Wednesday, March 30, 2011

You guys, and more shit

Really, you guys are great.  I mean it.  Your comments and support are like little pearls of moisture that i clutch to my chest in the midst of this desert landscape i find myself in.

I am having my friends take turns babysitting me.  Sometimes i am alone here too, and it is scary and makes my heart pound and my bowels loosen.  I can't eat, although i am forcing myself to do a bit of it, because i know i should.

I am still in shock.

My sweet baby girl, who is going through her own shock, is a lifeline for me.  I am trying not to lean too hard on her, but she is really the only one who can partially understand how i feel and what i see.  I hope i am as much comfort to her as she is to me, but i doubt it.

I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday.  (i don't let grass grow under my feet!) It was with the woman half of the couple that The Mister and i used to see as a couple.  (Should i ask for my money back? :)  )

I asked her for a reality check on my knowledge of The Mister, and she agreed with what i know about him.  It helps to have a pair of trained eyes, to know that my observations are not completely cocked up.  It makes no difference to the outcome of this, but it still helps to know that i am not insane.

Hanging on......

love you.


fiwa said...

Isn't it amazing how a group of strangers, people you've never met, can make you feel better?

I'm glad you have good friends to take care of you. I think going to a therapist is the smartest thing you can do. You need someone to talk it out to.

Keeping you & Em in my thoughts.

Bob said...

I'm glad you're getting help from a therapist, someone trained to help you process what you're going through.

I am quite sure that you are helping Em, if only by example - showing her that you are dealing with the situation.

That is, though, difficult over distance. Does Em's college provide counseling services? Most do and it might help her deal with her feelings - things maybe she's uncomfortable or unwilling to dump onto you.

Stay tough, both of you. You are in my thoughts.

Take good care.

@hristine said...

Sorry I'm late to add my support, but you have it. You are going to be okay. Loving you from afar.

Magpie said...

Big hugs to you. Glad you're seeing a therapist.

Gina said...

I'm glad to hear you have people around supporting you. I have a very dear friend who is married to a serial cheater and as much as she wants to leave him, she can't seem to do quite make the leap. All I can do it listen and be there for her when she needs me.

I can imagine whit your daughter is going through. My parents are still together, but I lived with a cheating parent for many years and it was rough.

Mrs. Chili said...

I'm going to email you with my cell phone number. Text me if you need to know that someone's out here for you.

jaded said...

I don't know about a refund….I think she has an unfair advantage which is advantageous for you. It would be nice to wade through some of the extraneous minutia more quickly if it means expediting the business of moving forward.

Em is a rock because she takes after you. Strength to you both.

Marshamlow said...

I wish I knew what to say. I keep erasing things. I hate this is happening to you. You are such a lovely human being and this is so unfair. I hope the therapy helps. You deserve all good things. I wish we lived in a day and age where liars and cheaters were held accountable. I hope you will find a way to not let the unfairness and injustice of this situation get in the way of you having the quality of life you richly deserve. I don't think I would be strong enough, but I think you are.

Lynnea said...

love you back. just take it one breath at a time

SUEB0B said...

Glad you jumped right in to therapy. It is good to have a pro on your side. As well as the internets.

Anonymous said...

Love you too, Scrabble buddy.

The best thing you can do is surround yourself with friends and go to a therapist. I'm glad you aren't there alone.

Don't underestimate yourself when it comes to supporting Em. You are a fantastic mom in all seasons.

Anonymous said...

Friends and a therapist sound good.

It's taken me some distance and time to see how strange and unhealthy our relationship was and to realize that I'm not crazy.

Sending a hug.

lu said...

I'm so glad you are reaching out to people!

I found great comfort in Peme Chodron's Book on tape "when things fall apart" for some reason i kept falling to pieces in the car and I needed that soothing voice and sane wisdom.

I love you too my friend!

flutter said...

Love you. anything, anytime.

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Ugh. All I can say is that I SO shocked by this and have been thinking of you and Em.

I am so glad that you are seeing someone who is familiar with you and The Mister, but is independent of the situation and can help you navigate all of this.

Cat said...

Sometimes third-part y validation can be one of the most cathartic feelings, even if it doesn't change anything. I hope you continue to get positive things out of therapy!

Been thinking about you a ton. Lots of love from the internets. The offer to visit Colorado (anytime!) still stands!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

No, you are absolutely not insane. Even a little. But I happen to believe that one of the worst things a person can do to another is to mess with her perceptions so that she would even question her own sanity. I've been wondering about how Em is dealing with this, and I'm just glad you have each other.

We love you, too, kiddo!

luckyzmom said...

Has she told you that you don't believe you deserve happiness? It was cathartic for me to hear that from a therapist long ago when I went through an experience similar to what you're going thru now. I felt sorta like a ledge to hang on to. It helped even more to toss a glass of beer in the other womans face and trounce off after the face to face that she suggested:D It eventually ended badly for them and beautifully for me:P At first though it feels like the pain will never stop. My thoughts are with you.
PS=Consciously remember to breathe.

nick said...

Hey, Meno, I've only just caught up with all this, really sorry to hear about it. Nothing much more I can add to the other comments, but excellent that you've got a therapist to talk it out with, plus supportive friends.

You're a strong person, you'll get through the pain and confusion and self-doubt and get to the other side. Just hack your way through the turmoil.