I miss books and movies

I can no longer consume most media entertainment.  

I can't read much.  As soon as the story gets even the tiniest bit stressful, i put the book down until enough time has passed that i no longer care about the story.  Sometimes this takes months. I have been a reader all my life, but not now.  It feels too hard. I miss reading.

I was just watching a stupid dragon movie, one for kids basically, and as soon as the evil person plot twist arrived i hit pause.  It upset me. I wonder if i will ever finish watching.

I have heard lots about the popular TV/Netflix/HBO/etc shows, but i can't watch them, they make me sad. They all seem to be about scary situations, or unpleasant people, or both.  

It's all about managing anxiety, i think.  It feels like life is stressful and scary enough without watching/reading things that make me have feelings.

I am barely balanced. It takes just the slightest push to tip me over. I work hard to protect myself from the world.  

This cannot be normal.

Bitch

I am afraid that i am a bitch.  I am afraid that i don't know how to have a relationship that is not a competition.  It's all i know.

I am going on a trip with a man soon.  I made the flight reservations a month ago and then emailed the itinerary to this man.  A month ago.

Yesterday he texted me to please send him the itinerary.  I thought about this.  Then i deliberately did the following:

1.) I went into my sent mail and forwarded him the previous email that i had sent.
2.) I then texted him that "i just re-sent the itinerary to your email."


WHY?  WHY DID I DO THAT? 

Seriously, i forget stuff sometimes too. Why could i not just have forwarded the fucking original itinerary?  But i just had to make a point of letting him know that he had missed something.

It's all i know.

I don't feel very good about myself right now.

My stomach hurts

Another memory from long ago.

I spent two weeks in the hospital when I was 11 after an accident involving a fish tank and a laundry tub.

While I was recovering, one hand all wrapped to hell with the injury, and the other hand immobilized with an IV, my stomach hurt a lot from all the medications and surgery, and probably fear and shock.

I wanted someone to place their hand on my hurting tummy to comfort me.  I wanted my mother to place her hand on my hurting tummy.  She did, sometimes.  It felt good and soothed me.

I feel that way right now.

I am a rich, old, white woman.  Our new president cannot really hurt me.  I will not need an abortion. I can afford to fly my daughter to another country should she need one (unlikely, see below). I can afford health care. I am no longer harassed by men in the street.

But i am sick with this.  My daughter, who is (mostly) gay is afraid.  So am i.  I can't sleep.  I have been donating $ to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU and RAINN, and one other that i have not selected yet.  

I am a habitual NPR listener.  I have not turned my radio on in 6 days.

I went to a rally yesterday.  I have never dome such a thing in my life.  When Bush won, and then Bush won, and then Gore won, but Bush became president, i was bummed, but not gutted.

Thanks for listening.  I know i am not alone.

A Memory of Caring

Standing by the window on that snowy night,
The radio keeps me company, telling me of damaged cars all over the city.
I am looking for your car to appear, safely, in the street far below.
The snow makes fractal patterns in the dandelion circles of the street lights,
All must be well in my world before i can appreciate them.

My hands have a mind of their own, slowly tearing a paper cup to shreds.
Scarce pedestrians are bent at an angle as they tread carefully, fighting the wind.
When i see your car turn the corner onto our street, i go back and pick up a book 
So that when you come in, i can look up, as if surprised, and say "Oh, there you are. What a nasty night."

Need to know

It has been a long time since i broke up with someone.  It has not been as long since i was broken up with.

A friend of mine just got dumped, really unexpectedly, by his boyfriend this past weekend.  He came over to my house right after because he didn't want to be alone.  This is cool, i am very glad that i was able to at least be there because i of all people know that there is really nothing i can do to help, other than be there and listen.

His new ex bf gave three reasons for wanting to "take a break".  As i was listening to the "reasons", i realized that they were all bullshit.  The truth is that ex didn't want to be with him anymore.  Period. And then he looked for some reasons, because we all expect reasons when we are dumped.

I think if i ever break up with someone again, i will give no reasons.  And if i am ever broken up with, i will refuse to hear any reasons.  Those reasons can resonate in a person's head forever, and they are often not the point, or the truth. And they are unkind and they hurt.  Why not skip the reasons and just simply say "I don't want to be with you anymore"?

Because that is the truth, bottom line.

Writers gotta write

Things of note that happened in the past 2.5 years:

My brother died of cancer in May of 2014.  I have feelings about this because i always thought there would be time to correct whatever it was that made him not want to be around me.  I have another brother and if he died i would be devastated, but not regretful.  He loves me and i love him.  Now that  our brother has died, we say that to each other, although we both always knew it.

My parents are really fucking old.  My mom is losing her mind at 87, and my 90 year old dad is taking care of her.  He used to be 6'2", and is now closer to 5'9".  He's doing okay mentally, but is kinda frail.  I have always said "It's what you do when you have the power that shows who you are".  When my mother had the power over me, she was mean.  Now i have the power, because she wants me to like her.  I realized a few years ago that my thing that i say applies to me too.  So i will be kind and helpful to my mother, even if i don't like her.

I went online just over a year ago to find a boyfriend.  I met someone and we are hanging out, but there's not much out there and i won't do it again.  He refers to me as his girlfriend, but all he does is talk and talk.  There is no room for me.  He is kind and smart and funny, but i know why he has been divorced twice. It's okay for now, but i fear it will not end well. 

All my life, i have been preparing to be/been part of a couple.  Readjusting to the thought that i will be alone the rest of my life is ...... interesting.  I mean, i am not alone, i have 4 people on this earth, maybe 5, who love me and get me, but not being a couple is weird.  But, slowly, i will accept it.

I got a dog about 6 months ago.  I have wanted a dog for years, but i understand the time and commitment that having a dog takes.  She is so great. I didn't want a puppy, but i went to the Humane Society and there was her face.  I had no choice.

I still hate my ex.  I still think about him every day.  I hate to say that, but it is true, goddammit.  He is a shitty dad and barely sees his daughter.  This makes me both happy and sad.

There is probably some other stuff, but i weary of typing.

I miss this.

My grandmother called you "The Pansies".  I giggled at the image of a man as a pansy, visualizing a head bobbing on a thin stem, surrounded by purple petals.

My giggles encouraged her to continue her act by flapping her wrists loosely in the air, making me laugh harder.  I knew that my grandmother was being naughty, as she was given to being, when she wasn't drunk and mean.  I was grateful to have the silly and conspiratorial grandmother right then.


I didn't know what a "pansy" was, other than a man who was girly.  As a girl, i understood that being girly was something weak and foolish, something my grandmother was not.

She was most decidedly not girly, this woman who could shoot and hunt and drink and fight and cuss.  In her presence, i shoved down the very little girly parts that were in me, knowing they were weak.