Bitch

I am afraid that i am a bitch.  I am afraid that i don't know how to have a relationship that is not a competition.  It's all i know.

I am going on a trip with a man soon.  I made the flight reservations a month ago and then emailed the itinerary to this man.  A month ago.

Yesterday he texted me to please send him the itinerary.  I thought about this.  Then i deliberately did the following:

1.) I went into my sent mail and forwarded him the previous email that i had sent.
2.) I then texted him that "i just re-sent the itinerary to your email."


WHY?  WHY DID I DO THAT? 

Seriously, i forget stuff sometimes too. Why could i not just have forwarded the fucking original itinerary?  But i just had to make a point of letting him know that he had missed something.

It's all i know.

I don't feel very good about myself right now.

My stomach hurts

Another memory from long ago.

I spent two weeks in the hospital when I was 11 after an accident involving a fish tank and a laundry tub.

While I was recovering, one hand all wrapped to hell with the injury, and the other hand immobilized with an IV, my stomach hurt a lot from all the medications and surgery, and probably fear and shock.

I wanted someone to place their hand on my hurting tummy to comfort me.  I wanted my mother to place her hand on my hurting tummy.  She did, sometimes.  It felt good and soothed me.

I feel that way right now.

I am a rich, old, white woman.  Our new president cannot really hurt me.  I will not need an abortion. I can afford to fly my daughter to another country should she need one (unlikely, see below). I can afford health care. I am no longer harassed by men in the street.

But i am sick with this.  My daughter, who is (mostly) gay is afraid.  So am i.  I can't sleep.  I have been donating $ to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU and RAINN, and one other that i have not selected yet.  

I am a habitual NPR listener.  I have not turned my radio on in 6 days.

I went to a rally yesterday.  I have never dome such a thing in my life.  When Bush won, and then Bush won, and then Gore won, but Bush became president, i was bummed, but not gutted.

Thanks for listening.  I know i am not alone.