Sunday, April 03, 2011

Everybody sees you're blown apart

I would like to say that it's getting better, but i cannot.  Every time i reach to touch my finger, i get a little shock that my ring is not there.  I never realized that i touched it so often.

People are offering me what they can.  And i am accepting all offers of comfort.  There's no room for pride inside the shattered thing that is my heart.

In case you ever need to comfort someone in a situation like this, here are some examples of what you can offer:

My friend Eileen has come over to spend the night with me, and will be coming back over on Tuesday night.  My brother asked me to come along on his weekly Saturday walk/run with a group of friends.  My sister bought me some (pretty expensive) natural sleeping aids.  My friend Kim gave me the key to her house and has let me spend the night twice, so far.  People have e-mailed, called, IMed, texted.  One of my squash buddies brought me flowers.  Another friend sent me a sweet card.  Another friend is coming over tonight just to spend some time with me.  People leave me comforting comments.  Three people have offered me pot.  (Really!)  Today a friend offered me her leftover sleeping pills.

It's awkward for people.  Nobody really knows what to do for me, in fact, there really isn't anything anyone can do, but i accept each gift knowing that it comes from a place of caring.  (Okay, i haven't accepted the pot.  I don't know if that's a good idea, but i appreciate the thought.)

Last night i went out with one of my gay boyfriends.  He's a therapist.  He told me that i am not usually a leaner, and that it was nice to see me leaning.  He said he was happy and honored to be leaned on.  *sniff*

The one person who i must stop leaning on so much is Em.  She has her own life.  I just get into a panic, and the only way i know to stop it is to contact her.  It's like i need to touch what is left of my family, and i need to do it now.  But for her, this isn't as shattering as it is for me.  She's not here, and so she doesn't see any immediate change in her life, and it wasn't her husband.

I don't even know where he is.  I've been looking after him so long that i don't know how to stop.

I look back and i keep going over and over the lies in my mind.  I try to stop and then there they are again.

I hurt.

Then, brief moments of okay.


peevish said...

Just know that those moments of okayness will get longer and longer. And yes, it takes awhile.

It is so good that you are leaning.

Mrs. Chili said...

"everybody feels the wind blow..."

Keep breathing. In and out. Lean when you have to, and know that, little by little, you'll have to lean a little less. Let your friends take care of you - don't ever feel like a burden. Accept that you're worthy and deserving of the love you're being offered. Know that you're never truly alone.

JelliDonut said...

I'm so glad you have so much support. Still, this is heartbreaking. It is O.K. to lean and I hope you keep on leaning for as long as you need to.

Sabra said...

I've been thinking of you all weekend, ever since I found out. I'm hurting along with you, but whether it's my old hurts or pain for your new one or some combo, I am not sure. I'm glad you've got people to lean on and that you're doing so.

Will keep you in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

You have good friends and are loved. That's big.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I keep thinking of you and wishing I could help in some way. Accepting support when you have always been the one who took care of others is very hard, but so very necessary. You have given so much that people are happy to be able to give back a little, even though everyone who knows you is so sorry for your pain.

I'm very glad you have nearby friends and family, and Em, who is also strong because you taught her well. Sending warm hugs because I don't have any pot.

Lynnea said...

You're doing great.

The decision not to accept pot is probably the right one.

Marshamlow said...

Your friends are awesome. You deserve all good things. Hope you have some of those good moments today.

Biscotto said...

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your marriage and my best wishes for the start of the next chapter of your life. Now I've got some advice for you. Do you mind? Here it is:

First, research collaborative divorce. It is more humane and if it works will leave you with better closure and some dignity.

Second, it's fine you wished the Mister good luck but don't forget to tell him how angry you are at what he did. Or even to be angry. This is an important step in the process. Don't wallow in it but don't skip it, either.

Third, find a new hobby. Something that consumes you and brings you joy. You need something that has nothing to do with what you are going through, some kind of escape, something else to think about.

Fourth, remember that it isn't about you. I did the same thing to Jay that the Mister did to you. At the time I thought I was leaving because of things that were wrong with Jay that he couldn't change. In retrospect it was because of things that were wrong with me that I needed to change. And it sounds silly to say this but at the time I thought cheating on Jay might save my marriage. I thought it would make it tolerable to be with him. You could say that I did it out of love and because I didn't want to leave him or hurt him. Needless to say, this didn't work.

Fifth, it may be too soon to say this, but think of this as an incredible opportunity to change those parts of your life that aren't so good. At times like this you get to reinvent yourself. How do you want your life to be different and what are you going to do to make it happen? What you might be experiencing reminds me of being in jail. Yes, it was shitty to be there. But as long as I was there I figured I might as well change some things about myself that needed to be changed. It worked. My life now is much better than it was before I got locked up. Now, when things are bad, I look back to those days in jail and try to use the coping skills that I worked very hard on developing while I was there. Can you do the same sort of thing?

Sixth, take care of yourself. Pamper yourself. Be healthy. Seek laughter. Find pleasure in ordinary things. Eat right, sleep right, exercise, avoid stress. Don't let yourself go because you feel so bad about what is happening. Let your body lead you to feeling better, don't follow it to despair.

Seventh, think about looking back on this period of your life as a painful but necessary, even good, time. Good because it let you find a better life and made you a stronger, happier person. Now think, what has to happen to make that true?

Eighth, at some point you should start shopping for a fuck buddy. Someone you can trust. You might not want or need another romantic relationship for a while but if you can find someone to tend the needs of your body, that would be good. If you can't find someone to fuck, hire a good masseuse. Touch is important, any kind. It doesn't have to be sexual.

Ninth, don't let him screw you where money is concerned. Too many women get fucked in this situation. Stay on top of the financial picture. Look at things with a clear head. Don't let the emotional divorce negatively affect the financial one. Don't be too anxious to settle things. Generally that doesn't work in your favor.

Tenth, it might help if you realize that the Mister is not likely to be any happier himself with his new partner. He will make the exact same mistakes that he did with you. The only way his life will change is if he changes himself. He's probably not going to do that. So he's doomed to repeat his misery only this time without you. Isn't that nice to know?

Also, a dog and a large screen television might help. Or do you already have these things?

I hope this list will be useful to you. I think the most important thing is to treat this as an opportunity. It sounds very Pollyanna-ish but I promise you won't regret it.

Magpie said...

I wish I could help.

(& #8 above, shop for a fuck buddy, made me laugh. you know, put that way.)

lu said...

It takes so much energy to keep the door open to friends. I'm glad you are reaching out. Love and hugs.

Cat said...

I don't have any sage advice. This situation is just wretched wretched awful, and you deserve so much better. I know because I've been in this little corner of your life for FIVE years now. Can you believe it? Time will keep moving forward, hang in there, girlfriend. <3

Princess in G

Princess in Galoshes said...

P.S. If you have a chance, would you send me your mailing address? (My email is

jaded said...

I'm distracted by Biscotto's advice… many aspects are applicable to unrelated situations. I need to remember these things.

Some of the awkwardness can be attributed to how much people love you. There is the desire to be comforting and say the right thing, even though there is knowing there is no single right thing to say. Relationships are so fucking difficult.

Mels Place in Big Bear said...

My offer stands to call and chat. I am also quite a fast typer so email away. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Much love - Andrea