In which i swear freely

We have just put our house up for sale. Don't we have AWESOME timing?

I fucking hate living in a for sale house. We have to keep it neat, which is totally hard for us because The Mister is a a slob, and i'm lazy. At least my hideously messy daughter is away at college, although she has a roomful of crap that will need to be dealt with.

Some cranky letters to make me feel better:

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Dear Makers of Aveeno Oatmeal Lotion,

I love your lotion, but i hate that the suction pump straw thing is an inch and a half above the bottom of the container. I feel like it's a plot to get me to buy more of your lotion.

Not going to work as i am stubborn AND cheap, plus i recycle the bottle, after i eke every last bit of lotion out of it.

So there,

-a not to be manipulated consumer

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Dear Mom who brought her baby to the National Geographic Lecture last week,

Judging from the auditory evidence, your baby didn't appreciate the lecture. And thanks to your inconsiderateness in bringing a baby to such an event, neither did the other 200 people who could hear him crying.

But hey, as long as YOU got to attend, fuck the rest of us.

Just so you know, i don't blame the baby. I blame you.

-One of 20 or so people who gave you the stink eye.

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Dear Ace Hardware,

I bought a wedge style doorstop from you today. On the back of the package was this;

INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Insert by wedging under bottom of door.

Thanks for that, i had no idea.

-Low IQ Consumer

Peeved

I got this idea from Gina at My Very Last Nerve.

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Dear Ford F350 driver,

Was it really worth the half gallon of gas your car guzzled for you to jam on your car's gas pedal so you could pass me and get one car ahead? That's $2 worth of gas right there, dude. And how many times a day do you do it?

It's not just how far you drive, but how you drive.

Love,

26-miles-per-gallon-in-the-city driver

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Dear husband,

I hate it when you brag. It makes you look small and petty in front of other people. Just calm down and listen. You have nothing to prove.

love,

your wife

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Dear crazy mail lady,

Just hand me the mail. I do not want to gossip with you about the neighbor's remodel, or the past occurrences in the neighborhood. I am not interested.

Love,

mail customer

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Dear neighbor,

That huge lawn you planted a few years ago takes most of your weekend to mow and weed eat. I hope it was worth it. I'm glad you like yardwork so much.

I am grateful that the geese like your yard better than mine, and you now have to plow through piles of goose poop when you mow instead of me.

Also, it makes me sick when the Chem Lawn people arrive in their big truck and spray chemicals all over your huge lawn. Do you think about how some of that fertilizer ends up in the lake?

love,

Your greener-than-thou neighbor

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Dear friend,

When you use your daughter as a way to present your ideas to me, i am not fooled. I know who's opinions they really are.

love,

parenthood-is-not-a-competition

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Who would you write a letter to?

A few observations about airports and traveling, just for fun.

(Scarlett O’Hara voice) As God is my witness, i will nevah fly coach again! Airplane seats are brutally small if you are any size larger than ordinary. Ugh.

Those self flushing toilets at airports feel like a violation of my free will. Add the astonishment of the plastic toilet seat cover tube trying to move while i was sitting and i may need therapy.

This story, about a man who missed his flight and called 911 to report a bomb on the plane in the hopes that the plane would return to the gate really pisses me off. He inconvenienced hundreds of people. Selfish bastard. It did not surprise me to learn he was a doctor. Yes, i know he was “off his meds.” But i’m still pissed at him. You watch, next he’ll be checking into rehab.

There are people who will happily stretch out over 4 seats, even after the waiting area fills up. Selfish bastards.

Airline employees have the patience of saints. Both of my flights were delayed over two hours. Some people were quite unpleasant about it. It never fails to astonish me how people will abuse others just because they can. Selfish bastards!

And finally, for no reason, a picture of 15 pounds of cat stuffed into a 10 pound box: