Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I don't want to talk about it

I woke up last night at around 2, because i was having a hot flash and cramps. That seems inherently unfair to me. I mean, one or the other, make up your mind Ms. Body, really! Maybe i'll wake up tomorrow with a mustache. Sigh.

And to all you young things out there: It will get you yet my little pretty, don't you worry. (cackle)

And to all you men: Really, it's nothing personal, but I HATE YOU.

Menopause, i guess i have to get used to saying it, and thinking about it. I am just entering it, a season of my life ending. The longest one i have had so far. And hopefully one beginning. I must admit to being afraid of the changes that this may bring. My body has been essentially the same for the past 35 years. ( I do weigh a bit more than i did when i was 14, but i was a damn skinny kid, so that's ok.) It is a good body, strong and healthy. Sometimes i am amazed at the things i can do with it. I know some other women, near my age, who can't hike or play squash or (fill in the blank) because of their knees, their backs, their (fill in the body part). That scares me. Because moving has been the only way that i have found to keep depression from overwhelming me.

My mother has had 4 (yes, 4) knee replacement operations. Granted, she has been overweight all her life, and i have not. But i am still a large person and this family history scares me.

I broke my foot once (falling up the stairs, yep). I had to wear a boot and be on crutches for 6 weeks. I remember near the end of the 6 weeks, sitting at the top of the stairs and sobbing over some incredibly minor problem. Finally, Em came over and sat with me and said, "It's okay mommy, you're just frustrated."

Not that there is anything i can do about this, except keep moving. But i never expected anything this ignominious to happen to ME.


Anonymous said...

It's the pits isn't it? My situation is really weird. I'm 55 and still menstruating, never had a hot flash, but in every other way I feel like I've been going through menopause for about 10 years. And it just won't quit. It's like some cruel joke. I've had so long to think about the whole thing, though, that I'm really ready to be done and move on. It's scary, though, facing that. I have a good friend who's 45 and bleeding so heavily that she can't leave the house and doesn't know what to do. I refuse to take hormones but I totally understand why women do it, despite the cancer risks.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and the mustache? I'm there, baby.

Anonymous said...

Sweet slice of writing, Pumpkin!

meno said...

marian, 55??? NO, Noooo, no, please no. I'm glad you haven't had a hot flash, although really, it's not all that bad, but the thought of another 6 plus years of bleeding, NO! I can't take hormones because both my mother and grandmother have had breast cancer. damn!

Holly, why, thank you!

Mignon said...

I heard on Dr. Phil the other day that your skin stops producing elastin at the age of 34. I turned 34 last month. And now I look at myself completely differently in the mirror. Not quite as critical, because there are changes I can't and won't try to fight. Saggy belly? Ah well, at least it makes a nice pillow for a napping toddler. Crows feet? How else can you tell I like to laugh. (But the flappy upside-down biceps totally piss me off.)

Andrea Frazer said...

I am 36 and already sad about menopause. Not so much the aging, but the letting go of an era. I'm also the woman that pushed for my husband's vasectomy (he sneezes and I get knocked up) but then cried my whole way through date night that I wouldn't be having any more kids. My daughter at the time was 5 months. Change, bottom line, is scary. But you do it with dignity. And strenth. And sarcasm. My kind of gal. Proud of you.

Karen Jacobs said...

What the don't tell you about HRT is that it merely postpones the flash party. Ten years of PremPro and now I get to sweat for the next ten... or, I'm beginning to think, forever!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, it's a big worry for me just coming off a year of lactational amenorrhea and the accompanying hormonal shifts. I spent an inordinate amount of time crying, saying, "This is what menopause is going to be like, and it lasts >forever.

My mother went late & took HRT (her heart is fine & she's had two breast cancers). My sister got thrown into it by chemo (breast again) at 49. So I'm just a wild card. But, I've got to get this body moving more and stop feeding chocolate to my depression.

Oh, have I ever noticed that loss of elastin! Products, ladies and gents, that have worked? Anyone? Anything?

Lynnea said...

Ok, I don't have anything to say about menopause, except that I'm looking forward to it and not. Been living with dire case of endometriosis all my life and would love a little relief from my damn periods. However, what I did want to say is that my grandmother who is now 76, has been active all her life and told me that when she went through the change she worried about losing activity, but it never happened. Dear woman still walks 2 miles a day and does the craziest things, like hiking at her age. I aspire to be her. So take heart!

meno said...

mignon, it's always something isn't it? I don't try and fight it either, but i do mourn some things.

mamap, it is sad to give that up isn't it? even if you are sure that's what you want. And thank you.

D-man, i gotta give you credit for showing your face at this menses-fest, but, and i mean this in the nicest, most loving way, FUCK you! :)

kj, yeah, the same thing happened to my mom when she got BC at 73 and had to stop taking Premarin after 20 years. I guess you pay now or later.

de, from what i understand, nothing really works, but it makes you smell nice.

maggie, i am looking forward to that part of it too. And thanks for the encouragement with the story of your grandmother

Josephine said...

I'm one of the young thangs, so I can't really offer any wisdom or humor. But, I think that you are right. I am a firm believer in the power of movement.

I use exercise to chase away depression as well.

Like my grandmother always said: if you don't use it, you lose it...

LazyLazyMe said...

I'm 26 and have a willy.


meno said...

josephine, keep on moving, you discovered this lone before i did in life.

lazy, not if i catch you you won't!

Anonymous said...

I'm right behind you. The peri-phase, I think. Not verified by medical experts, but what the heck do they know.

The first half of this post made me snort out loud. The second half made me almost weepy for not using my own body to its fullest potential.

Mood swings.


amusing said...

Yeah, and try dating while your body is making up its own rules. You don't really want to explain because it's like pointing out that your body is "older" and "changing" and then there's wondering during sex whether your body is going to decided on some nasty, embarrassing surprise....Quite awkward. And my gyns are useless...Why does no one talk about these things and thank goodness we are!
(Don't even get me started on Merck and the HPV test ads! Conspiracy)

meno said...

jennifer, more body fun to come, stay tuned. When i started to cry over dog food commercials i knew something was off.

amusing, i can't even imagine dating at this time in my life. It's enough to drive one to celibacy, almost!

Mother of Invention said...

I'm 52 and am apparently fully engaged in The Big M. I do have hot flashes still and have had for the last 2 years. I get a little moody and still get zits (What's up with that?) as if it's PMS come back to haunt me but haven't had a period for 1 1/2 years. But I sure as heck don't miss having to plan my life around a really heavy period plus cramps! The silver lining to the no lining! HA!