Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Raw Bloody Meat

I tried to go to a book signing thingie at a bookstore in Seattle tonight to support some fellow bloggers made good.

It was for "Let's Panic About Babies" by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy.  Eden links to me on her blog, or at least she used to.

They were funny and all that, but i had to leave before i got my damned book signed because i was about to burst in to tears.  Which i did outside the door.  Yeah.  Cool stuff.

Too much talk about babies and pregnancy made me remember when Em was a baby.  And then they mentioned their husbands.

Can this be over yet?

I'll probably never get another chance to meet either of these ladies again.  And they'll just remember the creepy tall woman in the back who left abruptly.  Or actually, i suspect they won't remember me at all. 

I spent some time today trying to figure out how to get more drugs from my doctor.  The times when i get so scared i literally don't know what to do are freaking me out.  I try not to use the drugs, but damn, sometimes i just feel like my insides are gonna burst all over the floor.

Borrowing trouble, but how am i going to face seeing the Soon-Ex and his girlfriend at things like Em's graduation?  The bitterness i feel at that thought is going to make it impossible for me to exist in that space.

Rambling, tired, sad, sick, furious, scared.


Lynnea said...

Find a pillow and kick its ass. Or take a kick-boxing class?

One breath, one breath, one breath

"Just keep swimming swimming swimming"

Love you as always

Mrs. Chili said...

Lynnea is right - exercise WILL help.

Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. I get that it scares you - I really do - but suppressing it will only mean you have to deal with it later rather than sooner.

Keep writing. Keep reaching out. You're not alone.

Anonymous said...

Cry, walk, write, cry some more.

It's supposed to hurt and you will survive. Are you seeing a counselor? Do, please. It helps.

Thinking of you, sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

JelliDonut said...

I had a friend who called her therapist her paid friend. Really, it helps to have some professional perspective.

Someday, you'll get the chance to get your book signed. And maybe someday they'll come to YOUR book signing. Hang in there!

@hristine said...

I wish I could grasp how this feels for you. When I hear your words, I realize that I have been prepared for the inevitable abandonment of every person I've ever loved (and even my love is limited because of that). It's part of who I am. I expect them to leave (thanks to parents who left) so when I hear you speak about how devastated you are by this, I simply can't wrap my brain around it. Not that I'm not sympathetic. I am. I know you're going to get thru this and be stronger for it. It's all going to be okay in the end.

fiwa said...

I've been through this. I know you will get through this. You are hurting right now, and all this is just your body and your mind's way of trying to protect itself. Hang in there. Keep writing about how you feel, and we will keep listening. Take one step at a time right now and don't borrow trouble by thinking about how things will be in the future. There's time enough to tackle those things when you can handle the present. Hang in there.

lu said...

I used to have to leave the classroom to compose myself more often than I care to admit. I found myself falling apart in the check-out at the market.

More drugs is not a weakness, just get the right ones for you. I went to a dr. who understood the drugs that worked best with anxiety & depression. Lexapro has taken the edge off.

I've gleaned from the years of following your blog that the Mister has some narcissistic traits. When you talk with him try to present your requests in a light that feeds this. It feels manipulative, but it's survival...

Example: "I know you are heart sick about how this will affect Em, and I know you want to protect her from undue stress, so let's make an agreement not to subject her to our new relationships until things settle..."

Get what you need financially while he still feels guilt. Get him to tell you how much he thinks you will need to maintain your lifestyle and continue to support Em... When you get him to make the decision he will have a difficult time blaming you later (although that has not been the case for my situation it will play in my favor in the courts.)

More love, Hugs and Super sonic mojo.

Bob said...

Try to focus on the here and now. Em doesn't graduate for, what, 2 more years? Don't borrow trouble that you don't need right now.

Take things one day at a time. Focus on what you need to do today, worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Anything after will take care of itself.

Go hiking.

P.S. Alice and Eden will be in San Francisco this Sunday - good excuse to get away for a weekend, see Sausalito, the Golden Gate, stand at the corner of Haight & Ashbury and people-watch: and meet them?

Hang tough. I'm rooting for you.

Magpie said...

Well, crap. I was in Seattle last weekend...

Thinking of you.

Alice said...

It was incredibly great of you to show up at the reading at all--thank you so much for that. People come and go during these things, so please don't worry about your early exit. Take care of yourself!

I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time.

Unknown said...

If you had diabetes, would you think of taking insulin as a crutch? Of course not. Try to think of you anxiety meds in the same light. You are under a ridiculous amount of stress right now. There is no shame in treating it. Combined with the talk therapy, it will help you get through this crisis.

*taking off my nursing cap now*

I love you, sweetie.

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Feel free to get as rambly as you want. We've been listening for years, we aren't going anywhere. :-)

Been thinking about you and Em these days. I am wishing you peace, Meno. Down the road, it shall be yours again. I truly believe that.

Sabra said...

Sitting right next to you. Recalling all that same out of control, roiling mess inside that too frequently would leak out in great, bursting explosions of shock, misery and rawness.

I remember writing in that old blog about how I wanted to feel better and wanted to wish away time because only time was going to make it any better. It seemed a terrible thing to wish. To lose time. There's no answer. No fix.

Wish I had a magic wand -- I'd wave and wave it for you. Sadly.... I don't.