Wallowing

I am wallowing tonight.  All that's missing is the pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a chocolate bar and a box of tissues and i would be a rom-com cliche.

Remember when i used to be funny?


The amount of sadness feels like it will never all come out of me, there's just too much of it. 

Shit you guys, i don't want to do this anymore.  I want it to be done, and forgotten.

On the good side, it's a normal sadness, not the debilitating depression kind of sadness.  What is not sad about 30 years of a relationship ending with a "settlement" deal?  



Yeah, i don't know either.


I hired a lawyer today.  And that statement makes me want to rip my eyes out and howl at the moon.


Will the lols never end?

Dark Hole

Hey there.


I fell into a dark hole when i got home from my trip.  It was really scary.  I had trouble getting out of bed each day and doing most anything was out of the question.  Did a lot of crying and panicking, and had no energy.


Can you say "depression" kids?


Yeah, that was me.  I moved over to my brother's house for two weeks and they fed me and made sure i got up every day.  Not a pretty picture.

But thanks to the meds finally kicking in, I came home three nights ago, and while i am still up and down, i am functioning and am able to move through my day.


Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  I hope i can enjoy the journey as well as the end result.  But lots of shit to wade through first.  Meeting with lawyers and trying to pick one.  Dealing with the Soon-Ex who is much to busy and important to pick a lawyer and divorce his wife.

Trying not to become bitter, but you can't tell from that last sentence.  I guess a better goal might be to try and not REMAIN bitter.

My friends and Em remain the awesomest.  (Shut up blogger, is TOO a word.)

A bit of nature

An albatross on his/her egg.

 Blue-footed Booby.

 Pretty Crab.

 Handsome fellow.

 Iguanas snuggling.

 The pelting spray of the sea.

See the sea lion patiently waiting for the man to finish fileting the fish?

It's not pretty

I have chosen now to completely fall apart. I guess i was holding it together for my trip, and now that it's over i'm just a fucking mess.

I feel just terrible about this because Em is actually staying with me right now, and i want to be super woman.


But i'm not.


I was supposed to drive Em down into Oregon by myself this Saturday, to drop her off for her summer internship, and then drive 6 hours back by myself on Monday.


I didn't realize that this was not a good idea in my condition (sleep deprived, not eating enough, panic attacks, etc.) until today, when i was sobbing about whether or not i could make it to my therapist.


So, in a panic, urged on by my therapist, i called my brother and sobbed (again) and asked for his help.  

He agreed to come with me.  Best brother ever.


It good to have people who love me.