Sunday, August 03, 2008

Navel gazing

I am here:

Drinking this:
Eating this:
(He looks like he is hugging the mashed potatos for safety. Didn't work, i ate him anyway.)

Looking at patterns caused by grass and wind and sand:
I'm thinking about brutal honesty.

Many years ago i read that when being brutally honest, you should make sure that you are enjoying the honesty more than the brutality.

This has stuck with me, because i suspect, no, i know it for a fact, that there are times when i enjoy the brutality. It's an easy way to strike out, with the built in defense of honesty. Truth is a defense against libel, right?

What am i accomplishing with this honesty? I am usually striking out in a moment of anger, or hurt. (Being hurt makes me angry.) So i am making myself feel temporarily better. I can usually carry around the self-righteous justification for my brutal honesty for quite a while. I am nothing if not stubborn.

But as to what i am really accomplishing, the answer is more complex. Time to turn the brutally honest beam upon myself. Any other use of it is strictly forbidden going forward.


crazymumma said...

I strike out as well, full of hurt and anger. And it damages in the long run I believe.

So be kind to yourself, and honest, the brutal part go easy.....

Greenwoman said...

This is a point that very few seem to understand. Bashing someone over the head with the might of right doesn't make for loving connection...

It certainly does smooth relationships when truth is given gently doesn't it?

Thanks for this good reminder of loving relating.

flutter said...

I love this, and am going to adhere.

Maddy said...

Hmm there appears to be a glut of bravery sweeping the blogosphere. I wonder why?

caro said...

You may as well have been talking about me.

I salute the brute in you.

TTQ said...

honey and i had a conversation about this just the other day.. He feels I'm being too harsh, but I pointed out that beating around the bush and agreeing about said persons toxic relatioshio gets old. Especially when it comes to her using babytalk to explain what she keeps going back.

fiwa said...

I don't know where you are, but I wish I was there.

It's good that you're figuring these things out about yourself, but don't be brutal to you either.

Have some extra butter for me, kay?

meno said...

crazymumma, it does damage. if all i can do is learn to pause and THINK for 2 minutes, it will be better.

greenwoman, yes, and i try to tell that gentle truth before i am so angry that it somes out with the brutality.

flutter, i'll try too. :)

maddy, i ahdn't noticed. And i don't think this is brave either.

caro, ARRRRRGGGGHHH! You won't LIKE me when i'm angry.

ttq, baby talk? Shoot me now. You are not being too harsh.

fiwa, Cannon Beach. I love it here. Wouldn't want to live here, but i sure as hell like vacationing here.

lu said...

"Does this make me look fat?"

Answering yes serves no purpose, but to harm.

Purpose--to protect? Be honest
To hurt--tell a lie.

lu said...

"Does this make me look fat?"

Answering yes serves no purpose, but to harm.

Purpose--to protect? Be honest
To hurt--tell a lie.

The Real Mother Hen said...

You are in Oregon?! Yeah! :)

Welcome Meno. If any Oregonians mistreat you, let me know, I'll nuke them for you :)

Have a great time Meno, and I honestly mean it.

Marshamlow said...

Your vacation looks lovely. I hope you will also contemplate some of the things that are wonderful about you and your life while there. I love this piece of advice about brutality and honesty. I hadn't heard that before but it makes total sense.

Woman in a Window said...

Very tricky, this dance we can do with honesty and brutality. Takes a bit to sort out, doesn't it?

Diane Mandy said...

I try to be an honest person, but never ever brutal. It's especially hard in moments of hurt and anger, and in these I choose to say nothing at all, leaving my honesty for another time. I really enjoyed this post, meno.

PS. THe pictures are great, looks like my idea of a vacation.

peevish said...

To be brutally honest about oneself? I'm just not that brave.

That crab is effing HUGE!

Anonymous said...

Maybe try compassionately honest, not just with others, but especially with yourself. Don't lie to your self but be kind with your self. If you can be kind to yourself, it's easier to be kind to others. Or so I've heard:)

I am trying and slowly, or so very slowly, discovering this to be true.

furiousBall said...

oh wow, beautiful, i need that stuff

QT said...

mmmm -Dungeness. One more month and I'll be eating one of those puppies myself!!

The truth needs no defense is one of my favorite sayings. Therefore, it probably doesn't need the brutality, either. Not saying I'm perfect at it, just becoming more aware of it. Like, every day.

jaded said...

I suspect this brutal honesty coincides with a tipping point. Watching or being submitted to another's errors repeatedly when you learned from their mistakes, on occasions they did not. Awareness of others is not always a blessing, sometimes it is like spending your life as Sisyphus, repetitively pushing a boulder up a hill...only to have it roll down again.

Liv said...

i think you might have written this for me. i think about this a lot---the honest delivery. is it a package you'd like to receive in return?

when i see other people on the internet touting their "honesty," i can't help but wonder if they enjoy or are being eaten by their brutality.

Liv said...

and, no, "keeping it real" is not a defense.

Dianne said...

wonderful post meno

and the photos, to be brutally honest, make me want to smack you for being someplace so lovely!

I try to decide whether the truth is going to serve any good, long(er/ish) purpose - if so then brutal might be necessary, especially with people who don't pay attention.

Overall though I try to be kind and gentle.

Girlplustwo said...

i love the honesty you bring to the room, this room.

Anonymous said...

this is something my husband does to me all the time. (well, whenever. not that often.) I believe him when he is mean and not so much when he is loving and kind.

meno said...

lu, that's a good set of rules. Maybe i'll have a tattoo made of them.

mother hen, yep, Oregon. It's hard not to have a great time here. It's so beautiful.

marsha, contemplating wonderfulness is just not my strong suit. sad.

woman, it does. It's all about motive and desired results.

diane, i try to be silent, but sometimes my temper gets away with me.

peevish, you shoulda seen the one that got away!

deb, i suspect that my blindness towards parts of me allows me to be kind to myself.

furious, get away from my wine! or you'll get crabs.

qt, yes, but the truth is not always necessary. Or not necessary if delivered brutally.

patches, wow. so true. "awareness of others is not always a blessing." Wow.

liv, exactly. I can dish ot out but i can't take it. Which is pretty lame. "keeping it real" is just an excuse.

dianne, ha ha, i'm here and you're not. That was brutal huh? :)

jen, now if i could just leave off the brutality.

de, ain't that the truth? It's so much easier to believe the bad stuff.

Cheesy said...

Welcome to my home! lol
Pass the melted butter I want to get brutal on that crabs arse! Honest!

Eve said...

If brutality toward others isn't OK, then it can't be OK when directed inward, either. Go gently with yourself, too.

Clowncar said...

Hoe come no one has mentioned how tasty that beer looks?

Vanessa said...

I think that's a superb way to remember it, the honesty and brutality. I've studied primary and secondary emotions and learned that anger is a secondary emotion, always preceded by a primary emotion like hurt, sadness, fear, frustration, humiliation, betrayal or shame. What I am trying to say is your post makes perfect sense to me.

meno said...

cheesy, i am an experiences crab picker. My family was staring at me in amazement as i ate every single little morsel on that dude's body.

eve, good point. It's all about the goal.

clowncar, that because it's not beer, it's WINE! I love the patterns in the glass sweat.

vanessa, that is VERY useful information. A secondary emotion. Any info on depression?

ETK said...

meno - you are so insightful. I'm so glad I found you!

I wish I could remember how I found you so I could go thank them right now.

Anonymous said...

That crab scares me.

Running away now.

Say It said...

I find it easier to enjoy being brutal by not saying anything, honest or not. However, I have certainly been known to throw a barbed bit of honesty on occassion.

I love this saying and like you, it will get stuck with me. Thats okay, I need little reminders in my head just like this.

Mona Buonanotte said...

I'm jealous...I hope you showed that crab who's boss.

As I get older, the "brutally honest" part is harder for em to do and not be bitchy. I have to learn civility. Dammit.

tt said...

I'm brutally honest with myself...but that's all. I can't stand the thought of my brutality hurting someone else.

And how can you eat something that has a face on it?????? OMG!!!

Dick said...

Beautiful photos but I can't figure if you were on the coast or in the mountains. Wherever you were, you did a good job with your photos.

Children can get away with being brutally honest but it is harder for adults to always be. Sometimes there are good reasons to back off a bit. But, it is always easier to remember what you told a particular person if you always try to be truthful.

Coffespaz said...

Ah...the beach is my favorite spot to sit and think.

You make a good point, something that we are probably all prone to do. Turning the brutally honest beam inward is a tough, but completely worthwhile thing to do from time to time.

Anonymous said...

Been wondering where you've been...glad to know you are having so much fun :)

egan said...

Darn, I tried to comment yesterday when Blogger was down. Have fun on the coast.

Are you good at receiving brutal honesty?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

That looks like San Diego. Is it?

I strike out when I'm hurt, too. In fact, I become quite a stickerbush.

What you've said here about enjoying the honesty more than the brutality is something I'll think about because I think it's a very good measure of what, exactly, we are trying to accomplish.

I have also learned to sacrifice cleverness if it's mean (most of the time.) Baby steps.

Unknown said...

Is it just me or does that crab look like Mr. Bill?

"Oh no Mr. Bill! Here comes Ms. Meno with a fork!"
That's some brutal truth, but I bet that crab tasted good.

Anyway. One moment of brutal honesty is better than a long string of pretty lies. Am I right?

Anonymous said...

Well, now I'm more than a lil intimidated! Be nice yourself. :)

Lynnea said...

I've been thinking about this post since yesterday. I thought that I might be one who enjoys the brutality but I realized that I'm too chicken to be brutal. In my head I say the most zingy horrid things. But they never reach my tongue. I suppose that's good, but I hate to think the only reason I don't fight dirty is because I'm a coward. Damn.

luckyzmom said...

My dearest friend said that it takes a strong person to be my friend, because I was so honest. I had always been proud of this. But, now, after reading your post, I'm thinking that perhaps being honest (hopefully not often brutally) has been a way of avoiding the brutal honesty about myself.

sexy said...