Wednesday, November 29, 2006

With the help of a good bra.

Do you think this is an appropriate T-shirt for a 49 year old woman to wear?

Absolutely! Me too!

(From the musical Wicked in case you were wondering.)


I recently reconnected with a woman i knew many many years ago. We worked together at a strange swing shift job when i was 19 through 24. She is only a year older than i am, but to me she was so sophisticated and knew so much more than i about fashion and men and the world. She had just broken up with a woman, and was now dating men. How exotic!

An aside about me. I have a fairly rigid moral code, about some things. You don't sleep with someone other than your spouse, unless you both agree to it. (Open marriage is a choice i have seen, but never have i seen it be successful in the long run. I don't think the human heart works that way and i know mine doesn't.) You don't sleep with someone else's spouse even if you aren't married. Oh, murder is bad too.

So J and i were friends back then. But over the years as i moved around the country we lost touch. So when we met up again after almost 20 years it was a real pleasure to see her. We went and did a few things together. She is still quite beautiful and single. Last time we went out she had just come back from vacation at one of those Club Med places for single people. She told me that she had fallen in love three times, and gotten her heart broken three times. All this in three weeks.

Turns out that two of these men were married. I asked her if they went to these places to have vacation affairs and she said, "Oh no, they aren't the kind of men to do that."


A few other things she talked about disturbed me also. Such as "borrowing" her dead dad's car because she needed it more that the other siblings.

I didn't want to admit it to myself when we first met up again, but for her, nothing has changed. I so admired her as cool and fashionable when i was younger. (As you can see by today's picture, fashionable and i are not on speaking terms.)

I am pretty judgmental sometimes. This is one of those times. I won't be seeing her again.


thailandchani said...

I agree. Her ethics sound a bit too situational for me as well. I admit though that "oh, no! They are not the type of men to do that" did give me a bit of a chuckle! :)



Girlplustwo said...

a. the shirt kicks.

b. it comes down to deciding where we want to spend our energy, and what kind of energy we want to absorb from others. she doesn't have the mojo you need. good for you for knowing it.

Lynnea said...

The shirt rocks. Wear it. Frequently. You look awesome by the way, what we can see.

I have failed your moral code in my younger days and yet I agree with it completely and adhere to it absolutely now that I have matured. That brings me to your friend. I think you hit on the issue, she does not sound as though she really matured over the years.

Lynnea said...

P.S. I did not fail the murder part, ever. Important fact I think.

Mrs. Chili said...

Wicked is one of my favorite books. I've never seen the musical. Should I?

I'm going to add my voice to the chorus of "good for you for recognizing that you don't have anything to offer each other!" going around. Self-awareness is often hard-earned, and you should treasure that you're mindful enough to spare yourself the potential problems reestablishing this friendship would bring.

oh, and p.s. - I'll be happy to come help with your basement if you'll subsidize my all-the-way-across-the-continent plane tickets! Seriously, I'm not sure we could be farther apart geographically and still be in the same country....

Anonymous said...

There are people in our lives who are only meant to serve as role models or inspiration in the short run. They breeze in, they inspire, and then they drift away.....occasionally we have to deadbolt the door so they can't return.


Mignon said...

I don't think being against adultery, when not agreed upon, defines you as one with a 'fairly rigid moral code.' And I only say that because the adjective rigid is never good. Unless, well, you know. snort.

Also, nice rack! I'd wear a shirt that said "I have a strict moral code" if it made my 40-something rack look like that. (and of course I would deface it in some way....)

meno said...

you people make me laugh.

chani, situational ethics, yes, that's the right word. And as you may remember, i HATE denial, of which her statement is a prime example.

jen, a. thank you, i love it! b. it was okay when i was younger and didn't really get it, but now i just can't understand.

maggie, thank you honey, it ain't antlers, but we do what we can. I have failed my moral code when younger too, although i have never been a party to adultery, but we live, we grow. That's the point.
And i am glad to hear about the murder, me neither.

mrs. chili, it's not like the book, exactly, but i loved it. Buy the soundtrack first and give it a listen, you will not be sorry. Then, i think you should see it. That's a really good way to put it, that we no longer have anything to offer one another. I forgot about the cross-continent thing. darn.

patches, nice imagery. I'm just no longer interested in her. Thanks about the shirt. :)

mignon, first, i love you! As for the rigid, sometimes i feel like an old-fashioned biddy because i believe in fidelity and there's so much infidelity going on. And thanks, i do have a nice rack!!

sari said...

jen said exactly what I wanted to say (much better than I would have been able to) but I did want to add, you have a nice neck also.

I don't mean that in a weird way, it's just something you start noticing when you get to 40, necks.

QT said...

I, too, love the shirt and it looks like you are doing quite well in that department, thankyouverymuch!

I agree with your moral code but unfortunately I cannot say that I have abided by it my whole life. I can't excuse myself but to qualify it by saying I was young and dumb.

As for your friend, I agree, she has some energy that you no longer need, you have moved on in many ways that she has not. But now you know, right?

Anonymous said...

I love! that shirt. And also, and I know it doesn't ultimately matter what * I * think, but I think you did the right thing, in not seeing her. She sounds like a tragic, self-destructive person. Which is sad, really.

karmic said...

I like that shirt and it does sit well.
As for your friend, you are probably better off without her.

Heartbroken 3 times in 3 weeks?
That ain't love she was feeling..

Antonia Cornwell said...

What Sanjay said. It wasn't love.

I love the fact we don't know what your face looks like, but now we would at least recognise your tits. Great t-shirt, and great tits too!

Josephine said...

I don't know if judgemental is the appropriate word for knowing yourself and being true to your morals and your ideals First.

If you are not your own best confidante, then nobody's gonna do you no good anyways.

I would feel the same way.

Bob said...

well, what happens when you come late to the party is that you find everything you wanted to say already said. So, I'll say it anyway but rearrange it.

I think that you've merely outgrown your friend. What seems chic and mature at 19 frequently turns out to be pretentious and immature at 49.

I don't know that my morals or values have changed much since I was 19, but I find that at 44 it is much easier for me to adhere to them. With age indeed comes wisdom and strength (even if I do say so myself).

Nice rack, by the way - neck too. Maybe you should add to your t-shirt collection. Maggie Mason (mightygirl) has one that I think might be up your alley.

Imez said...

It's interesting what you said about, for her, nothing has changed. I've been noticing that. How people get stuck in who they were at a certain age, and how that manfestation of themselves doesn't age well. A good life at 25 is not going to be fufilling and cool at 50.

Bobealia... said...

The t-shirt is only really funny if you are over 40 I think. I was going to say 30, but 40 is the new 30.
My husband told me he hated it when women dressed like their daughters. I thought he was being judgemental, but then I saw a woman who dyed her hair to match her 8 year old daughter's blonde hair perfectly and I felt pretty judgemental myself. I even made a bet with myself as to which train stop they would get off based on the expensive dye job. I know, I'm awful. When I pressed my husband to tell me what he meant, he mentioned short tops, and tight hip-huggers. I told him, if I can wear hip-huggers after I have a child, I'm going to. I never really think belly tops are in good taste anyway.
What was I talking about?
Have you read the book Wicked? It's wicked, but I haven't seen the musical.
You must feel sad about your friend nonetheless, it's hard to break up with a friend. Also, she might have been trying to show off to you, and show how she's still "cool" or something.

Mother of Invention said...

But doesn't it feel good to know you've grown beyond your youth that is always so easily impessed by the wrong things?
She has missed out on this journey. So sad.

Anonymous said...

I just did that for the first time, take a self-portait with my camera. I think I must have stared at that picture for a good twenty minutes, zooming in and out of the frame... It's funny because inside, I feel like a twenty year old yet I really like that face'o mine with the frown lines and crow's feet(legs in my case). I would never want to turn back the clock nor do I want to remain in the same place. I can't wait for my 40's! Denial= one mean and ugly word...All my thanks for your wonderful Nablopomo entries.

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

You and I could totally hang out in Real Life. I agree that there are some things for which there are no excuses.

The worst is when someone has an affair and then says "Oops, my bad. I made a mistake". Whatever, you idiot. You made a CHOICE. Big difference.

LazyLazyMe said...

Oh come on, you dump friends when they feel a little off?

There are plenty of people with whom I was acquainted when single and would never fit in with Em and I now but are nonetheless amusing to see from time to time.

I have no doubt they laugh at me too.

Neither of us is going to change the other. I agree with your 'moral code' Meno, as far as it goes but life on the pedestal gets lonely from time to time.

Once more I'm happy to be the lone voice of dissent :) Keep it up.

meno said...

sari, thank you on the neck, but just a little higher up and you would have seen some wattles.

qt, i think that a moral code is learned along the way. So i don't judge myself or others on youthful indiscretions, just be sorry, learn the lesson and try to do better. I'm still working on that one with my temper.

kerrianne, you know, she really is sad and she wonders why she isn't married. But she has always wondered that while waiting for the "perfect" man.

sanjay, yep, not love, but some other feeling a little lower on the body.

antonia, and my tits are about your face height, so it's a perfect way for you to identify me.

josephine, the judgmental part is for the not wanting to see her anymore. But really, we just don't have anything to offer one another.

bob, oh i thought she was all that when i was young. I have a Fussy T-shirt, i'll check out Mighty Girl.

mombat, thanks. I haven't heard from her either so maybe she's dumped me too. :)

esereth, True. I don't want to have the attutude or the experiences that i had when i was younger. For one thing i need more sleep now.

bo, i love the book Wicked, and in the pile next to my bed is Son of a Witch, the sequel. Can't wait to read it. My daughter would DIE of embarassment if i tried to wear belly shirts, actually so would i.

MOI, it was surprising to me that she was basically still doing the same things we were doing 30 years ago.

caro, it was hard! I tried doing it in the mirror so i could see the camera's LCD, but then the words were backwards, duh! Denial drives me completely crazy. Mine included.

cagey, there is no excuse for blaming anyone but yourself for many things, but it still seems to be a popular sport.

lazy, Told you i was rigid! I think what really got me was the denial. If she has said "I want to go on vacation and fuck many men." I would have said, "you go!" But the falling in love excuse really bothered me. I'm happy to provide you with something to dissent upon. As always, there is more to the story that i can put on the page, in the interest of brevity (but not wit).

lu said...

The shirt is very cool; I'd wear if only I didn't buy my jog bras in the girls section of Old Navy.

As for the friend-- I think it's ok to choose them carefully, more than ok, it's wise. Isn't it less about judgment, and more about a shared perspective?

Liv said...

Nice rack!

I totally agree with you about fidelity. And I don't think it's Victorian to feel as if cheating is not an option. I have always felt that if something isn't working in a relationship then it's better to let it go than cheat a person out of their dignity by screwing around.

meno said...

lu, i would way rather buy my jog bras in the girl's section than in the plus size section. Big boobs are a pain, at least that's what i hear, they interfere with your golf swing. I have friends who don't share the same perspective on many things, but some things are just too much for my tiny mind to deal with, like denial and cheating.

hi annie, it is strange to re-meet people and have a completely different perspective on their coolness or lack of it. And thanks. :)

liv, it's funny, i tried to take the picture so that it really didn't show much of the actual rack, but mostly showed the shirt. Guess i failed! :) And as for your second thought, Amen!

Lucia said...

Ok, I know I'm a late camper here, but this shirt reminded me of John Mayer's tune Gravity. My fav line is Gravity--stay the hell away from me.

sari said...

I have to come back and say I actually liked Son of A Witch better than Wicked.

Let me know what you think after you read it.

meno said...

lucia, never too late for you. Gravity is not my friend!

sari, i will let you know. I'll start in a few days.

Andrea Frazer said...

I'm realizing as I get older that it doesn't matter whether you're being perceived as "rigid" or if you actually are rigid. If someone doesn't work within your life - add to it in a beneficial way (even if you're way off base, which you're not) then it's time to set boundaries or call it quits. Good for you.

Melessa Gregg said...

Not judgemental, smart. There's a difference in my opinion.

Wicked is coming here this summer. I really want that shirt even though I'll only be 35 then. I have nursed four kids in the last 10 years-does that give me permission to buy the shirt early?

meno said...

mamap, i know i'm not willing to put up with some of the stuff i did when i was younger just to be someone's friend.

melessa, That shirt has you name all over it. The only problem was that when i got that one, they only had that style in kids, so i had to buy a kids XL to stuff myself into.