Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Sometimes i am not a hypocrite

Em's boyfriend is coming to visit us from New York in a few weeks.

Even if they don't know me well enough to actually ask, the first question everyone WANTS to ask when i tell them this is, "Where will he be sleeping?"

He'll be sleeping in Em's room.


Well, because she's old enough to make her own decisions, she's been away at college for two years now and could have (and may have) been doing god knows what while she was there, and because i am in favor of pre-marital sex. (To quote sex advice columnist Dan Savage, "Sexual compatibility should be established early and often!")

In my day (YOU KIDS GET OFFA MY LAWN) when you went home for the summer or for a visit with your boyfriend, you did NOT get to sleep with him at your parent's house because that would have meant that your parents were 'condoning' your slutty behavior. Because if you were sleeping with your boyfriend, even if you were 20 years old and you and he had been together for two years, you were still a shameless hussy who should have been content with dry humping just like your parents did before they were bound in holy matrimony.

But really, i just can't imagine that it's a good idea to EVER marry someone with whom you have never had sex.

Bottom line - i trust my child to make her own decisions, and if she is comfortable with it, so am i.

Sorry mom.


Mrs. Chili said...

Indeed. Our daughters have TWO parents who think this way. This, for our family, is pretty much a non-issue.

Karen said...

As I always say: I wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, and I don't even plan on wearing them everyday for the rest of my life.
So in my eyes, you are a good mom. Plus, I really hate hypocrites!

Why wait 4 a Lifetime Commitment of Crappy Intimacy? said...

*nods head in agreement*

I was paying my own bills and shacking up when mother insisted on the archaic separate bedrooms when visiting thing….so I visited less often and ignored her… but she wasn't spry enough to do bed checks on the second floor.

Scott from Oregon said...

As long as she doesn't rock out the house with her screaming...

Methinks hubby will have a problem with that...

Anonymous said...

My mama was a virgin when she married, and she always regretted not experimenting; so she made it clear to me that I should sleep with my guy, to make sure we were compatible. Then one day she had to clarify that, and say that she 'didn't mean ALL of them!'

We moved from the big city to the little town the week after I graduated. I had a difficult time leaving my fiance (silly me, thinking I knew what I was doing at 18), so my parents let him come up on the weekends and stay with us.

Jesska's bf stays here occasionally, and she sometimes stays there. Times have changed, and our girls have to figure life out for themselves.

Clowncar said...

Well said. And good for you.

I, however, am a hypocrite. And when my girls come home from college with boyfriends I will encase them in Lucite if necessary.

@hristine said...

Amen, sister!

Em's a lucky girl.

Gordo said...

Meno, once again, you have proved how much you rock. You must have been a riot at PTA meetings. ;-)

meno said...

mrs. chili, thanks for the support!

karen, that is SO true about the shoes. Sex is an important part of a relationship.

why wait, exactly, so we learned to sneak. Great lesson.

scott, i am confident that that won't happen, but i am not a liberty to tell you why.

holly, my mom was too. Can you imagine? The pressure!

clowncar, it would be different if she was 13, or 16, or maybe even 17. Then i would have pulled out the lucite.

Christine, well thanks. I hate denial. and that's what it would be if i forced them to be separate.

meno said...

gordo, thanks. Luckily, PTA is out of my life at the time this came up. Don't miss it one bit.

Bob said...

When I went to my (then future) wife's home for the first time - 2 days before the wedding - we had separate bedrooms before the wedding and one after.

It is one thing to condone - or advocate, in this case? - that young adults of age have sex, and another to extend this to your own children. Especially in American culture. My parents were neutral about it, or at least withheld comment, even when I had to admit I had had sex (seeking advice for what turned out to be a urinary tract infection.) when I was 16.

Does the Mr. share your firm convictions?

Lynnea said...

This sounds reasonable. So long as her room is NOT in earshot. I'm all for non-hypocritical respect for your child. But if I could hear my kids doing it, or even think I'm hearing whispers of it, that would totally gross me out.

Are you going to leave a condom bouquet in the room?

SUEB0B said...

Hockamama made me laugh hard.

You are so dang reasonable. I could never, ever talk to my mom about sex. When I moved in with my BF at age 19, I told her I was moving in with him. She said "You're...playing house?" LOL

Mrs4444 said...

I agree. I am SO glad I didn't wait, and I will respect whatever my (adult) children decide to do.

nick said...

I'm with you all the way. Yes, it should be up to her to make her own decisions. Yes, you should be sure of your sexual compatibility before you marry (and have tried it with a few other people). And no, sleeping with your boyfriend at your parents' house is not slutty, it's quite natural.

Anonymous said...

Once the weather was too bad for Tony to drive me home from his mother's house. She let us sleep in the same room, with the admonition, "You had better end up married."

One summer, we went up to the cottage my parents had at the Cape. It had three bedrooms, and my (much older) sister and her boyfriend were already in one, so my mother explained that she had no choice but for Tony and me to sleep together....in the room right next to hers. We had sex on the floor. (Of course, we were staying together at their house in CT, so it would have been too silly to separate us on vacation.)

At this point, parental responsibilities like this are several years off for me, so I'm going to sit back and watch how my nieces make out, hopefully learning something.

Anonymous said...

My middle daughter's boyfriend stays with us for a week at a time and he sleeps in her room. I'm sure they don't have sex though:)

fiwa said...

May I give you a standing ovation? Well said, well done!

Hope Em knows how lucky she is.

furiousBall said...

you are awesome. parents that trust their children have to give them the chance to prove that, you've done that and i envy the way you handled that. that's awesome. this was honestly the most encouraging thing i've read today

meno said...

bob,i wouldn't have made this choice is my husband did not agree. And i would not have made this choice if she was 16.

maggie, no condom bouquet, although that might be cute, it's a little cheeky.

suebob, holly is funny! my dad offered to tell my mom when i moved in with The Mister when i was 21. I bravely took him up on that.

Mrs. 4444, The key word here being ADULT! :)

nick, thanks for the support! You made me think about how much fun it will be to tell my mom this! Wheeeee.

de, i've done that on the floor sex too. My bed at my parent's house squeaked horribly! This was after we were married of course.

deb, that's reassuring! :)

fiwa, thanks hon. How you been?

furious, oh stop, you're making me blush. Thanks though!

Bob said...

I didn't mean to imply this was a unilateral decision. Sometimes one parent has a stronger opinion about a subject than the other. Also, sometimes fathers are overprotective of their daughters and don't wish to know about the adult-nature of their grown daughter's relationships. I merely wondered if he shared your firm opinion. A mild attempt at father-daughter humor that obviously failed.

for the record, I applaud both your attitudes, it is refreshing to see in our still-puritanical society, one that on the one hand denies sex exists and on the other hand uses it to sell goods and services.

Gina said...

I think you're right. My husband and I weren't allowed in the same bedroom at my parents (or when visiting relatives) even when we were 25 and 34 and engaged. It was a joke. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have had sex with parents in the next room anyway - ewww.

I think that there is a time when it becomes OK. I wouldn't allow it with a younger kid - still in high school. But once they are off to college, you're nuts to think they haven't already made up their mind about what they do and don't want to do.

meno said...

bob, that's a dead-on comment about our society. i think The Mister is as bemused and amused by this situation as i am.

gina, exactly! It would be trying to close the proverbial barn door after the horse escaped.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I agree completely. Em deserves to be treated with respect. When my then-teen daughters mentioned that they and their boyfriends were "thinking about" sex, I put them on birth control and told them that there was no sin in loving someone and expressing it, but that it was irresponsible to bring children into the world before they were ready to take care of them.

My own parents believed that they owned my virginity and what is more, that it defined my worth. I had a wretched time of it as a young woman. Em is a very lucky daughter, and you are a rockin' mom.

Unknown said...

I wore my white wedding dress legitimately.


I applaud you, Meno.

meno said...

hearts, shame and secrecy was the attitude about sex wen i was growing up. I refuse to perpetuate that shit!

nancy, Oh wow. You just blew me away. Really? Wow.

luckyzmom said...

A lot of people have an opinion about this subject

meno said...

They sure do. How about you?