes me both happy and sad.

There is probably some other stuff, but i weary of typing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It’s selfish, but I like knowing I can turn on my computer and hear your voice. You’ve been through a lot of changes. Changes being a diplomatic way of saying you’ve had many shitty things to endure.

Your thoughts on identity and coupledom are interesting to me. After almost fourteen years of marriage, I’m still not entirely sure how to be a couple. My partner on the other hand has absolutely no idea how to be alone. We make an interesting team.

I hope your puppy will be a joyful companion like my two dogs have been for me. They may not make me a better person but they leave my no choice but to be polite in public.