Saturday, January 27, 2007

Go Speed Racer.

I hate the way the Mister drives. He tears around parking lots and drives too close behind other cars and scares the bejesus out of me when pedestrians are around.

And he never listens to my helpful suggestions either. Of course most of them are expressed as a sharp intake of breath between my teeth. But he must understand that i mean well. Right?

It can't be because i am a control freak who doesn't trust him to see the danger lurking all around us like i do. It's not his fault, it's just a gift i have.

Just because he's been driving with a high rate of success (and speed) for over 40 years is no reason for me to relax my guard. The very survival of our family might depend upon my vigilance.

Excuse me now, i have to go remove three of my acrylic nails from his dashboard. (Me, acrylic nails. Now there's an image.)


Mignon said...

Oooh. That's me. Or was me. I used to drive like I was on meth before the kids came along. Now I freak out if Jim tailgates, because who likes a tailgater? Nobody.

Anonymous said...

I squeal nearly every time we go through an intersection where they have those nasty flashing lights late at night. But that's just aftermath from two major frights last summer. And it ain't getting much better with time. My poor husband is getting used to it. Kind of.

Anonymous said...

I have a lead foot, I'll admit it. It's my mother's fault, it came from her. BUT, I do not tailgate. Way too dangerous.

As driver, what I object to are the intakes of breath that are so sharp, sudden and massive that my ears pop. I tend to take them as a vote of non-confidence in my driving ability.

I've had one at-fault accident in 22 years of driving: I ran a stop sign (something that I had never done before or since. I wasn't paying attention.) and ran into power company van.

QT said...

God, My BF drives like a little old man. Yet still can't turn in time after I have said "Take the next right, this right, RIGHT HERE!!! TURN PLEASE!"

I'm afraid there is no happy medium on this driving issue.

Girlplustwo said...

If you had acrylic nails, i am betting they'd also have airbrushed little flowers and fake jewels embedded in them.

you know i'm right.

ps. my guy drives waaaaay slower than me.

thailandchani said...

Funny! :)

Just yesterday, I went to lunch with a friend who is a *truck driver*.. as in.. the guy knows how to drive!

Just the same, I sat in the passenger seat watching for each lurking potential danger.

I need to stop it.




Leslie said...

Funny! I have that same gift! I don't suqander it on 2.0, though. I just take the wheel instead.

meno said...

mignon, i drive swiftly, but i never tailgate and i give wide berth to pedestrians. And you are right, i HATE tailgaters. I generally pull over and let them by so they can sweep the road ahead for cops.

ortizzle, i can't blame you after your recent experiences.

gordo, oh sure, blame it on your mom. :) I'm glad it wasn't a police car you ran into, that would really suck.

qt, so we all have issues with the partner's driving i guess. It would bug me if the Mister drove like a little old man. But there needs to be a happy medium.

jen, actually they have tiny unicorns, and yes, fake jewels. You know me so well.

chani, do you press on your imaginary brake too? I do that all the time.

I. i would do that, but he likes to drive more than i do. So i settle for gasping and clutching the dash. i wonder if that annoys him.

Anonymous said...

I also drive, as you so nicely put it, "swiftly." I'm also a lousy passenger with anyone but my husband. I figure, I've given this man everything already, so why not trust him with my life in a car?

Oh, and about the acrylic nails? I used to have my own nails covered in the stuff because they tend to break WAY below the quick (like, halfway down the nail bed). I never went for the long, red styles, and that mystified my Vietnamese nail techs. "You no want long? You no want color? Oh, that Chili, she sho' and peeenk."

I took them off about two months ago and am trying to see if I can grow them on my own, but I'm nursing a break in a thumbnail again. Sigh.

Susanne said...

I'm a slow driver and when somebody sits next to me and inhales sharply I just stop at the next possible point and say, "Either let me drive or get out." My husband and I have found that we just do better when he drives every time we're in the car together. I have trained myself to become a passenger only. Maybe I help with the map, but I don't look at anything but scenery.

If for any reason I have to drive with him next to me things aren't pretty. His mere presence has me driving like a moron. Everything is open for debate. Once I pulled over and said, "You can either shut up or walk home, your choice." Since then it's been getting a little better.

Have I mentioned that we think of selling the car and going without one?

Anonymous said...

Mister Hombre is a good driver (until he feels slighted by another driver then he behaves like an ass)...but he's a terrible passenger...I detest driving with him as a passenger. He treats me like a teenager with a learner's permit...By my own admission, I am not an exceptional driver, but I have had a clean record for almost a decade and no one has soiled his shorts riding with me (except for that one salesman at a car dealership, who wasn't very knowledgeable about performance).

alphawoman said...

Amen Sister!!

shara said...

What my husband fails to understand is- well okay, let me start again. One of the things my husband fails to understand is that, as the driver, you have knowledge even if sometimes it's just a fraction of a second in advance of when the passenger does. So your reactions are better, and you move to accommodate your driving. This, I try to explain to him, is why my turns seem too sharp and my accelerations too rapid. It's not my fault at all. He's just unprepared, and honestly, can I be blamed for that?

Bobealia... said...

Yesterday, from the passenger's seat, I asked my husband why my brake didn't work.

Lucia said...

I almost had a mother-in-law once, who clutched a pillow to her chest when her husband drove.

meno said...

mrs.chili, sorry about your nails. I have nice strong nails that are wasted on me as all i do is chop them off. Swiftly is a good way to put it huh?

suzanne, it is harder to drive with the Mister next to me. He is more aggressive than i am about working the traffic and i just don't change lanes often enough to suit him. Selling the car might be a good idea, but it sounds like a tandem bicyle might not be a good idea either!

patches, i hate it when the Mister lets some other driver get to him. Ass is the right word. Did you end up buying a car from Mr. Soiled Shorts?

alphawoman, guess i'm not the only one with marital driving issues.

shara, ha ha, one of the things. I can say wholeheartedly that it is most certainly not your fault. :)

bo, remember those driver's ed cars that did have a brake on the passenger side? Wonder if we could get a hold of one of those.

lucia, i like the almost. Glad i'm not that bad. Maybe she should have used bliners.

urban-urchin said...

unicorns and jewels? I took you more for a sunset scene over a gradient of fuschia. My husband and I are both convinced the other is the worse driver ever and it's just by the grace of God that we haven't died. But who's had more accidents I ask you? HIM. So obviously I am the better driver.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. My husband's goal in life is to get from Point A to Point B without ever having to use his brakes. Even if Point B is eleventy-thousand miles away. Here's a little glimpse into his head: "What's that? A massive traffic jam ahead? Well, no use in breaking NOW. They all might clear out by the time I cover this last 50 feet."

I refer to riding with him as The White Knuckle Express.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like he's playing poker with Satan.

Dick said...

Isn't it amazing how riding with someone else can be scarey even if they are driving much the same way we do ourselves? Of course you realize that traffic lights that are timed for a traffic flow of 30mph are also timed for 60mph. Just a thought.

karmic said...

Ask him to be careful. I speak from some experience. :)

Anonymous said...

No, I didn't buy a car from Mr. Soiled Shorts....his salesmanship wasn't convincing. Anyone who flashes a gold capped tooth, and has choreographed arm sweeps to accompany the pitch, "Now, what is it going take for you to drive this car off the lot today?," isn't very likely to sell me a car. Of course, he probably wasn't properly laid often either. Funny isn't it the number of the things that rely on good marketing skills...

meno said...

urban-urchin, it is obvious to me too!

biodtl, well, brakes are the anti-gas. Maybe he's just trying to save $ on gas. No? I didn't think so.

holly, i'll be sure to use that line on him, i love it.

dick, i never thought of that! Thanks for the tip. :)

sanjay, i often do ask him to slow down. And to his credit he does.

patches, How depressing to be a bad car salesman. I mean, where do you go from there? Time shares?

Anonymous said...

O doesn't grip the dashboard when I drive, but he's a horrible navigator; "Turn here, no HERE, no, you fool!!" It's worse when I know where we're going and he doesn't.

amusing said...

Perhaps I could make my fortune adapting horse blinders for human use....

And let's all remember how effective those Honda ads are -- the ones where the accident comes out of nowhere and the actors sum it all up "oh, bleep" while looking at their smashed car.

I am furious with bad drivers now that I have kids. Once had someone decide he didn't want to get on the bridge; he flew across three lanes of traffic, forced me into the next lane, the guy heading into that space into the next lane, etc. all of us well above the speed limit on a crowded highway.

Andrea Frazer said...

I have a neighbor I have nicknamed Maria Andretti for her ability to speed down a cul de sac at 50. Not good. Not good at all.

sari said...

When Mr. Geek drives I either close my eyes or hold something up in front of my face or I'm practically crying.

I don't know why this is. He's not a HORRIBLE driver, but I just can't abide it.

Liv said...

This is why I drive. Control.Freak.

Lynnea said...

What I don't quite get is the fact that my husband practically goes crazy huffing and puffing when I drive and giving me instructions as though I had never learned to drive, but when he drives (I say nothing) he's right on people's bumpers and always misses his exits and different about driving are we.

Mother of Invention said...

Ah, that's so like me! I get told to chill out and take a pill and told to drive every time I cling to the dashboard and let out with an expletive! Like I can read his mind that he's going to go stop for the red light in time!??

Bob said...

my wife does much the same as you when I'm driving us through a large city. It always irritates me because I see it as a lack of trust in my driving skills and she sees it as me being insensitive to her fears. The most recent time it happened I got fed up, stopped the car and refused to drive any further - she had to take over the driving. We talked about it later and agreed to compromise. I would try to drive with her in mind and she would try to calm down. We haven't driven in city traffic since, so time will tell.

egan said...

Have you bought him a Speed Race t-shirt yet?

So is there a reason you won't drive?

Mona Buonanotte said...

Finally! I've found my twin! Ditto ditto ditto.

meno said...

nancy, ha ha. I can just see it. I have a hard time when the Mister takes a different route than i would have.

amusing, or else making valium available in every car. I have had to learn not to try and "get back" at asshole drivers, but to get the hell away from them.

mamap, when i see something like that i am just waiting for the Mario to hit someone's pet or kid. What is she thinking?

sari, this post and the responses have made me wonder why we all have such a hard time with our partners and driving. Maybe we just identify with them too much.

liv, i do some of the driving too, but i don't really want to drive all the time.

maggie, ha ha. Oh that's funny. He would probably have a cow if you drove like he did.

MOI, i swear i really do need a brake on the passenger side.

bob, i am sorry. I am sorry i do it too. The Mister just drives more aggressively than i do and it scares me.

egan, that's a great idea! A Speed Racer T-shirt. And Valentine's is coming up too. I do drive sometimes, but i don't want to drive all the time. He likes to drive more than i do also.

mona, twins born of different mothers!

Tink said...

Pfft. I think they made Oh-shit bars for me specifically. I stopped having Hoop drive because my hand was starting to go numb.